52 photos in 52 weeks: Week 16 & 17

Week 16: We have some rules at work. We also have some people that can't read. I'm not sure why we even have lockers at work if we can't lock them... just get shelves. I mean, twelve lockers isn't going to hold all employees stuff anyway. Small square lockers maybe? 

All in all, despite the almost useless quality of the lockers, I still find it funny that someone decided to put a lock on anyway...

Week 17: I was about to apologize for the lack of professionalism in these photos but I remembered that I read something about apologizing less for things that are you and so I decided against it. Well, I decided to explain my thought process.

First picture, the best little kitty's back feet. She comes to get pet any time I go to dad's house. I'm her favorite... maybe not, but she really does love my hair.

Second: This foam roller is a best friend and worst enemy to my leg muscles. Turns out I have a few or more knots just hanging out in my muscles, legs and otherwise. This fun little thing, seemingly unable to inflict great amounts of pain, does just what it seems it can't.
Have you ever rolled out intense knots in your legs (or anywhere else)... it's like, well it's like a little piece of hell. I really hope the pain is beneficial.
I suppose I'm really just guessing/hoping/praying to the muscle gods that this thing, while my worst enemy, is also my best friend.

Holding on to hope.

xoxo

two thousand twelve: second quarter

what does my finish line look like... besides of course, a starting point of new goals

I've put a lot of thought into this quarter. I didn't start my thinking back before the quarter started, but after. I wrote out all of these goals I wanted to meet and then realized that many of them weren't really working toward anything lasting and beneficial.
Many of the goals were things I could check off and say I did but wouldn't really improve my life after the quarter was over. They definitely weren't things that could be built upon in following quarters.

That left me confused and frustrated. Those two words are emotions I have been constantly living in for the past, oh... few years. I want out of those words, I want out of those emotions that feel so permanent because they've been a constant part of me for so very long.

That meant rearranging, re-prioritizing and listening to what I really want. What things are really weighing on my mind versus the minor annoyances that are really easy to get distracted by.

This year I want change. I'm not sure of the exact details of what I want December 31, 2012 at 11:59:59pm to have (besides maybe some champagne and a New Year's kiss) but I do know that I want to be feeling differently about my life and myself.

So where does that leave me with my second quarter goals. I'm still working on that. I went and looked at my goals for 2012 but found them to be of little help in certain areas. There were things I've already decided aren't as important for me to complete this year, some things I've lost interest in. I guess I can just go with what I want to stick with and see what else comes up.

Here's what I have so far:

+I want to commit more fully to exercise and treating my body right. What does that look like?
- continuing to exercise 3+ times a week
- cooking more frequently

+I want to pay for someone behind me in a drive thru line.

+I am still really loving photography and don't want to forget about my toy cameras, or my Rollei. So three more rolls of 120 is a must.

+52 photos in 52 weeks is still on as well. It's a project I don't get tired of.

+I'm going to continue reading as if words were food and I was a very hungry child. There will be no numbers to put on this goal though. I read when I can, and focus on other things when I need to. Re-reading favorites will probably happen a few times this quarter.

+I will continue to make better decisions about my money, I will continue to put money away and to pay my bills.

+I still want to do a vlog

+Say yes to something I would normally say no to. For real this quarter.


What I want to add:
+clean my room and bathroom once a week, that means gloves on, floor wet-swiffered, carpet vacuumed etc.

+I must, must, must go to the dentist this quarter. No ifs, ands, or buts. It's been way, way too long.

+I must commit to a frequent, if not daily writing schedule. Not blogging, not writing a book, just jotting down notes. Once a day, at least 5 times a week. I've been avoiding issues that must be worked through.

+Continue job hunt. I'm doing well where I'm at now, but there's no need to stop looking. One day I'm going to have to be a big girl and face this world on my own two feet, no training wheels.


For now those cover my area of focus. If I manage to do some other ones I had written down in journals before, great, if not I'm not bummed. Future, money, creativity and learning are my focus points for the next 3 (well, 2.5 at this point) months.

xoxo

Currently...

currently eating... and cuddling with (the blanket, m&m's don't make good cuddle buddies)

I've resisted for so, so long but alas I can resist no longer. I'm jumping on the bandwagon, well, I'm jumping IN it and then might just jump on it as well... and doing a "currently" post. I'm not sure if this will continue on in the future or if this will be a one time thing. It's all up in the air as they say.

LOVING: Summer music that I'm starting to hear... specifically the song, Call Me, Maybe by Carly Rae Jepson and how Bieber and crew did a video lip syncing it. Here's the deal, I was quite anti Biebs until... well, until his new song came out. Boyfriend, yeah. Love it. I just can't hate a musician without them making at least one song I like and having to swallow my words. Oh wait, Courtney Love... I still am totally against her as a singer. Seriously... gross.

THINKING ABOUT:  Life, love and the pursuit of happiness. Or how my back and neck hate that I end up slouching down when I do computer stuff from my bed. Slouch slouch slouch.

Also, I'm currently in the process of reading three books, none of which I'm super stoked on. I'm more than half way through with Catch-22 and I'm just not invested. Same with It's Kind of a Funny Story. And the last book I'm reading... Smart Women Finish Rich. I'm sure it's good but I haven't made it past the intro. 

Then there's the guilt I feel about dining outside of the house too much this week. Time to get back in control and take snacks, lunches, dinner whatever to work. And keep enough food in the house to be able to eat at home. I mean, besides a couple of places (Daphne's and sushi places) the food isn't mind blowing anyway. Taco Bell and El Pollo Loco don't need to be a weekly thing. 

Let's end the thinking about with a positive shall we... I mean, I'm in a great mood believe it or not! 

So, good thing I'm thinking about... reading and then cuddling up in my blankets and sleeping. Simple, but great.

ANTICIPATING:  Finishing aforementioned books and finding one that I hate putting down. Must. push. through.

Also, work tomorrow night. Hopefully it's a bit busier than it was tonight. More tips please, want to save up!

WISHING: I could fly out to Portland or San Francisco, or have a weekend in Palm Springs with some friends. Just basically wishing for a weekend full of fun and laughter and possibly a video of us dancing around like idiots to Call Me Maybe or Karmin's new single. 

EATING: Nothing, probably should have a snack or something before bed. But nothing sooooounnndssss goooooood. (Read that in a 4 year old's whine.) 

Oh wait, mini m&m's... not the snack that I was meaning.

WORKING ON:  Writing more, taking more pictures, addressing negative emotions when I have them, going to bed before 2am, washing my face every night, flossing again... 

xoxo

happily wasted

Sheesh! It's been a few weeks since I last posted one of these babies. I felt like I had a meager supply of links and then went back and realized that I had another draft waiting to be published too! Silly.

This is a pretty great collection, I even went through my bloglovin liked list just to make sure I didn't miss too much.

Enjoy!

+ A post about love.

+ The greatest baby room inspiration.

+ Tips for blogging on a budget

+ A new to me blog to read

+ Criteria for a great job, even if it was working for someone else

+ Well, I might be out of the running to go this year but this might just be a goal for next year!

+ How to hang a collection of art pretty much perfectly

+ Feeling frustrated or insecure or low? Get some confetti and throw.

+ Elise talks about her method of taking an idea and making it a reality.

+ I'm going to be taking note and doing a quarterly review here soon... another one I guess, since I did one already. :)

xoxo

two thousand twelve: first quarter

I could say something awesome and cliche about time and it's passing slow and fast but let's be real, I say that enough as it is AND it's been done so. many. times. before. What I will say is something that I figure people can relate to. When I quickly look back at the last three months I feel like not much has changed or happened but that's not true at all. While I haven't been creating too many physical things (besides photographs) in the past three months I've been working and making changes in my life.

Sometimes life changes or shifts in perspective are hard to track. When you think of how fast time slipped away it's easy to think that nothing really happened. I mean, in January I was eating some meals, reading some books and working and now I'm eating some meals (at least three a day, don't start worrying about me), reading some books and working.

The difference, when I make the time to look for it, is that I'm eating meals yes, but I'm also working out... I'm reading some books but I'm no longer purchasing them, and yes I was working in the beginning of January, but now, oh goodness, now, I'm working much, much more.

Yes, the basics stay the same but the changes, small or large, matter. Something I have to keep reminding myself with that inner critic comes out to play. What a brat that girl is!

So where am I at with my goals that I made in January? Well, I'll tell you:

1. get a car

Done and done... there were some issues with this between my mother and I but I think we're finally (after 3 months?) coming to a place where things are starting to make sense. I have a car, it's a Chevy Cobalt, it was a good price and low miles, I have no complaints. Will I try in the far future to get a similar car to the one that was last totaled? Yes. But for now I am doing better than just okay in the car department.

2. get a full time job 

When I first wrote this I meant just get a job. Then I landed a job but I didn't have that many hours. Because of that I decided to change it to get another job and after I landed my second job I thought I wanted one full time job. At my movie theater job I find myself with just about full time (I consider full time 40 hours) and then I have the added couple to twelve hours at my tutoring job. So for right this very second I'm satisfied with this. Am I still checking for a possible great opportunity at a mind blowing company? Sure. Always keep an eye out for the almost unbelievable. But am I doing okay or better where I am at? Yes. Yes I am.

3. exercise 3 times a week for at LEAST 30 minutes

I didn't complete this one perfectly. One week I was sick, a couple others I was lazy. To give myself a pat on the back though, I did manage to work out at least one day a week every week except my birthday week. Most weeks I worked out at least twice and some I think I might have worked out four times. The habit is forming and that was my reasoning behind these numbers.

4. pay for someone behind me in a drive thru line 

I did this early in the game when I probably (definitely) couldn't afford to buy myself much less someone else a Starbucks coffee. I did it though and I thought for a second the girl was going to follow me or drive down the same road and I contemplated taking a side street so she couldn't see me. Is that weird or normal of me? I did something nice but didn't want the person to get a chance to acknowledge it. I think next time I'm going to put a little card with it that says that the pleasure was all mine and please pass on the favor or some other kind deed. 

5. complete 3 crafts 

one: photo an hour, two: word art, three: pattern painting

The photo an hour project was fun, fun fun! I think I will make a goal of doing one each quarter. I will make sure it's on a day off (haha, what are those?) so I can get everything. 

My word art was not what I expected or though of originally but it came out decent anyway. My lil sister B (not T) thought the pattern in the background was pretty rad so I took that and patted myself on the back for it.

The pattern painting I did was the most fun and the most rewarding. I actually really liked what I came up with after I was done which wasn't happening with the word art or the heart picture I did right before the pattern picture.

3 more crafts next quarter? I think yes!

6. go on at least 3 adventures

I wanted these to be farther away when I first planned it but considering my lack of a steady paycheck for most of January and catching up on bills February and March, I didn't get as far as I wanted to. Even though it takes 30 minutes to get to Balboa Park that wasn't my original meaning behind the "at least 30 minutes away" rule.

Turns out I'm okay with not fully listening to that rule I made myself and considering this checked off.

I went to Balboa by myself one day, I went to Palm Springs and made a pit stop on the way back to the dinosaurs off the 10, and last but not least I planned a meet up, went and took pictures!

Next quarter I'm re-doing this goal but I hope to make at least one of my adventures end up in Los Angeles. Like, I'm crossing fingers and toes.

7. shoot 3 rolls of 120 film either in the Holga or the Rollei (at least one of each)

I did this and then some. Two Holga rolls and one Rollei roll later and I'm set! I am lagging a bit on posting them though which is on my post list! Don't worry, I will share!

8. read 6 books 

Hahahahahahahahaha yeah. I figured this quarter/year I wouldn't be reading as much because I would have so much else to do. And now that I have two jobs and dance classes I'm getting closer to right, but in January and February I took care of all the lagging on reading that might happen. I think my count is somewhere around 30 at this point...

9.  pay off $3,000 on credit card

This was no where near successful. That being said, I have been making an effort lately (March) to get my money issues in order. As of April 8th I won't have charged anything on my credit card for a month, something I haven't been able to say in years. Seriously, years. So that's an accomplishment in and of itself. Also, I've managed to start hiding* money from myself so I can have stashed emergency funds as well as a savings account and money in my checking. It's a somewhat slow process but I'm being deliberate and paying more attention to where my money goes. Some day, hopefully sooner than later, I'll be able to put $1000/month toward my debt, but until then I'm creating habits that will ensure I won't get myself into this kind of money mess again. 

10,  say yes to one thing I would normally say no to

Did I do this? I'm not really sure here. I volunteered as a judge for a scholastic science competition. I'm not sure I would have done that in the past. I made my own meet up group because I couldn't find one that met my needs... that probably wouldn't have happened before. I'll count this one as good. Next quarter I'll be even more specific and know when I'm saying yes to something I would normally say no to.

11. make one vlog

Nope! Next quarter!



Later this week, maybe even tomorrow, I'll be posting my second quarter goals.

xoxo

Redefining and Redesigning

Sometimes the focus just isn't quite right

As you might have noticed, (I like to think you pay close, close attention to my blog and my posting habits) it's been a little quiet around here. I keep taking small breaks lasting a week or so and wondering what I want out of this little space of mine.

I know for sure that I want to connect my blog to the domain name I bought and leave clickclickcorey. As cute and fun as it is, I just don't connect to it as much as but we will stay, which has been a username of mine for years and years now. While I've had plenty of other user names over the years that I connected to at the time (cough cough sexylilbunny I'm still embarrassed about that, aneed2try, musicsmistress, ceasnail, etc oh yes something like boppy raver girl... can I just say, as my cheeks turn a little red, we were all 13-16 once and I never actually raved. ever. The only thing I did was swing glowsticks around as hula dancers do with poi and that, my friends, was the closest I ever came to raving. But clearly I digress...) 

Where was I, oh yes, but we will stay actually makes sense to me, and doesn't make me want to hide a bit in shame for whatever my teenage hormones thought I should label myself. It's all encompassing should I want to talk about books, or photography or dust mites in Sri Lanka. Don't worry, I don't think I want to talk about dust mites in Sri Lanka, but if I did I wouldn't have to worry about throwing anyone off because my name mainly concerns photography (click click like a shutter...). 

Enough explaining on that point. Moving on...

Not only do I want to retire click click corey and fully commit to but we will stay, I've also been very tired with my blog design. Seriously if I had to look at it one more time I might scream or gag or, well, keep taking blog breaks. I love looking through blogs and writing posts but for some reason I still feel like something isn't right when I publish. I read through the words again and find that I like them even more than I thought, I look at the images and like them as well, but something still doesn't sit right.

I realize it's like when I don't want to go home because I'm not happy with the layout, color, bedding and art in my room. While certain parts look great, my small camera collection, my little bookshelf, etc, other parts just constantly nag at my mind, like the bedskirt that doesn't match my crocheted blankets or the walls being yellow which makes any picture I take have a yellow hue, even worse at night when the bedside lamp is my only light. 

Small things yes, but my goodness they grate on the nerves.

Unfortunately I am no html or css wizard, nor a wizard's apprentice... heck I tried using a step by step tutorial on how to make my own simple blogger template and I found myself stuck on the part where it said (in what it figured were layman's terms) copy the html document and rename it as an xml document and then open it with your favorite text editor. Okay, tried, but every time I opened it, there was no html code, just a webpage looking document. Awesome. 

Last week I decided there was a no blogging rule besides my 52 photos in 52 weeks. I need to keep track of that for myself and didn't want to stop with a good trend. So I kept that, but any time I thought to blog about something else I stopped myself. I needed some time to think.

During this time I happened upon a post at Wake Up Lovely about the downside to blogging and why that made her disappear from the page from time to time. 

I totally got what she was saying. As if my first two reasons weren't enough to keep me wary every time I typed in blogger, I was also constantly comparing myself to these other bloggers and wondering how they have so much more or better of this and I, well, I always fell short. 

Honestly, I think frustrated and unsure of how to move forward are two emotions I very much feel in just about every part of my life right now. That is the final reason for not showing up to the page. I do that with my personal journaling too. When something really good seems to be happening I don't write about it because I'm afraid I've jinxed it by writing it down, if something frustrating or negative or upsetting is happening I don't write about it because I don't feel like I can get the words out. 

So that's where I'm at. I'm tempted to start saving to pay for some layout services, but then I feel guilty, like I should just teach myself how to do it. Oh a "should." That's worse than any four letter word I've ever heard. (Oooh a rhyme!) 

For now I'll use one of the blogger templates, a clean, simple one that gets somewhat close to what I want and spend time thinking about the different pieces and color scheme I want. I have a pretty good idea, but it's just about getting those things onto the web. 

Oh yes, and calling Go Daddy to make my domain name connect to here. 

I guess a little time figuring out what's next in life wouldn't hurt either. ;)

xoxo

52 photos in 52 weeks: Week 15

Look at this little man. He's so adorable. We're making squishy faces at each other across the table in between shaking our heads back and forth. 

This is not my best photo of the year, not even of the week, but it's the cutest and it has the best memory.

While I am working bit by bit to improve my photography I'm also just trying to get more memories in and appreciate them even if the picture isn't perfect. I mean, am I really going to care in 5 or more years when I look at this and smile and see how much Baby B has grown? No. I'm going to think back to that Tuesday (well, I probably won't remember it was a Tuesday) when Baby B, Mama Shay and I went to Souplantation and Baby B was being his cute, playful self. He melts my heart a whole bunch.

I mean, that's how he does squishy face! Mama taught him how to do squishy face, or at least the beginning motions, he doest have the right pressure down yet, but he does what he knows frequently. Adorable. 

When did I become old enough to have friends with toddlers?

It's really not such a bad thing, I couldn't resist a face like this if I tried.

xoxo

52 photos in 52 weeks: Week 14

I'm coming up blank this week on what to say about these picture or life. It's a process and change is in progress and most days I'm okay with how things are going. I'm learning to accept the slow changes and appreciate the work and time that goes into making healthy habits and leaving unhealthy ones.

Hope all is well out there. I would love to hear from you all more. :)

xoxo

A Beginner's Education

To begin I want to say I wrote this a while back, like months and months back. But I find it to be mostly if not totally relevant still, especially since I've been working with more cameras and I'm coming to a point where I'm going to learn the manual mode of my DSLR. All that I think about here is going to be important in this journey. I must learn over and over again that it's okay to be a beginner.

Lately I've been doing some things, taking some steps to get out of a mental rut I get in from time to time. The one that says I can't do things or that I shouldn't do things... The one that does the same thing day in and day out and doesn't get excited about much and sleeps as much as possible.

I've always looked at the art classes in college catalogs. I even branched out a couple of times and took some. In high school I took painting and drawing, in college I took painting and I had a brief, very brief introduction to photography, with dark room activities in high school.

I've been through obsessions with piano, guitar, violin, painting, drawing, collaging, crocheting, photography, writing, etc. 

In high school I was really unaccepting of personal failure and I was NOT allowed to be a beginner at things. If I was bad at something in the beginning I figured it was a personal defect and reflected negatively on me. 

That feeling actually started way before high school. I remember trying to draw an outline of a state from a big book of states I had and getting so mad at myself I threw a tantrum and my mom finally helped me by showing me how I could trace over it. 

To my mind, everything I did had to be at the very least good. If I was allowed to be a beginner I had to be the best beginner there was.

After the first two years of college, when I moved to Portland and became involved in a new environment, the tight lead I had on my beginner self slackened just the tiniest bit. I found a way to write papers for school that wouldn't leave me bawling before I typed the introduction sentence. 

I learned how to sing sometimes in front of friends, (definitely only sometimes) and I let myself make things every once in a while.

When I moved back to San Diego after graduating something finally changed. It was small and stayed small for a couple of years but it was like the beginning of the break through.

I started taking pictures with Holga and Diana cameras, I started taking polaroid pictures with first stage film. Some (many) of the shots turned out horrible. I even cried after I got back two rolls of film with maybe 3 or 4 pictures between the 48 possible exposures that I liked. But I didn't stop. I don't know what made this different than some of my other hobbies, or the painting classes I took where my creations were left half done at the end of the term. But something in me wanted to keep trying. 

When I moved back to Portland (yet again) there was a lot to let go of. In the past year I have happened upon some wonderful books that have inspired me to try everything again. To try things I've been pulled towards for years but stayed away from due to perfectionism and the inability to be a beginner.

I'm slowly but surely being nicer to myself about everything. I don't beat myself up anymore when some shots from the polaroid come out wrong, or when the sentence doesn't seem quite right on this blog. I do the best I can and learn with each mistake.

This term I signed up for a class on Holga photography. The class was scheduled to meet only three times and is not for credit but I jumped at the chance and I am so very happy I did.

I've learned simple things to help me with my plastic camera photography, ways to make things a little closer to how I want them and ways to lessen the frustration.

Best of all, when shooting the rolls of film I am excited again. If some shots don't print the way I thought they would I don't stress out or blame myself. 

Maybe next term I'll take a darkroom class or maybe a painting class... I've even thought about taking a piano and keyboard class. I'm ready to be a beginner. I'm ready for shitty first drafts, I'm ready to provide quantity and let quality come as it may.

Maybe now that I have learned to be crappy I'll be able to create something pretty!

xoxo

52 photos in 52 weeks: Week 13

This week was full of things per usual. Work, fun times at work, lunch with dad, a little bit of brunch with some friends on Saturday, not enough time to catch up with those friends, and another toy camera meet up hosted by yours truly. 

April brings the second quarter of the year and while I thought I had all of my goals laid out the past week brought some needs to my attention. So I'll be reworking those with my new-ish goals in mind and I'll share by the end of the week. 

But no more of those odds and ends... first picture is of my dad. We went to lunch and he listened to a voice mail. I quickly snapped a picture. I need more pictures of my family. I'm lacking a bit. Once the kids start growing I can imagine it's hard to keep everyone in one place long enough to capture the moment.

I'm just going to have to get less and less shy about taking pictures of people, especially friends and family.

Saturday brought brunch with some good friends at Pipes Cafe. While it was delicious, it was way too much and I'm finally, finally learning that breakfast like this isn't worth it. No matter how good it tastes at the moment the side effects of drowsiness and emotional drop just isn't worth it. Next time I'll probably get greek yogurt and stuff at home and then go with and maybe get toast or something. Or just a coffee. Again, nothing against Pipes Cafe. It's delicious, and if your body isn't super sensitive to this kind of breakfast food I suggest this place over and over again, but I just don't want to feel like that again. Seriously felt on the verge of tears and so sad about life. Massive sugar drop anyone? Yeahhh.

I love how this picture turned out from yesterday. I don't know what else there is to say about it. I just love it. There will be more pictures from my second meet up coming soon. Hopefully by Wednesday.

Well, here's to more than one picture each week for the first quarter! Three more to go and with this lovely camera of mine there should be no slowing down!

xoxo