Changing My Perspective

Friday morning I decided to conduct a quarterly review. More on the actual review later, but for now I want to talk about perception. Because before I put pen to paper, when I was thinking first about goals for next quarter, I thought I hadn't accomplished much during the first. I figured second quarter I could make up for what I lacked in the first and I'd figure it out from there.

Imagine my surprise when the first question was: What went well? And I had things flying from the pen to the page. I thought I would list maybe 3 or 4, but I kept remembering more. Oh yeah, I completed my goal of going to Palm Springs for my birthday AND I had my wonderful guy by my side, I not only signed up for the gym, but I started going on hikes with my guy and being so much more active than I have been in a really long time. Old Corey would NEVER have suggested a hike as something she wanted to do with her weekend. Unless it was at Torrey Pines but that didn't happen often in the past.

As I was writing these things down, and more and more just kept coming to mind, I wondered why I was feeling so far behind. Why I have been feeling so unsuccessful lately. I had been feeling like I was failing in exercising because I didn't go to the gym three times  (I ended up doing just that AND taking a yoga class AND a pole dance class this week... so, no failing here) and because I haven't woken up early enough to go to the gym before work and because I hadn't gone through all the machines yet. There were just so many reasons why I wasn't doing enough and I needed to do more. And that's not just with exercise.

I recently took on the habit of flossing. My metaphorical dentist is finally breathing a sigh of relief. And I started my flossing habit at night, and then I realized that at night I get kind of tired and want as little in my routine as possible before bed, so I switched to morning. And I've been really good, but still I wonder if I shouldn't be flossing two times a day or if night would be better so things don't just stay between my teeth for 8 hours...

When I got to the end of my list of things that had gone well in the first quarter I took a second to really think about what I wanted out of the second. I thought I wanted my second quarter to be a list of things to complete, boxes to check off. But I realized that if I continued making my goals this way, I would continue focusing on what wasn't being done and how I was failing.

I realized in doing this quarterly review that I need a perspective shift, I need a new angle. I need to enjoy. Enjoy life, enjoy the times not checking something off of my list, enjoy breathing and being and having fun. I go through periods of my life where I forget to have fun. Where it all becomes about checking things off my list and somehow feeling successful.

But if that's all I focus on, if I don't take time to enjoy my wins, big and small, if I don't take time to enjoy, and laugh and not take things so frickin seriously, then I'll just have a list of checked off tasks and I'll be sitting on the brink of the next quarter wondering why I don't feel like anything has changed.

I'm not 100% sure on the solution, but I know it's going to have to be grounded in gratitude. There's going to need to be more time for fun. And my language about my projects is going to have to change. Instead of having to go to the gym, I get to go to the gym. I get to work out and feel stronger which is a big goal of mine. I GET to. Not I HAVE to.

I get to work on my blanket that I've been crocheting. I don't have to. No one is paying me to make that thing, it's purely for my entertainment. But I rarely feel entertained when I think about it.
It's time for a mind shift, back to gratitude, back to celebration of wins big and small. It's time to enjoy it, whatever it may be. Take it in and enjoy it.

xoxo

The Hobbit Hole

A few weekends ago, (over a month ago, it's taken me this long to write this all out) Dan and I went to see part II of The Hobbit. I wasn't all that interested in going but he does so many things that I want to do I realized he really wasn't asking for much. Plus I realized there would be popcorn and milk duds so my resistance waned.
About a quarter into the movie I started thinking about Tolkein's thoughts while writing this book. I started wondering who in their right mind thinks of the creatures he does. But then I let myself think a little deeper and suddenly The Hobbit became a metaphor for life as many of us know it now. Many of us are at the beginning, we have just be beckoned on a journey. Our curiosity is peaked, but we are resistant. Something deep down inside is screaming, but we have so many walls built the sound is faint, and still we are very resistant.
We have our routine, our mental Hobbit hole. That faint little voice is getting louder though, we still only hear a whisper but deep down she's causing quite a scene. People can see this in you, even if you don't see it in yourself. It's Gandolf's mark on the Hobbit door... your mark to bear.
You let it sit, you try to ignore the whispers and the people that see it in you, and you can be pretty successful, you've been practicing for years. But someone else or something else barges in, and then six or seven more somethings barge in, and that little voice is screaming at the top of her lungs and it's not forgotten anymore.
Whatever it is that barges in starts making a big ol' mess of that mental (and physical) Hobbit hole. It isn't necessarily rude, they may say please or thank you, or they may try to clean a bit after themselves, but they (thoughts, a person, a group of people) make a big ruckus and are loud and you can't hear your old thoughts. You try, very hard, but for the moment the other sounds are too loud.
Then the actual proposition comes, not just the hint of it, the actual proposition. No one is dancing around the idea anymore. It's on the table. And there is much resistance still in your head. So much resistance. So you sleep on it maybe, and something, who knows what, tugs at you. You wake up, and it almost seems too late, so you take off running... you're going on this journey, you're ready for this adventure.
Here's the deal, I believe, to have a truly fulfilling life, we need to go on this adventure.
It might not be the journey Bilbo Baggins goes on, and I really hope not considering the creatures he runs in to... but your journey will be long, and sometimes it will seem fun, other times it will seem like a nightmare. We might not actually meet up with an actual Orc, but you better believe some of the things you might come up against (your own demons perhaps) will be just as gruesome, just as foul.
But still you must keep going.
You will have people with you along the way. Don't take them for granted. It won't always seem like you can trust them and it won't always seem to them like you can be trusted, but when it comes down to it, you need each other in really tight situations, and really big messes. You both will be on this journey for your own reasons, you both will face your own demons. When the spots get really tight and when it everything seems lost despite the demons, you'll help each other out.
Sometimes your demons won't appear as Orc, but instead they will appear as something shiny and beautiful. Something that seems to have a great deal of power, and can help you to be better than you have ever been. You'll notice, however, that this something will also bring out a dark side, be careful with those shiny things. Use them only as you must.
I could go on and on for another handful of paragraphs here but the take away is:
Go on the adventure. Help others and in turn let them help you. Beat the orcs, come face to face with the dragons, and use the shiny objects sparingly. If used too often they might reflect an image of yourself you just don't like.
Go forth. Be brave.

xoxo