Welcome May

I'm so happy for May. I think I have been saying this for every month, but I think this is taking the cake. It's not my birthday month, it's not yet summer, but it's May and it's not January through April, and things are letting up and I'm finding myself in a better spot mentally on a consistent basis.

My goal for May is to keep that good thing going. To keep appreciating, and getting out and doing things I want to be doing. I want May to be full of fun times, new experiences, and hard work.

I'll be watching TED talks
I'll be dancing
I'll be taking pictures and looking for a class or two to sign up for
I'll be practicing gratitude and working diligently on positive thinking
I'll be reading, as always
I'll be cleaning up and redesigning this space!
I'll be growing

It doesn't matter what happens next, I've decided that this dark period is over. It's all about perspective right? Right!

xoxo

Something to Remember

something to remember

doctors appointments, heart monitors and ultrasounds on the thyroid // starting Friday Night Lights // dinner at Urban Plates with my second mom // finally going to Torrey Pines Reserve // new music // saving a baby plant and trying to nurse him back to heath // going to high school haunts // window gardens //

here's to

finding new albums to listen to on repeat // talking to my new plants // driving with the windows down and the music loud // re-reading some of your favorite books and half remembering half forgetting what happens // good times with friends from work // new perfume // finally doing something I've been meaning to for a while // having good days despite everything // feeling the weightlessness of knowing that I'm better off this way then in the pseudoship I was in before // emails with people far away // a new shirt that makes the whole day just a little better // standing on the edge and taking it all in //

xoxo

Something to Remember

something to remember

really seeing the weight lost in the past 3.5 months. not good, but interesting. // finding things to eat // taking the cameras out for the first time in a while and getting a decent picture from the mini outside for once // a reminder to choose the good // a nice bath with bubbles and the best smelling candle // Zeus the great.

here's to

inspiration often striking at dad's house // rest and relaxation // an old dog that still looks and acts like a puppy // choosing to write about the good // great smelling shampoo and conditioner // rereading John Green books as a mind break // working on naming my core desired feelings // starting a new friendship through the blog and email

xoxo

Something to Remember

I think it's been a theme here that I feel like time is slipping away. And I read these blogs that take beautiful pictures of simple day to day things, that give space for the great in their days, in their weeks. I see Elise doing her Around Here and Project Life posts and I just want to have enough experiences each week to fill two pages. More than just, I went to work, I came home, I slept, I ate. Next week!

Here's to making the effort to document more, to remember more, and to enjoy more.

something to remember

Zeus sitting as regal as the statue behind him // new succulents, especially this one with tiny flowers and the beautiful wood background // writing in my new, brightly colored moleskin notebook and listening to an album that was nothing like I expected but has grown to be amazing

Here's to

750 words a day for 80 days in a row // making enough money to pay bills // extra shifts coming my way easily which are so very necessary // a late night at denny's // Lean In by Sheryl Sandberg // a lot of rest and quiet while housesitting

xoxo

Little Reminders

via

I just love the show Girls. Like, love it. I can't watch it for more than a couple episodes at a time because I tend to get really introspective (more than usual which is already too much) and melancholy. BUT I love the show none the less. I constantly find myself searching for meme's of things that one of the characters has said that I connected with. 

Most recently in my watching was this quote. From Ray's mouth to Marnie. And, can I just say, I felt verbally, I related most to Hannah in the first season but overall I relate more to Marnie? Wow, that sentence was a little Shosh. She's also fabulous. She's just so real and honest and naive to the point that it's great. I love it. I almost wish I was like that. Not necessarily in the words she uses but in her brutal honesty that never seems brutal. She just says how she feels and it's how it is and it's not mean, no one could ever call her a bitch, because she's not. She's sweet and considerate and gah. Love these characters even when I hate them... and there are times when I hate each one of them. But overall, brilliant.

As far as the actual quote goes, I think it's time for me to go there. For me to do more than write about and plan. I love planning, it means control, it means not yet having to go out of the comfort zone to do. Planning feels powerful. Doing, oh that's vulnerable. 

Here's the deal, I usually, feel REALLY GOOD after doing something new. And I know that doing something new, or something I haven't done in a while or going out with friends will feel good. But I find excuses and get anxious. And I have to fight with myself for each new thing. It's not a big battle, it's just that I feel this uneasiness that's hard to conquer unless I feel like I have no choice. 

Exploring feels good though, after the first jump is made. So it's time to start exploring again. Go back to trying new things, going new places and getting out with friends more. Exploring, not graphing or planning. Experiencing for myself... and maybe taking some pictures along the way.

xoxo

the story

found here

I read a book* recently (I'm surprised more of my conversations don't start with that line) about a man who realized his life wasn't that good of a story. It wasn't a bad one, per say, it just wasn't good. It wasn't doing him any favors and nobody would want to watch the thing if it were a movie...
So he did something about it. Less for the movie aspect, and more for the having a life worth living side.
That synopsis doesn't sound nearly as deep as it feels in my head, but we'll get there, stick with me.

So, as I was reading this story I found myself relating to certain parts (as we do when we find what we think is a good story) and almost wanting to cry. This could be because I seem to have a surplus of tears lately, or it could be because what was being said held some weight, some deep and significant relevance to my life.

I picked up the book any time I could, I spent hours in beach parking lots reading by the light of the setting sun... well, maybe two hours, three tops... but you get the point. It was a good scene to read a book with weight and meaning.

I am in this story, and I've created it, I'm suppose to be creating it... or maybe something else is. Something that I refer to as Mother Nature or the Universe or the system and what he refers to as God... is writing this story, and it's not without conflict, and for some reason I expect it to be. For some reason I feel like a lot of us expect this created, blessed life to be without hardship, maybe not those who hit hard and wised up a bit... but some of us hit hard and ran. I'll raise my hand and admit it... hard hit several times and I thought things were suppose to be relatively easy so I ran, thinking the next place might be easier, or the last place, or back to the second place... or back to home again. Nothing was easier. I was still there, plots still have to thicken and the resolve of the main character has to have strength.

I'm in a moment of high conflict in my story right now. And I want to run. But I know I don't have anywhere that I can go for long. And I know that the only way to come out of this better than before is to go through. I'm wincing just thinking about it, but my struggles are really not so bad. When I sit back and think, and compare to other plights, I realize I'm living a pretty basic life.

So maybe I'm not wanting hard or big enough, maybe I'm not working hard or big enough. Maybe I've exhausted the inner work projects and need to find some outer work projects to bring new life to my story. Because right now it's sad, and not pretty. My story is looking on the shabby side and there's no chic involved. My life hurts almost daily, it feels unstable... I often want to take a break from myself. Being sedated sounds like a great option if I wasn't so adverse to drugs, prescribed or not.

But that's not how this goes, that's not how this gets better. If I keep avoiding or running the problem section, the conflict might go away for a bit, but it's not gone, it's just waiting. It's another test and this time it really needs me to get through. Correction, I really need me to get through.

___

It's been a week since I started writing this post and some things have changed. I went to a meeting for Depression and Bipolar which was very insightful, I found a new place to live that is a lot more stable than where I was before, time passed and the hurt of being "given space" to figure out my life lost a bit of it's edge, I went to the shooting range and found a quiet mind for an hour, I went on two interviews and I spent some much needed time with friends. 

To say that I'm out of the woods is a stretch. This month is going to be tough, but I think it's going to be a different kind of tough. I'm hoping it's a tough that means rebuilding instead of falling apart. Sometimes things are still going to seem a little broken, sometimes I'm going to feel sad, but I think I'm on the up for now. There's so much work to be done still, but some of it I will really enjoy, and other parts... well, I'll soldier on through them. 

It's time to be a little more active, time to make some things happen, time to add exciting bits to the storyline. That's when the story starts getting good, when an effort is made. And I'm sitting here, some days just doing everything I can to show up, others doing that and more. 

I don't want to look back years from now and wonder what happened, why I stayed so small. I want my life to be big, and maybe that's what 2013 knew. Maybe what felt like destruction was making room for growth. I can only hope, and continue to live my story. 

xoxo

* A Million Miles in a Thousand Years - Donald Miller

April's Endeavors

I've been quiet, I've been licking my wounds. I've been putting things on the back burner, like cooking 52 in 52 and going on photo adventures with my meet up group. I've tried to jump back in and been brought back down. But it's April, and it's a new quarter, and there are some things I've learned from the last quarter that I'm going to use moving forward.

We've officially hit Spring, and Spring is definitely a time to warm up, to see the sun shine more (metaphorically because it shines here in San Diego on the regular) to see things blossoming. It's a time where rain still comes and nothing has taken full shape yet and I think that's quite appropriate for my life.

Today, on April Fools, the first day of the new quarter, I am moving into a new place. In this month I will write about the reasons for the move, but until then let's just say that where I was at was not stable.
The first day of the new quarter I am not only moving but I am going to an interview. These are the first examples I am making to myself and for myself to show up to life.

I paid less attention to my word of the year for the past two months, I wondered if it was the right word. Sometimes survive felt like the right word, not anything above and beyond that. Looking back though, I stuck to it, just in a different way than I thought I was going to. Isn't that how it goes though, you think it's going to be one thing and then life leads you a slightly different way.
Maybe I had to get through what I've gone through to be able to reach the goals I set for this word back in January.

Through the last three months, and more specifically the last three weeks there are some things that I decided that I'm carrying through April.

This month I endeavor to:

- show up... to plans that I've made, to outings with friends, to interviews and other things

- not invest in my emotions. This may seem counter intuitive but I've learned some big things about myself in the past month, some things that have shed a lot of light and some new understanding on the past 10 years, and right now, I know that my best bet is to not invest in my emotions, to let them happen and pass. Happy, sad, excited, hopeful and everything else, let them be. When things get a little more stable here, when my moods aren't changing daily or even hourly, I'll start investing again, but for now it's about letting them come and go.

- land myself a full time job!

April, please be a little more gentle than the months before.

xoxo