Where to start? I feel like I'm really growing this blog into something I want it to be but at the same time I feel like I'm still missing something. I like my scheduled posts, I think I have three a week now, when I actually follow through, and when I don't at least I know what I could post if I was at a loss for something to share. In my day to day life, with my face to face or chat space (facebook chat, text etc) I am rarely at a loss for something to say.
Honestly, I think I am usually complaining or wondering where I am going wrong. I feel a stagnant even though I have been making consistent changes in my life since January. They started off a little slower but to say that I have started 4 new jobs since January this year and have kept 3 of them is something of an achievement I think. What I focus on instead: the fact that I am not making enough money to live the way I want... what exactly does that entail you ask? Well, a room of my own, in a house that is not owned by my mother or father, with a place to sit and read as well as a place to work, a closet that doesn't have sad and mostly over-worn clothes in it, no guilt when I think of needing a hair cut, food that I find delicious to fill my belly three times a day, and time for adventures and every once in a while a weekend trip to Palm Springs, LA, or even San Francisco.
If I'm honest with myself, and I'm trying very hard to be honest most of the time, I could probably have a little more money for clothes or activities if I didn't eat outside of the house so much. The worst part is, the food that I buy elsewhere usually doesn't even taste that good. If I saved up and passed on all of those $6-9 meals I could go to the grocery store and get bread, jelly and peanut butter, a fruit or two, some carrots and have a healthier meal and money left over (this is not to say that's a healthy meal, it's just to say it's healthier than the ones I am eating). Unfortunately this having three jobs thing means there is a significant amount of time going in to travel and so much wiggle room to justify just stopping somewhere and getting a bite when going from one place to another.
I also haven't really made an effort to consistently exercise in a good while. I had a schedule going and I was sticking to it pretty well and then crash boom bang, there I go off the good habits train. After typing that I got down and gave myself 20 push ups and 15 reverse crunch/leg lift things. Felt good. It always does once I get into it.
I feel like I'm operating in a black hole, I've come off my meds and nothing is different for better or for worse. I still have emotional times where anything can send me to the brink of tears and temper tantrums (seriously anything, like not getting a sock bun right), I still blame myself for things that I have no control over and I still get in these aggravating and self deprecating fights with myself about how hopeless and pathetic I am. And by fights I mean that I give in to the abuse and don't fight back. So it's really not even a fight.
I'm so good at telling other people how great they will be, and how things will change and suggesting small things they can do to start turning their thinking around. I try these things, and if I look back far enough, I realize I have become a way nicer enemy to myself, I'm not nearly as harsh as I use to be about everything, now I can tell myself I'm pretty while telling myself that counts for nothing and won't keep a man around or get me a high salary career. Before I was ugly and couldn't have anything good. PROGRESS! Right?
I want it to stop, I want the self abuse, the torture, the search for the most hurtful words to call myself to stop. I want the broken record of inadequacy to turn down the volume if not shut all the way off.
I want to stop spending money on silly things like food at places I don't need to eat, I want to make more money, I don't want to be running around to three different jobs, maybe one of which really makes me happy. I don't want to be the one that tries to talk people out of thinking I'm great, I want to actually be able to believe them. I don't want each day to end and wonder why I wasted it, but know that I didn't know what else to do. I want my days off to feel like days off, not just quiet time to tear myself apart without distraction.
I want to believe that my future includes a man that loves me as much as I love him, one that doesn't make me feel like I am second best to anything, one that is actually a man and not a boy, who gets shit done and knows how to work through things when the going gets tough. A man that isn't afraid to have a child and a family, that doesn't need to keep partying because he wants to feel young. A man that likes to travel. He doesn't have to be interested in photography, he doesn't even have to like to read, but he needs to respect and admire that I love them both, just like I'll respect whatever it is that he is really passionate about, even if I'm not all that into it.
I want a place that feels like MY home, with big windows that let in light. That has a kitchen I feel comfortable in so I don't constantly want to go somewhere else for food. I want a kitten who will grow into a small cat that is cuddly and fun (and a girl). I want wood floors and pictures on the walls. I want my bed to be made for two, and eventually room in our life for the two to become three. I want time and money to go on a hot air balloon ride and go back to Argentina. I want to know what it is I want to work my ass off for.
I think that's the hardest thing, to not know what my next step is. That's what has me going in these same circles. I want to move upward not in a straight line or worse off, backward. (I also want this fly in my room to die.)
I want cuddles and date nights and weekend getaways with friends. I want to keep learning, keep exploring and maybe have my hand in a few buckets (three at most) so that I am never bored, always able to switch gears when life feels a little stagnant.
I don't want to be solely responsible for answering phones, I don't want to work for companies who's business practices or employee treatment I don't agree with. I don't want to create half ass newsletters to people that really don't want to be bothered with the information anyway.
I want a schedule that I control. I want to be able to wake up when I want to (granted, I want to change my body clock to be an earlier riser instead of a night owl), I want to be able to decide how long a project is going to take instead of having to make it fit into 8 hours. If I get it done in 2 then I should still get paid the same amount.
I want enough money to be able to not worry about random purchases of up to $200, but I also want to be controlled in my spending so that those kinds of random don't happen often at all. I don't want to have to worry about where the money is going to come from to go to the doctor's office or get new tires on the car. I don't want to have credit card debt that looms when I think of things I want to save for, like a new computer or vacations or new tattoos.
I want to be healthier and by that I mean eat more vegetables, less fatty meats, and more fruits. I want to exercise more which means at least 2 days a week at a dance studio, they don't have to be the same one. I want to compete in a pole competition and get my twisted grip ayesha. I want my middle splits and an impossible looking back bend. I want to pay off my car and my credit card debt and get a car that I love looking at and driving, one that doesn't rattle when I put on the breaks going downhill with my wheel slightly turned.
I want, I want, I want.
What's the first step? In the most basic terms: make more money in one or two places, not three. Find a job that pays enough to get all the bills and some extra at the end of the month and still have time (and energy) for everything else. One that will help me create and explore what's next.
I want peace in my mind, I want to like myself consistently. I want to be happier, I don't need to always be happy, but I definitely want to be happier. I want change and I want answers and I want to stop feeling pathetic.
They say life is what you make it, I feel like I'm falling short on making it anything. Is this just the storm before the success? The turning point where life decides if I'm woman enough to handle it? I can only hope, because I am tired of looking at my friends lives and wondering where I am going wrong. Wondering how they can stay so positive and figure these things out.
xoxo
