Saturday, October 25, 2014
My Right Now
Read this post at We Seek Joy and decided to tackle the question myself.
What is your Right Now?
My right now is for deep breaths and taking a step back to realize just how much has been accomplished. It's for cutting back and frugality, for seeing where things go in the next two weeks, for searching and testing but maybe not committing.
Right now is for pictures of symmetrical doorways, for reading all the books I checked out of the library. It is for continuing growth that has been on the slow track for so, so long.
Right now is for awe and gratitude while driving down side streets, it's for a couple tears matched with the knowledge that the right choice was made. It's about figuring out how to love and appreciate the memories, to not feel like a traitor, to honor what that time was, while being in the present and seeing all that is possible now.
Right now is about digging a little deeper into what I really want. I have a foundation, I have a town that I could potentially call home for many, many years... so now what? Not in a bad way, in a glorious, "the world (and this state) is my oyster" kind of way.
Right now is for picking and choosing, it's for acknowledging the little treats to myself so that they don't just become habit and drain the bank without real reward, for less sugar but at the same time testing out sweet tea.
Right now is for researching coats, puffy vests and blankets for the winter, for selling my older computer finally and for learning how to be fancy while cleaning tables. It's about writing down addresses that I see while driving and looking up their costs later.
Some parts dreaming, other parts planning, getting into the creating.
Right now... oh right now.
xoxo
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Roadtrip to Nashville: The Homestretch
(Pictures lost in numerous blog transfers)
I call this last leg of the trip the homestretch even though it was over two days. I woke up in Oklahoma on Wednesday, October 1st and decided to see the coolest thing I could find in Oklahoma City. I considered a bookstore and a couple other places but they wouldn't be open that early in the morning. When I found Bricktown and the water taxis, I was sold. I gathered my things from my hotel, got caught in a tiny bit of morning traffic and then found my way to a part of town that sleeps in. It might be obvious by now, but maybe not, I really, really enjoy places when they are lacking crowds, in fact, it's even better when they are devoid of other people. I like the pictures I can take, I like the quiet, I just really like exploring a place without having to maneuver around other bodies.
This part of Oklahoma City didn't have many people walking around so it made for an awesome morning.
After Bricktown I got back on yet another highway, something I still wasn't tired of at this point, and drove through more of Oklahoma. I headed to Tulsa with one specific neighborhood in mind to see.
I fell a little in love with the Blue Dome District. It reminded me of Portland and of something else though I'm not sure what. There were old and abandoned looking buildings that were in between bars and restaurants, there were murals, and really cool shops. I stopped for lunch at Dilly Deli which I highly recommend. Not just because the sandwich was good, but because this restaurant is so dang cute, and my waitress was so friendly and informative. I asked her about life in Tulsa, what I should see with only like 15 minutes to explore, and what happens when there are tornados. I'm slightly obsessed with this whole inclement weather thing because I've never had to deal with it before. She shrugged the tornados off like San Diegans shrug off earthquakes though and told me that should I see people getting out their cameras on their front porch then it's time to hit the basement (or the downstairs bathroom). Good to know as tornados are not that likely (at all) in my part of Tennessee, but are possible.
I was a bit sad I didn't have more time to explore Tulsa, but I had place to go and one more thing to see before Missouri!
My last stop before civilization was a totem pole found through roadtrippers. Believe me when I say this thing was weird, and I'm not sure quite worth it. It was interesting and I found some bugs I've never seen before in my life. Should you go through Oklahoma I feel like you could skip it and be okay. Take more time in Tulsa.
Back to the bug thing though, the trees were buzzing with noise, it was incredibly humid and as I'm walking by one of the totems I see this long, black thing that I thought was one thousandth (hundred thousandth?) of the noise coming from the trees. I looked him up later though, after someone suggestion he (she) was a cicada and it turns out it was not a cicada, but this was a cicada wasp (also known as a ground digger wasp). It was gross but I let it go as I know that my life outside of San Diego will definitely be filled with more bugs.
After leaving the cicada killer wasp to it's totem pole (and day job) I continued on my way to Springfield, Missouri to meet up with Haley from Mushaboom. I'm going to take a quick second to talk about how awesome the internet, blogging, and instagram CAN be. Yes I definitely need to stop looking at Instagram so much, and yes, society as a whole can definitely benefit from re-learning how to talk to each other in person, BUT, there are still awesome, wonderful and amazing benefits to this thing called social media.
Okay, so, get to meeting with Haley, we chat it up until Mr. Tucker gets home and then they take me out for some food. I'm going to stop again, just to say, these two are so very generous and kind and awesome. I was a little worried that I would feel awkward because I had been alone with my thoughts for the past three and a half days but I had absolutely nothing to worry about. We talked and laughed about different cliques within the music scene, we at pizza, perused an awesome bookstore and I ate myself a delicious cupcake. The night was wonderful and their place is so well decorated. Wood floors, open kitchen, just a whole load of cuteness that I couldn't get over. And their cat Walt, we were buddies in minutes.
The next morning I woke early so I could get on my way to Nashville and hopefully beat out some of the thunderstorms that were suppose to be coming to every city/town I would be passing through. The drive started out looking pretty ominous but it was nothing short of an incredible view. I did manage to miss the worst of the storms the whole day. I drove through rain on my way from The Tucker's house to Starbucks and then on a little more in Missouri, but less than an hour later and I was looking at no rain... and some people in horse drawn carriages along the road. No, seriously, horse drawn carriages, don't worry there were signs for it.
I didn't want to stop too much but I did want to make sure I got out of the car in Kentucky so I headed to The Rose of the Lake for a view. I got a little lost once I reached the town, decided against eating at Patti and Bill's Restaurant, but did manage to find this little lighthouse on a lake. It was a perfect last stop.
I made it into Nashville with a good amount of sunlight to spare. I stopped at Target (surprisingly it was the one I had been to a year before) got myself an airbed and some other necessities and the continued on to my new apartment.
I don't have any pretty words to wrap up this trip. It was so many different things at once. There was nostalgia, euphoria, wonder, awe, amazement and so many other emotions that I felt and probably didn't fully process those five days (and still haven't now, 16 days later). I'm so grateful I was in a position to be able to do this and have a family that supports me so much. The two words that kept coming up were gratitude and grace. All I know is that this trip was everything I hoped it to be and more. Which is what I can also say for Nashville thus far.
xoxo
I call this last leg of the trip the homestretch even though it was over two days. I woke up in Oklahoma on Wednesday, October 1st and decided to see the coolest thing I could find in Oklahoma City. I considered a bookstore and a couple other places but they wouldn't be open that early in the morning. When I found Bricktown and the water taxis, I was sold. I gathered my things from my hotel, got caught in a tiny bit of morning traffic and then found my way to a part of town that sleeps in. It might be obvious by now, but maybe not, I really, really enjoy places when they are lacking crowds, in fact, it's even better when they are devoid of other people. I like the pictures I can take, I like the quiet, I just really like exploring a place without having to maneuver around other bodies.
This part of Oklahoma City didn't have many people walking around so it made for an awesome morning.
After Bricktown I got back on yet another highway, something I still wasn't tired of at this point, and drove through more of Oklahoma. I headed to Tulsa with one specific neighborhood in mind to see.
I fell a little in love with the Blue Dome District. It reminded me of Portland and of something else though I'm not sure what. There were old and abandoned looking buildings that were in between bars and restaurants, there were murals, and really cool shops. I stopped for lunch at Dilly Deli which I highly recommend. Not just because the sandwich was good, but because this restaurant is so dang cute, and my waitress was so friendly and informative. I asked her about life in Tulsa, what I should see with only like 15 minutes to explore, and what happens when there are tornados. I'm slightly obsessed with this whole inclement weather thing because I've never had to deal with it before. She shrugged the tornados off like San Diegans shrug off earthquakes though and told me that should I see people getting out their cameras on their front porch then it's time to hit the basement (or the downstairs bathroom). Good to know as tornados are not that likely (at all) in my part of Tennessee, but are possible.
I was a bit sad I didn't have more time to explore Tulsa, but I had place to go and one more thing to see before Missouri!
My last stop before civilization was a totem pole found through roadtrippers. Believe me when I say this thing was weird, and I'm not sure quite worth it. It was interesting and I found some bugs I've never seen before in my life. Should you go through Oklahoma I feel like you could skip it and be okay. Take more time in Tulsa.
Back to the bug thing though, the trees were buzzing with noise, it was incredibly humid and as I'm walking by one of the totems I see this long, black thing that I thought was one thousandth (hundred thousandth?) of the noise coming from the trees. I looked him up later though, after someone suggestion he (she) was a cicada and it turns out it was not a cicada, but this was a cicada wasp (also known as a ground digger wasp). It was gross but I let it go as I know that my life outside of San Diego will definitely be filled with more bugs.
After leaving the cicada killer wasp to it's totem pole (and day job) I continued on my way to Springfield, Missouri to meet up with Haley from Mushaboom. I'm going to take a quick second to talk about how awesome the internet, blogging, and instagram CAN be. Yes I definitely need to stop looking at Instagram so much, and yes, society as a whole can definitely benefit from re-learning how to talk to each other in person, BUT, there are still awesome, wonderful and amazing benefits to this thing called social media.
Okay, so, get to meeting with Haley, we chat it up until Mr. Tucker gets home and then they take me out for some food. I'm going to stop again, just to say, these two are so very generous and kind and awesome. I was a little worried that I would feel awkward because I had been alone with my thoughts for the past three and a half days but I had absolutely nothing to worry about. We talked and laughed about different cliques within the music scene, we at pizza, perused an awesome bookstore and I ate myself a delicious cupcake. The night was wonderful and their place is so well decorated. Wood floors, open kitchen, just a whole load of cuteness that I couldn't get over. And their cat Walt, we were buddies in minutes.
The next morning I woke early so I could get on my way to Nashville and hopefully beat out some of the thunderstorms that were suppose to be coming to every city/town I would be passing through. The drive started out looking pretty ominous but it was nothing short of an incredible view. I did manage to miss the worst of the storms the whole day. I drove through rain on my way from The Tucker's house to Starbucks and then on a little more in Missouri, but less than an hour later and I was looking at no rain... and some people in horse drawn carriages along the road. No, seriously, horse drawn carriages, don't worry there were signs for it.
I didn't want to stop too much but I did want to make sure I got out of the car in Kentucky so I headed to The Rose of the Lake for a view. I got a little lost once I reached the town, decided against eating at Patti and Bill's Restaurant, but did manage to find this little lighthouse on a lake. It was a perfect last stop.
I made it into Nashville with a good amount of sunlight to spare. I stopped at Target (surprisingly it was the one I had been to a year before) got myself an airbed and some other necessities and the continued on to my new apartment.
I don't have any pretty words to wrap up this trip. It was so many different things at once. There was nostalgia, euphoria, wonder, awe, amazement and so many other emotions that I felt and probably didn't fully process those five days (and still haven't now, 16 days later). I'm so grateful I was in a position to be able to do this and have a family that supports me so much. The two words that kept coming up were gratitude and grace. All I know is that this trip was everything I hoped it to be and more. Which is what I can also say for Nashville thus far.
xoxo
Friday, October 17, 2014
Day Fifteen
Hello again,
It's crazy I've had posts every day this week but still feel like I haven't been around here. Maybe because I have been writing these in advance? I start to feel guilty for not being here and the I realize I am here more than I have ever been.
Almost put Nashville in the title of this and then realized I am starting to sound like a love-sick school girl. Hey ya'll, got a new boyfriend, his name's Nashville. It's prrrretty serious.
Anywho, after I wrote my Monday goals and agonized a little over not having gotten a job yet (seriously? the standards I hold myself to are crazy sometimes) I proceeded to have two interview that went really well and then had two set up for Tuesday. Flash forward to Tuesday me getting not one but two jobs! That's right! Not even 12 full days into my new city and I land two jobs. Yay manifestation and trusting that things work out AND going for what I want. Oh goodness, like I said before, it's been a whirlwind.
I started my first job with a company called Organizing Ease. I am so, so excited about this opportunity because well, I'm an organization junkie and now I get the chance to really experience and learn what that means on a professional level. My boss and coworkers are awesome too. I'm stoked. I jumped right into that job the day after being hired. The other one I will be starting next week. I'm giving myself the weekend to explore a little more and relax and then get ready for a lot of learning and figuring out what my personal projects will be and where they will fit. Always have personal projects. Always.
I've been realizing since I've gotten here that my wants and needs are a little (maybe a lot) different than I thought they were overall when I left San Diego. I was thinking that I was still going to have a transitory mindset when I got here because that's what I had been use to for 3, maybe even 6 years. I was use to wondering where my next place to live would be and how I could get out and go other places but now that I'm here I am looking at houses thinking "Hmmmm, that would be lovely." As much as I love traveling, I would love, love, love a place to come home to that is mine and wonderful. It's got me thinking about my minimalism and all sorts of other stuff too. I'm sure I'll write about those thoughts deeper in their own posts later.
What else? Putting it out to the thrifting gods that I would love a serving tray that has a ouija board print on it, or one that has Tennessee on it... also a huuuuge older American flag to hang in this wide open space I have above my bed. And old U.S. Map is also on that list, have to outline the states I've been to. I also wouldn't mind a map of Tennessee, or Nashville.
Every day after work I've been exploring or seeing something new. If you've been watching my instagram feed you'll know I've been all over the frickin place. I love it. I am seeing different neighborhoods, food and coffee shops, murals, scenery, etc. Today I saw a house that made me swoon... well, I didn't really get a good look at the house, it was the long road to the house that got me. Imagine two lines of parallel trees framing a dirt road up to a tall house. I'm sold. How do I make millions and buy it? No, but seriously.
This weekend is the last one I will have for a while I think, I'll have my time off here and there spread out over the week instead of two days now that I will be juggling two job schedules. All will be well though, excited for the future and what it brings. Very happy in the present.
xoxo
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Roadtrip to Nashville: Arizona to Oklahoma
(Pictures lost in numerous blog transfers)
After leaving Glen Canyon I went back to the hotel to get some breakfast, get my stuff and hit the road. I had quite a bit of driving to do before getting to Albuquerque with not a lot of stops in mind. I made it to Albuquerque before sunset and found myself an Urban Outfitter for some Instax Wide film and then a Target for familiarity and what I called slip on driving shoes. I then went to my hotel and made some cds for the next day's drive.
The next morning I woke somewhat early and made my way back down to Central Ave where the Urban Outfitter was, the area was cute and weird and reminded me a lot of Portland. Unfortunately I didn't get a great picture of it so we'll move on.
My first stop of the day was The Blue Hole of Santa Rosa. This little wonder is not very long across but it is quite deep. The wind was blowing something fierce and I heard that the water had cooled off considerably since the summer (not to mention I had a long drive) so I didn't jump in but I wouldn't mind going back again sometime in the future. The water was definitely gorgeous shades of blue. So strange, this deep, deep water hole in the middle of nowhere almost.
When I got back on the road again I was hungry and stopped to get some food, and while I did that I ran into the Nutella wagon which I did not know was a thing. Strange? Awesome? Do I wish I could swim in that trailer nutella? Possibly. It definitely wasn't the first weird thing I saw on the road (a pack of billy goats all eating one bush earlier in Arizona) nor would it be the last, but it was awesome none the less. And fitting that I saw it at Love's, because that is how I feel about Nutella.
After some food it was time to head to Tucumcari. I went there just expecting to see Tee Pee Curios but it was so much more. Tucumcari seemed to me to be a ghost town. There were abandoned buildings every couple of yards. Gas stations, Drive Inn Foods, Car Shops, etc. I wondered what had hit this town so hard. I saw a couple people here and there but the town definitely had a lonely feel.
After Tee Pee Curios I had a long way to go but not a lot to see. I drove through the top of Texas, seeing abandoned gas stations at nearly every exit. At both state lines there was mention of ghost towns, and I drove through Texola I believe, but I didn't get out of the car. It was a half abandoned town. Some houses were clearly left to disintegrate slowly while others were still occupied. I'm still working out my bravery in picture taking as well as what I consider respectful to surrounding inhabitants so I stayed in my car and just wondered at all the emptiness.
Earlier in the day I did have a focus of finding a New Mexico inspired blanket for cheap, I had stopped at a couple places the day before but had only found expensive versions of what I wanted. This day I was a little more successful, but only after stopping a good three plus times. FINALLY I found a black, white and gray blanket for maybe $7. This definitely set me back a bit time wise, but I kept telling myself I was on no absolute schedule and it would all be okay. I mean really, road trip here, not a race, the whole point was to enjoy it and have no pressure. Yay type A!
Anywho, after a stop in Amarillo (which in my head is pronounced amaree-yo, but I'm pretty sure is actually said with the l's) and the aforementioned Texola, I drove across Oklahoma, listening to Jason Aldean's Fly Over States far too many times to count, singing along and feeling so alive and happy.
It's still a wonder to me that I rarely felt sleepy on the road. I think the trick was not eating heavy meals and only snacking. Admittedly, I could have been snacking healthier but I was very glad to not get the road hypnosis that I was accustom to battling with my road trips from San Diego to Portland.
Any time I did get a little too relaxed and comfy feeling I would just start moving my head side to side taking in all that way passing me by. To the untrained eye it probably all looked really similar, but to me each house had a story that I was curious about. Technically a city girl I wondered how long it took these people to get groceries, and if their meal planning was necessary by nature and not fad. I wondered about where there was a grocery store and how long it took them to get from their gates to their front door. I wondered many things as the miles passed by. There were so many times that I saw scenes that made me want to stop on the interstate and take pictures. But alas I did not. I'm still not sure of what I would tell a police officer should they find me in the emergency lane with a camera in hand. I'll save that act of bravery for the future perhaps.
I made it into Oklahoma past sunset and settled into my last hotel of the trip.
Up next: The Homestretch
xoxo
After leaving Glen Canyon I went back to the hotel to get some breakfast, get my stuff and hit the road. I had quite a bit of driving to do before getting to Albuquerque with not a lot of stops in mind. I made it to Albuquerque before sunset and found myself an Urban Outfitter for some Instax Wide film and then a Target for familiarity and what I called slip on driving shoes. I then went to my hotel and made some cds for the next day's drive.
The next morning I woke somewhat early and made my way back down to Central Ave where the Urban Outfitter was, the area was cute and weird and reminded me a lot of Portland. Unfortunately I didn't get a great picture of it so we'll move on.
My first stop of the day was The Blue Hole of Santa Rosa. This little wonder is not very long across but it is quite deep. The wind was blowing something fierce and I heard that the water had cooled off considerably since the summer (not to mention I had a long drive) so I didn't jump in but I wouldn't mind going back again sometime in the future. The water was definitely gorgeous shades of blue. So strange, this deep, deep water hole in the middle of nowhere almost.
When I got back on the road again I was hungry and stopped to get some food, and while I did that I ran into the Nutella wagon which I did not know was a thing. Strange? Awesome? Do I wish I could swim in that trailer nutella? Possibly. It definitely wasn't the first weird thing I saw on the road (a pack of billy goats all eating one bush earlier in Arizona) nor would it be the last, but it was awesome none the less. And fitting that I saw it at Love's, because that is how I feel about Nutella.
After some food it was time to head to Tucumcari. I went there just expecting to see Tee Pee Curios but it was so much more. Tucumcari seemed to me to be a ghost town. There were abandoned buildings every couple of yards. Gas stations, Drive Inn Foods, Car Shops, etc. I wondered what had hit this town so hard. I saw a couple people here and there but the town definitely had a lonely feel.
After Tee Pee Curios I had a long way to go but not a lot to see. I drove through the top of Texas, seeing abandoned gas stations at nearly every exit. At both state lines there was mention of ghost towns, and I drove through Texola I believe, but I didn't get out of the car. It was a half abandoned town. Some houses were clearly left to disintegrate slowly while others were still occupied. I'm still working out my bravery in picture taking as well as what I consider respectful to surrounding inhabitants so I stayed in my car and just wondered at all the emptiness.
Earlier in the day I did have a focus of finding a New Mexico inspired blanket for cheap, I had stopped at a couple places the day before but had only found expensive versions of what I wanted. This day I was a little more successful, but only after stopping a good three plus times. FINALLY I found a black, white and gray blanket for maybe $7. This definitely set me back a bit time wise, but I kept telling myself I was on no absolute schedule and it would all be okay. I mean really, road trip here, not a race, the whole point was to enjoy it and have no pressure. Yay type A!
Anywho, after a stop in Amarillo (which in my head is pronounced amaree-yo, but I'm pretty sure is actually said with the l's) and the aforementioned Texola, I drove across Oklahoma, listening to Jason Aldean's Fly Over States far too many times to count, singing along and feeling so alive and happy.
It's still a wonder to me that I rarely felt sleepy on the road. I think the trick was not eating heavy meals and only snacking. Admittedly, I could have been snacking healthier but I was very glad to not get the road hypnosis that I was accustom to battling with my road trips from San Diego to Portland.
Any time I did get a little too relaxed and comfy feeling I would just start moving my head side to side taking in all that way passing me by. To the untrained eye it probably all looked really similar, but to me each house had a story that I was curious about. Technically a city girl I wondered how long it took these people to get groceries, and if their meal planning was necessary by nature and not fad. I wondered about where there was a grocery store and how long it took them to get from their gates to their front door. I wondered many things as the miles passed by. There were so many times that I saw scenes that made me want to stop on the interstate and take pictures. But alas I did not. I'm still not sure of what I would tell a police officer should they find me in the emergency lane with a camera in hand. I'll save that act of bravery for the future perhaps.
I made it into Oklahoma past sunset and settled into my last hotel of the trip.
Up next: The Homestretch
xoxo
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Roadtrip to Nashville: Horseshoe Bend, Glen Canyon
(There use to be pictures, but in transferring between blogs they have been lost)
Words cannot adequately describe Horseshoe Canyon and my experience there in the early morning light but I'll do my best here.
The morning was chilly to say the least and there was a slight chance of rain but nothing I couldn't handle. I was ready to be soaked in my jeans, beanie, plaid shirt and hoodie if necessary. The walk to the edge wasn't difficult by any means but I think (hope) the altitude mixed with the sand made me a little breathless. Untrained lungs aside, I walked up to the rim to see a couple off to my right and another photographer to the slight right. I decided to take my spot several feet from him and leave the couple to their romantic sunrise.
I walked right up to the edge and and immediately traded breathless for a second of vertigo. I don't know if it was my mind taking in the depths or if it was the low light but my introduction to Horseshoe Bend felt a little surreal. Goregeous and surreal. After the initial overwhelm mellowed out I started talking to the photographer beside me about lenses and travels and all sorts of stuff until the first light really took hold.
We chatted as the sun came up and we speculated on what the light might do. Maybe a few minutes into the sunrise a rainbow broke through to our left and slowly spanned the whole bend. To be at this place, so early in the morning, on this trip across the country, to move to a state I didn't really know anyone in... to be gifted with temperate weather and a canyon spanning rainbow? Spiritual, signs, serendipity or anything else, I was filled with feelings of grace, gratitude and awe. So many thank yous ran through my mind.
I have never felt more at peace than I did in those first moments of the sun coming up. Everything that I had been unsure felt right.
After the rainbow left, my new friend and I were joined by another solo photographer, (I was the only solo female I saw ever on my trip) who had a drone with a go pro connected to it. Photog number one left us and I went back to the edge while photog number two set the drone out for a little flight. We talked a little more, and as more people came to the edge everything got a little nosier. I couldn't believe it when I looked at the time and realized I had been there for over two hours. When I decided it was time to go, I said goodbye to my drone wielding new friend (his name is Todd and you can find his work at I Shoot America) and I walked back to the parking lot filled with joy.
The hype that surrounds the Grand Canyon as well as this place, Horseshoe Bend, cannot be denied. It's for a reason. No picture will ever be able to capture what it feels like to see this place with your own eyes. Not a single one. These pictures that I took, they look great, but they are a tiny, tiny margin of what it was really like to be there, the cannot convey the depths and the feelings that come with looking down over an unguarded edge. They don't stand a chance.
If you are questioning your faith in life, if you need to reconnect, if you just want to see something beautiful, I urge you to go to Horseshoe Bend. Go now. Get there just before sunrise when it's quiet and calm. Go when it's colder and not a tourist season, go to a spot that doesn't get talked about as much... just go. And then take it all in.
Up next: New Mexico to Oklahoma
xoxo
Words cannot adequately describe Horseshoe Canyon and my experience there in the early morning light but I'll do my best here.
The morning was chilly to say the least and there was a slight chance of rain but nothing I couldn't handle. I was ready to be soaked in my jeans, beanie, plaid shirt and hoodie if necessary. The walk to the edge wasn't difficult by any means but I think (hope) the altitude mixed with the sand made me a little breathless. Untrained lungs aside, I walked up to the rim to see a couple off to my right and another photographer to the slight right. I decided to take my spot several feet from him and leave the couple to their romantic sunrise.
I walked right up to the edge and and immediately traded breathless for a second of vertigo. I don't know if it was my mind taking in the depths or if it was the low light but my introduction to Horseshoe Bend felt a little surreal. Goregeous and surreal. After the initial overwhelm mellowed out I started talking to the photographer beside me about lenses and travels and all sorts of stuff until the first light really took hold.
We chatted as the sun came up and we speculated on what the light might do. Maybe a few minutes into the sunrise a rainbow broke through to our left and slowly spanned the whole bend. To be at this place, so early in the morning, on this trip across the country, to move to a state I didn't really know anyone in... to be gifted with temperate weather and a canyon spanning rainbow? Spiritual, signs, serendipity or anything else, I was filled with feelings of grace, gratitude and awe. So many thank yous ran through my mind.
I have never felt more at peace than I did in those first moments of the sun coming up. Everything that I had been unsure felt right.
After the rainbow left, my new friend and I were joined by another solo photographer, (I was the only solo female I saw ever on my trip) who had a drone with a go pro connected to it. Photog number one left us and I went back to the edge while photog number two set the drone out for a little flight. We talked a little more, and as more people came to the edge everything got a little nosier. I couldn't believe it when I looked at the time and realized I had been there for over two hours. When I decided it was time to go, I said goodbye to my drone wielding new friend (his name is Todd and you can find his work at I Shoot America) and I walked back to the parking lot filled with joy.
The hype that surrounds the Grand Canyon as well as this place, Horseshoe Bend, cannot be denied. It's for a reason. No picture will ever be able to capture what it feels like to see this place with your own eyes. Not a single one. These pictures that I took, they look great, but they are a tiny, tiny margin of what it was really like to be there, the cannot convey the depths and the feelings that come with looking down over an unguarded edge. They don't stand a chance.
If you are questioning your faith in life, if you need to reconnect, if you just want to see something beautiful, I urge you to go to Horseshoe Bend. Go now. Get there just before sunrise when it's quiet and calm. Go when it's colder and not a tourist season, go to a spot that doesn't get talked about as much... just go. And then take it all in.
Up next: New Mexico to Oklahoma
xoxo
Sunday, October 12, 2014
Roadtrip to Nashville: California to Arizona the Long Way
My road trip across the states started on a Saturday night. I left my home that I have lived in on and off since my freshman year of high school. I said goodbye with more than a few tears in my eyes and drove to my friend Rachael's house in San Bernardino. Not the longest part of my journey, but a little head start on the way to the Grand Canyon and a good way to get some time in with her before I moved east.
Sunday morning started bright and early, I drove by the Wigwam Motel but didn't really see a way to take a picture I wanted so I continued on. I made my way to a Starbucks to get some oatmeal and give myself a little plan for the day. I decided a stop near Alien Fresh Jerky was necessary as well as one at Buffalo Bills on the Nevada border.
Before I got to Alien Fresh Jerky in the small town of Baker I stopped at an abandoned gas station that I had visited almost exactly a year ago with Dan on the way back from the Marine Ball. Old habits, and feelings die hard I guess you could say. The place looked as it had a year before, but I wasn't inclined to explore as much on my own so I drove up a couple exits to Baker.
I think it's fair to say that the drives and stops from that gas station to Buffalo Bills were definitely in a tribute to or a processing of the time spent there and the adventures had with Dan. Another step of closure maybe. All I know is that I wasn't about to drive past the Lo-Gas, Royal Hawaiian and Alien Fresh Jerky or Buffalo Bills without stopping. The writing that we had found so interesting was still there though what had seemed like blood around the broken edges of the glass had since been cleaned way. The doors were also closed so I quickly took the "welcome to hell" picture and moved on.
It wasn't long before Primm was before me and I decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. Honestly, it wasn't as fun as I remembered it being as a kid, the thrashing gave me a bit of a headache but that could have been due to the fact that I was the only, single, solitary one in the cart. Live large my friends, ride a roller coaster by yourself and you'll too know that you are i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t. Wooo.
After the bumpy ride I treated myself to a few rounds of skee ball in the kiddie zone and then continued on to Vegas. I hadn't yet decided if I was going to stop and see the huge ferris wheel but when I got there and the traffic was awful I decided against it. I set my sights on Zion National Park.
I'm going to stop here for a second and say Utah is absolutely gorgeous. By this point, when I got to Zion I had driven in California, Nevada, a tiny corner of Arizona and then into Utah. Utah's red rock formations had me wide eyed for miles and miles. As a little hint, I was wide eyed the whole trip for different reasons in each state, but it started in Utah.
I went a long way off a path to get to this tiny driving view of Zion and I feel like a little more research could have taken me where I really wanted to go, but the view I did have was still absolutely beautiful. I'm squinting pretty heavily in the picture because the sun was setting slowly and shining brightly in my face, but I was determined to have that background.
I decided pretty fast that I wanted to get as close to my night time destination as I could before the sun set. I'm not really excited about night driving on road trips. I like to get to my destination before the sun sets not just for safety reasons, but also because I want to see anything and everything that I can.
Despite my wishes I ended up leaving Utah (excuse the welcome to part of the sign, I had missed the leaving one) right about sunset and still had a good couple of hours before I was going to make it to my hotel in Page, AZ. I did finally make it after a lot of cruise control and the same mix cd for hours and hours. I got to my hotel hungry and decided to go get some Denny's before getting to bed. The time change was throwing me a little bit because my phone said something different from my car and the clock in the hotel said something different than that. But I figured it all out and settled myself in to get enough sleep for an early morning and a destination I had been looking forward to for months.
Up Next: Horse Shoe Bend
xoxo
Sunday morning started bright and early, I drove by the Wigwam Motel but didn't really see a way to take a picture I wanted so I continued on. I made my way to a Starbucks to get some oatmeal and give myself a little plan for the day. I decided a stop near Alien Fresh Jerky was necessary as well as one at Buffalo Bills on the Nevada border.
Before I got to Alien Fresh Jerky in the small town of Baker I stopped at an abandoned gas station that I had visited almost exactly a year ago with Dan on the way back from the Marine Ball. Old habits, and feelings die hard I guess you could say. The place looked as it had a year before, but I wasn't inclined to explore as much on my own so I drove up a couple exits to Baker.
I think it's fair to say that the drives and stops from that gas station to Buffalo Bills were definitely in a tribute to or a processing of the time spent there and the adventures had with Dan. Another step of closure maybe. All I know is that I wasn't about to drive past the Lo-Gas, Royal Hawaiian and Alien Fresh Jerky or Buffalo Bills without stopping. The writing that we had found so interesting was still there though what had seemed like blood around the broken edges of the glass had since been cleaned way. The doors were also closed so I quickly took the "welcome to hell" picture and moved on.
It wasn't long before Primm was before me and I decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. Honestly, it wasn't as fun as I remembered it being as a kid, the thrashing gave me a bit of a headache but that could have been due to the fact that I was the only, single, solitary one in the cart. Live large my friends, ride a roller coaster by yourself and you'll too know that you are i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-n-t. Wooo.
After the bumpy ride I treated myself to a few rounds of skee ball in the kiddie zone and then continued on to Vegas. I hadn't yet decided if I was going to stop and see the huge ferris wheel but when I got there and the traffic was awful I decided against it. I set my sights on Zion National Park.
I'm going to stop here for a second and say Utah is absolutely gorgeous. By this point, when I got to Zion I had driven in California, Nevada, a tiny corner of Arizona and then into Utah. Utah's red rock formations had me wide eyed for miles and miles. As a little hint, I was wide eyed the whole trip for different reasons in each state, but it started in Utah.
I went a long way off a path to get to this tiny driving view of Zion and I feel like a little more research could have taken me where I really wanted to go, but the view I did have was still absolutely beautiful. I'm squinting pretty heavily in the picture because the sun was setting slowly and shining brightly in my face, but I was determined to have that background.
I decided pretty fast that I wanted to get as close to my night time destination as I could before the sun set. I'm not really excited about night driving on road trips. I like to get to my destination before the sun sets not just for safety reasons, but also because I want to see anything and everything that I can.
Despite my wishes I ended up leaving Utah (excuse the welcome to part of the sign, I had missed the leaving one) right about sunset and still had a good couple of hours before I was going to make it to my hotel in Page, AZ. I did finally make it after a lot of cruise control and the same mix cd for hours and hours. I got to my hotel hungry and decided to go get some Denny's before getting to bed. The time change was throwing me a little bit because my phone said something different from my car and the clock in the hotel said something different than that. But I figured it all out and settled myself in to get enough sleep for an early morning and a destination I had been looking forward to for months.
Up Next: Horse Shoe Bend
xoxo
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
The Beginning of Life in Nashville
Hey ya'll,
I'm here in my new home of Nashville, Tennessee happy as can be. Evidence? See above photo taken by a new friend of mine @Mrciaramitaro. Perfect no? So much so that it's also the picture for my about page. Well, life has been a wonderful whirlwind since the night I drove from Encinitas to San Bernardino to start my journey East. My five days on the road were filled with absolutely gorgeous scenes for miles and miles, hours and hours. I wanted to get off at just about every exit across the tip top of Texas to see all the abandoned gas stations. I didn't find myself tiring of it much until the sun went down.
The trip had so many wonderful moments and a couple of really happy tears but I'll be writing about that a little later. When I got into town I immediately found myself at a Target getting an airbed and some snacks. My roommate wasn't off of work yet so I browsed the aisles and dreamed of the room and eventually house I would be able to decorate. Friday I applied to a job online and Saturday during an Instameet (another thing I'll be writing about soon) I received an email back to schedule an interview. How do you like them apples?! Spoiler alert, I didn't get the job, BUT, I did write one of the best cover letters I've ever written before and I started off my job hunt on the absolute right foot.
Through that instameet I made friends (awesome) and got hooked back into photography all over again. Well... I guess the road trip really hooked me back in but the conversations I had during the instameet locked it. I am as curious as ever and ready to learn. Because I live so close to a city center now, there are a whole bunch of resources at my fingertips. Really stoked.
The past week (as of tomorrow) has been all about getting situated and learning about my new home. I will probably say this a bajillion times over the next few days or months or what have you: I am so. incredibly. excited. to be here. Over the moon. Ready to invest and work towards this life that I have been dreaming of.
Also, ready for Fall and sweaters.
And some sweet tea.
xoxo
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Onward
Currently in the middle of my drive across the states to my new home. I'm in awe constantly as I drive through these wide open spaces that make up the fly over states. Nothing short of incredible.
xoxo
Thursday, September 18, 2014
Portland Love: Three Years Gone and It Was Like I Never Left
For some reason I thought I had already posted about Portland. Turns out that I looked at some pictures, didn't edit them, and then completely spaced on it up until now. My trip to Portland was phenominal. The trip was absolutely everything I wanted it to be and more. Portland delivered in the best of ways.
While in Portland I:
- Got to meet up with two gorgeously amazing and wonderful women that I had been conversing with through blogs and instagram. Kara and Mei are doing great things in the world and I highly suggest you look them up.
- Had my friend Lisa add to my arm. I am so frickin proud of this girl, I've known her for many years now and I've seen her decide she wants things and just powerhouse to them. Such an inspiration that girl. If you are in the Portland area and are looking for traditional tattoos hit her up at Jackalope Tattoo!
-Talk about women doing great things, I think that's what this trip was all about! Nicole, one of my besets friends, has had her shop, Victory for about three years now and I finally got to see it. Great vibe, lovely clothes, styled out like a boss. (Her shop is fourth row down, she is 6th row giving the double peace sign at the coast)
- Nicole and I took a day trip to the coast. It was the weekend so it was quite busy, but I love me a good coast view so it was worth it. I rented a car for the occasion and the guy gave me a Cadillac SUV for the price of the compact. Were we stoked? Heck yes! Did we listen to Mariah Carey and other wonderful music on the way? Of course. We also tried desperately to find a path down to the shore but I think we went the wrong way and had the wrong shoes. Maybe next time.
- Nicole also took me to my very first Timbers match. Holy goodness it was soooo much fun. We won, which was so great because the person next to me helped with the dances and chants and the guys on our other side kept requesting kisses on the cheek when a goal was scored. I started to understand why people get so into sports. I'm not about to go picking my teams and spending lots of time with it myself, but I get it. There's definitely a sense of community.
- Ate at Mio Sushi, Nicholas Restaurant and of frickin course Voodoo Donut. I recommend all three definitely. My favorite Mio Sushi is on Hawthorne, my favorite Nicholas's is on Grand, but the one on Broadway is good too, and if you are going to Voodoo Donut I highly suggest getting on the 20 bus over the bridge to the East Side. The downtown Voodoo almost always except for the wee morning hours has a long, long line. I think the other one only has super long lines on the weekend.
- Walked around my old neighborhoods. It was really hot and muggy while I was there which wasn't ideal, but I did get to see everywhere that I use to spend a lot of time. I definitely miss it. Years from now I might just find myself back in the Pacific Northwest. A part of my heart is still there without a doubt.
- I got to dance at Dante's Sinferno as a go-go. I use to do this every couple of Sundays and I had so much fun. It was like getting paid to dance at a club AND see awesome and sometimes strange performances. The show is definitely not for everybody, it can get pretty crass and sometimes lewd, but the talent up on stage is undeniable. Contortionists that balance on their hands and shoot a toy boy and arrow over their head with their feet and hit the target?! Aerial artists on lyra and on silks, funny magicians and of course, the go-gos. It was really by chance that I got to do it, the Portland Gods were definitely smiling down on me this trip.
- And of course no Portland vacation would be complete without a visit to the Downtown Powells followed by some time in the photobooth in the Ace Hotel lobby.
Portland, you have a big part of my heart. I don't plan on staying away for so long ever again.
xoxo
While in Portland I:
- Got to meet up with two gorgeously amazing and wonderful women that I had been conversing with through blogs and instagram. Kara and Mei are doing great things in the world and I highly suggest you look them up.
- Had my friend Lisa add to my arm. I am so frickin proud of this girl, I've known her for many years now and I've seen her decide she wants things and just powerhouse to them. Such an inspiration that girl. If you are in the Portland area and are looking for traditional tattoos hit her up at Jackalope Tattoo!
-Talk about women doing great things, I think that's what this trip was all about! Nicole, one of my besets friends, has had her shop, Victory for about three years now and I finally got to see it. Great vibe, lovely clothes, styled out like a boss. (Her shop is fourth row down, she is 6th row giving the double peace sign at the coast)
- Nicole and I took a day trip to the coast. It was the weekend so it was quite busy, but I love me a good coast view so it was worth it. I rented a car for the occasion and the guy gave me a Cadillac SUV for the price of the compact. Were we stoked? Heck yes! Did we listen to Mariah Carey and other wonderful music on the way? Of course. We also tried desperately to find a path down to the shore but I think we went the wrong way and had the wrong shoes. Maybe next time.
- Nicole also took me to my very first Timbers match. Holy goodness it was soooo much fun. We won, which was so great because the person next to me helped with the dances and chants and the guys on our other side kept requesting kisses on the cheek when a goal was scored. I started to understand why people get so into sports. I'm not about to go picking my teams and spending lots of time with it myself, but I get it. There's definitely a sense of community.
- Ate at Mio Sushi, Nicholas Restaurant and of frickin course Voodoo Donut. I recommend all three definitely. My favorite Mio Sushi is on Hawthorne, my favorite Nicholas's is on Grand, but the one on Broadway is good too, and if you are going to Voodoo Donut I highly suggest getting on the 20 bus over the bridge to the East Side. The downtown Voodoo almost always except for the wee morning hours has a long, long line. I think the other one only has super long lines on the weekend.
- Walked around my old neighborhoods. It was really hot and muggy while I was there which wasn't ideal, but I did get to see everywhere that I use to spend a lot of time. I definitely miss it. Years from now I might just find myself back in the Pacific Northwest. A part of my heart is still there without a doubt.
- I got to dance at Dante's Sinferno as a go-go. I use to do this every couple of Sundays and I had so much fun. It was like getting paid to dance at a club AND see awesome and sometimes strange performances. The show is definitely not for everybody, it can get pretty crass and sometimes lewd, but the talent up on stage is undeniable. Contortionists that balance on their hands and shoot a toy boy and arrow over their head with their feet and hit the target?! Aerial artists on lyra and on silks, funny magicians and of course, the go-gos. It was really by chance that I got to do it, the Portland Gods were definitely smiling down on me this trip.
- And of course no Portland vacation would be complete without a visit to the Downtown Powells followed by some time in the photobooth in the Ace Hotel lobby.
Portland, you have a big part of my heart. I don't plan on staying away for so long ever again.
xoxo
Lately
Lately I've been...
Proud of: My mornings!!! I have been waking up at 6:00am or even 5:45am now for a couple weeks and I love, love, love it. I am no longer such a night owl, I am learning to put down a book when my eyes start getting heavy at night (something I use to fight through). I have been getting close to bed around 9 and then I'm usually close to sleep by 10 or 10:30. It's crazy! And even crazier is that I love it. Back to my early bird roots!
Reading:
The Miracle Morning - Hal Elrod
Bird by Bird - Anne Lamot (re-reading and loving)
Do Cool Shit - Miki Agrawal
The Circle - Dave Eggers
Cooking: Black Bean Hummus, Pita Bread, Skillet Brownies, nutella cinnamon rolls, lots of no knead bread, and unintentionally overcooked chicken
Watching: Orphan Black and Revenge. I went through two seasons of Orphan Black in about a week. Nothing but good things to say about that show. Love the characters, the plot, the twists. Really excited for the third season.
Revenge I started this past week because I am house sitting and the parentals have Netflix all hooked up to their awesome and huge tv. Revenge sucked me in for sure. I am almost completely done with the first season and I'm starting to get less into it but we'll see. Something to watch while I'm working on blankets this fall no doubt.
Working on: My black white and gold granny square blanket. Also have another blanket idea in my mind that I cannot stop thinking about but I promised myself I would at least make the b/w/g a throw size before I start working on the other one. I'm pretty close!
Also working on my resume as I am job hunting in Nashville!
Listening to:
Shake It Off - Taylor Swift (love love love this girl, duh)
Crazier - Taylor Swift, just found this yesterday on Desert Darling
Bartender - Lady Antebellum
Mumford and Sons (all)
Looking forward to: My almost cross country drive to my new state!!! I have some stops planned along the way and I am so very excited!
Proud of: My mornings!!! I have been waking up at 6:00am or even 5:45am now for a couple weeks and I love, love, love it. I am no longer such a night owl, I am learning to put down a book when my eyes start getting heavy at night (something I use to fight through). I have been getting close to bed around 9 and then I'm usually close to sleep by 10 or 10:30. It's crazy! And even crazier is that I love it. Back to my early bird roots!
Reading:
The Miracle Morning - Hal Elrod
Bird by Bird - Anne Lamot (re-reading and loving)
Do Cool Shit - Miki Agrawal
The Circle - Dave Eggers
Cooking: Black Bean Hummus, Pita Bread, Skillet Brownies, nutella cinnamon rolls, lots of no knead bread, and unintentionally overcooked chicken
Watching: Orphan Black and Revenge. I went through two seasons of Orphan Black in about a week. Nothing but good things to say about that show. Love the characters, the plot, the twists. Really excited for the third season.
Revenge I started this past week because I am house sitting and the parentals have Netflix all hooked up to their awesome and huge tv. Revenge sucked me in for sure. I am almost completely done with the first season and I'm starting to get less into it but we'll see. Something to watch while I'm working on blankets this fall no doubt.
Working on: My black white and gold granny square blanket. Also have another blanket idea in my mind that I cannot stop thinking about but I promised myself I would at least make the b/w/g a throw size before I start working on the other one. I'm pretty close!
Also working on my resume as I am job hunting in Nashville!
Listening to:
Shake It Off - Taylor Swift (love love love this girl, duh)
Crazier - Taylor Swift, just found this yesterday on Desert Darling
Bartender - Lady Antebellum
Mumford and Sons (all)
Looking forward to: My almost cross country drive to my new state!!! I have some stops planned along the way and I am so very excited!
xoxo
Monday, September 8, 2014
Big News!!! I'm Moving To Nashville!!!
It is official, I found a place, put in notice at work, parents have been notified...
It's still doesn't feel quite real. I've packed almost everything up because I'm staying at my parents house until it's time to go. My walls here are now bare, everything is packed into a couple bins and suitcases and smaller plastic tubs. I will soon be test running the space I have in my car with the amount of stuff I think I am taking. I'm hoping it will be adequate.
Truth be told, I'm nervous. But I'm also so excited for all the place I get to see and explore. So many states so close together. A new part of the U.S. I dream about this kind of thing often. It's funny how when you get closer to something you have dreamed about it starts to scare you. But I've learned many times in the past that if I'm nervous it's because I'm testing my boundaries, and that's where my growth happens.
Here's to a new adventure. I'm ready, it's time.
I, Corey, am moving to Nashville, Tennessee!!!
Truth be told, I'm nervous. But I'm also so excited for all the place I get to see and explore. So many states so close together. A new part of the U.S. I dream about this kind of thing often. It's funny how when you get closer to something you have dreamed about it starts to scare you. But I've learned many times in the past that if I'm nervous it's because I'm testing my boundaries, and that's where my growth happens.
Here's to a new adventure. I'm ready, it's time.
xoxo
Friday, August 8, 2014
Lately
Reading: Just finished Year of No Sugar which definitely blew my mind and started worrying me. I am a sugar-a-holic and even on days I think I don't eat that much turns out I do. Because it's in everything. Time to start making my own bread I think. No sugar needed in homemade bread. I have a couple other books checked out from the library but I'm not sure what is next. Going to scale back heavily on anything self improvement oriented as I am no longer using it for good, just as more ammunition against myself as examples of what else I could be doing better. Fiction and memoirs please.
Watching: Pretty Little Liars, every Tuesday. I'm sure I've said it before, at least on FB... I am addicted to this show, but I wonder, every single episode, why these girls keep going into dark houses and forests by themselves when people are getting killed. Seriously ladies. AND, just go tell the police. My friend did remind me the police are not fully trustworthy, but still. So many more issues than necessary. I started following Troian Bellisario on instagram because on her free time she trains in silks. Rad, rad, rad. At the same studio she also trains in self defense and it makes me want to go to the studio and train too. Thinking about starting Orphan Black or Masters of Sex. Watched the Pilot of Masters and loved it. But couldn't find the second episode for free.
Saw: Wish I Was Here. Loved it. Not surprised.
Listening/Dancing/Singing in the car to:I want u - Alison Wonderland
Adrenalize - In This Moment
Dust - Eli Young Band
Crazy Town - Jason Aldean (foreshadowing here)
Young In America - Danielle Bradberry
Partition - Beyonce
Bend Ova - Lil Jon
Stressing about: My life a month from now. Big changes underway (see foreshadow for clue). Very, nervous. I want to push the nervousness to the side and be excited. Working on that.
Excited for: Portland this weekend!!! Going to go see the Oregon coast FINALLY. Lived there about 3 years total and never went to see the coast. Unacceptable! Also excited for seeing best friends, getting a cupcake from Saint Cupcake, getting tattooed from my friend Lisa who just got her license!!!!, getting a donut from Voodoo, going to Sinferno, and being back among the trees.
xoxo
Sunday, June 15, 2014
Life Lately - A Breakup
Life's been a crazy, crazy mix of emotions lately. Like heartbreak city and excitement over the future while wondering about each feeling and processing and planning and worrying. Always a little worry.
Leaving Austin was the hardest thing to do. I left there ending a relationship that has been the focus of my life for the past 9+ months. I didn't know if I wanted to post anything about it here but this is a documentation of my life and my thoughts and the things I find online so it seems a little inappropriate not to.
The first week was hard then easy, the second week was confusing and started easy but ended hard and sad. I feel like a few more weeks here on out will be filled with the same. I'm the kind of person that moves on to the next thing super fast. I don't mean the next person, that's never fast, I mean, the next thing, the next thing that's going to make me feel giddy or hopeful or in some way happy. Thinking about the end of a relationship was not something that was leaving me with hope and I did't mean to but I sought distractions. Books, new computer, planning what's next. I'm doing my best to grieve too. I know grieving is very very important. Grieve what is lost. We're still talking but obviously it's hard. I don't want to be in Austin, even if I would love to visit again in the far future. I want to be in Nashville. My head was screaming "What about Nashville" the whole time I was in Austin.
That didn't leave room for giving Austin a fair chance. It didn't leave room for an actual vacation, I came home far more worn out than I had been on the flight there. But questions were answered. Questions that I didn't want to ask, questions that he didn't want to ask, questions that we all try to avoid until our body or mind or tear ducts just won't let us ignore them anymore.
Something is calling me to Nashville. I couldn't even begin to tell you what exactly it is. I can't guarantee I'll find what I am searching for when I get there. But I HAVE to go. I was at a crossroad of Should and Have and my body, my mind picked Have. I should have stayed there, I should have made it work somehow, I should have found a way to fall head over heals for Austin. Maybe. Who knows. But that's what it felt like. I felt like my heart was being ripped as my plane took off back to California. I cried even though there were people in the seats next to me. I tried to keep it as quiet as I could but my nose gets stuffed up and I start sniffling pretty fast into the waterworks. I am trying not to tear up about it now.
I know now better than ever what people mean when they say dreams take sacrifice. That you're going to have to give up a lot of good and great to get blow your mind, out of this world, right. I know what they mean when they say we have to do things we don't want to do. Like say goodbye. Not to the person forever but to that time you had, those months, those eternities of smiles and hand kisses and adventures and waking up and not knowing what to do on weekends. I never knew before because I didn't let myself get close to that kind of emotional investment. I regret none of it. I cherish all of it.
The future is going to have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Until then I'm here, heavy and light.
Leaving Austin was the hardest thing to do. I left there ending a relationship that has been the focus of my life for the past 9+ months. I didn't know if I wanted to post anything about it here but this is a documentation of my life and my thoughts and the things I find online so it seems a little inappropriate not to.
The first week was hard then easy, the second week was confusing and started easy but ended hard and sad. I feel like a few more weeks here on out will be filled with the same. I'm the kind of person that moves on to the next thing super fast. I don't mean the next person, that's never fast, I mean, the next thing, the next thing that's going to make me feel giddy or hopeful or in some way happy. Thinking about the end of a relationship was not something that was leaving me with hope and I did't mean to but I sought distractions. Books, new computer, planning what's next. I'm doing my best to grieve too. I know grieving is very very important. Grieve what is lost. We're still talking but obviously it's hard. I don't want to be in Austin, even if I would love to visit again in the far future. I want to be in Nashville. My head was screaming "What about Nashville" the whole time I was in Austin.
That didn't leave room for giving Austin a fair chance. It didn't leave room for an actual vacation, I came home far more worn out than I had been on the flight there. But questions were answered. Questions that I didn't want to ask, questions that he didn't want to ask, questions that we all try to avoid until our body or mind or tear ducts just won't let us ignore them anymore.
Something is calling me to Nashville. I couldn't even begin to tell you what exactly it is. I can't guarantee I'll find what I am searching for when I get there. But I HAVE to go. I was at a crossroad of Should and Have and my body, my mind picked Have. I should have stayed there, I should have made it work somehow, I should have found a way to fall head over heals for Austin. Maybe. Who knows. But that's what it felt like. I felt like my heart was being ripped as my plane took off back to California. I cried even though there were people in the seats next to me. I tried to keep it as quiet as I could but my nose gets stuffed up and I start sniffling pretty fast into the waterworks. I am trying not to tear up about it now.
I know now better than ever what people mean when they say dreams take sacrifice. That you're going to have to give up a lot of good and great to get blow your mind, out of this world, right. I know what they mean when they say we have to do things we don't want to do. Like say goodbye. Not to the person forever but to that time you had, those months, those eternities of smiles and hand kisses and adventures and waking up and not knowing what to do on weekends. I never knew before because I didn't let myself get close to that kind of emotional investment. I regret none of it. I cherish all of it.
The future is going to have some pretty big shoes to fill.
Until then I'm here, heavy and light.
xoxo
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Before the Jump
I can feel it. I'm sitting on the edge of something new. I know it's time to move forward, but I'm still finding the path. I've been working hard these past couple of years. Working hard to make improvements to the little things, the little things that make up the big things. I've been staying put so as not to run away.
I promised myself that the next time I went somewhere new, I would be running toward something instead of away.
I've been reading a lot of books, and one of them had me facing some interesting questions. Questions like: What is your Prince Charming? What are you looking to be saved by? The exercise is to see what you've been waiting for this whole time, what you just really hope will come and save you, the thing or person or idea that will make your life peaches and cream, sinfully delicious with no retribution. That Prince Charming, it's been outed so it can be acknowledged. Not judged, just seen. Then once you've taken a long look at this supposed Prince, start teaching yourself the truth: you are your own Prince Charming. It's going to have to be you.
My Prince Charming? Probably the open road. Or epiphanies. I am a fool in love (or maybe lust) for the idea of epiphanies. Something that sticks, something that clicks in an instant and it stays more powerful than the habits and the thoughts that you have been cultivating and practicing for years and years.
Epiphanies aren't going to save me. And now that I think about it, who says I need saving?
I don't need to be saved. Yes, I'm often frustrated, yes I could grow more in certain aspects of my life, yes I could be making more money, seeing more places, posting more to the blog, etc. But does that mean I need saving? Absolutely not, I'm not so bad off.
I have a roof over my head, clothes to keep warm, a fan to cool off, a computer to type, explore and learn, cameras to capture beauty. I have family, and friends. I have my significant other that loves me for exactly what I am, right now. Without even trying, he's teaching me to love that too. Me as I am. Right here. Right now.
So where am I going? What am I on the edge of? I'm not sure yet. I know it's something great though. Something bigger than I've done before, maybe by a lot, maybe by a little. Time will tell. It's going to have some rough spots, all great things do.
But I don't and won't need to be saved.
And I'll be running at it, instead of away.
I promised myself that the next time I went somewhere new, I would be running toward something instead of away.
I've been reading a lot of books, and one of them had me facing some interesting questions. Questions like: What is your Prince Charming? What are you looking to be saved by? The exercise is to see what you've been waiting for this whole time, what you just really hope will come and save you, the thing or person or idea that will make your life peaches and cream, sinfully delicious with no retribution. That Prince Charming, it's been outed so it can be acknowledged. Not judged, just seen. Then once you've taken a long look at this supposed Prince, start teaching yourself the truth: you are your own Prince Charming. It's going to have to be you.
My Prince Charming? Probably the open road. Or epiphanies. I am a fool in love (or maybe lust) for the idea of epiphanies. Something that sticks, something that clicks in an instant and it stays more powerful than the habits and the thoughts that you have been cultivating and practicing for years and years.
Epiphanies aren't going to save me. And now that I think about it, who says I need saving?
I don't need to be saved. Yes, I'm often frustrated, yes I could grow more in certain aspects of my life, yes I could be making more money, seeing more places, posting more to the blog, etc. But does that mean I need saving? Absolutely not, I'm not so bad off.
I have a roof over my head, clothes to keep warm, a fan to cool off, a computer to type, explore and learn, cameras to capture beauty. I have family, and friends. I have my significant other that loves me for exactly what I am, right now. Without even trying, he's teaching me to love that too. Me as I am. Right here. Right now.
So where am I going? What am I on the edge of? I'm not sure yet. I know it's something great though. Something bigger than I've done before, maybe by a lot, maybe by a little. Time will tell. It's going to have some rough spots, all great things do.
But I don't and won't need to be saved.
And I'll be running at it, instead of away.
xoxo
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Currently
Thinking about:So many things, all the time. So many things. Like resumes and salary requirements and saving and paying off debt and travel and airline miles and missing my dear boyfriend terribly, and booty bounce classes and how the heck I'm going to have enough material to fill another hour. And my sore muscles from my splits workshop class and oversplits and blogging and what books to read next.
This is nothing new, I have a lot more than this going on inside my head most days.
This is nothing new, I have a lot more than this going on inside my head most days.
Feeling:Right this moment I am feeling open and positive. We had a good lunch meeting for work recently which made me feel a bit better about my position and what I bring to the table.
I'm feeling intense anticipation for my trip to Austin, TX. Not only will I be reunited with the man, I will also be exploring the heck out of a new city!!! Get this, they have a skeeball league in Austin. It already has a little piece of my heart.
Proud of my sister who graduated on Saturday from NAU. It's so crazy that we're already here that I've been out of college for 5 years now. FIVE! But back to her, she is on her path to success, there's absolutely no other option for her, it's how she's wired. I definitely look up to her for that.
Watching:
The last season of Friday Night Lights. I binged watched Season 3 of girls the weekend before this last one. I will be watching The Katy Perry movie eventually.
Love and sometimes watch The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.
Missing Pretty Little Liars terribly.
Staying up to date (for the most part) with Nashville and Game of Thrones.
I haven't watched this many tv shows/movies since possibly before high school. But generally it's in the binge watch fashion.
Realizing:
So many good things about myself and my future and the stories I've been telling myself about myself and my past. Sounds a little redundant doesn't it. Been putting the self improvement books and articles to work, been keeping a list of things I value about myself in hopes to use the new confidence and appreciation to go out there and take on this world. I've laid low for far too long. It's time to really see what I can do.
So many good things about myself and my future and the stories I've been telling myself about myself and my past. Sounds a little redundant doesn't it. Been putting the self improvement books and articles to work, been keeping a list of things I value about myself in hopes to use the new confidence and appreciation to go out there and take on this world. I've laid low for far too long. It's time to really see what I can do.
Looking for:
Adventure. Small and large. A trip to Santa Barbara to visit a friend maybe, or one to Los Angeles for a flea market. My adventure to Austin, TX at the end of the month!!! And whatever else this year holds.
Adventure. Small and large. A trip to Santa Barbara to visit a friend maybe, or one to Los Angeles for a flea market. My adventure to Austin, TX at the end of the month!!! And whatever else this year holds.
Reading:
45 Pep Talks by Kara Haupt
#Girlboss - Sophia Amoruso
I Shouldn't Be Telling You This - Kate White
I Shouldn't Be Telling You This - Kate White
Eating/Cooking:
My new favorite dish is a combination of brown rice, sweet potato chunks, avocado, black beans or chick peas and spicy peanut sauce. I've made it for my dinner/next day's lunch three weeks in a row now. Basically the only cooking I've done in a long time.
My new favorite dish is a combination of brown rice, sweet potato chunks, avocado, black beans or chick peas and spicy peanut sauce. I've made it for my dinner/next day's lunch three weeks in a row now. Basically the only cooking I've done in a long time.
Working on:
My resume. No matter what is in the future, a good resume is a great tool to have. After reading so many things on career blogs and in the two books mentioned above I feel it's time to step up my game. Not just for my future, but also to have something to come back to when I'm feeling a little rough. Something that reminds me of where I've been and where I would like to go.
xoxo
Thursday, May 1, 2014
My Mission Statement - A Rough Draft
I've been flirting with mission statements lately. I've researched how to write them and what to write in them. I've looked at others and take bits and pieces. I've cried and shut down, I've written for pages and pages. I worked through a Mission Statement generator and didn't like the outcome, it seemed to square, too boxed in, chewed up and spit out.
I wrote notes about what a mission statement should have and the page with those notes found a home under a little cabinet I have by my bed. Not on purpose, but that's how things go sometimes.
I wrote myself a list of things I could do to get through the days until Dan and I adventure again. Yay for an Austin, Texas visit, and one of them was MISSION STATEMENT, written just like that. Caps, caps, caps.
I have been working my way through different worksheets that go along with Money: A Love Story and I think it's no coincidence the things I've been able to work through and the clarity I'm starting to find. In the past couple of days I've made realization after realization (and also had realization hang overs) and when I found that sheet of paper, hidden under the little cabinet, I sat down and decided it was time for another draft.
Instead of formulas, numbers and goals I have feelings. I wrote what made my heart feel free. I don't think it's done yet, I want to make it read pretty, but done is better than perfect, and a rough draft is better than none.
So here it is. I will read it daily, maybe even write it in the morning, and I'll see if anything changes, expands or simplifies. One day maybe I'll have a finished one, but until then I want to live by this. One day at a time.
It is my mission to:
I wrote notes about what a mission statement should have and the page with those notes found a home under a little cabinet I have by my bed. Not on purpose, but that's how things go sometimes.
I wrote myself a list of things I could do to get through the days until Dan and I adventure again. Yay for an Austin, Texas visit, and one of them was MISSION STATEMENT, written just like that. Caps, caps, caps.
I have been working my way through different worksheets that go along with Money: A Love Story and I think it's no coincidence the things I've been able to work through and the clarity I'm starting to find. In the past couple of days I've made realization after realization (and also had realization hang overs) and when I found that sheet of paper, hidden under the little cabinet, I sat down and decided it was time for another draft.
Instead of formulas, numbers and goals I have feelings. I wrote what made my heart feel free. I don't think it's done yet, I want to make it read pretty, but done is better than perfect, and a rough draft is better than none.
So here it is. I will read it daily, maybe even write it in the morning, and I'll see if anything changes, expands or simplifies. One day maybe I'll have a finished one, but until then I want to live by this. One day at a time.
It is my mission to:
Go on adventures large and small. Celebrate as often as possible. Love with an open heart. Take risks that make me feel alive. Phase out what makes me feel small. Sleep well, sweat often and eat food that makes me feel good whether it’s salad, steak or a donut. Dance. Build lasting relationships, waste no time on frivolous ones. Practice gratitude daily. Savor. Laugh freely. Get sand in my shoes and crumbs in my car. Whisper many “I love you’s” and act on many more. Be a mirror of other people’s potential, not what I perceive to be their faults. Explore that which excites me no matter how silly and no matter how bad I might be at it. Embrace the beginner’s mentality. Be authentic and unapologetic about who I am, what I love, and where I am going. No comparisons needed, I am enough. Not a problem to fix, not defective. Luminous.
xoxo
Tuesday, April 8, 2014
Quarterly Review
What went really well?
Romantic: My relationship with Dan grew leaps and bounds in the past three months. We were always good, but we're getting even better with time. I have been humbled more than once, learning that my communication skills aren't always as good as I would like to think. But that is a positive, because I can work on it. And I have more control than I think, of my perspective that is.
Fitness and health: I've started experimenting with different yoga classes, Dan and I have been hiking on and off, I signed up for a gym membership and have been going at least once a week, I've been cooking more for my lunches, I restarted my habit of breakfast... started and have stuck with a flossing habit which has been a little thing on my mind for years now.
Hobbies: I've made progress on my black, white and gold blanket. I bought a bigger instax (again) and started taking instant pictures again. I was feeling cramped with the mini and my bank felt broken by impossible film/polaroid. So the instax wide has worked out. I have been staying on my pictures, keeping them organized in my iphoto, being vigilant about deleting unnecessary ones.
Misc: I started giving private booty bounce lessons to a friend that I met through the pole studio I've been going to off and on for a few years now. Because of this, I now have a booty bounce 4 week workshop that I'm going to be teaching at the studio! I'm so excited to bring the power of jiggle and loving what is to my friends and some new girls. It's not Miley twerking nonsense, it's booty bounce and it's a whole lot of fun. Really, really excited for that.
My birthday! I've been wanting to plan a getaway for my birthday for YEARS and it worked out! Stoked.
What was challenging?
Figuring out what to work on and realizing that good things have happened this past three months. I often feel like I am stagnant, that nothing new is happening, that I'm not doing enough, I'm lazy, boring, unmotivated etc, etc, thank you insecurites. But that's no true. In fact, just about none of it is true. Maybe the not doing enough is true, but if I had a direction mapped out I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be the case anymore. The fact of the matter is, I'm not lazy, I wake up pretty early compared to what I use to (SUCCESS, goal met) and I start doing things, they might end up being a lot of chores that don't have long term affects, BUT, I am doing things. So, the habit won't have to be switched from doing nothing to doing something, I will just have to switch out some errands and replace them with some tasks that really get me where I want to be going. Challenge? Figuring out where exactly I want to be going, because I want to be going to a lot of places and doing a lot of things.
My other challenge, putting 40+ hours of time into something that doesn't do anything for my life goals. I know I don't have them exactly pinned down yet, but they are feelings, and this isn't at any point feeling like I'm spending the time in a productive way. Work takes up at least a quarter of our week... I want that quarter to be meaningful. Definitely the goal I need to be focusing on. Hard.
What were the biggest lessons I learned?
The biggest lessons I am just starting to learn. The first is to really enjoy it, and write it down. I get so caught up in what I am not doing that I don't celebrate what I do. It's time to celebrate, big and small. Maybe then I'll be even more inclined to accomplish the next steps, or even bigger goals. Or, the best part, enjoy this life.
The second lesson is to focus. I am just starting on this. I know that I need to focus, because it's hard to keep track of the baby steps I'm making in all different directions. My head feels like it's spinning quite frequently when I get excited about things. I think the hardest part of focusing on things to me is what to focus on. What's the correct thing, what's the habit that will positively affect everything else? Do I stop doing everything else until I get that habit? Does it depend on the size of the habit? Does everything else have to go? Do I focus on the blog, my blanket, finding a job, etc etc etc. But if I focus on the blog will I even have things to post about if I don't get out or make that blanket. I think a lot, it could be said I think too much. Maybe I'll find a way to make that work for me in the future.
What are my favorite memories?
- Valentine's Day
- Booty Bounce competition at Dollhouse (I miss being a go-go)
- Birthday in Palm Springs, going to Calico Mining Town and Pioneer Town with Dan, sitting by the pool, driving through the mountains, walking through the grounds of The Ace, trying to walk the grounds of other hotels but getting deterred by the valets
- Birthday in general, dinner with each family, work lunch, going to the shooting range with my dad, soaking it all in. good vibes.
- Giving private dance instructions, for booty bounce no less. Over the moon about that.
- Santa Monica Pier with Dan. Best date ever and it wasn't even meant to be a date. I was wearing my favorite outfit, we laughed in the photobooth, played a tiny bit of skee ball and I got a churro. Magic. That night was magic.
Was I honoring my values/ ways of being? How? What might have been lacking?
When I talk to my friends that are going through a hard time or are trying to figure out what direction they want to take next or if the one they are currently on is the right one I talk a lot about trusting the universe and working hard. I haven't been connecting to that trust lately. That could be part of the reason that I haven't felt the joy as deep, it could be why I focus on what I'm not doing instead of what I am... I'm not sure, I just know that I need to connect back into that faith, that trust as much as possible, and to also work hard. To believe that these dreams of mine are fully possible and to take any and all steps to get there. To dream a little bigger, to take up more room, to be strong. I want to connect back into that, the feeling of faith and strength. The gym and exercise is helping me with strength and the connection... well, I've started writing gratitude down in a journal with my goals and daily delights. I want to remember in a positive way.
I was a bit tense when I started my quarterly review but I was happily surprised with what I found in it. It also helped me so much with what I want from this next quarter. But more on that next post.
xoxo
Quarterly review questions from Stratejoy How to Conduct a Personal Quarterly Review
Monday, April 7, 2014
March In Review
March, oh March. You were beautiful and magically as I love my birthday month to be. So many feelings, mostly really good, some "what in the heck am I going to do." Okay, fine, a lot of the latter as well. Great memories though, and some space for growth.
I read:
- 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam (2nd reading)
- The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion
- Escape from Cubicle Nation by Pamela Slim (welll... I finally finished the last chapter)
- A couple chapters from I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi
- The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
- Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist
- Show Your Work by Austin Kleon
My favorites of those listed above:
- 168 Hours
- The Power of Habit
- Show Your Work
I watched:
- Pretty Little Liars /// ughhh Season Finale how you get me every time!
- Friday Night Lights /// I watched maybe one Episode
- DIVERGENT /// I liked it a lot. I can see how the hardcore book fans would have some problems but I still loved this movie. Love. Four, good lord.
- The Grand Hotel Budapest /// Wes Anderson never disappoints. I didn't know it was one of his walking in but as soon as it started I knew, and it felt like home.
Tried new things:
- Aerial yoga
- Yoga 101 at Black Sheep in Oceanside
- Had almond butter for the first time
Dan and I adventured to:
- Palm Springs!
- Calico Ghost Town
- Pioneer Town
- Elfin Forrest
- Bayside and Four Year Strong show at House of Blues
I treated myself to:
- Palm Springs birthday trip
- some other things I'm sure
March was a pretty magical month. I'mhoping working on making April even better.
I read:
- 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam (2nd reading)
- The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion
- Escape from Cubicle Nation by Pamela Slim (welll... I finally finished the last chapter)
- A couple chapters from I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi
- The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
- Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist
- Show Your Work by Austin Kleon
My favorites of those listed above:
- 168 Hours
- The Power of Habit
- Show Your Work
I watched:
- Pretty Little Liars /// ughhh Season Finale how you get me every time!
- Friday Night Lights /// I watched maybe one Episode
- DIVERGENT /// I liked it a lot. I can see how the hardcore book fans would have some problems but I still loved this movie. Love. Four, good lord.
- The Grand Hotel Budapest /// Wes Anderson never disappoints. I didn't know it was one of his walking in but as soon as it started I knew, and it felt like home.
Tried new things:
- Aerial yoga
- Yoga 101 at Black Sheep in Oceanside
- Had almond butter for the first time
Dan and I adventured to:
- Palm Springs!
- Calico Ghost Town
- Pioneer Town
- Elfin Forrest
- Bayside and Four Year Strong show at House of Blues
I treated myself to:
- Palm Springs birthday trip
- some other things I'm sure
March was a pretty magical month. I'm
xoxo
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Changing My Perspective
Friday morning I decided to conduct a quarterly review. More on the actual review later, but for now I want to talk about perception. Because before I put pen to paper, when I was thinking first about goals for next quarter, I thought I hadn't accomplished much during the first. I figured second quarter I could make up for what I lacked in the first and I'd figure it out from there.
Imagine my surprise when the first question was: What went well? And I had things flying from the pen to the page. I thought I would list maybe 3 or 4, but I kept remembering more. Oh yeah, I completed my goal of going to Palm Springs for my birthday AND I had my wonderful guy by my side, I not only signed up for the gym, but I started going on hikes with my guy and being so much more active than I have been in a really long time. Old Corey would NEVER have suggested a hike as something she wanted to do with her weekend. Unless it was at Torrey Pines but that didn't happen often in the past.
As I was writing these things down, and more and more just kept coming to mind, I wondered why I was feeling so far behind. Why I have been feeling so unsuccessful lately. I had been feeling like I was failing in exercising because I didn't go to the gym three times (I ended up doing just that AND taking a yoga class AND a pole dance class this week... so, no failing here) and because I haven't woken up early enough to go to the gym before work and because I hadn't gone through all the machines yet. There were just so many reasons why I wasn't doing enough and I needed to do more. And that's not just with exercise.
I recently took on the habit of flossing. My metaphorical dentist is finally breathing a sigh of relief. And I started my flossing habit at night, and then I realized that at night I get kind of tired and want as little in my routine as possible before bed, so I switched to morning. And I've been really good, but still I wonder if I shouldn't be flossing two times a day or if night would be better so things don't just stay between my teeth for 8 hours...
When I got to the end of my list of things that had gone well in the first quarter I took a second to really think about what I wanted out of the second. I thought I wanted my second quarter to be a list of things to complete, boxes to check off. But I realized that if I continued making my goals this way, I would continue focusing on what wasn't being done and how I was failing.
I realized in doing this quarterly review that I need a perspective shift, I need a new angle. I need to enjoy. Enjoy life, enjoy the times not checking something off of my list, enjoy breathing and being and having fun. I go through periods of my life where I forget to have fun. Where it all becomes about checking things off my list and somehow feeling successful.
But if that's all I focus on, if I don't take time to enjoy my wins, big and small, if I don't take time to enjoy, and laugh and not take things so frickin seriously, then I'll just have a list of checked off tasks and I'll be sitting on the brink of the next quarter wondering why I don't feel like anything has changed.
I'm not 100% sure on the solution, but I know it's going to have to be grounded in gratitude. There's going to need to be more time for fun. And my language about my projects is going to have to change. Instead of having to go to the gym, I get to go to the gym. I get to work out and feel stronger which is a big goal of mine. I GET to. Not I HAVE to.
I get to work on my blanket that I've been crocheting. I don't have to. No one is paying me to make that thing, it's purely for my entertainment. But I rarely feel entertained when I think about it.
It's time for a mind shift, back to gratitude, back to celebration of wins big and small. It's time to enjoy it, whatever it may be. Take it in and enjoy it.
Imagine my surprise when the first question was: What went well? And I had things flying from the pen to the page. I thought I would list maybe 3 or 4, but I kept remembering more. Oh yeah, I completed my goal of going to Palm Springs for my birthday AND I had my wonderful guy by my side, I not only signed up for the gym, but I started going on hikes with my guy and being so much more active than I have been in a really long time. Old Corey would NEVER have suggested a hike as something she wanted to do with her weekend. Unless it was at Torrey Pines but that didn't happen often in the past.
As I was writing these things down, and more and more just kept coming to mind, I wondered why I was feeling so far behind. Why I have been feeling so unsuccessful lately. I had been feeling like I was failing in exercising because I didn't go to the gym three times (I ended up doing just that AND taking a yoga class AND a pole dance class this week... so, no failing here) and because I haven't woken up early enough to go to the gym before work and because I hadn't gone through all the machines yet. There were just so many reasons why I wasn't doing enough and I needed to do more. And that's not just with exercise.
I recently took on the habit of flossing. My metaphorical dentist is finally breathing a sigh of relief. And I started my flossing habit at night, and then I realized that at night I get kind of tired and want as little in my routine as possible before bed, so I switched to morning. And I've been really good, but still I wonder if I shouldn't be flossing two times a day or if night would be better so things don't just stay between my teeth for 8 hours...
When I got to the end of my list of things that had gone well in the first quarter I took a second to really think about what I wanted out of the second. I thought I wanted my second quarter to be a list of things to complete, boxes to check off. But I realized that if I continued making my goals this way, I would continue focusing on what wasn't being done and how I was failing.
I realized in doing this quarterly review that I need a perspective shift, I need a new angle. I need to enjoy. Enjoy life, enjoy the times not checking something off of my list, enjoy breathing and being and having fun. I go through periods of my life where I forget to have fun. Where it all becomes about checking things off my list and somehow feeling successful.
But if that's all I focus on, if I don't take time to enjoy my wins, big and small, if I don't take time to enjoy, and laugh and not take things so frickin seriously, then I'll just have a list of checked off tasks and I'll be sitting on the brink of the next quarter wondering why I don't feel like anything has changed.
I'm not 100% sure on the solution, but I know it's going to have to be grounded in gratitude. There's going to need to be more time for fun. And my language about my projects is going to have to change. Instead of having to go to the gym, I get to go to the gym. I get to work out and feel stronger which is a big goal of mine. I GET to. Not I HAVE to.
I get to work on my blanket that I've been crocheting. I don't have to. No one is paying me to make that thing, it's purely for my entertainment. But I rarely feel entertained when I think about it.
It's time for a mind shift, back to gratitude, back to celebration of wins big and small. It's time to enjoy it, whatever it may be. Take it in and enjoy it.
xoxo
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
The Hobbit Hole
A few weekends ago, (over a month ago, it's taken me this long to write this all out) Dan and I went to see part II of The Hobbit. I wasn't all that interested in going but he does so many things that I want to do I realized he really wasn't asking for much. Plus I realized there would be popcorn and milk duds so my resistance waned.
About a quarter into the movie I started thinking about Tolkein's thoughts while writing this book. I started wondering who in their right mind thinks of the creatures he does. But then I let myself think a little deeper and suddenly The Hobbit became a metaphor for life as many of us know it now. Many of us are at the beginning, we have just be beckoned on a journey. Our curiosity is peaked, but we are resistant. Something deep down inside is screaming, but we have so many walls built the sound is faint, and still we are very resistant.
We have our routine, our mental Hobbit hole. That faint little voice is getting louder though, we still only hear a whisper but deep down she's causing quite a scene. People can see this in you, even if you don't see it in yourself. It's Gandolf's mark on the Hobbit door... your mark to bear.
You let it sit, you try to ignore the whispers and the people that see it in you, and you can be pretty successful, you've been practicing for years. But someone else or something else barges in, and then six or seven more somethings barge in, and that little voice is screaming at the top of her lungs and it's not forgotten anymore.
Whatever it is that barges in starts making a big ol' mess of that mental (and physical) Hobbit hole. It isn't necessarily rude, they may say please or thank you, or they may try to clean a bit after themselves, but they (thoughts, a person, a group of people) make a big ruckus and are loud and you can't hear your old thoughts. You try, very hard, but for the moment the other sounds are too loud.
Then the actual proposition comes, not just the hint of it, the actual proposition. No one is dancing around the idea anymore. It's on the table. And there is much resistance still in your head. So much resistance. So you sleep on it maybe, and something, who knows what, tugs at you. You wake up, and it almost seems too late, so you take off running... you're going on this journey, you're ready for this adventure.
Here's the deal, I believe, to have a truly fulfilling life, we need to go on this adventure.
It might not be the journey Bilbo Baggins goes on, and I really hope not considering the creatures he runs in to... but your journey will be long, and sometimes it will seem fun, other times it will seem like a nightmare. We might not actually meet up with an actual Orc, but you better believe some of the things you might come up against (your own demons perhaps) will be just as gruesome, just as foul.
But still you must keep going.
You will have people with you along the way. Don't take them for granted. It won't always seem like you can trust them and it won't always seem to them like you can be trusted, but when it comes down to it, you need each other in really tight situations, and really big messes. You both will be on this journey for your own reasons, you both will face your own demons. When the spots get really tight and when it everything seems lost despite the demons, you'll help each other out.
Sometimes your demons won't appear as Orc, but instead they will appear as something shiny and beautiful. Something that seems to have a great deal of power, and can help you to be better than you have ever been. You'll notice, however, that this something will also bring out a dark side, be careful with those shiny things. Use them only as you must.
I could go on and on for another handful of paragraphs here but the take away is:
Go on the adventure. Help others and in turn let them help you. Beat the orcs, come face to face with the dragons, and use the shiny objects sparingly. If used too often they might reflect an image of yourself you just don't like.
Go forth. Be brave.
About a quarter into the movie I started thinking about Tolkein's thoughts while writing this book. I started wondering who in their right mind thinks of the creatures he does. But then I let myself think a little deeper and suddenly The Hobbit became a metaphor for life as many of us know it now. Many of us are at the beginning, we have just be beckoned on a journey. Our curiosity is peaked, but we are resistant. Something deep down inside is screaming, but we have so many walls built the sound is faint, and still we are very resistant.
We have our routine, our mental Hobbit hole. That faint little voice is getting louder though, we still only hear a whisper but deep down she's causing quite a scene. People can see this in you, even if you don't see it in yourself. It's Gandolf's mark on the Hobbit door... your mark to bear.
You let it sit, you try to ignore the whispers and the people that see it in you, and you can be pretty successful, you've been practicing for years. But someone else or something else barges in, and then six or seven more somethings barge in, and that little voice is screaming at the top of her lungs and it's not forgotten anymore.
Whatever it is that barges in starts making a big ol' mess of that mental (and physical) Hobbit hole. It isn't necessarily rude, they may say please or thank you, or they may try to clean a bit after themselves, but they (thoughts, a person, a group of people) make a big ruckus and are loud and you can't hear your old thoughts. You try, very hard, but for the moment the other sounds are too loud.
Then the actual proposition comes, not just the hint of it, the actual proposition. No one is dancing around the idea anymore. It's on the table. And there is much resistance still in your head. So much resistance. So you sleep on it maybe, and something, who knows what, tugs at you. You wake up, and it almost seems too late, so you take off running... you're going on this journey, you're ready for this adventure.
Here's the deal, I believe, to have a truly fulfilling life, we need to go on this adventure.
It might not be the journey Bilbo Baggins goes on, and I really hope not considering the creatures he runs in to... but your journey will be long, and sometimes it will seem fun, other times it will seem like a nightmare. We might not actually meet up with an actual Orc, but you better believe some of the things you might come up against (your own demons perhaps) will be just as gruesome, just as foul.
But still you must keep going.
You will have people with you along the way. Don't take them for granted. It won't always seem like you can trust them and it won't always seem to them like you can be trusted, but when it comes down to it, you need each other in really tight situations, and really big messes. You both will be on this journey for your own reasons, you both will face your own demons. When the spots get really tight and when it everything seems lost despite the demons, you'll help each other out.
Sometimes your demons won't appear as Orc, but instead they will appear as something shiny and beautiful. Something that seems to have a great deal of power, and can help you to be better than you have ever been. You'll notice, however, that this something will also bring out a dark side, be careful with those shiny things. Use them only as you must.
I could go on and on for another handful of paragraphs here but the take away is:
Go on the adventure. Help others and in turn let them help you. Beat the orcs, come face to face with the dragons, and use the shiny objects sparingly. If used too often they might reflect an image of yourself you just don't like.
Go forth. Be brave.
xoxo
Friday, February 28, 2014
February In Review
As I put this post together and list the things I've done this month, and books I've read I am realizing that January was much more active whereas February has been more cerebral. I was getting a little down about the whole thing when I remembered that February is a short month and I lost 14 good "Active" days to a healing foot tattoo. It wasn't like Dan and I were sloth like on purpose, though we did have some good naps and lazy weekend days, it's just that we had other things going on. While there hasn't been a frenzy of movement this month it has been incredibly full. Valentine's Day was above and beyond what I could have ever expected it to be and I'm so very grateful for that.
I did sign up for a gym membership a couple days before getting a foot tattoo. Not my best timing decision, but I'm excited that my days of foot rest are now about over and I can put on my sneakers again. The elliptical is calling my name.
Best of all, March is my birthday month and I have an awesome birthday planned for myself, I am taking 4 days off of work, two on each side of a weekend and Dan and I are heading to Palm Springs for three of those days... so excited. But more about that later. For now, here's February in Review.
I read:
- Where'd You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple
- Manage Your Day-to-Day by The 99U Book Series
- Love Yourself by Kamal Ravikant
- Wild by Cheryl Strayed
- You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero (for the 4th time, read. this. book.)
- Vagabonding by Rolf Potts
Started reading but have yet to finish:
- Bread & Wine by Shauna Neiquist
- Escape from Cubicle Nation by Pamela Slim
I watched:
- Pretty Little Liars /// still love this crazy show
- Friday Night Lights /// one more season to go
Tried new things:
- Popeye's
- I started listening to Podcasts, the one that I really like right now is SeanWes. He's an incredibly talented hand letterer as well as designer. He and Aaron discuss many aspects of being an entrepreneur. I started from the beginning, I think his cohost is someone else now, but I'm still on Sean and Aaron.
Dan and I adventured to:
- Griffith Park Observatory and the Old Griffith Park Zoo, we then went to Santa Monica Pier which was by far the best part of the day
- Wilderness Gardens Preserve
I treated myself to:
- a new tattoo
- a memory foam bathmat that actually dries my feet
February definitely heard a lot of crickets here. We'll see what March has to bring. (Besides my awesome birthday!!!)
I did sign up for a gym membership a couple days before getting a foot tattoo. Not my best timing decision, but I'm excited that my days of foot rest are now about over and I can put on my sneakers again. The elliptical is calling my name.
Best of all, March is my birthday month and I have an awesome birthday planned for myself, I am taking 4 days off of work, two on each side of a weekend and Dan and I are heading to Palm Springs for three of those days... so excited. But more about that later. For now, here's February in Review.
I read:
- Where'd You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple
- Manage Your Day-to-Day by The 99U Book Series
- Love Yourself by Kamal Ravikant
- Wild by Cheryl Strayed
- You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero (for the 4th time, read. this. book.)
- Vagabonding by Rolf Potts
Started reading but have yet to finish:
- Bread & Wine by Shauna Neiquist
- Escape from Cubicle Nation by Pamela Slim
I watched:
- Pretty Little Liars /// still love this crazy show
- Friday Night Lights /// one more season to go
Tried new things:
- Popeye's
- I started listening to Podcasts, the one that I really like right now is SeanWes. He's an incredibly talented hand letterer as well as designer. He and Aaron discuss many aspects of being an entrepreneur. I started from the beginning, I think his cohost is someone else now, but I'm still on Sean and Aaron.
Dan and I adventured to:
- Griffith Park Observatory and the Old Griffith Park Zoo, we then went to Santa Monica Pier which was by far the best part of the day
- Wilderness Gardens Preserve
I treated myself to:
- a new tattoo
- a memory foam bathmat that actually dries my feet
February definitely heard a lot of crickets here. We'll see what March has to bring. (Besides my awesome birthday!!!)
xoxo
Wednesday, February 19, 2014
The Weekly
a weekly processing, a record. a mix up of currently, around here with a hint of time/money/energy expenditure analysis.
And beyond my normal little hurdles to posting the internet at my house is on a rampage of pretending to work and then losing a signal at the most annoying of times. I keep trying to get it fixed but it is a little out of my hands.
Thinking about: Valentine's Day and how I use to be a bitter, bitter bunny. Totally admit I was one of those people that hated it just because I didn't have someone to share it with. I have had three decent Valentine's Days before this year. I probably could have had more but I was set on being bitter so there. Two were in high school, one of those with a boy who had asked me out 2 days before, at lunch he brought me a bouquet of red roses and an impossibly huge (for being together 2 days) teddy bear. Unfortunately our break up 2 weeks later blotted out the joy of that one. The second was a girls night out, I'm pretty sure we went dancing and coordinated it so we all said we were staying at someone else's house or something. I'm pretty sure that dancing trip took us up to Orange County. That was the extent of my sneaking around.
The third good Valentine's Day was a couple of years ago. The guy I was seeing and his friend were walking around Oceanside and asked me to join. It wasn't a typical V-day but it was cute and fun and I wore a dress. The three of us walked to Ruby's at the end of the pier and had milk shakes and french fries and laughed a lot.
This year... this year takes the cake. I am so so very grateful for the man in my life. Dan knocked it out of the park with flowers, heart shaped balloon, frog holding a heart sign that says "kiss me" shaped balloon, Ferrero Rocher chocolates, a gift card for the Kindle and something else coming in the mail (only the best art print ever of a gorgeous mermaid with traditional tattoos). I am so absolutely spoiled and it brought tears of joy to my face. Best Valentine's Day ever.
Adventured to: Wilderness Gardens Preserve off of the 76. It was a mellow walk for most of the trip, there was one hill and about 20 steps for the hardest of the trails, but mostly it's just a place to wander for a mile and then walk back. It had some green, which I appreciated very much.
Loving: My new tattoo despite how difficult it is to walk with it. Day 1... Day 2 and there on should get better and better.
Signed up for: A gym membership. Don't worry, I'm almost as surprised as you are. It's right by my house, it's $10 a month and I'm actually really stoked on it. My planning could have been better however. Not suppose to wear sneakers for at least 10 days... guess I'll be doing my work outs at home, barefoot for those days.
Cooking:
Sugar Cookies in heart and X and O shapes
Upside down banana cake/bread in my cast iron skillet
Pra Ram
Pancakes that just aren't quite working out
Learning: How to clean a cast iron skillet, after cooking banana bread in it I cleaned it like a normal pan, probably wasn't suppose to do that. It still has banana slice imprints on it too. I think it's time for some coarse salt and then I'll need to re-season it.
Anticipating: My birthday weekend. Not to be ungrateful for this weekend. I am just really excited for a Palm Springs adventure!
Read/Reading:
You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero (for the 4th time)
Wild by Cheryl Strayed
Bread & Wine by Shauna Neiquist
Randomly Searched: how much to tip a tattoo artist. It came up with a bunch of different answers. I went about 20% because my tattoo is beautiful. (if not incredibly painful)
Feeling: The pulsing of my foot. I cannot say this enough, the foot is the worst spot for me thus far, and I covered all the hard parts of it. From the outside edge that's close to the bottom, to around the ankle, to the top bony area to... and this is the worst the second day, the area where your foot bends, the front ankle if you will. I'm usually pretty good about zoning out and being able to pay attention to the vibration instead of the needles after about 10 minutes, but this time, NOPE. I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older or what. But ouch.
Also worth mentioning, my foot is just a puffy thing right now, and when I walk it feels almost gelatinous on the top, like a thick layer of pudding moving back and forth. Weird? Yes.
Planning: Something big to come by the 1st of June. That's my deadline, I'll write it in big numbers and hang it on my wall.
Motivational quote for the next week (and possibly all of my life):
Start where you are.
xoxo
Tuesday, February 4, 2014
January In Review
(Image was lost in the switches)
The first month of abundance: I didn't spend a lot of intentional time with my word for the month of January. I spent a lot of it getting thoughts out of the way, reading more than I expected to, and getting my butt to work. Every once in a while I would remember abundance, and I would breath it in and out, abundance of time, abundance of opportunity, abundance of funds to do the things I want to do... I know there's a lot more work to be done though. I know there is a better way to connect and believe in abundance. While I wasn't exactly working on abundance in January I was doing a lot of things and seeing a lot of places! January looked a little like this...
I read:
- Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
- Allegiant by Veronica Roth
- Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
- Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
- Choose Yourself by James Altucher
Started by did not finish:
- Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone
I watched:
- Nashville /// From the beginning to the most recent episode, I am hooked!
- Girls /// Not feeling it anymore, brings me to a sad and anxious place I don't want to be
- Pretty Little Liars /// sucked me back in like a hoover
Tried new things:
- I ate lobster
- Went to the chiropractor (more on that later)
Dan and I adventured to:
- Kate Sessions Park
- Old Town to see Heritage and Presidio Park
- Lake Calavera and went for a hike to the top
- 1000 Steps in Laguna Beach and it kicked my butt, and my calves
- Cleveland National Forest and walked a small train
- Cabrillo Monument
- Enzo's BBQ. We eat there pretty regularly... we order it to go and then have a little picnic on my bed.
I introduced new habits:
- flossing /// I know I shooouuld do this, but getting around to it just doesn't happen all the time
- writing 750 words a day /// I was really good about this for a while, like almost 100 days in a row and then I forgot one day and I was sad and didn't come back to it. So now I'm back to it.
- going to bed by 10:30pm /// I'm working on going to bed earlier so it will be easier to wake up earlier eventually. One step at a time.
- drink 6 glasses of water a day /// I've quit Diet Coke, again, and 6 glasses is a goal that I have to work for but doesn't feel as impossible as 8 glasses. Like with the earlier to bed, earlier to rise, one step at a time.
Despite not paying too much attention to my word this month I did seem to do a bunch of things. I found myself rushing from one to the next though, so in February I am looking to slow down a bit and savor more. I want to spend less time seeing if places or things meet up to my expectations and more time seeing what is. February, in my quest for the feeling of abundance, will be about seeing what is and enjoying it to the very last drop.
The first month of abundance: I didn't spend a lot of intentional time with my word for the month of January. I spent a lot of it getting thoughts out of the way, reading more than I expected to, and getting my butt to work. Every once in a while I would remember abundance, and I would breath it in and out, abundance of time, abundance of opportunity, abundance of funds to do the things I want to do... I know there's a lot more work to be done though. I know there is a better way to connect and believe in abundance. While I wasn't exactly working on abundance in January I was doing a lot of things and seeing a lot of places! January looked a little like this...
I read:
- Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
- Allegiant by Veronica Roth
- Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
- Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
- Choose Yourself by James Altucher
Started by did not finish:
- Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone
I watched:
- Nashville /// From the beginning to the most recent episode, I am hooked!
- Girls /// Not feeling it anymore, brings me to a sad and anxious place I don't want to be
- Pretty Little Liars /// sucked me back in like a hoover
Tried new things:
- I ate lobster
- Went to the chiropractor (more on that later)
Dan and I adventured to:
- Kate Sessions Park
- Old Town to see Heritage and Presidio Park
- Lake Calavera and went for a hike to the top
- 1000 Steps in Laguna Beach and it kicked my butt, and my calves
- Cleveland National Forest and walked a small train
- Cabrillo Monument
- Enzo's BBQ. We eat there pretty regularly... we order it to go and then have a little picnic on my bed.
I introduced new habits:
- flossing /// I know I shooouuld do this, but getting around to it just doesn't happen all the time
- writing 750 words a day /// I was really good about this for a while, like almost 100 days in a row and then I forgot one day and I was sad and didn't come back to it. So now I'm back to it.
- going to bed by 10:30pm /// I'm working on going to bed earlier so it will be easier to wake up earlier eventually. One step at a time.
- drink 6 glasses of water a day /// I've quit Diet Coke, again, and 6 glasses is a goal that I have to work for but doesn't feel as impossible as 8 glasses. Like with the earlier to bed, earlier to rise, one step at a time.
Despite not paying too much attention to my word this month I did seem to do a bunch of things. I found myself rushing from one to the next though, so in February I am looking to slow down a bit and savor more. I want to spend less time seeing if places or things meet up to my expectations and more time seeing what is. February, in my quest for the feeling of abundance, will be about seeing what is and enjoying it to the very last drop.
xoxo
Monday, January 20, 2014
Hello 2014
Hello again blog world. Hello again readers. It's 20 days in to 2014 and it's just gone by so fast. I've done so much, I've felt so much already and this year, oh this year is shaping up to be a good one. I spend the end of last year with my boyfriend and family, doing holiday things and then counting down to the stroke of midnight.I spent January 1st in bed, not hung over, but relaxing, reading, and planning.
By now, the me of years gone by would have had a list of resolutions and a game plan that would fall apart somewhere into month two. Last year changed my mindset a lot, I learned to slow down (a little) and to appreciate. I learned that no matter what you plan, life's going to just make other plans.
I also learned that life making other plans is okay, in fact, most of the time it ends up better.
I started last year jumping into something full of miscommunication and unmentioned needs. I ended the year with a fantastic man that is no doubt the calm to my storm. He's also my partner in adventure crime. He turned out to be everything that I wanted, everything that I was afraid to even think to want. So, like I said, sometimes life gets it better.
With that in mind, I allowed the obsessive compulsive side of me write lists of resolutions, but I haven't held myself to them. Things like, floss daily, 52 in 52 projects and wake up at 6:00am weren't necessary. They weren't do or fail. I just let them sit, let them ruminate and just let myself be.
Last year I managed to cross more things off my life to-do list than I even realized, and I did it all after the hardest time in my life. Through health issues, a broken heart, the loss of a friend, the loss of my grandpa, my first accident that I was responsible for and a look down the end of depression, somehow, I turned myself around like I never have before. And despite my brains ruts in negativity I've managed to build myself a decent foundation of mental strength and confidence that I'm not sure I've ever had. I've also started making new paths in that brain, paths of positivity.
Needless to say, it was a hard year, but it was not without great reward.
This year while writing possible resolutions and thinking of things I want to do I had a word come to me. It was with little effort, it just popped into my head one day and I thought, that's it, that's what this year is about. I'll share that word later.
The point is, this year is about making plans, and letting life mold it as she will. It's about being gentle with myself, kind even. It's about further building upon that foundation that 2013 gave me.
I am so excited to see what's in store.
By now, the me of years gone by would have had a list of resolutions and a game plan that would fall apart somewhere into month two. Last year changed my mindset a lot, I learned to slow down (a little) and to appreciate. I learned that no matter what you plan, life's going to just make other plans.
I also learned that life making other plans is okay, in fact, most of the time it ends up better.
I started last year jumping into something full of miscommunication and unmentioned needs. I ended the year with a fantastic man that is no doubt the calm to my storm. He's also my partner in adventure crime. He turned out to be everything that I wanted, everything that I was afraid to even think to want. So, like I said, sometimes life gets it better.
With that in mind, I allowed the obsessive compulsive side of me write lists of resolutions, but I haven't held myself to them. Things like, floss daily, 52 in 52 projects and wake up at 6:00am weren't necessary. They weren't do or fail. I just let them sit, let them ruminate and just let myself be.
Last year I managed to cross more things off my life to-do list than I even realized, and I did it all after the hardest time in my life. Through health issues, a broken heart, the loss of a friend, the loss of my grandpa, my first accident that I was responsible for and a look down the end of depression, somehow, I turned myself around like I never have before. And despite my brains ruts in negativity I've managed to build myself a decent foundation of mental strength and confidence that I'm not sure I've ever had. I've also started making new paths in that brain, paths of positivity.
Needless to say, it was a hard year, but it was not without great reward.
This year while writing possible resolutions and thinking of things I want to do I had a word come to me. It was with little effort, it just popped into my head one day and I thought, that's it, that's what this year is about. I'll share that word later.
The point is, this year is about making plans, and letting life mold it as she will. It's about being gentle with myself, kind even. It's about further building upon that foundation that 2013 gave me.
I am so excited to see what's in store.
xoxo
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
A Look at 2013
This past year surprised me. Completely. From the beginning right up to the end. It started out rough, like really rough. Like losing my good friend to depression and my grandpa to old age within 24 hours of each other, like being in my first car crash that I was responsible for, like cutting my finger open at work on Mother's Day and needing 10 or more stitches. Like thinking you've found someone that you might start a relationship with and learn that they aren't the one. Like going from loving food to eating only bananas and toast, with an occasional side of chicken or apple sauce for a month.
But then it shifted, or I shifted. I starting really believing that things happen to people. Things happen to people. Good things, bad things, doesn't matter if the person is good or bad, things happen. People hold in their grief and decide this life isn't for them, other people grow old and their body just can't do it anymore. I believed in the beginning of the year that the stars might just have aligned, and that this was going to work, that the universe owed me this one, finally. I was proved wrong again. I was mad, so mad, not only that, but I was disappointed, in myself and it took me most of the year to pull out of that fully. But one step at a time I did. I started trusting the Universe, not just saying I did. I started understanding that you have to go through things in life because that's what life is. I started really believing that you learn from the harder times, that you grow from them.
I grew, and the pessimistic side likes to say I only grew a little... but I'm starting to let my positive side have the last word and she says I've learned, and therefore grown, a lot.
This year I went on two trips, one up to San Francisco and back down the California coast, and then another, to Nashville, a place I have wanted to go to for probably four years now. I went to a conference, I fell in love with Franklin, right outside of Nashville and best of all I felt like I'd found a new place that I wanted to explore.
I went from three jobs, to two jobs, to one. Just one. It's full time, with benefits, and it pays my bills. It's made me see just how much I need to figure out how to lead my own unconventional life. But it's stable for now, and that's what I asked for.
I fell into a relationship with a great guy. This time I didn't think the Universe owed me but I did finally believe that I was worthy of it. I had stopped my usual courting techniques, I had learned what I really wanted someone to like, and within weeks we found each other. I'm not saying that's how it always works, but this time it did.
I prepared over 52 recipes and found myself somewhat addicted to cooking. I did not expect that to happen, but it did, and I'm very glad.
Most importantly, I started enjoying the process.
////
What else did I do in 2013...
watched /// Friday Night Lights & Girls
read and loved /// You Are a Badass, Packing Light, The Little Prince (while sitting in a children's chair at Barnes & Noble), Love Does, The Graveyard Book, The Science of Getting Rich, Lean In, Daring Greatly, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dash and Lily's Book of Dares
listened to /// the story so far, Paramore, Zedd, and fell in love with Country
+Bungee Jumped!!!
+ celebrated my sister's 21st birthday
+ adopted some succulents... didn't kill all of them
+ swam with sharks (well, I think I did... the visibility wasn't so great that day)
+ did two photoshoots for a friend
+ hiked three trails in Torrey Pines
All in all, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but it was a good year. I'm incredibly blessed.
xoxo
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