Add me to the list of things you drink to forget.

visions of the future, of small houses and company

Sometimes I sit here with this vision of myself, living in a small house, almost like a cabin, having a dog, and plants and the dishes I need to cook, nothing too grand but the view outside my patio. I feel at peace in this vision, single. Other times I quake in fear that my life will come to that. Would it be too late to have both? What if, in July of next year I moved farther East, or back West, to a place I could live on my own, with a dog. A small house, a humble kitchen, a job that pays all the bills and takes me on unassuming trips.

Been thinking quite a lot about how I show up in relationships, the ones I have and the ones I don't. Been reading, been listening, been watching, been yearing for things I see from silver screens and instead of pushing it back down or pretending to get rid of it, questioning it. Trying to trust myself on something things while also still getting to the root of it. Do I want this person in my life, do I not? Would my life be richer with her in it, do I really need to cut ties or scrap the shallow day to day shit and start over with that, leaving the important parts, the roots...

Thoughts At Night

I'm young and I'm scared and there's so much pressure and I don't think well under pressure like this. Why does this have to go so fast? If only I had known that 18 isn't a grown up, that legally sure but the pressure of a life decision was so heavy it stopped real and natural progress.

Reading this again, when coming here to type: I am terrified. I am terrified of this life, terrified of losing it, terrified of fucking it up, I've been given such incredibly circumstances. I've had such privilege. A functioning body, a functioning heart and lungs and all these things we think are birth right. Two parents, with love, with house's and extended family and safety nets and such genes and I won the female jackpot of being pretty but also smart and not so audacious in body that one would only think of reproduction, but also a hint at the wild, I have something to grab anyone's attention which is it always great but can definitely be used to my advantage. Weird thought, back to the beginning. I'm terrified... I am terrified of my mom not being there when I finally give birth to a child, I finally found a moment where I would need her and I know, oh good lord I know she would come through. I am terrified of my own mortality, of the possibility of all sorts of medical one offs, of having luck slapped off my face. I am terrified. I am young, and I am scared and I am worried. Have we always been so cold? Dear self, I am young, and I am scared, and there is so much pressure... how do we remember this surrender? How do we remember this gratitude, this awe, this everything after reading this memoir? How do I bring this feeling to life? How do I breathe just a little more and build a life? How do I acknowledge and be so fucking proud of what I have accomplished up to today? I have accomplished things, big things. Moved cross country, by myself, on a bit of a whim, knowing no one, no job, little bit of money, lot of faith somehow and determination. Made friends in days, convinced people without trying that I was worth knowing. Convinced others I was worth hiring. I am worth knowing, I was worth hiring, I am still worth hiring. I have gone countless places on my own, seen shows, met new people, tried so many recipes, shed so many tears, saw good or hoped for good in so many men. Learned dances, became a regular, stuck with counseling, faced and continue facing truths that don't sit comfortably, that beg more questions.