Leaving Austin was the hardest thing to do. I left there ending a relationship that has been the focus of my life for the past 9+ months. I didn't know if I wanted to post anything about it here but this is a documentation of my life and my thoughts and the things I find online so it seems a little inappropriate not to.
The first week was hard then easy, the second week was confusing and started easy but ended hard and sad. I feel like a few more weeks here on out will be filled with the same. I'm the kind of person that moves on to the next thing super fast. I don't mean the next person, that's never fast, I mean, the next thing, the next thing that's going to make me feel giddy or hopeful or in some way happy. Thinking about the end of a relationship was not something that was leaving me with hope and I did't mean to but I sought distractions. Books, new computer, planning what's next. I'm doing my best to grieve too. I know grieving is very very important. Grieve what is lost. We're still talking but obviously it's hard. I don't want to be in Austin, even if I would love to visit again in the far future. I want to be in Nashville. My head was screaming "What about Nashville" the whole time I was in Austin.
That didn't leave room for giving Austin a fair chance. It didn't leave room for an actual vacation, I came home far more worn out than I had been on the flight there. But questions were answered. Questions that I didn't want to ask, questions that he didn't want to ask, questions that we all try to avoid until our body or mind or tear ducts just won't let us ignore them anymore.
Something is calling me to Nashville. I couldn't even begin to tell you what exactly it is. I can't guarantee I'll find what I am searching for when I get there. But I HAVE to go. I was at a crossroad of Should and Have and my body, my mind picked Have. I should have stayed there, I should have made it work somehow, I should have found a way to fall head over heals for Austin. Maybe. Who knows. But that's what it felt like. I felt like my heart was being ripped as my plane took off back to California. I cried even though there were people in the seats next to me. I tried to keep it as quiet as I could but my nose gets stuffed up and I start sniffling pretty fast into the waterworks. I am trying not to tear up about it now.
I know now better than ever what people mean when they say dreams take sacrifice. That you're going to have to give up a lot of good and great to get blow your mind, out of this world, right. I know what they mean when they say we have to do things we don't want to do. Like say goodbye. Not to the person forever but to that time you had, those months, those eternities of smiles and hand kisses and adventures and waking up and not knowing what to do on weekends. I never knew before because I didn't let myself get close to that kind of emotional investment. I regret none of it. I cherish all of it.
The future is going to have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Until then I'm here, heavy and light.
xoxo
