Where I've Been

The past couple days (not to mention the last few years) have held a lot of time for self reflection. I've been sleeping a lot again which warns me of a dip toward depression. That scares me and at the same time I just feel blase about it. For a while I would try and fight any slightly down feelings and I think lately I've given into them a lot more. 

Neither option is all that healthy or productive. Both options leave me rooted to the spot either battering my own mind or laying in bed sleeping the day or night away until it's time to go to already organized events or functions. 

I find there's really no reason to be awake a lot of the time which isn't me saying I don't want to be alive, I hope no one misinterprets that. I do like life, I do like people (some of the time) and I love, love, love my friends and family. They are just all spread out and sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected from it all. I have good friends here but they all have their own lives and Nicole is off in Venice seeing awesome things and I'm staying at her house trying not to spend money.

See, I would get out of bed more if I thought I could go out and about. I can't though, when I go out I spend money. It might just be on food throughout the day, or it will be a new book (or five) or it will be a movie and popcorn and candy... I'm not outrageously out of control but there are very few things in life that don't cost money to do (beside the walking in parks and such, but I'm also a fearful person and wonder if walking alone through forest like parks is all that safe) and so I stay at home and work on projects or read books... but reading books ends in me laying down and then needing a nap. Then the night comes and I'm wide awake but no one else is or they are out partying. That's not my style. I don't party well (unless we're talking like a 6 year olds princess party complete with castle air jump) and so have a hard time connecting with a lot of people my age.

This is all a long winded beginning to the point of this post...

So, here goes....

Because I've been staying home a lot and haven't felt like blogging much besides my Happily Wasted posts (which are basically my favorite thing) and part of me feels bad and another part of me sees my follower numbers going down slowly and gets sad but I don't want to throw together posts just to hold onto random people that might not even really read my blog.

Another tangent, shoot.

So, here, point getting to... tonight after sleeping all day I found motivation to work on some things that have been on pause. A couple of e-courses I bought about a year ago that I have yet to finish or read through all the way. 

I started with the one I was mostly done with and realized I left off on the best post for the current night.

It's titled: How to Stay Motivated

Hmmm, yeah perfect.

In it, Teika, of Selective Potential, writes a couple of sentences that I wanted to mull over...

If you aren't dedicated to your blog, you'll lose motivation. That's why it's so important to blog only about things you are passionate about. If you find yourself saying to yourself, "Ugh, I don't feel like doing a blog post tonight" or "I'm just sick of my blog" or finding other excuses or reasons to not blog, you're probably not dedicated enough to it!

My first thoughts: it's not an issue of dedication to the blog, it's a matter of being dedicated to anything. Leave it to me to find life thoughts in a e-course on blogging. 

So I thought about that a little more. Yes I love my blog. I absolutely love sharing things with the unknown world, I'm not sure what it is about my personality that thrives off sharing what I'm thinking but it's definitely a big part of me. I love reading comments and connecting with new people. I love reading other people's blogs and finding pretty things. 

I love when I do find motivation and come up with something that I like. 

For instance, I was looking for a picture to put at the beginning of this post and just couldn't find something on piccsy or on pinterest that was anything close to what I had in mind. In a matter of minutes I thought of an idea with the stuff I had around me, took the picture with my phone, uploaded it to picnik and created what I wanted. 

It's times like those that I love blogging and such.

I think my biggest excitement in blogging is the sense of accomplishment. Of writing a good post that flows well or creating a new image or writing about something that others can really connect with. 

My thoughts after more time to think:

Last night (early this morning) I looked up commitment phobia/anxiety and found that I may as well have my picture with the definition on wikipedia (ick) because it describes me to a T. Not necessarily the relationship aspect, though that I'm sure is correct too. My real worry right now is for other things though, like committing to my next big step in life, committing to trying something new, committing to moving out of my apartment that I decided a ways back was too expensive...

basically committing to anything longer than a week or two.

And if we're talking about exercising or quitting Diet Coke, my mind balks at the idea of committing for even a week.

I'm not sure I have dedication to put into my own life right now. I'm living day to day but not even doing that really well and I'm a little worried. (Mom, please don't call worried about this, I'm going to find a psychologist.) 

I'm not worried about bodily harm, I'm not anywhere close to that. I'm not worried about not living, I still want to do that, I just want to be out of this violent cycle of being okay and then being depressed. My happy times come but they are fleeting and I'm basically torturing myself by not committing to anything.

I also have a noisy mind and know some of the reasons I do (or don't do) things. That's another hard part. I am constantly analyzing myself, my choices, my motives, everything. I can't make mistakes because I don't let myself do anything. 

Dedication... I need it.

As a silver lining, I think I'm coming closer to the peak of the mountain called "C's mental issues." Sometimes I forget, but looking back I have definitely come a long way. There are some big things I'm going to be tackling next but one step at a time I'm going to find a way to learn. Maybe I'll learn how to shut off this loud mind of mine and just experience some things.

So, in case you were wondering, that's where I've been and what I've been doing... reading, sleeping and worrying. 

xoxo