blurry picture and nonlinear thoughts

a photographic representation on my thoughts about life right now... hazy, blurry, a little jarring to the senses...

I've come to a point where I don't even remember what it is I use to write here or why I did it. I get so lost in the "what kind of post should I do?" that I forget about what I use to want to do when I thought no one read it, or when I just wanted a collection of things for me. I go back and forth on what I want from this space, sometimes I want to scrap it entirely and start over but I'm not sure I would do anything different than I am now. I read books about blogging and wonder how to make this little space more popular, how to reach more people, but I often come back to the question why? Have I stopped going through my day to day here because I don't want to bore, offend, or seem any certain way to people who may or may not read this?

I really don't know.

What I do know is that there are a handful of blogs that I would just love to be like. But I think I get caught up in being like them that I don't know what to be myself.

Or I don't have pictures that will go with the post. I don't like using other people's pictures anymore because of respecting the artwork of others AND because I want to be motivated to take even more pictures. And then I get caught up on if the picture is good enough or if the words flow well or if I am giving an accurate representation of my day or life and I stop typing and save a draft and walk away.

I've been told many a time that I'm too hard on myself. I don't know how to fix it because in my brain I've decided that the thoughts I have about myself are normal, and like many pessimists will say, "I'm not being pessimistic/negative/cynical, I'm just being realistic."

I've been feeling like my life is really cyclical lately. Like no matter what I do, no matter how fast or slow I go I always end up back in the same place. Not like a circle, more like an infinity symbol. This realization along with some others has made me seek outside help to realign my thoughts, my mind and my body. I don't want to feel like it's inevitable that I find myself back in the middle over and over again, I want to feel like I'm getting somewhere new. It doesn't have to be an intensely better new, but a new with different feelings and emotions and experiences.

I might post about my trials, I might not, that decision has yet to be made.

What I do know is, I just went to kill a spider in my room (sorry spider lovers) and I hit it just so that baby spiders burst out of it... worst part, mama spider got away, back under my bed. I'm feeling a little itchy now.

xoxo

52 dishes: Dish 5

Dish five... was a success! I bought myself some tilapia to throw together a fast meal and took parts of two recipes (one and two) to get my desired outcome.

I don't like tomatoes so I put broccoli in instead (and the second day I put in green beans) and then some garlic salt and lemons and oh goodness! DELICIOUS!

I plan on getting some frozen tilapia from costco or something and making this a weekly (possibly even daily) thing. I am going to try and stray from habit too much though. Maybe try it with chicken one week and salmon another. It's such an easy meal I'm really stoked.
The only problem is that the fish does not taste nearly as good the next day. It dries out a lot overnight. Needing meals that can be next day's lunch! On to the next recipe!

xoxo

where have you been?

As you may or may not have noticed, I have been a bit absent from this space lately. Once in a while I have popped back in to say hello, maybe with a little dish to share or a Currently to go through, but other than that I've brought the silence. I'm sorry. I have been feeling a tad overwhelmed and unable to stay super positive lately and so I haven't said much of anything.
I plan on doing monthly recaps from now on, and this one is a little late considering we are halfway through February, but it is what it is.

January and this part of February have looked a little like this:
the not so good
- a stomach sickness/irritation carried on since the day after Christmas... it still has lingering affects
- my friend took his life on the 7th
- my grandpa passed on the 8th
- doctors and testing and medical bills on the credit card
- the coldest days we've seen in San Diego in 20+ years... in a room built off the garage without a heater
- went on antibiotics for possible stomach issue... they screwed me up far more than I already was. Never want to take antibiotics ever again.
- got my taxes done... awful.
- everything I paid off in the last year and more back on the credit card due to medical bills and taxes


the good
- a class to get myself excited about the year of photography
- pictures with one side of the family, it's been at least 10 years since we've all been together in a picture
- a new friend
- stopped drinking Diet Coke due to stomach issues and haven't had one since. Still miss it really bad but I'm considering it good because it was a habit that needed to be broken
- a couple of meet ups, one at Belmont Park and another at an abandoned house
- cooked some fried rice, pancakes and some duds
- cooked a few more delicious things (to be introduced later)
- took pictures of a friend's cousins... my first job as a photographer, I got paid in a gas card and a target card... score. times a million.
- participated in a book swap
- saw my friends play at The Roxy in Hollywood with Every Time I Die

Basically the past 8 weeks have been filled with many ups and downs. A lot of sleep not had, a lot of tears in the first 3 weeks, a lot of just carrying on because what else is there to do. I would be lying if I said I wasn't discouraged, but I am finding a need to focus on one specific thing in the next few months and I'm hoping that by finally focusing on it, and jumping in despite being scared, that things will start turning around. And it will feel lighter in my head.

My birthday is coming up in two weeks! Somehow I still get excited about that.

xoxo

Currently

mood: Undecided, but not in a bad way. Excited that I slept through the night for the first time in weeks. Maybe the grossness of January is finally leaving, I'm crossing my fingers. There's a lot going on in my head, (when is there not really?) some of which I am happy about, some confused. That's just how it goes though.

eating: A lot of greek yogurt and fish. Not together, yogurt in the mornings generally and fish at night. Lunch is up in the air day by day. 

drinking: Water, just water. Plain ol' life giving but not diet coke tasting, water.

watching: The minutes on the clock go by. New Girl, I'm looking forward to getting caught up on the new episode of The Walking Dead, Pretty Little Liars and I have a few episodes of Bones to catch up on. I really don't watch tv shows much, there are always other things I rather be doing like... 

reading: May Cause Miracles, Blog Inc and lots of blogs. Just finished a guide to photography that had a lot of good information in it. I post it noted and underlined a lot that I will be referring back to often.

loving: That I slept through the night, seriously. It's a big step. I want it to continue for as long as possible. I need the uninterrupted rest. 

Reading and note taking, reading books on photography etc.

learning: Every day. Learning about myself, learning about others, still, learning more about photography and how to get the images I want. Learning how to take being not so great at something semi decently... learning. That's my life in a word, learning.

thinking: About my grandpa. His memorial was this weekend and it was really therapeutic. But now I miss him. It's not a sad missing though, just remembering the good times. 

Also, less seriously, about that silly holiday known as Valentine's Day. (full disclosure: I would not call it silly if I was in a serious relationship and new I was celebrating it...I'd probably be excited) Not sure how I am going to live that day. Pretend like it's just like any other? Make myself some cupcakes? I really need to reduce my sugar intake so maybe not that... watch Valentine's Day or get a heart shaped pinata and smash it to pieces? Who knows. 

wishing: for a sign or two. for motivation. I guess on the second I could just stop wishing and start doing ;) maybe a little more direction. 

xoxo

52 Dishes: Dish 4

Life has been a bit unpredicable this year and so I have decided that I am changing it from weekly to just 52 meals in 52 weeks, I am going to try my absolute best to get one in a week, but sometimes things happen and I don't feel hungry or can't eat much other than yogurt and bananas. But 52 dishes will be made this year! And my limit for catch up meals in a week is going to be three, because otherwise madness will ensue at the end of the year. :)

For dish #4 I decided to make fried rice. I went with this recipe, but decided not to add the chicken. I worried, about halfway in to making the dish,that the lack of chicken might make the dish come out too salty (maybe the chicken absorbs some of the oil and soy sauce). Luckily that was not the case!

Unfortunately I couldn't eat more than a couple spoonfuls of it, my sickness has not found it's cure yet, but my roommate ate a lot of it and thought it was really good, so I would call it a success.

YAY! First dish that worked!

xoxo

Hello February

I know I'm not alone when I say thank goodness January is over. Thank. freeking. goodness. I know it's just a month and I can't hold that which happened during against it, but oh my, my my my, how I've needed this month to come to an end.
While I would love to just close the door to January and never look back, I know there are some things that are going to need to be tied up, a couple of repairs are going to need to be made. I'll get through it though and during the reparations I'll be giving it my all to see things differently. And by differently I mean more positively. I'll be looking for lessons instead of shortcomings and even on the difficult days I will be finding things to be grateful for.
I'll be going on another two (at least) photo adventures, this time slowing down with them and really learning from each picture.
I will be cooking even if I don't want to. The strange stomach ailments I've been having for the past month don't get to mess up my goals anymore.
And during all of this... when I'm seeing things differently, slowing down, taking pictures, learning and cooking I will be writing, 750 words daily, because I signed up for a challenge and well, writing can help put things into perspective.

February is going to be about picking up the pieces and making something pretty. Because come March... birthday month... things better be looking rather shiny!

xoxo

Photo Adventure #2: The Barrett House

Monday I went on a little adventure to an abandoned house in Jamul. I have been wanting to see this house for a while now, my friend Brian told me about it months and months ago and finally, FINALLY I got it all together and scheduled a meet up.
The day started with a little scare, Lisa and I drove to the meeting spot and then, because we were early, went ahead and checked out the actual location. We went back to the meeting spot and up comes a police car. He sits a bit away from us, I can't tell if he's looking in our direction or not. The other part of our group drives up and we head to the house... wouldn't you know, right when we pull out of the gas station the police man does too! We panic a little, go past the road for the house and then turn around and double back when we realized he turned the other way.
Yay being paranoid! My fault.
After that little scare we get up to the house and it's a bit chilly. The house is obviously destroyed on the inside. I wanted to go in but I Lisa made the good point of maybe there were squatters in there... I didn't have a shank handy (though there was plenty of glass on the ground) so I hesitated. Luckily, one of the others ventured forward.
We cruised around the bottom level of what I think was the main house for a second, but the light was dim and we didn't have much to work with. Looking back I wish I had gone upstairs, I wish I had explored a little more. I get scared easily, of getting in trouble and getting hurt. I guess that means I need to go again soon, maybe with a big dude, just in case.
We spent a good amount of time outside looking at the grounds, the boarded up barn and the other house/garage/I don't really know.
I found myself sad and in awe at the same time. Sad that people felt the need to destroy this beautiful and old place, sad that people couldn't appreciate it as a memory. But kids/teens (it looked like a lot of kids had been through there at night) sometimes feel the need to destroy things, I guess an old house is better than each other? I don't really know.
I wonder why the owners haven't tried to do something with it, or if they have and it just hasn't gone anywhere. The porch/balcony on the back of the main house was gorgeous despite all the wear.
This house was gorgeous at one time, it was beautiful and loved. I hope someone find a way to love it, or the land sometime soon.
A post about lessons learned from my first two photo adventures coming soon!

xoxo

last photo via @lisakimberly11