Lately

I feel like I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off lately and I'm not excited about it. These next few weeks are going to be about making space and time for calm as well as deciding what's coming up next. Changes are on their way, I'm not liking something, so I'm changing it.

Lately I've been...

Listening to /// The newest Mumford and Sons. Nothing much new besides that.

Watching ///
Parenthood - It's the best. I am so addicted and I feel like it's incredibly therapeutic. Life doesn't ever get "easier," it is never without challenges. But that's okay, and for it to feel hard sometimes and to face challenges is absolutely normal, I am not lacking in any adult gene.
Nashville - oh the drama! It's nothing like the city I am a part of, but I am sure me and the singers trying to make it big run in different circles. I did see Deacon out and about a couple weeks ago though. That was awesome.

Reading ///
Big Magic - I have been forcing myself to take a break from self-improvement books but I did allow myself to read this and that was wonderful because it's not like a self-improvement book. I don't feel the need to make a bunch of new plans and then punish myself for not carrying them all out. Big Magic is wonderfully inspiring in the calmest of ways.
See Me - I have been finding myself missing the beginning of this story the past few days. This is a little bit of a who done it which I don't feel like is typical style of Sparks, but it still kept me up reading for hours.
The Irresistible Blueberry Bakeshop & Cafe - Fun easy read, wonderful and funny storyline. Chick lit definitely.

Cooking///
Cashew Chicken
Baked Apple Cider Donuts
Chicken Avocado Lime Soup
Pra Ram
Blueberry Muffins
Noodle, egg and spinach soup
M'Jaddarah
Peanut Butter Banana Bites

Thinking about /// How strange people can be to guard themselves. How beautiful life can feel. Also how hard it can feel for almost no reason.

Loving /// Fall weather, changing leaves, you know, the basic stuff.

Looking forward to /// More Fall weather, stick with us please!!!

xoxo

Fixed

Burn out. Burned out. Going through chunks of the day forcing myself to focus, wondering what in the hell I am doing. I feel like I keep pushing with all my body weight but I only get an inch further after hours and hours of exertion. My body isn't fighting what I need it to fight for several months now. Reason: Stress.

When I start to get burned out I try to find answers and solutions, I try to find where I am putting too much in and getting very little out, I try to find where I could work smarter, not harder. I look outside, at jobs (because I often have more than one), relationships, monetary obligations. I find things to blame and then investigate, is that the truth? Or is that just easier to be frustrated with than whatever the truth is.
I was feeling incredibly burned out this past week month, like don't-get-me-out-of-bed-but-wait-I-can't-sleep-anyway kind of burned out. I've tapped my resources, I'm coming up just a little over empty. I thought I knew what it was, I poked and prodded at the situation in my mind, I felt justified and fed up. It couldn't possibly be something in me, look at all that I was doing, making doctors appointments that I had long put off, getting my medications in line, starting probiotics, seeking people in similar situations, finding different options than the dreaded tinder, making plans, reading books, gaining knowledge...it had to be this one thing, right? It just had to be.

And then I was forced to face what I felt so justified against, my scapegoat, the thing I thought was leeching my energy.

I may have been at least partially wrong.

I spent the weekend after asking myself questions, trying to figure out what's really going on and what I want to be asking for. I had more information, but still not many answers. I made sure to take some more time out, got a shift covered so I could go to a dance class I have been wondering about. I agreed to a date, I allowed myself to look for some clothes to add to my limited wardrobe. I added a little bit of fun.
The dance class was amazing, I went into the date with little expectation (necessary when dealing with dating apps) and was wonderfully surprised, made cinnamon rolls for some fellow workers, and still, after those good things, I found myself burned out again yesterday.
I was having a long conversation with a friend covering many topics I don't like investigating, a conversation that, to me, highlighted all my broken parts, all the areas I don't feel sufficient. He was trying to be helpful and offer suggestions and all I could say is, "I've already thought of that" and "I've done/tried that too." I was irritable and sad, burned out on myself and how much there seemed to be left to fix. I felt like I've been working on changing the way I think for years now, that I've been trying to train my brain and wrestle it into submission since I first started battling angst at around 14.
The wrestling, the submission, that's the burn out. The thinking I need to be fixed and there's just so much to do...

It needs to stop.

I left my face-in-hand burn out posture and got in my car to go from one job to the next and I thought about the words I was using to describe myself. I had to be "fixed" in order to be happy. How awful is it to feel constantly broken, in need of tweeks and tape.

I've been able to pretend from time to time that I don't think that I need to be fixed anymore, that I am enough, as is, demon/baggage/perfectionism gone. I've kept this up for months at a time, usually when I move somewhere new. Byeeee excess baggage, you can stay in whatever city I left. But that's just another wrestle. The "you are lazy" plays alongside the "you aren't fulfilling your potential" tape softly in the background, so soft that I don't even realize it's there until I find myself staring at a computer screen, forcing myself to work while holding back tears I don't understand.

I'm tired. I want to work with myself, not against myself. I don't know how people let themselves off the hook. I've tried, I've read affirmations, I've said affirmations out loud, I've talked to people who think I'm pretty decent wonderful, I've thought I was pretty decent awesome for hours at a time. But it still in the back ground it softly plays, "time to do some more fixing if you want xyz".

Despite the burn out I soldier on. My work gets done, I laugh and cry and keep going through the motions. I look for new things to try. Reasons, explanations, and probably quick fixes.

I've sat on this post for a while, I don't want people who are just getting to know me, or who don't know me at all to think that this is all there is. On the other hand I do want to write my truth, I don't like pretending that everything is sunshine and roses when it's really a little gray and tumultuous, and also, I hope that it's helpful for other people in 20's wondering if they are alone in their burn out.
I don't get to hid behind/escape with alcohol and bar crawls, fancy food and laying out in the sun, my body basically forbids it. I've decided that this is prevention for a mid life crisis, that when I really figure out my voice, my needs and wants, and get through the cyclical burnout, that I'll have made a really incredible foundation for the rest of my life. No red corvette needed.

I need to decide what works for me, and stick to that. Is that a start? Can we call it something other than a fix?

xoxo

Golden Coast Road Trip

(pictures lost in blog transitions)

This trip was a whirlwind to say the least. Getting off the plane to light, humidity free sea air, three days home in San Diego saying hi to family, getting meals, spending a night at my favorite country bar, tearing up on the beach at night, and then getting into my rental car to drive up the coast. Stopping in Santa Monica for Pier Burger and some pictures, staying with a friend half way between San Diego and San Francisco, in wine country. Then heading out early to make a pit stop at Montaña de Oro, getting back on the road making slow time to San Francisco. The colorful houses, the Sutro Baths at Land's End... gorgeous places I hadn't explored in visits passed.

Then one of my closest/longest friend's wedding. A beautiful event, catching up with people I haven't seen in years, a little bit of dancing and some donuts. The last day getting up really, really early to see the Golden Gate Bridge from below, walk around Fisherman's Wharf before it really started opening up and then going back to the Sutro Baths one last time to make friends with the crabs and walk across the ruins.

Stopping off for some last minute chatting with the new bride and groom and then getting back on a plane to Nashville.

This time was for adventure and celebration, next time will be for catching up.

xoxo

The Good In Tennessee

The last time I posted about Nashville it was informative but probably not all that positive, and then last week I talked about finding the beauty in where I am as if it's where I'm staying forever... so here's to that.

The good in Tennessee.

- People are pretty nice here, a lot of them aren't locals but I think a lot of us that have come from non-southern locations are doing our best to keep southern hospitality. It probably doesn't look quite the same, but we're trying.

- BBQ. Delicious. Hot Chicken. Oh so good. So, before I go on and on, the food. The food is good (and heavy) here.

- You can get to farms and small towns in a short drive. I can find views of horses and farms in just about any direction 30+ minutes tops.

- There is water! San Diego is still in a drought even though they had some rain, but here I don't have to worry about the length of my shower, I don't have to worry about watering a lawn (I don't have a lawn but if I did...), I can wash my dishes and a load of laundry and even shower if I want at the same time without worry about getting charged (I might be worrying about the temperature of the water at that point though.)

- I drove behind a tractor pulling a HUGE load of hay! I was five minutes from my house!

- The servers at Waffle House. I just experienced that experience. Special is the word I have for the stories I heard in a 45 minute span. It was also 2am. Prime Waffle House time I think.

- Being that we are mostly a group of people from other places we get that it's hard to go somewhere new and not know too many people. I would say it's definitely easier to make friends here and get people to do things than it was when I moved to Portland.

- Summer nights, even when there's no plans. Sitting on my balcony just listening to the sounds, wrapped in the humid air. I didn't think that would be a huge positive on my list, but here I am, a little in love.

- Luke Bryan lives here... and I've seen him. I've even said hi, and handed him a menu. Once I even put a plate of food down at his table... (did you think of Mean Girls? I did.) Which was listed before, but I'm listing it again.

- The gas here is significantly cheaper than San Diego. Or it was when I moved here and I just kept believing that's true.

- Downtown Franklin during the holidays is absolutely charming and wonderful

- The old houses! Oh my goodness I could fall in love with these huge houses, mansions if you will. Colonnades, wrap around porches and long driveways! They are beautiful all year round, and in the snow, they were absolutely breathtaking.

- Back roads to just about anywhere I want to go. Yes, it will take me longer, but the views are so very worth it.

- Interlibrary Loan - if the 20 libraries in Nashville city don't have it, they can request it from other cities and states!

I think that this is just the beginning, here's to more posts like this.

To be continued...

xoxo

An Argument for Staying Put

I've been on the run for years now. Always wanting to go somewhere other than where I was am. Getting lost in other people's pictures of adventures around the world, or even just around the states. I moved to Portland three times because the forests seemed greener... I moved back to San Diego three times because the palm trees seemed cheerier.

Then I moved to Nashville, and about two months in I realized things were nothing like I expected or wanted them to be. Since then my mind has been up to it's old tricks, looking for the next place to roam. The next place that will ultimately disappoint, not because of anything it lacks, but because I don't know how to stay. I've been avoiding commitment with Nashville, I've been looking at all the other places there are to go. I'm wondering how fair that is to myself. Nashville and Tennessee don't care, they have people flocking here daily, but me, for peace of mind, for happiness, is this constant "pick up and go" fair?

I am limited lately, which may be a blessing in disguise or a lesson I am finally going to sit down and learn. So here I stay. While I stay here I could continue to dream of all the other places I could go... back home, Colorado, Montana, the Carolinas... but I would just be continuing to make myself a touch miserable.

There needs to be a balance. I am definitely allowed to want to see the states. I can dream all I want of cross country road trips, hiking in Arizona and Utah (in the cooler but not cold months, let's be real here), watching the sun rise again at Horseshoe Bend, those are allowed to be goals. But they can't be the only goals. It's time to start making an effort with Nashville again, finding the little bits of things I want, making connections, making this place home. I don't have to be here forever, but maybe I should start acting like I will be. Start making the best of it like there are no other options. Start giving this space a little more respect.

I chose to be here. I drove from San Diego with just about all I own crammed in my car to check this out. It's not Tennessee's job to impress me, she's not the one who loses out. I wanted to be here. It's my job to stay put for a while, it's my job to make the most of it. It's my job to find what I am looking for, right where I am.

It's no where else. It's all inside.

So here's to staying put, and somehow embarking on far more treacherous and challenging journeys, right at home, in my mind.

xoxo

About Nashville

Nine months in, this is what I have learned about Nashville thus far...

Each street has at least three names, one of which might be a number. Confusing? Yes.

Nashville is very much about music, and while it has a lot of country spots, it's not as country as I thought it would be.

There are very few line dancing bars, the ones we do have are as follows:
Wild Horse: very family friendly, they bank on tourism
Whiskey Dix: outside of city center about 35-40 minutes, college bar for the most part, two rooms, country and hip hop, free cover for ladies before 10pm AND free long necks until 11
Silverados: Underneath a bridge about 20 minutes from city center, not in the best neighborhood BUT they play older country until about 10:30 and then they mix some hip hop/pop in, $8 cover and free long necks until 11

Broadway will either dazzle or repel you. Give it some time, a portion of your money (they thrive with tourism) take a drink or two, and you won't be able to help but love it at least a little.

McKay's is where you want to be for used books and music.

Finding people originally from Nashville in the city proper is like finding a unicorn, so many transplants here.

There are traffic lights that do the normal, red yellow green thing but then at certain times of the day they just flash yellow. This is not the same as flashing red. I'm sorry to the person behind me.

Yellow to red lights here mean "just a couple more please", not slow down and stop now.

The HOV/Carpool lane can be used by all except for the hours between 4-6. That one really blew my mind.

Nashville and Portland, Oregon share a lot, and I mean a lot of similarities in the styles and hang out spots of younger generations. There's a significant show of man buns/long hair, beards, somewhat tight pants, skinny bodies, frayed shirts, microbreweries, coffee shops, thick framed glasses, fedoras and somewhat fancy shoes. Not going to lie, I was looking more for cowboy boots, flannel, baseball caps and two steppin venues. I'm not completely out of luck, just less options than previously anticipated.

Speaking of two steppin... there isn't much of that happening even at the country bars listed above! They have other partner dances that they seem to prefer more.

It gets cold. I mean, if you're from a snowing state, then... no, it doesn't get cold. But if your from the West Coast... it gets cold. It also gets hot. It's summer and I'm sometimes melting.

Sometimes it does snow, and that one inch might even stick, but it'll melt by afternoon. Enjoy it, make muddy snowmen, take pictures, breathe it in, and then let it go. Appreciate that you don't have to shovel anything.

***Then live through icepocolypse 2015 where Nashville was shut down for 2 days and only got up and running completely after about 6 when one to two inches of ice and snow came down and the temperatures didn't reach above 35.

It's humid, constantly. I don't think this is a bad thing, I wish it helped the static that is often present in my hair during winter, but alas it does not.

Being just about 29, single, never married and with no children is not as normal here as it is in San Diego. Being 29, married with children is totally normal and expected here. Never seen so many young parents in my life. Welcome to the South. I want to note that I am not judging negatively on this, at all. I just happen to feel behind sometimes when out on the weekend.

There is one Trader Joe's. It's in the worst traffic area of Nashville (in my humble opinion) otherwise known as Green Hills. Don't go around 1:30-2 when school is getting out if you're going south after, you'll end up eating your snacks before you get home.

There are no Starbucks in East Nash.

Potholes can be filled and back again within what seems like a week. After the snow is a rousing game of dodge the pothole on any given road!

Luke Bryan does go out to eat with his family as does Alan Jackson... both go to a restaurant I worked at when I first moved here. Definitely one of the highlights of working there. I. talked. to. Luke. Bryan. I thought I wasn't a fan girl. I was wrong.

If you go to Broadway and find someone cute, chances are they are not from here. Stick with Demonbreun or Midtown for a few more locals.

Nashville is growing like crazy, traffic is starting to take after San Diego rush hour, mostly because there are fewer lanes here and so. many. people.

I'd be lying if I said I was in love with Nashville. I'm not. I like it well enough, but am I convinced that this is my forever place? No. Maybe I just haven't found my part yet, I'm not sure. But I'm going to keep trying and exploring.

xoxo

Montana

How do I even start my story about Montana? With a sigh? With a tear? Maybe a little of both and a hint of a smile. Montana. It started May 1st, I met a man (off of Tinder) who was here visiting, recording an album. I didn't think much of it before we met, and the plan to meet wasn't set in stone. It was my favorite, non committal type of plan, if we're both in the same place at the same time, then we'll meet. No expectations, no pressure.

We ended up at the same place, at the same time. I had met a few of my out of town friends in the busiest most touristy part of town but they weren't able to stay long and so I had some options of people to meet up with next. I sent a message and went to one of my favorite bars right off of Broadway. It shares it's name with a movie, there's no cover for females and if you're brave (or just really liquored up) you have a platform to dance on. It was but a quarter of an hour at most before I got the text of arrival, I turn around and there he was, looking better than the pictures I had swiped right on. It was a moment, one of those where things just click, where there's no one else in the room, where there's a straight path from you to them. That moment turned into a full night of picking songs at that favorite place, of trying to beat the crowd and find somewhere to partner dance, of feeling like a queen walking around with her real deal cowboy date. He bought me a rose from a guy in the street, and I didn't stop him. We walked the pedestrian bridge and laughed about all sorts of things. There was a moment a second too late where I wondered if he had just been about to kiss me, and then so many second after trying to recreate that space so it might happen.

There was an adventure out to the Parthenon at 2:30am because it wasn't time to go home yet, home meant him leaving in the morning and I wasn't ready. We walked around, we hid from possible cop cars, and another of those moments, but still mostly friendly banter. Then back to the parking lot where his car was, trading opinions on country music, and then him saying it was time to dance, right there, music playing from the car. Laughing because dancing on an unkept parking lot surface is so much different than wood floors. Talking and talking about nothing and everything because it wasn't time to go but we weren't ready to make the move forward. And then finally calling it, him walking me to my car, me getting in and just looking at him, and then getting back out. A goodnight kiss that was everything it needed to be and nothing more.

An amazing first date.

Go through then, a montage of daily text messages and then moving up to phone calls. Questions, questions, questions about past, present and future. The work of getting to know someone. The frustrations and limitations of work schedules and distances. He living in Texas, a place I had left my ex because of distance almost a year before. An attempt from him to come back here and then the invitation for me visit on his trip back home. A state I had never been in, but had been thinking about going to... Montana.

Two weeks later I was on a plane, ticket paid for, feeling once again quite like a queen in cowgirl boots. Antsy for hours at a time and then I arrived, in that small airport of Missoula. I walked out of the airport to a sky that I'm sure I'll never forget. Quiet, calm, spotted with clouds, mountains in the distance with frames of trees. He picked me up in a diesel truck and off we went. We drove for over an hour, windows down, my hand out taking it all in. The sky, the mountains, the trees, the wide open spaces, the small towns with small shops and then more sky, mountains, trees and wide open spaces. So much space to breathe.

The four days passed slow and fast, a blur of pups running up to the truck as we came up the dirt road, the room that was ours, horseback rides up a mountain, off trails, curious cows and a horse that needed shoes. Riding in a rusted truck seatbelts off, the shooting of guns in an open field and nights on his friends' porch. There was a night where he played and sang some of his songs while the puppy kept me warm, curled up on my lap, I could have stayed there for a very, very long time. There were chickens and pigs and talks of hay and curiosities about farm life answered. And that view, the big sky, mountains framed with trees, it held me attention completely.

It ended too soon, I would given a lot to stay just a few more days. I left with tears rolling down my face, kicking and screaming on the inside. I took a chance, I pushed my boundaries and regardless of the tears that may be in my eyes right now, I am very glad I did. It was everything I wanted it to be while it was. Montana and the man left some big shoes to fill.

xoxo

Breaking Up - A Year Later

This was always going to be hard to write about. I went up and down in feelings for much longer than I anticipated. Much, much longer. They say half the time you are together with someone and that should be the amount of time you take to get over it. That might be true for some, but it wasn't true for me. It's not that I thought we needed to be back together, I figured we would have been even more painfully torn apart if I had stayed, but it's hard deciding to end things with a best friend.
I'm often embarrassed by how "long" it has taken me, how sometimes I still remember a little something and I have to take a deep breath. I'm suppose to be strong and independent... I moved across the country by myself for heaven's sake. Then there's also the fact that he moved on months ago, MONTHS. And how the discovery of that hit like a ten ton truck. It wasn't just the finding out, but the fact that it was posted like I never was, for everyone to see, heart eyes and all.

About three months ago I told the heartbreaking story of the last night to a good friend, and I cried again because it still felt pretty new. But there was something in that telling that was different than all the other tellings. Somehow that telling released me, and deep in the depths I guess I decided I was okay again. I noticed it with a song. Driving a few days later it came on the radio and instead of turning it off immediately I enjoyed it as I had more than a year before, completely separate from the meaning it had grown. I didn't remember or notice the ease until it was almost over. But when I did I marveled and wondered what had switched and most importantly I took that as a good sign.

The truth, a year later is as such: I loved him very much. I didn't love myself very much. During the first 6 months I went back and forth from questioning my decision to being very sure it had been right. It took longer than I expected to be even partially at peace. The truth is we aren't right for each other anymore, but I am glad we were then. I'm glad I got to experience all that I did with him for so many reasons.

I meant to post this a while back, and since thinking I had posted it I have found myself in another break up situation. This one hurt different, but I'll save that for another time.



xoxo

Lately

Lately...

I've been working, I got myself a second job after being with only a 3/4 time job (better than part time don't you think) for about a month and a half so things are looking a little more stable financially. Well, that is, they were, until we got noticed at my apartment that it the rent is raising and we need to agree to another year... neither I nor my roommate are interested in that so it's to the internets I went a searching. After not too much hard work and a lot of good thoughts into the universe I found an adorable place. I'll be moving farther south to an apartment with a great view as seen above (let's hope people don't buy and build in the next 6 months) and a new friend. While it wasn't an ideal time money wise, it is definitely a push I needed. I'm really excited.

I've been going back and forth on using Tinder. I'm not one who believes heavily in internet dating for myself, I'm a bit of a strange bird when it comes to dating in general, so Tinder is a bit of a game, but it's an addicting and while also annoying I just can't seem to quit it fully. I did stop for a while because I found myself uninterested in actually meeting the guys I was matched with, but then I got bored or lonely or frustrated with the lack of single men I come across weekly and went back on it. I ALMOST met up with someone but they showed their true colors right before and so it just wasn't meant to be. It was comical though, someday I'll probably tell you the story. Last weekend though I met up with a few different guys from it, they didn't start as dates which is perfect for me, way less pressure. But one turned into an awesome night that I will never forget that included a rose, dancing in parking lots and a 3am trip to the Parthenon. That was a win.

I have been watching a lot of tv and movies via netflix and checking them out from the library. I went and saw The Longest Ride in theaters with a friend of mine and about died. There's a rodeo coming in May, guess who's goin. This girl.

At work I've been figuring out how to feel like I've done enough for each day, how to structure my work with the assignments that I get handed. I am fine tuning existing procedures and adding some things here and there. I'm working most on being present and finding solutions for my frustrations rather than think it's time to do something else. I have a pretty amazing situation going on here, and I want to make it even better.

I've started reading this amazing book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. and ladies, this is a game changer. I don't think I've written much on here about my human sexuality studies over the years, but this book... this book should be required reading for women. It's not the bs you read in Cosmo/Glamour/Women's Health about all the tricks and tips to better satisfy xyz, this is a self improvement you-are-completely-normal-even-if-none-of-your-friends-have-that-same-experience kind of book. It's about how desire isn't a switch you just turn on. This is monumental. Well, it could be monumental if many woman and even some men read it. I'll be posting more about it I'm sure. I'm in love with this book.

It's been a mix. I was feeling really low for a couple weeks and then snapped out of it and had a really awesome following few days. I know that technically being happy is a choice, but sometimes we make that choice, or we try our best to make that choice and either we aren't ready or we haven't been convinced yet. And then something snaps into place, it just clicks over and everything is fine and wonderful again. I think it helped that the sun came out and it got warm. The warm parts of Spring are my favorite.

How have you been?

xoxo

Nashville Six Months In

I don't know where to start with this, I promised myself that this would be a positive space but I also promised myself that this would be an honest space. I want you to know from the beginning of this post that a great many good things have happened in my move here, I also want you to know that Nashville is nothing like I dreamed it would be. To those of you who are looking to move here for the country music scene I would say look elsewhere. (Or maybe look in different place than I have?) I feel silly in admitting that I was looking for a country mecca with a city close by, but it's true. I was looking for big trucks, country in many bars and boots... all the boots.

It's hard to write this, because there are many good things about Nashville. It's a city that just keeps growing (bad for traffic, good for jobs and diversity), it's creative and collaborative, there are many, many opportunities for music here. I think it still is the country music capital even though many try to deny or drop the "country" from the title. People still travel here far and wide to kick off their country careers and yet...

What is definitely prevalent here is a fashion and foodie scene. I'm seeing things that were trending in Portland, Oregon three years ago making it big here now. (Man buns anyone) I loved Portland for what it was when I was there, but I also left for a reason. Besides gourmet/artisan/creative donuts and pizza I really am not a foodie (and we don't yet have creative donuts here). I like Chipotle, sometimes Panera, and other basic things. I don't want to eat at restaurants that serve foofy things at high prices. Give me normal green beans or chicken or beef or potatoes, please go easy on the cheese mixed in to everything, please go easy on the things I can't pronounce. I am adventurous when it comes to taking road trips and looking for good places to take pictures but when it comes to food, no thanks. I'll save myself the stomach ache. The good news is that I have finally given myself permission to not care about all the restaurants here, they have come off my list of places to go try.

Nashville city proper is a great place for many young people. I see the charm, I see why people boast about how great it is here, I totally get it. There are cute shops and so much choice with food and local beer and different coffee shops, but like I said, all that makes me feel sort of like I'm living in Portland again, with more humidity.

I recently was talking to a client while on a job and she told me that it could take a couple years to really settle in, that she had moved out here from California and it took a good chunk of time to adjust. I took this as good news. I had been hard on myself up until that point wondering why I hadn't found my place and why I was still feeling lonely. Time... it just takes time.

I admit that I am lonely and miss the comfort of home. While I do have friends out here they aren't really ones I can meet up with every Monday night at the local bar or talk about anything and everything with...yet. I had at least a couple friends in San Diego that have known me for years and who don't think I'm all that wild or foul mouthed... here things at least pretend to be a little more proper and I'm still figuring out where I fit in to that. Up until Sunday I didn't think I had anyone to go try and find rodeos or country bars with... I figured I would have to go it alone and sometimes that kind of task is too daunting. I will drive a lot of places by myself, I will vacation by myself, but go to a bar alone, I have to already be out and with friends and then leave them, and even then, the bar has to have a good place to dance... preferably a bar top. I have odd standards at times, I know.

The good:
I have a group of creative friends to adventure with, I recently found that one of the group also came here for country so her and I are going country exploring... we are determined. I have a Target pretty close to my house, it hasn't been very hard for me to find work, I have a schedule that falls pretty in line with what I thought I wanted, I have an opportunity to do exactly what I thought I wanted to do at one of my jobs (the jury is still out on if I will continue to want to do it, but it is a huge learning opportunity and it's a heavily supported position, so I have definitely won there) and I get to drive by horses and cows and see how another state operates. I can take longer showers because we are definitely not in a drought here, my room is humongous and the library is very close so I have a plethora of book choices at all times, there is fried chicken here and not just KFC, there is hot chicken here which I dare to try every once in a while and the side roads are gorgeous for a sunny afternoon drive.

All in all, six months in is a little rough around the edges. I'm hopeful though. Moving to Nashville has been and continues to be a huge learning experience. I have been learning about myself, I have been learning how to better take care of myself, I have been learning more about what I do and don't want, I have been meeting interesting people and I still have at least six months to fall in love with this place. Six months of warmer weather and completely new experiences. There are still so many things to do, and places to see. Crossing fingers and toes that I find a little more of what I'm looking for.

xoxo

Permission Granted

For many year I have stifled myself. I know I am not alone in this. The worst part, I (we) don't realize we are doing it. It's a curse of perfectionism, of living up to this movie screen montage of what life is "suppose" to look like. Well, I'm tired, and I want to feel joy instead of make sure it looks like I'm feeling joy. I'm giving myself permission to let go of perfectionism, and it looks just a little like this:

I hereby proclaim permission granted for the following:

To do what I feel I need to do in order to create a beautiful and fulfilling life. If that means saving one quarter and racking up a little bit of debt (on worthwhile, long term things) the next or vice versa then so be it. If it means leaving a decent man to chase an idea of something, fine.

To be exactly who I am... Apologize when it comes out a little too rough, but also know that grace is real and it happens to the best of us.

Leave a relationship that just isn't working. Work, friend, love, business deals, hair length (it can totally be a relationship), fashion trend...

Wear what I want to wear.

Leave a job if it feels really stifling (as long as I've done my part to communicate my needs and try to make it work).

Take a nap when my body is feeling tired, when the sun is shining in just right and my bed looks like a wonderland.

Speak up.

Eff up. It's going to happen. Push past my dear.

Love the crap out of shows like Pretty Little Liars and Hart of Dixie. Justify it by telling myself "at least it's not Desperate Housewives of ________________." Who cares.

Get excited, about anything. Chipmunks, they are exciting and cute and wonderful and we don't see them in Southern California, get excited about them. Get excited about caftans because Gala Darling looked like she had an awesome vacation in them and they look so airy and wonderful for the warmer months. Get excited about glitter or all black or Carmex chapstick in a tube instead of in a pot. I don't care. Permission granted, get excited.

Like trendy shit. Don't like trendy shit. Hate it and eventually be that b who comes around and likes it months and months later because she couldn't stand that everyone was talking about it at first. Be "wrong", change my mind, change it back. Love it, hate it... respect others ability to do the same.

Stop liking things I loved before if it just isn't feeling good anymore. Times change. It's okay.

Believe that the life I want is absolutely and totally possible. The pay I want is achievable and more than reasonable. The experiences I want to have are not unheard of. The places I want to go are easy to reach. The people that I want to meet exist. So on and so forth...

Believe that life is an ultimately positive experience.

Waste hours perusing beautiful blog posts and pinterest boards. If my work is done and I'm inspired (not envious) then have at it.

+++

Access Denied:
Self loathing, nit picking, unrealistic expectations. None of that is fun and even worse, none of that gets anything done. Nothing and everything in life is super serious. Keep going, you don't suck even when you do sucky things... do your best at what you want to do your best at.

xoxo

Grocery Cart

This morning I opened bloglovin before journaling gratitude. Normally that is a misstep, normally (or what I want to be normally) I drink water right after I wake (that really don't happen yet, but it's my new intention) and I either get dressed for the gym (mon, wed, fri) or I get some breakfast and sit down with my journal. I'm having a bit of a time figuring out the details exactly, balancing the variables and the expectations. I'm quick to jump in and demand the world of myself, but it doesn't stick. So I'm working on reasonable, small steps paired with routines to get me where I want to go.

That being said, this morning I did grab my breakfast, but not my water... hold on a sec, I need to drink some of that... and I opened bloglovin to quickly click "mark as read" on a post selling beautiful things (I am not in a place to think about wanting more) and then I was able to feast my mind upon Design For Mankind's post titled The Apple Slice. In, the Apple Slice DfM wrote (quite beautifully) about how sometimes we go to the grocery store hungry, or we show up to twitter, instagram, Facebook and Bloglovin when we are mentally fatigued, frustrated or filling unfulfilled. And similar to when we are at groceries stores with hungry bellies, we fill up our cart (or our mind) with slices of others lives that we want to have.

And your sunlit corner loft, the one by the fiddle leaf fig tree and the sheer curtains, book on lap, bustling city below? That looks pretty nice right now. I want that instead. I want to trade the truth I’ve arrived at ... for a single slice of your life that looks appealing when my eyes are glazed over and my heart is tired.
We know we’re not supposed to grocery shop when hungry. We know the result – a cart full of empty choices that make us salivate but will not nourish. And yet, we do this every day, right here. We blink at the screen, our thumbs scrolling down, down, down. Another sunset. Another macaroon. Another fiddle leaf fig tree.
We are starving, our hunger insatiable. And we mindlessly, accidentally, subconsciously fill our grocery carts – these beautiful minds – with empty choices that make us salivate but will not nourish.

It would be hard for me to say it better than she already did. So I thanked her. I thanked her because she put words to something I didn't fully realize I had been doing. She put words to what happens when we (I) look at these snapshots of other peoples' lives wondering how ours (mine) just doesn't match up or even seem to compete. Sometimes I look at my own feeds, mostly this space and instagram and wonder if others are scrolling through, wishing for my shared slice.

The truth is, and I'm sure many of us now know, everyone has their own problems, they have their own demons they are fighting, and if I were being more fair, there are so many instagram feeds I don't follow of peoples' lives I obviously don't want to trade. I set my grocery store up with only the finest of sweets and treats, and then go shopping hungry.

I'm not writing this to say that I'm going to delete instagram or take a hiatus for x number of days, weeks, months. I'm writing this to say that I want to start showing up to my instagram feed a little more full, and with more intention. As I scroll through feel gratitude for the pretty pictures, the snapshots and know that their context, while beautiful, is not nearly as easy as it seems. Know that the house behind the camera in the shot of a perfectly designed room could be in disarray, or it could not. Either would be fine. Because no matter how much I want and wish for those other slices of good, the not so awful and often times wonderful reality is that I'm here, in my own life.

Here's to showing up a little more full on the good things, or at the very least, a little more intentional. If I find myself on instagram feeling hungry and unfulfilled I want to remember to take a step back, to realize it's just a small slice, and to appreciate it for entertainment value. Then go back to filling up my own cart.

xoxo

The Slogging

While there are so many different reasons I have neglected this space is the past, lately it looks a little like this: my life doesn't feel that pretty and I don't want future/current employers/lovers/friends to know that I don't have it all figured out.

It was easier to post when I first got here and Nashville was new, things were exciting, the week to week routines hadn't set in. Nashville was playing it's best Prince Charming and I was along for the horse drawn carriage ride. I found two jobs that would hopefully pay the bills, keep me social and even have me doing a little of what I possibly wanted to be doing.

Here's the deal, horse drawn carriage rides are not smooth. In the beginning you don't notice because Prince Charming is right.there. and there are gorgeous horses in front of you and "look out the window!" (this is a fancy carriage) But soon your body starts to give little hints, and after a little while longer you wonder how long you're going to last on this ride. Prince Charming/Nashville is still right there, and we're still moving along (paying bills, meeting some people) but the bumps of rocks and pot holes in the road are taking a bit of a toll and now it's time to find a new ride.

What I mean by all that is: I'm constantly job hunting, job exploring, job perusing. I'm examining what roles and skills I've used before (secretarial, entry level customer service, administrative and personal assisting) and searching for bits and pieces of other skills that I have used that are just waiting to be realized and expanded upon. I'm wondering about how to get jobs that aren't what I've done before.

While I love the blogs I follow now, I would really love to read some in-the-middle, slogging it out, hard (but not bad) times before good stories. The ones that aren't pessimistic and woe is me, but are saying, hey, is anyone else feeling crushed and elated and confused and useless but sometimes powerful by the career contemplation? This is what I'm doing, this is how it's feeling... is anyone else out there also wading through this too?

Here's my truth future employers/lovers/friends. I'm slogging through some muddy, muddy mental waters and job descriptions. I'm facing some snakes (they one's saying "I can't possibly do _____"), my feet are trying to slip out from under me and my nose sometimes wrinkles at the smell (metaphorical... I take showers). The sun is shining, I'm not depressed, but sometimes my muscles become fatigued and I get shaky. Other times I find a bit of extra energy and I make a squelchy path forward. I'm wading through the "I don't want to apply for what I use to apply for, so what the heck now?" mud bogs.

It's slow. I don't know how I got to from the bumpy carriage to traipsing through the mud. Maybe I had to leave the carriage and wade through the mud to get to the car and the smoother road. I'm not really sure at this point. That's definitely what I'm hoping. Maybe it's even what I'm planning on.

All I know is that I'm slogging through, and it's tough and I'm not a victim, I'm quite strong, and brave. But this isn't just for a job, this is some serious slogging to find a good path, for now, to grow on. It's why future lovers and friends are also addressed. It's not just what office I want to spend the majority of my week in, this isn't a choice between two titles, it's a process, it's a gathering, questioning, trying hard to find tiny but wonderful answers in the midst of so. much.mud. It's messy... and I'm not sure I'll ever be fully clean.

So that's where I am. In the mud pit, hoping all this mess is going to do great things for my complexion.

Now where did the carriage go?

xoxo

Snow (Ice) Days are For...

- realizing it's more of an ice day than a snow day
- wishing I had taken the weather warnings seriously gone grocery shopping
- wondering where the heck my oatmeal is
- rushing outside with four cameras to get some pictures of the backyard ice and snow
- mopping the entryway
- then deciding that the grout really needs some cleaning
- reminiscing about the age when I didn't even pay attention to grout cleanliness
- Does this mean I'm a grown up?
- baking some cookies with the dough from a couple days ago
- Googling how long you can keep cookie dough in the fridge
- (A little less than a week)
- cleaning the baseboards in the stairwell and around my room with a piece of magic eraser
- cleaning the edges of the carpet in room and on stairs with a gloved finger (try it, disgusting, vacuum can't reach there)
- wondering what age the OCD started setting in
- vacuuming stairs
- Going through Tinder options about two handfuls of times with no good swipe rights
- Catching up on Nashville and New Girl
-admiring cleaned grout in entry way but have bathroom grout nagging back of mind
- freaking out about cabin fever... one day in
- going to bed figuring tomorrow is going to be more of the same
- waking up and reading TN is in a state of emergency (the last one of those I was in was city wide, not state, and was for fire!)
- feeling very cagey
- walking to the grocery store across the street and stopping in Starbucks to see other people alive and working
- Watching If I Stay and crying a bit more than expected
- freaking out about the next three months to year of my life

Snow (Ice) Days are also for wearing snuggly layers and breathing in the crisp air while appreciating that our power is still working and our dwelling is nice and warm. It's for looking in wonder at the tree branches encased in a centimeter of ice and hearing them crackle when the wind blows. It's about remembering that I am not in control of everything.

xoxo

Worthiness and Time Alone

So there's the study that people have been passing around FB lately, where participants were put in a room and told to think about anything they wanted. Then they were asked after the short amount of time how they felt about the experience. Many said that they were bored or found it unpleasant. The next round was a little different, the participants were told to sit and think about anything they wanted, but they also had the choice/ ability to give themselves a shock. Many of the participants, that previously had reported they would pay not to get shocked, chose to shock themselves instead of just sit and think.

When I first read the articles about this study I shook my head and thought it sad and interesting. I spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts and while most are not pleasant, I didn't think I would be so uncomfortable with them as to take an electric shock.

But then I thought about it a little more, and I really looked into those times I was alone with my thoughts, no music on, no distractions, and I realized that while I might not think to take a shock, I am always looking for an escape from my own, inactive and unproductive company.

My primary method of escape? To do lists. When things get quiet and I find myself with some down time, when the thoughts start to churning my immediate reaction is to just find something else to cross off the list. And while I might have initially felt superior to those who took the shock because I thought I was just fine being with my own thoughts I realized real quick that I might be worse.


After reading the articles and studies again it seemed more that the participants that took the shock were just bored. Stimulation was stimulation and the shock provided that. It wasn't that the shock felt better than the thoughts swirling in their head, it was that they wanted something physical to do.

I, on the other hand, though not taking the shock so to speak, turn to my to do list because my thoughts are that unpleasant. Because when things get real quiet, when the music is off and there's no place to race to next, the demons/lizard brain/judger comes out to play.

So, instead of that, it's "what's on the list, what can I do, what can I learn, how can I improve myself?"Because then I'm okay, then, at the very least doing something, anything towards a goal. Something that makes me worthy.

Worthy of what you might ask?

There have been many answers over the years. Worthy of this person's interest, worthy of my parents' pride, worthy of my friends affection... But while it would be easier to pin it on someone else, I think what it really comes down to is being worthy of my own positive feelings.

At least if I make some delicious cookies that other people like then I can feed them. At least if I get a chore done I'm close to self sufficient and independent. At least if I make a website I'm trying to be a contender in the current job market. At least if I curl my hair and do my make up I'm pretty.

At least.

If I made crappy cookies, if I didn't get things done and needed help, if I just threw my hair up and went out in sweatpants, if I relied on my old kind of resume... then what would I be worthy of? Certainly not a good, exciting job, or an interested gaze, or friends' affection. That's what comes out in the quiet times.

I'm unworthy because I don't have a sparkling resume, I'm not worthy because I have an air mattress, because I didn't get the ultimate dream job (I don't even know what that looks like) days after landing in Nashville, because I don't have a Valentine on Valentine's Day and my ex does. Wow. That one just came off the fingertips.

Most of my life I've been telling myself I'm not enough, that I need to be more. I need to be cleaner, smarter, prettier, more in shape, healthier, more put together, more creative, more consistent, more... shit... just typing this out is exhausting. I've been in an impossible labyrinth where I choose one path and I scold myself for not taking the other while expecting myself to get through the one I did choose like a pro. Are there labyrinth pros?

No wonder I use to feel like I was pulling myself into tiny pieces keeping them just slightly apart so that the shape of me was still present but was by no means together or whole. There's no winning, it's a constant war.

I wish I was writing this because I found the solution to save the day. I didn't. It's Valentine's Day and I've spent the day hiding in my room. I did go to the gym, (see judger, I'm worthy, I promise) so that can be counted as a win, right?

How does one get around this? Am I now suppose to sit still and just listen to my brain for days on end until it just doesn't phase me anymore? Am I suppose to go out and do more things? I'm not good at not knowing what the next step is, it makes me feel dumb, lazy and yup, you guessed it, unworthy.

I don't know how to feel worthy of things/affection/being alive when I'm sitting still. I barely feel worthy when I'm running around like a crazy person.

The judger is screaming as I'm writing this, telling me I better not post for a myriad of different reasons. I think I'm going to post it anyway. It's hard pretending like everything is perfect.

xoxo

Nashville Four Months In

Can you believe I've been here four whole months? Four months. The days are slipping by and faster than I know it, I will have been here six months. I promised myself at least a year, at least a year in this new space, no matter what the feelings are through month three or seven or even nine. I'm good with that decision still. I'm fine with it and I'm also scared that it's going so fast, and that I'm not doing enough.

I'll admit Nashville not what I expected it to be. When I first moved here I expected lots of country music everywhere, cowboy boots, baseball caps and big trucks with single guys my age driving around. Thinking about it now, I am a bit embarrassed to admit I expected Nashville to be something out of a Luke Bryan or Jason Aldean party song.

Even more important, or maybe the real issue: my life, (which happens to be) in Nashville, is not what I expected it to be. I had some pretty grand schemes and life overhauls in mind when I dreamed of this place. Blank slates are so enticing and Nashville promised the blankest.

Sometimes I forget that it's my job to sweep myself off my feet. I get tired or frustrated or I take a look at the ex's instagram page and see a tiny snapshot of his life and make these grand assumptions of how he's doing so much better than me, so much better without me.

But that's no fault of Nashville. And for the most part I've done a really good job of not holding anything against this new home of mine. Nashville has done it's part to be the best it can be of itself.

Nashville wasn't the only variable when I moved. I didn't just move to Nashville as others generally do. I didn't have a job, friends or lover here. I started from scratch. I moved to Nashville with a need to do some serious digging into who I am and what I want for my future. I moved to Nashville after my first long relationship ended with a heart still processing. I moved to Nashville with very few plans and oh so many hopes.

What I am trying to say is: Nashville is a place, and it has some great things I have yet to explore. And I am in this really messy part of my life, messy because there's just so much I'm thinking about, so many variables and aspects of my life to grow, and I am having a hard time defining and focusing, or believing I can define and focus. But I'm here, and I'm doing it. I'm pushing through the pressure between the temples, I'm asking the questions over and over and when I have no answers, nothing I feel proud of, I'm still here. I am here in Nashville and I'm working two opposite schedules and not getting to see much, but I am making an effort. I'm here, and it's four months in, and I'm hoping at 8 months my story will look a little different. I'm working to make my view, 8 months in, a little different.

But right now, I'm here, as is, and I have no regrets. My life feels nothing close to fairy tale perfect, and I find myself frustrated more than joyful, but I truly believe that I made the right choice moving here.

Nothing is ever as I expect. I must be my own Prince Charming. Nashville will be the venue in which I sweep myself off my feet.

xoxo