Eclipse

I think it would be an injustice, or a disservice to not write a little about the Eclipse today. Yes, it's one of those things that EVERYONE is talking about, and usually I'm not one to follow suit on those kinds of things, I wasn't big on GoT for a long time, I can't stand certain music that people are all about... I'm honestly not trying to be an asshole, I promise, I just tend to be naturally adverse to the things too many people rave about. (Still haven't read 50 Shades of Gray and probably never will.)

But the eclipse, this natural occurrence, this incredible thing... it was worth seeing. I was fortunate enough to have the day to work from home and go wherever I wanted. I was going to go up to Springfield, TN because they had a long time of totality but I was feeling dizzy that morning and took a nap and then woke up a little to late to possibly get up there. I freaked out inwardly a little, there had been so much talk of traffic and crowded everywhere, and I'm not big on crowds. But I went through the drive thru of Starbucks, got myself my drink and my croissant (hmmm kinda fitting the shape of the food and the place of purchase)... and drove around until I found a small-ish and not so busy park. I sat in my car for a while but then had to find a restroom (porta potty... luckily quite clean) and instead of going back to the car I found a small set of bleachers to lay down on.

I was there a good 45 minutes early, on the bleachers about 20 minutes before totality, so I sat and occasionally looked up at the disappearing sun through my nasa glasses. It became steadily darker, hard to tell when taking pictures through my phone, but it was slightly ominous, like when something wicked comes in a movie. The weather was absolutely perfect, I was worried that it would be too hot being Nashville summer and in the 90's, but the eclipse kept it completely comfortable and there was a bit of a breeze too. The clouds moved out of the way of the sun with more than enough time to see the transition. It went so slow until a minute before and then it felt like everything sped up. It was as if someone had pressed fast forward on a sun set. A news helicopter went by and then the last bits of light left the ring around the moon and totality hit.

The groups of families and friends around the park cheered and went through a variety of different exclamations. We took off our glasses, we looked around to see the false sunset in almost 360 degrees, we looked back at the moon and the sun and then as the tiniest bits of sun started peaking back there were yells of "glasses back on" by several moms across the park. It took a second for the experience to hit, the overwhelming, "I am alive for this. I. Am. Alive." I was hit by a wave of emotion, my eyes welled at the magnificence of the experience.

Shortly after people started leaving the park, maybe to get a headstart on traffic, but I stayed. I stayed and wrote a couple notes down, I wondered if anybody proposed, if anyone got married and had the wedding party all in glasses, I wondered what babies might be conceived today, what bridges mended, what bonds deepened. I laid there a little longer, seeing other people's experiences through Instagram, laughing at all the different reactions.

We've had such a crazy go of it this past month, well... since November, and before. Since... well, when hasn't it been crazy, depends on who we ask. But there's been a lot of emotional hardship, there has been a lot of frustration and incredulity and hurt and hate. Those of us with privilege have had such a break but our eyes are being constantly ripped opened to just how much work there is left to do, how much there is left to stand for. I wonder, if for a second, many forgot their differences and just sat there, watching our solar system do its incredible thing. For just a minute, along each point in the line of totality, we sat in awe with the masses.

Nashville: Thirty-Four Months

I started writing this five months out from my actual two year mark. What are my thoughts... convoluted, per usual. I've had some great experiences here, I don't know that I connect with this city. I talk to people that love it, that love it so incredibly much and I find myself so confused. What am I missing, what am I getting wrong here? So I go out and try the coffee shops and try the restaurants and go to the places that people make look so cool on Instagram and still I feel a little lost. What in the heck are these people talking about?

I was once sitting with a very good friend of mine having brunch one day when I looked over to this table of girls having brunch and I said, I wish I could be brunching like those girls. In my mind it felt so different, it looked like they were doing something so different than what I was doing but my friend looked at me and was like, Corey, we are doing exactly what they are doing... you are brunching like them. And while now I totally see what she means, then it felt different. Like somehow their experience was deeper and better than mine, that I would never be able to achieve this sunny life that other people seemed to be having.

Nevermind that I was sitting there, eating food with my wonderful friend at a time that would be considered brunch. I don't know what I felt was missing from that moment, maybe I felt like I didn't look the part of the brunching 20-something. Maybe I felt like our conversations weren't as light and carefree as the girls (women?) at the other table

Always looking for what I want to see instead of seeing what is in front of me. I look at these gorgeous pictures other people take and think, oh man, that's where I need to be. Then I can see these beautiful things and I will be happy. I did this often during my adventures with Dan, I would suggest another hike, another trail, and each time I would go through it and leave feeling disappointed.

Is Nashville suppose to convince me? Am I suppose to convince myself. There was a good month where I was driving around thinking, maybe I really could stay here for the long term. That didn't last. I don't have a solid idea of where else I want to go, I might want to stay, but at this point I have absolutely no idea either way. I have spent over a year not really exploring Nashville because I can't eat many things, I don't drink coffee, and I hate traffic. The things people seem to say need to be explored here are the food, the coffee and the parts of town that seem to be in perpetual gridlock.

I've spent a year going to Murfreesboro, to one specific bar almost every weekend, for a good 6 months at least twice a weekend. I wasn't drinking, I was dancing... and fishing in a pond that had no real fish for me. No, scratch that, I was the fish. Catch and release, catch and release.

I want somewhere to connect and set down roots but it's rare that I allow myself to frequent the same place over and over again. I don't have a neighborhood coffee shop because I 1) don't drink enough coffee and 2) don't go to the same place every time. I forget that the feelings that I am chasing in these Instagram photos are the feelings of belonging and comfort. I think that some place will just have that immediately, but often it takes time and repetition. It takes commitment. I found myself driving home from a show last night waiting for a person to merge over into my lane but they were waffling back and forth and I heard myself yelling "just like everyone else in Nashville, you can't seem to commit!" It's funny the overarching statements you make about other people and what they say about your perspective as well as yourself. This morning as I thought about that moment I turned it back around and thought, but darling, aren't you waffling just the same? Doesn't it take one to know one so well?