This week's chapter was about fear, what it's made of, why it should be listened to, but not given full rein, and it was also about learning how to take criticism and learn from it without letting it stop you from trying again.
We want to notice fear and meet it directly while it's still an emotion, not a behavior.
Current Fears:
- not being able to make more than I am making now
- being single forever
- not being able to pay my bills
Why am I afraid of not making more money?
Because I want a lifestyle that is a little more expensive, because I can live where I am at but it is tiring, because I want time to travel and explore and where I'm at currently gives losing days at work a lot of power to leave me without enough money.
Because I want to consider myself successful, because I want people that tell me I'm meant for something big to be right, because I don't want them to think they are wrong. Because I want to be happy. Because I don't want to worry about a for fun purchase putting me back. Because I don't want to have to worry about taking a sick day when I am sick, or a personal health day when I really need a break.
Why am I afraid of being single forever?
This one is a bit of a doozy. There are many, many reasons I don't want to be single forever, one is because I have finally admitted to myself that I want to be married at some point and that I want a kid. If you knew me in high school you would know how big of a change this is. I am afraid of being single forever because I fall into the habit of asking myself why I am not good enough and these other people are. Because I'm only so strong and I would love to have some help keeping the faith in myself sometimes. Because I don't want to be the only person sleeping in this queen sized bed forever. Because I don't want to be single forever, because I feel like I have no control over it.
Why am I afraid of not being able to pay my bills?
Because I want to be self sufficient, because I don't want to have to ask for help anymore, because I will feel like an idiot and a failure if I can't get it right, people have told me for years that I'm smart and not being able to pay all of my bills doesn't seem very smart or resourceful to me.
How do you feel when you see the reasons behind your fears?
Basically it all boils down to this: I don't want to feel the depression I have felt before and I am definitely scared that it will come back, especially when I am feeling happy. I also don't want my dad to be disappointed in me... and finally I don't want to feel like a champion idiot that just can't get things right.
Part of me feels justified. I have fallen back into depression time and time again due to things listed above. It feels so horrible and when I'm happy I want nothing to do with that feeling of sadness and hopelessness. It isn't logical and I'm starting to learn how to ride it out instead of fight it, but my first instinct is to fight it and it makes the whole thing worse.
xoxo
The Fire Starter Sessions and all included worksheets were written and created by Danielle LaPorte
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