Christmas

It was about 12 years ago that the idea and meaning of Christmas became convoluted to me. It was a hard time for one side of my family, there were a lot of changes happening and young children in the mix, myself included. Well, I didn't feel young at the time, but looking back I know that I was indeed, very young.

Even though I was young, I was definitely the oldest of many to stop believing in certain things. My mom had kept the dream alive for as long as possible (seriously, I was 13) even though my grandma was concerned that I would be made fun of at school and seen as a freak or something of the sort.

The first year of being on the flip side of Christmas (the ones keeping the magic alive for the younins) was definitely a little less bright. I don't know if that was because of my new knowledge or because of the family trials and tribulations, but either way it just wasn't the same. The curtain had lifted and I was left confused.

I wish I could stay I picked myself up and brushed myself off by next year but I have to be honest and say that I STILL don't know what to do when it comes to Christmas. This year even more than most. Again we're faced with an interesting time in this family, AND we've hit a time of change with my younger siblings.

I would like to say that time just slipped away from me this year, that always seems to be a good excuse, but it didn't. I knew that Christmas was coming, there was plenty of warning...plenty of time to get things together or create traditions, and I just felt confused.

I thought about going with the family to the Festival of Lights at the Del Mar Fairgrounds, getting hot chocolate first and laughing at the different things they put into the display. I think last year when I went with Señor Brows and Unicorn Sparkle(bottom)s there were dolphins and dinosaurs. I guess if they are made out of lights it counts and Christmas right?! :)

I thought about wrapping presents by a fire and watching different movies but we're working on getting ceramic logs and honestly I didn't have money for presents for anyone this year. (I've been trying to help mom out as much as possible with the holidays as a present, that and because she's done so much for me and is a great mom.)

I love reading the blogs in December, sometimes I feel like the spirit catches me after reading special posts but a few minutes later, when I come back to my own life I just feel like it's another day. I'm not traveling anywhere to get home for Christmas in time, I'm not buying people presents, I'm not singing carols (neighbors... you're welcome), I drank hot chocolate once thus far and I have not listened to any Christmas songs AT ALL. (As I type I am listening to Taylor Swift)
Even though the posts were beautiful and I want no one to lack the spirit I did wonder if anyone else was feeling at all like me. I mean, it seems like everybody has been getting ready for Christmas for weeks and weeks, and I've just been sitting here as if it were any other month.

Up until last night, I only had a few moments where I kind of felt Christmas, but nothing really true and full. Last night I went to a little get together at a friend from high school's place. It was really good to catch up and open gifts and eat cookies and see people who know the good and the bad of who I am and still invite me places and WANT me to show up!
Then, tonight, a big thanks to Christmas Eve for bringing some more cheer home. My mom and I wrapped presents and watched Christmas Vacation and then I introduced her to one of my favorite Christmas movies, Love Actually. Oh how I love that movie, and it's even better when shared. We ordered pizza, garlic bread, diet soda and watched movies, shared stories about grandpa (he's doing a bit better but still being kept in the hospital) and wrapped the gifts.

Being surrounded by wrapped presents and scraps of wrapping paper definitely made Christmas a little more real. Helping my mom so she wouldn't have to be up until 1am like she has in the past made me feel good despite not having money to buy anybody anything.

I know the meaning of Christmas is not the actual gifts. I have learned that more and more with each passing year (which DOES NOT mean I don't look forward to getting gifts... I'm human). But I really do enjoy finding a great gift for someone and seeing their face when they open it or getting a call when they get the mail. I just keep telling myself I can surprise people throughout the year and be extra great on their birthdays once I get myself a job and life back on a path of some sort!

I've also been making mental notes of what I want my Christmas to be like next year. Presents will be bought for friends and family by the first week of December, I will have thought and planned for those gifts since the beginning of November, the paper will be brown and I will decorate it and there will be ribbon and it will be gorgeous. I will have a tree in my place (because by Christmas of next year I DEFINITELY plan on being out of my generous mother's house) that will be cute and decorated with lovely lights.
Next year I will be making paper snowflakes and some sort of dessert and maybe even salted caramel. I will watch the Christmakkah episodes of The O.C. as well as Love Actually and Elf...
Next year I'll help my mom stay on track because, let's be honest, she has her hands full with two kids (both will be in high school then) and her over full time job.
Oh yes, and there will be a picture of me on Santa's lap! I'll be planning my pose all year long.
I think I will start a pinterest of my Christmas goals for next year...

But until then I will keep this post more positive than what-am-I-doing-with-my-life melancholy and share some of the times I did feel like Santa day was almost here:

-My sibling sand I managed to surprise my mom with a Christmas tree! That was a good memory that I will have for years and years to come. We went to home depot to pick out a tree and we get it to the car, we had enough room to put it IN the car, and we drove home to find mom there. Luckily she hadn't (and didn't) go into the living room at all when we had been gone otherwise the surprise would have been ruined because I had cleared a spot and put the tree stand down already.
She was going to dinner with a friend so right after she left we grabbed the tree and started bringing it into the house, right as we almost made it in the door lil bro yelled "she's coming back!" because we saw a white car round the corner (and mom has a habit of coming back to grab something she forgot). With this we all laugh and scream and try our hardest to run with a tree in our arms and hide it in the office we have right by the living room.
Turns out the sighting was a false alarm but my goodness was it funny.

-Searching with Grandma for a gift for mom. Unfortunately we were unsuccessful but the outing was less stressful to her than most and she was so happy to be out of the house and searching for gifts for people. It's been really easy to forget the woman she was before she became caretaker for both my grandpa and her brother. It's been a hard few years for that woman and even if our outing was only a few hours I'm glad she had a second or two to be some of the woman I remember.

-Going around Target with my lovely friend Kate while she picked up some Christmas decorations for her and her man's apartment. Chatting and looking at Christmas decorations definitely help keep my spirits up.

-Walking around Target with B&N my housemates from a couple of years back, the picture above is actually of their tree. We bought some Starbucks drinks and walked around Target just like old times.
It probably should be said here that I am at Target quite frequently...

-Cleaning dishes from mom's baking. She bakes for her customers every year and while cleaning dishes isn't always great, getting some pieces of brownie or cookie are treats and the house always smells delicious.

-Decorating the tree with the family and introducing them to Elf. We couldn't find the lights for the Christmas tree for a good while, when we did mom pretended to fall into the tree from her perch on the couch while putting the lights at the top... we danced to the songs we had on, looked at the ornaments from the years and ate brownies or something else sweet.

-Going to the Zoo with Shay and Baby B! While it wasn't a Christmas adventure there were lights everywhere and Santa was doing photos (which I SHOULD have taken advantage of!) Seeing Ms. Shay and meeting Baby B were an awesome present. I miss her so much and he's ADORABLE. My friends keep having beautiful kids and I'm such a sucker.

-Going to the Wild Animal Park, oh excuse me, Zoo Safari with Señor and Baby Brows. Again, not Christmas related exactly but Señor Brows treated and Baby Brows is always a crack up. I love that little man so much. He's a baby giant, seriously.

-Taking the sibs to buy mom a christmas gift (at first I had an idea and I was going to pay for it and it was going to be cheap, but meaningful...) but then she gave us money to buy her a gift... oh next year you will be better, and I think we did a pretty good job. Lil Sis wrapped the gift up and I'm really excited for mom to open it tomorrow.

So I guess, all things considered, I'm not at a complete loss for good memories this year. There have been bits and pieces and tomorrow should be full of more. We might go visit Grandpa in the hospital, which is going to be hard, but probably a really good idea. Then it's off to northern L.A. to see some of the family and trade white elephant gifts.

Maybe I can get mom to stop for some hot chocolate on the way or something. :)

Merry Christmas lovelies.

Even if you don't celebrate I hope you find some happiness tomorrow.

xoxo