There's been so much going on, so much I've been thinking about and turning in my head, so much learning and living and loving and happiness and some stress but ultimately growth and I have been writing about it in my journal from time to time but I don't think I've fully been sharing it here. Sometimes I feel like my blog gets a little impersonal even though it's filled weekly with very personal, honest answers to questions about life and my dreams and fears. Most of the pictures are mine, the thoughts are mine but it's not everything.
I've moved into a new place and I just realized today, while telling someone how awesome it feels to be there, that it's the first place I've fully decorated. The art that I like is up on the walls, I have a picture collage on part of my closet door, my little knickknacks that I allow myself to keep (I'm a purger of things) are displayed and I smile when I see them instead of frown at clutter. My walls still have a lot, and I mean a lot of white space even though it's not a big room. My bed is tall and comfortable and the ceiling above it is low which makes me feel really safe. I have room for my chair to read in, I have room for my desk with a white board and room for my small bookshelf and my make-up and hair stuff. I have a closet again!!! And I can fit almost everything I own in this room without it feeling cluttered. The only things that don't fit are storage boxes with extra blankets and some dishes I don't need because the house already has them... and my suitcase) I come home, I put my sweats on (cute sweats... not that juicy crap... sorry if you like that sort of thing) and I get under my thin comforter and I pick up a book or get on the computer and write posts or watch a 30 minute show or rewatch Season 2 of The OC and everything just feels good.
I'm going to let myself tangent here. Something about watching The OC is so therapeutic and calming for me, it makes me believe in love and the possibility of relationships and I THINK it's because of the time I was in when I was watching it with new eyes. Seth Cohen was such a major babe in the fact that he was funny and awkward but sooooo devoted to Summer... kills me. And so when I watch the show and hear their voices and the dialogue I just feel like it's okay. Do you have a show like that? Obviously it doesn't have to be high brow, something about it just feels right.
I've been reading some books that have made me think and made me reevaluate and work through things and they couldn't have come at a better time. The Fire Starter Sessions, Spirit Junkie, Happier at Home, some of the blogs I read, etc... The Fire Starter Sessions are giving me a space to work through my mental blocks, Spirit Junkie has me really mellow about guys and dating and having it be okay to not have control all the time.
Because I love control, my natural inclination in life is to control things and if I can't control them I get depressed and anxious. When I start feeling those kinds of things I get obsessive, not like, stalk-y obsessive, like, I'll be reading and I can't even read without thinking about what the other person might be doing and what I can do to figure out if they like me. DUH, they don't like me enough obviously if I'm that anxious about it, the gut knows, the gut knows very well. The point of this is, I've been processing it wrong in the past, I've punished myself for being a hopeless romantic because I would feel dumb and foolish, but this girl Taylor Swift (you may have heard of her) made me realize that it's okay. It's not always ideal, but it's okay. Because it's life and you bounce back and sometimes you're more into it than the other person and sometimes the other person is more into it than you but being optimistic and hoping for the best in a person when they are saying they like you is okay too. And when it crashes and burns, write a song. Or in my case, write a blog post and feel the sadness of it but remember that you have great qualities and that person isn't the best thing ever and if it was meant to work, and you put in the work, then it would have. Also, if I'm trying to make a person like me it's time to get out because I want someone who I don't have to convince. I'm not such a bad person like I use to think I was. I have my issues, I have my insecurities, but I also have my positive attributes, my radness that one day someone will recognize and appreciate. I might cringe at all this pie in the sky, twinkle in my eye talk at a later date but it's true right now. I'm in a good place... yes, universe, I would LOVE to meet someone that makes me giggly and that I would mentally dedicate the cute, happy, fun T Swift songs to, but I'm not going to choose who that HAS to be... I'm realizing that I finally have space in my life, not just that I want to have space in my life, but that I actually have space in my life for someone else. That doesn't mean that the next guy that I giggle over is going to be a super serious thing, but it does mean that the room is there should the universe decide she'd like to send someone my way.
I guess I got that from Spirit Junkie too... just being open. Not searching, not conquering or beating into submission, just being open to a possibility should it arise. Having or wanting complete control is a very closed place to be. I'm striving daily to be a little more open.
And I've been working on some relationships and not putting as much time into others. I've been giving myself time to do nothing if that's what I want to do. I spend a lot of time near the ocean even though I live inland. Three days a week I have my lunch looking straight at the ocean before I transition from my morning job to my afternoon one. It's so peaceful and I look forward to that time every day. Before daylight savings time hit I would walk on the beach and put my feet on the wet sand while watching the sun set... I'm going to have to appreciate those on my days off now, but those were great times too.
I realize I rush through things, I am happy to be doing them but when they are over I'm thinking, oh.. it's done? And so I'm learning how to slow down, how to appreciate the moments instead of waiting for the end. It's the times where I'm sitting in front of the oven looking through the door at the bread I attempted to break, or the feeling of the cold, wet sand beneath my feet. It's the cool breeze that smells like Fall as I walk from my car to my morning job. It's looking over the top of my computer at my room, taking a deep breath and feeling content.
Don't get me wrong, I still have work to do, things to try, and things to improve. I have a routine to plan that involved exercise and time outside, I have projects to get back into, passions to rekindle, books to read, friends to see. But in this moment, right here, taking a break from reading You Can Buy Happiness (and It's Cheap), I am content. I'm enjoying this victory like I've never allowed myself to enjoy them before.
xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment