Salty Foods and Feeling Free

A faded red hatchback waiting in front of me at a stoplight. A girl in the back with a Burger King crown, reaching to pull back the bag of food being passed from the front. It looked like summer break, I could practically smell the fries. The light turned green and they moved forward. Despite the food bag transfer they pulled into Taco Bell. Maybe the first bag didn't hold enough, maybe this summer day was one for a fast food mission of epic proportions. I wanted to be there, in that car...I wanted my own crown, sitting in the back seat between my friends, listening to the song of the hour, passing salty foods and feeling free.

On Any Given Day

Where I'm at right now. I'm lost and found and right where I started but also, somehow so far ahead. I'm 30 and feeling no different than my 20's but starting to recognize the distinction. I'm spending weekend nights dancing with many my sister's age and wondering how much of my week to week it should really take up. I'm constantly being pulled to pictures of hiking and gorgeous views off of the highways. I listen to songs about small towns with few roads. I look at pictures of rooms that are set on expanses of land and I feel a pull.

I remember Montana and want so badly to go back. To the second story room with little decoration and abundant calm. To the porch across the hayfield where I sat with a puppy sleeping on my lap. I want to go back to the steady sway of the day, of sitting in the sun with dogs at my feet, to driving back up the dirt road, to laying in the bed with the sounds of Montana putting me to sleep.

I'm tired of planning, I'm tired of overthinking, I'm tired of disappointment in myself and anything else. I'm spending time in the morning writing, sometimes trying to examine my wishes and next steps, other times asking for direction. Please lead me, I don't want to keep leading myself. Where am I going to shine brightest? Where can I feel that peace again.

At the risk of sounding just awful, I am homesick for a place I'm not sure I've ever been.

I'm not here to write how to's. To wax poetic on things I know to be true. I am not here to create listicles or fancy images for click bait.
I've been looking for blogs that have heart, that tell the stories of the day to day. The small adventures, the actual vacations and not the "I gave up everything to travel the world and I'm making millions at it." I'm tired of the perfectly styled. I go toward the blogs that have fewer followers hoping to still find the accidental grittiness, the lack of filters.
I appreciate what people have been able to accomplish, I appreciate that wild hearts have been given space to create a life that they want to, but that's not what I came to the internet to see. I came here, to online journals and blogs so long ago to read other people's takes on ordinary days. To read about their dreams and their messy messy minds. I come here for that and yet I am tired to put it out there myself. So here's the real. Here's what is true in my head somedays and feels like a lie others.

I'm homesick often for places that don't actually exist, I'm also challenging myself to create space to feel home right where I am at. I'm wanting the peace that I found in the Montana days but also wondering if that's the prize after working on some other things.

I'm working on keeping my eyes looking straight ahead and less in the rearview mirror.

Lately

Proud of myself for: waiting to listen to the new Jason Aldean songs until the whole album was out. I had listened to the two that were played on the radio and one my sister recommended but after that I stopped. He kept releasing new ones and I didn't want to know half of the album before I got to hear the rest so for the first time ever I was patient and waited. Such a small thing but I found myself enjoying the wait. I wasn't mindlessly listening the minute I got the chance, I was intentional.

I've been doing a lot more of this kind of thing lately. I've been working on enjoying where I am at, not believing in the "I have to have/do/listen/read this thing Right.Now." I've been using the library for books and if I can't find it there then I don't read it. I zip through books way too fast to justify the spending. Not to mention, there are soooo many books out there that I could read. This one book that I want right this minute isn't actually going to change my life. Or rather, it isn't the only thing that's going to make my life better right now. I don't NEED it in order to keep moving forward. I get easily swept up in the "I need this to make my life better" and I've been questioning that a lot in the past year. I justified so much spending over the years because I told myself this one thing (many times over) was going to be the thing that turned my life around. Turns out, nope! So I've backed off.

Learning to:
+ question myself with curiosity and support instead of shame
+ speak my truth, sometimes it's messy and embarrassing as hell, sometimes it's eloquent and helpful
+ believe in my worth (not going to lie, typing that feels really uncomfortable still... but I guess that's why I'm learning)
+ allow myself to miss things while also working to really appreciate the benefits of the new situation

Thinking about: Clothes I want to add to my closet that I want to reach for, that are comfortable but also good to go to my casual workplace in, clothes that can be thrown in the washer at the very least, ideal if I can toss them in the dryer after. I told myself for years that clothes weren't that important to me or shouldn't be that important to me. Turns out, HEY, I was lying to myself. I like clothes, finding ones I like that fit me right is quite a task, that's the part I don't like. I also didn't leave myself any room in my budget to buy clothes so any time I did felt like I was overspending and breaking the bank and shame was attached, no wonder I thought I didn't care much about clothes. While this might seem like an unimportant thing to think about, it kept coming up so it was time to face it. Turns out I also have told myself I'm not creative so I didn't give myself space or money or time for creativity. I've told myself I'm not athletic, I've told myself a great many things that are simply untrue about myself and therefore didn't make room for them and have suffered a bit because of it. Sometimes clothes are just clothes, sometimes they are a symbol of things you do and do not allow yourself to have or want.

Watching: Parks and Rec! Oh my gosh how have I never watched this ever before? It is the best. THE BEST.

Looking forward to: New season of New Girl, the start of the show This Is Us (Mandy Moore? Jess from Gilmore Girls?!), speaking of... Gilmore Girls coming to Netflix!, maybe restarting Desperate Housewives. I didn't think of myself as a TV person but dang... I sure have some shows I love.

Reading: A lot of faith based books lately. I struggle with faith and religion and the like but I keep finding myself drawn to it in different ways. Sometimes I find myself really enjoying the books and sometimes I find myself reacting to them strongly. I'm digging in more and I'm glad I am reading them.
Also:
How To Be a Person In the World - Ask Polly columns all together in a wonderful book!
Present Over Perfect - The best. Want to read over and over again
Loving My Actual Life - Fun, easy read. Read it right after Present over Perfect so I might have been a little burned out on it, but it has some good points in it, things I want to try.
Wild and Free - This one is bringing up a lot of resistance but I am continuing on because there are parts that are equally reassuring/helpful.
Since You've Been Gone - great/fun YA novel about a girl completing a list of dares/tasks her friend leaves her.

Almost ready for: Fall. There is a hint of crispness to the mornings that I love feeling. Sometimes the nights are cooler too. As much as I am not looking forward to winter, I would love a long Fall. A slow transition between the hot, hot summer and bundling up and dodging ice.

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