Dating 101 with this girl right here *points to self*

found

Today I'd like to shed some light on my trials, tribulations and now lessons on dating those of the opposite sex (mainly because I've never had a date with the same sex so I really wouldn't know where to begin besides, be a gentlelady).


My first tip in dating: Don't do it.
Save yourself...

Noooooo, I'm kidding...

Am I?

Sure.

Moving on, I'm going to get cliché and self help book on your and say first things first, know, and love, who you are. Feel like your butt jiggles too much? Love it. Worried it doesn't jiggle enough and you're envious of those talented ladies in the Wally World You Tube video? Love it. Was that a personal example? I can't really say. Please don't ask such personal questions, that's rude.
Love who are, what your body does for you, what your mind does for you and what you do for both. It sucks... like totally supreme suckage because those times when you're really all YEAH-times-a million-high-fives-to-myself-because-me-and-my-just-the-right-amount-of-jiggly-butt-are-awesome are the times when generally it's quite fun to be single. AKA the times when you (maybe this is just me) are the most attractive are when you say pish posh to the idea of a steady date and run around like a chicken with your head cut off (not playing musical beds mind you, that would be too much work. More like flirting and then doing a whole bunch of projects you find on Pinterest. Just me again? Sigh. Okay, more universal, like fortune cookies...)

Let's just go to the second lesson/rule: They want to sleep with you. No, seriously. If you're a woman and he's a dude taking you out and he asked you, and even if you asked him and he said yes, he wants to sleep with you. For all those who are going to be quick to call me bitter here let me just clarify I did NOT say that's all they wanted. Though if you're meeting them for the first time at a bar and you're pretty sure their really quite drunk... I'm going to say 95% that's all they want.
I really don't know for sure though, I mean some of my friends don't know how to keep guys from wanting a relationship and well, let's just say I don't have that problem. "How do you get a guy to do more than just kiss" they ask me... hahahahahaha WHAT?! How do you get them to STAY at that spot for more than 2 minutes? Seriously? Am I just hitting on guys who's hormone levels are stuck in high school mode? Silly question, don't answer that... answer is most positively yes.

Lesson three: If you have a problem keeping your pants on use this trick... wear jeggings that are at least slightly difficult to get off AND don't shave for a couple of days before the date/meet up/hang out/whatever. Don't tell the partner of the moment about these sneaky blocks you have. Act like you really are interested in them and their supposed "skills", but you're also interested in keeping those lovely pants on. Seriously, if you tell a guy he's probably going to say whatevs to the stubble on the shins, honestly I'm not sure many actually care, but I know I do. I care. I would think twice, maybe even a lot more than twice about things going past a innocent high school-esqe (hahaha innocent... tv shows are showing the reality of high school make out sessions... the youth!) make out session.
Seriously, jeggings with ankle holes that have a hard time going over your heel... almost better than a metal chastity belt. Almost. I might bring those back. Though I'm not so sure about hygiene with those. Nah, never mind, jeggings it is, at least they are made of mostly cotton. Breathable...

again I digress..

Lesson four: Trust your gut. Not like, trust it to not have any more drinks or eat that last cookie, I mean, trust it with that too... but trust your instincts. So many times I've tried to give one the benefit of the doubt just to look a fool. Don't give anyone an easy out, make them prove their worth.

Lesson five: Don't believe them when they say their ex is crazy unless she happens to have shown her crazy, to you, in person. Even then, wonder if your new man friend may have done something before that wasn't so awesome.
I'm not saying all ex-girlfriends are misunderstood, but a lot of them are given the "crazy" label because a guy just can't cope with whatever happened. I mean, I would like to think that someone of my gender might give me the benefit of the situation if an ex of mine ever called me crazy.
In my experience, when a dude says (friend or romantic interest) his ex was crazy it usually means "but if she offered make up sex I'd be back in a heartbeat." I don't know what it is, when a guy uses crazy to describe his ex I know to run for the hills if I was thinking about being interested... so many unresolved feelings come with that one little word.

I guess Lesson five comes with a "if they are talking a lot about their ex, run" bullet point. They are either still unresolved on the relationship OR just want to get laid and are still besties with their ex. Besties, like buddies for life... like, help each other get knew dates months after they break up besties. Odd... wait, not a specific example, I didn't know a guy like that.

I guess to wrap up I'll say this: I have little actually helpful knowledge on dating. While it is surprising to some that I've only had two actual titled boyfriends, it remains true. Probably because I was dealing with a whole lot of losers (see all examples above where I say it didn't happen to me).

Truth be told I'm more than a little bent out of shape about dating at the moment. More than anything I'm scared of happening upon another male to like. Why? Because when I fall into like, I fall hard. While that crazy first getting to know someone energy is incredibly intoxicating and oh so great feeling, the come down is quite harsh and I don't want to feel that come down again. Next time I am going to work really hard to not get excited for a loooong time. And I'll probably need to re-read this again like a bajillion times. ;)

Oh yes, here I am re-reading and totally not taking my last bit of advice.

xoxo