First Thoughts From Twenty Seven

Like most birthdays I don't feel any older or younger when the clock switches the days over. I also don't feel older when the exact time I was born rolls around. I just feel like me. If I'm in the right mindset, and usually I am on/around my birthday, that is a good thing. It means I am full of hopes and dreams and wishes and wants and possible plans for another year.

This year was different. After months of taking things on as negative events and then one last cherry on top (seriously universe, that can be the cherry on top... let's give the heavy stuff sundae a rest for a bit pretty please!) I was definitely not in the normal birthday state of mind. I didn't want to celebrate, though deep down I did, all I really felt like I was able to do was cry, or lay in bed. I didn't lay in bed, I went to two jobs and then dinner with dad's half of my family, and then we got to talking, me and him, because sometimes I really need that... even when I don't want it.

I woke up the day of feeling low, feeling overwhelmed with my life and the lack of control I felt like I had over my brain and everything else. I had spent the last few days considering the world to be a big, scary, risky place that I just didn't have the luck to navigate fully. I was quiet and honestly getting all the different happy birthdays on my phone and on the social networks made me feel sadder. How awful is that? I mean that in a sense of, what was I thinking?! I am such a big advocate of birthdays that feeling off just made me feel even more off. And goals? Ha. Nowhere to be found. I just wanted to weather the storm my brain was brewing hard and fast and then try to crawl out days later to lick my wounds.

Luckily, dad was having no part of that. He wants me to be happy, and we both remember a time when I was very happy, and we're both trying to figure out a way to get me back there. Consistently. He has the bonus of outside perspective and an even more linear mind than I do. He has also been a lot of places, seen a lot of things, had to deal with a lot of different crap, and managed to come out on top... his words have weight.

So we sat and he talked and I cried as I tried to explain my tears and a few things became clear (some to both of us and some to me):

1) I felt like I wasn't in control of my own mind... I've been feeling like this a lot lately, like my thoughts and other things happen to me and I have to then process it. My dad wasn't having too much of that. He acknowledged that yes, our thoughts can sometimes seem to come out of nowhere, but it's up to us to process those thoughts and do everything we can to rewire the negative into positive.

2) I was considering the world to be a scary place. I have let this thought run rampant in my mind for a very long time. Sometimes it holds more weight than others but it's always back there, hanging out. By the end of the conversation, as I was walking to my car to take myself home, I realized the world is not a scary place... it's just a place. Scary and bad things can happen, but that's not the world, that's just life. And because of that I stumbled upon a new personal truth... scary and bad things can and will happen in life, it's a small price we pay for the opportunities we get. It is my job to make positive things happen as well. It is my job to balance it out. I can't protect myself from everything, we can't live in perfect bubbles, we just have to make some (many) of the neutral times great so the bad holds less weight.

3) I perceive my worth as low while my friends, family and many coworkers and bosses (present and past) perceive it to be high.

4) Somewhere in thinking about 3 I fell upon 4 which is another truth/thing to incorporate in my life... instead of always asking why someone likes me or why I got hired or why they keep me around or why they think I deserve a certain amount of money or why they think I'm pretty/funny/cute/smart/etc... I should learn instead to say Thank You. Instead of asking "why" when friends/family/people think you deserve something, say "Thank You." And then feel gratitude and maybe even a sense of accomplishment.


Basically, after all was said and done, the metaphorical cake was eaten, I was given the birthday gift of thought and realization... oh yes, and a little side of power. Power to think differently and know that I do have more control than I was letting myself believe.

Just as a final word, had I been in the right mindset my birthday would have been just as wonderful as any and all before. I have very generous, loving, wonderful friends and family who care about me very much. Their affections are not going unnoticed and I appreciate it very much.

xoxo