grateful when I don't want to be

found in the vortex of lost photo credit: aka tumblr

I'm in a real funk lately. Like, staring at a wall or the ceiling or the backs of my eyelids because I can't bring myself to do anything else when I'm not working kind of funk. 

But there's only so much sleep I can get, and there are so many tumblrs to peruse for yet another saying to get me through another day. 

They don't last long for me, maybe a couple of days and then it feels like hogwash, but I guess I can revel in those couple of days and then search for new ones when the magic fades.

Todays is above. The things I take for granted are the things someone else is praying for.

The pessimistic part of me says something to the affect of, why would anyone pray for this... and then, deep down, through the pessimists gritted teeth, comes the realistic, and some days, even the optimist.

I'm trying to find her now.

So what in my life could people be praying for? What am I taking for granted?

This list is in no order of importance. 

- my health. yes, it's in the pooper right now, and everything seems to be happening at once and I can't get my intestines to work like they use to, before November, BUT I also don't have to take handfuls of pills to get through a day, pills that I know are going to bring on some awful side effects, but I have to continue to take them because the overall benefit is potentially better. I'm taking for granted the lack of need for medicine. If I'm being logical the fact of the matter is what can be realigned will be eventually and what I'm saddled with forever could be much worse.

- my family. I don't ever mean to take them for granted. And even when I'm my darkest I know that I care about them so much, and I love them and they love and believe in me. I don't know why, but they do. So I'll just say thank you. (#4) Because I decided that was one of my truths. I don't think I take them for granted as much as I use to. I think I've grown here. I hope I've grown here. Even when I want to trade my mind and my skin and just about everything else there's always that, oh wait, but then my family wouldn't be mine. And that's just not an option.

- my hair. maybe that's vain, I don't care. I appreciate it's color but sometimes I don't realize how different it is. I just think it's a thing, because I've been living with it my whole life. It just takes time to get use to anything.

- my computer, my toys, my gadgets. I spend some time worrying about what I want to get next and sometimes forget what I have. I love my cameras. Is love a strong word for an object? What about an object that helps you try to capture beautiful things? No my laptop is not the latest and greatest, but it gets the job done, she turns on, she is of necessary speed on the internet, I can make these blogs and read others, I could even start learning photoshop or indesign if I so chose. someone who did not have cameras or a sewing machine or a computer or a bed or my phone for that matter might just be praying for even just access to these things. 

- my mind. this is a hard one. I fight my own mind at every turn, or sometimes (many times) I give in and I don't like the reality I create. I feel so stuck in here, I want out. But maybe someone is praying for a mind like this. Who knows.

- my eyes. to read, to watch, to capture memories... my eyes that see things that others might not. my eyes that get to take in things that I do and don't have. my eyes that appreciate my idea of beauty.

- my education. I brush it off a lot because it's just a Communication degree but the fact of the matter is I enjoyed those classes. I enjoyed that time I spent on it. I wasn't there taking Comm because it was easy. It's not easy. Communication, actual communication, interpersonal, group or mass is not easy, it's complicated, it incorporates psychology, sociology and health. There's a lot to communication, and those who think it's easy probably aren't always doing it right. Not to say I am, ohhhh no. But at least I have a better idea of how to say things in delicate situations. 

I guess I don't really need to justify it here. But the point is, some people don't get to go to college right after high school, they don't have anybody that saved money for it. I had both. And I enjoyed my classes. I think it's fair to say that some people pray for those kinds of things.

- my bed. it's comfortable, it has blankets on it, sometimes I get too hot, but some people don't get beds to sleep on or enough blankets. so, another thing to be grateful for.

- my jobs. ugh. I don't want to be thankful for having to commute between three, but I do have three. And sometimes they even pay the bills... most of the time, especially when extra doctors bills aren't popping up. Not only do I have three jobs, but I have bosses that care about me at all three. For that I am very, very fortunate. 

- my friends. I don't know why they are my friends. But thank you. 

There's more, there will always be more. But I'm tired and I need rest.

xoxo