around here

This is not a happy post, but it is an honest one. I feel like I should state that before going forward. I do my best to stay optimistic and positive here (and in my mind) but sometimes you get a little more than you can chew comfortably and that's where I'm at today.

A week ago tomorrow everything started out fine, I took a photography class, I made a new friend, had lunch with an old one, went on a photography adventure with my meet up group and took family photos. 

Then Tuesday came, and with it a whirlwind of yuck. Monday night/Tuesday morning, about 1:30am I got the news that one of my good friends from Portland had taken his life. I still don't know exactly what to say. Sometimes my mind is calm about it, and I know that if nothing else, he is without his suffering, but other times it just knocks the wind out of my sails and I crumple thinking about where his mind was at to decide that life was no longer worth living. 

It's no secret to those around me that I've hit hard and dark times before. During those times I would ride the bus over one of the Portland bridges and wonder what it would be like to be enveloped in the water below. It wasn't an end I wanted though, just some peace. My mind was torturing me endlessly and sometimes, when I felt like I had enough, I just wanted to be sedated, I wanted someone else to take over the thinking for me.

But even then, when I would find myself balled up on the concrete floor sobbing desperately for reasons I didn't understand, I wasn't ready to walk away from this. I didn't feel like I had hope, I felt pretty awful, but I guess I did, because I wasn't ready to call it quits.

I ache with the thought that he couldn't live one more day. I don't know what happened exactly leading up to this, but I know how he was, how stubborn and decisive his brain could be. I guess he was convinced that this was the only way. I wish every minute that he would have reached out to us. 

And with all of that, with the processing there I thought it was enough. But come 7 pm Tuesday night I got another call and a voicemail. My mom was crying. I hoped illogically it was about my friend, even though she hadn't known him, that maybe the idea of someone my age doing that just made her sad... but I knew that wasn't the case. I didn't want to call her back. I wanted so badly not to call her back, but I knew nothing would change and I'd have to hear it eventually.

Tuesday, at about 5pm, my grandpa passed away. There, on the phone, with my mom on the other side, I had nothing to say. I was angry, upset, sad, whatever else you want to call it. I was frustrated. I punched the steering wheel (I was still in my car, in front of my house), clearly that did nothing, and the pain was insignificant, so I pulled it together, gathered my stuff and when in the house. All I wanted was a shower and my bed.

After spending Tuesday in a emotional daze, Wednesday was a breeze. I think my brain tapped out and opted not to feel anymore. I worried about that, should I be grieving differently? But there's really nothing to be done. If there's anything I've learned through my life it is that my brain processes when and how it wants to. 

Today it hits me again. Today it's all a little overwhelming (there's so much more going on too... but I think those two things are enough for here) and I find myself on the brink of tears randomly. I need more sleep, I need sufficient food, but health ailments have found their way into my life as well and so things are all just a lot a bit screwy.

Despite all this I'm still positive about this year. I know that there are still awesome things in store for me and I just have to work through this. January will go down as a tough month, I just have to be a little tougher.

xoxo