To begin I want to say I wrote this a while back, like months and months back. But I find it to be mostly if not totally relevant still, especially since I've been working with more cameras and I'm coming to a point where I'm going to learn the manual mode of my DSLR. All that I think about here is going to be important in this journey. I must learn over and over again that it's okay to be a beginner.
Lately I've been doing some things, taking some steps to get out of a mental rut I get in from time to time. The one that says I can't do things or that I shouldn't do things... The one that does the same thing day in and day out and doesn't get excited about much and sleeps as much as possible.
I've always looked at the art classes in college catalogs. I even branched out a couple of times and took some. In high school I took painting and drawing, in college I took painting and I had a brief, very brief introduction to photography, with dark room activities in high school.
I've been through obsessions with piano, guitar, violin, painting, drawing, collaging, crocheting, photography, writing, etc.
In high school I was really unaccepting of personal failure and I was NOT allowed to be a beginner at things. If I was bad at something in the beginning I figured it was a personal defect and reflected negatively on me.
That feeling actually started way before high school. I remember trying to draw an outline of a state from a big book of states I had and getting so mad at myself I threw a tantrum and my mom finally helped me by showing me how I could trace over it.
To my mind, everything I did had to be at the very least good. If I was allowed to be a beginner I had to be the best beginner there was.
After the first two years of college, when I moved to Portland and became involved in a new environment, the tight lead I had on my beginner self slackened just the tiniest bit. I found a way to write papers for school that wouldn't leave me bawling before I typed the introduction sentence.
I learned how to sing sometimes in front of friends, (definitely only sometimes) and I let myself make things every once in a while.
When I moved back to San Diego after graduating something finally changed. It was small and stayed small for a couple of years but it was like the beginning of the break through.
I started taking pictures with Holga and Diana cameras, I started taking polaroid pictures with first stage film. Some (many) of the shots turned out horrible. I even cried after I got back two rolls of film with maybe 3 or 4 pictures between the 48 possible exposures that I liked. But I didn't stop. I don't know what made this different than some of my other hobbies, or the painting classes I took where my creations were left half done at the end of the term. But something in me wanted to keep trying.
When I moved back to Portland (yet again) there was a lot to let go of. In the past year I have happened upon some wonderful books that have inspired me to try everything again. To try things I've been pulled towards for years but stayed away from due to perfectionism and the inability to be a beginner.
I'm slowly but surely being nicer to myself about everything. I don't beat myself up anymore when some shots from the polaroid come out wrong, or when the sentence doesn't seem quite right on this blog. I do the best I can and learn with each mistake.
This term I signed up for a class on Holga photography. The class was scheduled to meet only three times and is not for credit but I jumped at the chance and I am so very happy I did.
I've learned simple things to help me with my plastic camera photography, ways to make things a little closer to how I want them and ways to lessen the frustration.
Best of all, when shooting the rolls of film I am excited again. If some shots don't print the way I thought they would I don't stress out or blame myself.
Maybe next term I'll take a darkroom class or maybe a painting class... I've even thought about taking a piano and keyboard class. I'm ready to be a beginner. I'm ready for shitty first drafts, I'm ready to provide quantity and let quality come as it may.
Maybe now that I have learned to be crappy I'll be able to create something pretty!
xoxo
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