Things I Am *Hesitant* To Tell You

The start: Creature Comforts, and Mimi+Meg

I don't know if you've been seeing this around blog world, but there's been a series of lovely ladies (and possibly gentlemen) telling us things that they normally wouldn't. I like to think of myself as an open book, but sometimes I don't share things out of respect to my family or friends.

Most people are calling their confessions "Things I Am Afraid To Tell You" but I'm switching afraid for hesitant, because I'm not afraid to share my life, at all, I'm just thinking of others when I keep my lips zipped (or fingers off the keys).

Also, I have a history of sharing my depression and frustrations with others. I have been called negative on more than one occasion by people I love and I'm working towards being a less negative, if not totally positive, person.

With all of that being said, I'm going to put my lesser known (maybe, who knows, I'm a pretty open book) quirks (and things I get embarrassed by) out in the open...

Ready?

Relationships
- I've had two boyfriends in my life. Both relationships together totaled to 2 1/2 months. At 26 I find this annoying, frustrating, and many times a bit embarrassing. I often wonder what exactly makes me different from these other girls who get guys like it's no big deal.
- Maybe because of fact #1, I find myself often easily jealous and totally unsure when I am interested in someone. I overanalyze every little detail, every phrase and I find myself on a roller coaster of "he likes me, he likes me not." I hit the "he likes me not" more times than the other. Frankly it's exhausting.
- I amaze even my friends with how bad of a track record I have with guys. It becomes comical after a while, but there have been many a sad night (and day) due to douche bags and my not so great choices.
- I get asked pretty often if I have a boyfriend and when I say no people give me this amazed look and wonder how that could be. If I had the answer people, I probably wouldn't be single.

Okay, enough of that... next:

Friendships
- I could be a better friend. I am horrible at remembering birthdays, even when I have them in my phone, I don't call or check up often...etc. I also like to talk a lot about me, and when I say talk, many times it's complain or give excuses. (In all fairness to myself, so this isn't a total bashing, I am incredibly loyal and protective over my close friends, so maybe that's why they keep me around despite the other things.)

Daily Habits
- I hate washing my hair. I put it off many a day when I can. It's not the actual act of washing it that is so bad, but the drying procedure. If I let it dry by itself I don't feel like I look my best and then get self conscious and lalala. If I take time to blow dry it then I also need to straighten or curl it. Blow drying my hair takes time people. Don't get me wrong, I love my hair, I just put off the washing all the time.
- I'm really bad about making my bed. It looks so good and my room feels so much better when it's made but honestly I find myself back in my bed so often that making it just seems useless.
- Which brings me to: I sleep a lot. While other people use drugs, drinking, sex, shopping, etc to take a break from their thoughts, I use sleep. I sleep best during the day when the sun is coming through the blinds and the sounds of life outside come through. I'm talking myself out of going back to sleep right now.
- I don't wash my car very often. When I get a new one, or when I get into OCD clean mode I promise myself I am going to be better about keeping my car clean and lovely. Recent excuses for not washing my car: I really don't want to get wet while washing it and I don't have money to get it washed by someone else. Neither of these reasons really hold much weight but my car stays pretty dirty on the outside.
- I drink soda, Diet Coke specifically, every day. I haven't given myself the strength to quit it. If things are a little off AND I'm trying to quit DC I am heinous to be around. I get sick of me.

Which brings me to probably my biggest fault, my longest running secret that until the past few years I've talked the least about:

** I am quite often not thrilled with myself. It doesn't matter how much praise I get at work, or dance class or from friends or guys... I find myself to be annoying and frustrating and frankly, a bit dumb. Ah yes, and pathetic. I'm twenty-six living at my mom's house working at a minimum wage job even though I have a degree and had such potential (or so everyone thought) in high school. I want to be great but I don't know what to be great at or how to even begin. I can't even figure out how to pay for my own life. Some potential right? Not as smart as they thought am I?
I keep the lows to myself as much as possible but sometimes it's like a compulsion to tell my friends how horrid and awful I am. I won't believe any good they say about me.
Then there are days where I seem fine. Where I seem happy, put together, enthusiastic, etc. I can't explain that. I don't have an explanation for the shifts, the good or the bad, the high or the low, all I can say is I'm pretty sure the Zoloft doesn't regulate anything, and I'm not sure this is a problem for medication.

I find it very hard to be proud of myself for anything I've done in my life. I can tell you why any accomplishment really wasn't that difficult or why I don't deserve praise. I can tell you what's wrong in everything I do. I can tell you how, even though I've been working out a TON more than I use to, it's not hard enough or how I'm still not strong enough.

There's no process for me, it's all or nothing, change immediately, no weaknesses... right here, right now it has to be perfect otherwise I'm going to hear it.

Pretty impossible to live up to.

It's a mental cycle that I still don't know how to break after all the books, lessons, counseling sessions. I'm still me, still flawed. **

So there you have it. Some of the things I'm hesitant to share. I want to delete the last bit because this is suppose to be a place of happiness and good things. It's just about the only place I fight to keep positive. But I guess that's the point of these confessions.

xoxo