blurry picture and nonlinear thoughts

a photographic representation on my thoughts about life right now... hazy, blurry, a little jarring to the senses...

I've come to a point where I don't even remember what it is I use to write here or why I did it. I get so lost in the "what kind of post should I do?" that I forget about what I use to want to do when I thought no one read it, or when I just wanted a collection of things for me. I go back and forth on what I want from this space, sometimes I want to scrap it entirely and start over but I'm not sure I would do anything different than I am now. I read books about blogging and wonder how to make this little space more popular, how to reach more people, but I often come back to the question why? Have I stopped going through my day to day here because I don't want to bore, offend, or seem any certain way to people who may or may not read this?

I really don't know.

What I do know is that there are a handful of blogs that I would just love to be like. But I think I get caught up in being like them that I don't know what to be myself.

Or I don't have pictures that will go with the post. I don't like using other people's pictures anymore because of respecting the artwork of others AND because I want to be motivated to take even more pictures. And then I get caught up on if the picture is good enough or if the words flow well or if I am giving an accurate representation of my day or life and I stop typing and save a draft and walk away.

I've been told many a time that I'm too hard on myself. I don't know how to fix it because in my brain I've decided that the thoughts I have about myself are normal, and like many pessimists will say, "I'm not being pessimistic/negative/cynical, I'm just being realistic."

I've been feeling like my life is really cyclical lately. Like no matter what I do, no matter how fast or slow I go I always end up back in the same place. Not like a circle, more like an infinity symbol. This realization along with some others has made me seek outside help to realign my thoughts, my mind and my body. I don't want to feel like it's inevitable that I find myself back in the middle over and over again, I want to feel like I'm getting somewhere new. It doesn't have to be an intensely better new, but a new with different feelings and emotions and experiences.

I might post about my trials, I might not, that decision has yet to be made.

What I do know is, I just went to kill a spider in my room (sorry spider lovers) and I hit it just so that baby spiders burst out of it... worst part, mama spider got away, back under my bed. I'm feeling a little itchy now.

xoxo