Changing My Perspective

Friday morning I decided to conduct a quarterly review. More on the actual review later, but for now I want to talk about perception. Because before I put pen to paper, when I was thinking first about goals for next quarter, I thought I hadn't accomplished much during the first. I figured second quarter I could make up for what I lacked in the first and I'd figure it out from there.

Imagine my surprise when the first question was: What went well? And I had things flying from the pen to the page. I thought I would list maybe 3 or 4, but I kept remembering more. Oh yeah, I completed my goal of going to Palm Springs for my birthday AND I had my wonderful guy by my side, I not only signed up for the gym, but I started going on hikes with my guy and being so much more active than I have been in a really long time. Old Corey would NEVER have suggested a hike as something she wanted to do with her weekend. Unless it was at Torrey Pines but that didn't happen often in the past.

As I was writing these things down, and more and more just kept coming to mind, I wondered why I was feeling so far behind. Why I have been feeling so unsuccessful lately. I had been feeling like I was failing in exercising because I didn't go to the gym three times  (I ended up doing just that AND taking a yoga class AND a pole dance class this week... so, no failing here) and because I haven't woken up early enough to go to the gym before work and because I hadn't gone through all the machines yet. There were just so many reasons why I wasn't doing enough and I needed to do more. And that's not just with exercise.

I recently took on the habit of flossing. My metaphorical dentist is finally breathing a sigh of relief. And I started my flossing habit at night, and then I realized that at night I get kind of tired and want as little in my routine as possible before bed, so I switched to morning. And I've been really good, but still I wonder if I shouldn't be flossing two times a day or if night would be better so things don't just stay between my teeth for 8 hours...

When I got to the end of my list of things that had gone well in the first quarter I took a second to really think about what I wanted out of the second. I thought I wanted my second quarter to be a list of things to complete, boxes to check off. But I realized that if I continued making my goals this way, I would continue focusing on what wasn't being done and how I was failing.

I realized in doing this quarterly review that I need a perspective shift, I need a new angle. I need to enjoy. Enjoy life, enjoy the times not checking something off of my list, enjoy breathing and being and having fun. I go through periods of my life where I forget to have fun. Where it all becomes about checking things off my list and somehow feeling successful.

But if that's all I focus on, if I don't take time to enjoy my wins, big and small, if I don't take time to enjoy, and laugh and not take things so frickin seriously, then I'll just have a list of checked off tasks and I'll be sitting on the brink of the next quarter wondering why I don't feel like anything has changed.

I'm not 100% sure on the solution, but I know it's going to have to be grounded in gratitude. There's going to need to be more time for fun. And my language about my projects is going to have to change. Instead of having to go to the gym, I get to go to the gym. I get to work out and feel stronger which is a big goal of mine. I GET to. Not I HAVE to.

I get to work on my blanket that I've been crocheting. I don't have to. No one is paying me to make that thing, it's purely for my entertainment. But I rarely feel entertained when I think about it.
It's time for a mind shift, back to gratitude, back to celebration of wins big and small. It's time to enjoy it, whatever it may be. Take it in and enjoy it.

xoxo

The Hobbit Hole

A few weekends ago, (over a month ago, it's taken me this long to write this all out) Dan and I went to see part II of The Hobbit. I wasn't all that interested in going but he does so many things that I want to do I realized he really wasn't asking for much. Plus I realized there would be popcorn and milk duds so my resistance waned.
About a quarter into the movie I started thinking about Tolkein's thoughts while writing this book. I started wondering who in their right mind thinks of the creatures he does. But then I let myself think a little deeper and suddenly The Hobbit became a metaphor for life as many of us know it now. Many of us are at the beginning, we have just be beckoned on a journey. Our curiosity is peaked, but we are resistant. Something deep down inside is screaming, but we have so many walls built the sound is faint, and still we are very resistant.
We have our routine, our mental Hobbit hole. That faint little voice is getting louder though, we still only hear a whisper but deep down she's causing quite a scene. People can see this in you, even if you don't see it in yourself. It's Gandolf's mark on the Hobbit door... your mark to bear.
You let it sit, you try to ignore the whispers and the people that see it in you, and you can be pretty successful, you've been practicing for years. But someone else or something else barges in, and then six or seven more somethings barge in, and that little voice is screaming at the top of her lungs and it's not forgotten anymore.
Whatever it is that barges in starts making a big ol' mess of that mental (and physical) Hobbit hole. It isn't necessarily rude, they may say please or thank you, or they may try to clean a bit after themselves, but they (thoughts, a person, a group of people) make a big ruckus and are loud and you can't hear your old thoughts. You try, very hard, but for the moment the other sounds are too loud.
Then the actual proposition comes, not just the hint of it, the actual proposition. No one is dancing around the idea anymore. It's on the table. And there is much resistance still in your head. So much resistance. So you sleep on it maybe, and something, who knows what, tugs at you. You wake up, and it almost seems too late, so you take off running... you're going on this journey, you're ready for this adventure.
Here's the deal, I believe, to have a truly fulfilling life, we need to go on this adventure.
It might not be the journey Bilbo Baggins goes on, and I really hope not considering the creatures he runs in to... but your journey will be long, and sometimes it will seem fun, other times it will seem like a nightmare. We might not actually meet up with an actual Orc, but you better believe some of the things you might come up against (your own demons perhaps) will be just as gruesome, just as foul.
But still you must keep going.
You will have people with you along the way. Don't take them for granted. It won't always seem like you can trust them and it won't always seem to them like you can be trusted, but when it comes down to it, you need each other in really tight situations, and really big messes. You both will be on this journey for your own reasons, you both will face your own demons. When the spots get really tight and when it everything seems lost despite the demons, you'll help each other out.
Sometimes your demons won't appear as Orc, but instead they will appear as something shiny and beautiful. Something that seems to have a great deal of power, and can help you to be better than you have ever been. You'll notice, however, that this something will also bring out a dark side, be careful with those shiny things. Use them only as you must.
I could go on and on for another handful of paragraphs here but the take away is:
Go on the adventure. Help others and in turn let them help you. Beat the orcs, come face to face with the dragons, and use the shiny objects sparingly. If used too often they might reflect an image of yourself you just don't like.
Go forth. Be brave.

xoxo

February In Review

As I put this post together and list the things I've done this month, and books I've read I am realizing that January was much more active whereas February has been more cerebral. I was getting a little down about the whole thing when I remembered that February is a short month and I lost 14 good "Active" days to a healing foot tattoo. It wasn't like Dan and I were sloth like on purpose, though we did have some good naps and lazy weekend days, it's just that we had other things going on. While there hasn't been a frenzy of movement this month it has been incredibly full. Valentine's Day was above and beyond what I could have ever expected it to be and I'm so very grateful for that.

I did sign up for a gym membership a couple days before getting a foot tattoo. Not my best timing decision, but I'm excited that my days of foot rest are now about over and I can put on my sneakers again. The elliptical is calling my name.

Best of all, March is my birthday month and I have an awesome birthday planned for myself, I am taking 4 days off of work, two on each side of a weekend and Dan and I are heading to Palm Springs for three of those days... so excited. But more about that later. For now, here's February in Review.

I read:
- Where'd You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple
- Manage Your Day-to-Day by The 99U Book Series
- Love Yourself  by Kamal Ravikant
- Wild by Cheryl Strayed
- You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero (for the 4th time, read. this. book.)
- Vagabonding  by Rolf Potts

Started reading but have yet to finish:
- Bread & Wine by Shauna Neiquist
- Escape from Cubicle Nation by Pamela Slim

I watched:
- Pretty Little Liars /// still love this crazy show
- Friday Night Lights /// one more season to go

Tried new things:
- Popeye's
- I started listening to Podcasts, the one that I really like right now is SeanWes. He's an incredibly talented hand letterer as well as designer. He and Aaron discuss many aspects of being an entrepreneur. I started from the beginning, I think his cohost is someone else now, but I'm still on Sean and Aaron.

Dan and I adventured to:
- Griffith Park Observatory and the Old Griffith Park Zoo, we then went to Santa Monica Pier which was by far the best part of the day
- Wilderness Gardens Preserve
I treated myself to:
- a new tattoo
- a memory foam bathmat that actually dries my feet
February definitely heard a lot of crickets here. We'll see what March has to bring. (Besides my awesome birthday!!!)

xoxo

The Weekly

a weekly processing, a record. a mix up of currently, around here with a hint of time/money/energy expenditure analysis.

It seems it is half way through the month and all I've written is a round of for January. Don't think I haven't been drafting blog posts in my mind, but that's just it, they are drafted and never finished, in my mind. I wonder sometimes if it's because I don't have anything I want to write about but then I know, after looking at drafts saved from past days that this is not the case. There's a challenge that I'm not addressing, and when I do, I'll be more apt to post frequently.
And beyond my normal little hurdles to posting the internet at my house is on a rampage of pretending to work and then losing a signal at the most annoying of times. I keep trying to get it fixed but it is a little out of my hands.

Thinking about: Valentine's Day and how I use to be a bitter, bitter bunny. Totally admit I was one of those people that hated it just because I didn't have someone to share it with. I have had three decent Valentine's Days before this year. I probably could have had more but I was set on being bitter so there. Two were in high school, one of those with a boy who had asked me out 2 days before, at lunch he brought me a bouquet of red roses and an impossibly huge (for being together 2 days) teddy bear. Unfortunately our break up 2 weeks later blotted out the joy of that one. The second was a girls night out, I'm pretty sure we went dancing and coordinated it so we all said we were staying at someone else's house or something. I'm pretty sure that dancing trip took us up to Orange County. That was the extent of my sneaking around.
The third good Valentine's Day was a couple of years ago. The guy I was seeing and his friend were walking around Oceanside and asked me to join. It wasn't a typical V-day but it was cute and fun and I wore a dress. The three of us walked to Ruby's at the end of the pier and had milk shakes and french fries and laughed a lot.
This year... this year takes the cake. I am so so very grateful for the man in my life. Dan knocked it out of the park with flowers, heart shaped balloon, frog holding a heart sign that says "kiss me" shaped balloon, Ferrero Rocher chocolates, a gift card for the Kindle and something else coming in the mail (only the best art print ever of a gorgeous mermaid with traditional tattoos). I am so absolutely spoiled and it brought tears of joy to my face. Best Valentine's Day ever.

Adventured to: Wilderness Gardens Preserve off of the 76. It was a mellow walk for most of the trip, there was one hill and about 20 steps for the hardest of the trails, but mostly it's just a place to wander for a mile and then walk back. It had some green, which I appreciated very much.

Loving: My new tattoo despite how difficult it is to walk with it. Day 1... Day 2 and there on should get better and better.

Signed up for: A gym membership. Don't worry, I'm almost as surprised as you are. It's right by my house, it's $10 a month and I'm actually really stoked on it. My planning could have been better however. Not suppose to wear sneakers for at least 10 days... guess I'll be doing my work outs at home, barefoot for those days.

Cooking:
Sugar Cookies in heart and X and O shapes
Upside down banana cake/bread in my cast iron skillet
Pra Ram
Pancakes that just aren't quite working out

Learning: How to clean a cast iron skillet, after cooking banana bread in it I cleaned it like a normal pan, probably wasn't suppose to do that. It still has banana slice imprints on it too. I think it's time for some coarse salt and then I'll need to re-season it.

Anticipating: My birthday weekend. Not to be ungrateful for this weekend. I am just really excited for a Palm Springs adventure!

Read/Reading:
You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero (for the 4th time)
Wild by Cheryl Strayed
Bread & Wine by Shauna Neiquist

Randomly Searched: how much to tip a tattoo artist. It came up with a bunch of different answers. I went about 20% because my tattoo is beautiful. (if not incredibly painful)

Feeling: The pulsing of my foot. I cannot say this enough, the foot is the worst spot for me thus far, and I covered all the hard parts of it. From the outside edge that's close to the bottom, to around the ankle, to the top bony area to... and this is the worst the second day, the area where your foot bends, the front ankle if you will. I'm usually pretty good about zoning out and being able to pay attention to the vibration instead of the needles after about 10 minutes, but this time, NOPE. I'm not sure if it's because I'm getting older or what. But ouch.
Also worth mentioning, my foot is just a puffy thing right now, and when I walk it feels almost gelatinous on the top, like a thick layer of pudding moving back and forth. Weird? Yes.

Planning: Something big to come by the 1st of June. That's my deadline, I'll write it in big numbers and hang it on my wall.

Motivational quote for the next week (and possibly all of my life):

Start where you are.

xoxo

January In Review

(Image was lost in the switches)

The first month of abundance: I didn't spend a lot of intentional time with my word for the month of January. I spent a lot of it getting thoughts out of the way, reading more than I expected to, and getting my butt to work. Every once in a while I would remember abundance, and I would breath it in and out, abundance of time, abundance of opportunity, abundance of funds to do the things I want to do... I know there's a lot more work to be done though. I know there is a better way to connect and believe in abundance. While I wasn't exactly working on abundance in January I was doing a lot of things and seeing a lot of places! January looked a little like this...
I read:
- Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl
- Allegiant by Veronica Roth
- Me Before You by Jojo Moyes
- Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn
- Choose Yourself by James Altucher
Started by did not finish:
- Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone

I watched:
- Nashville /// From the beginning to the most recent episode, I am hooked!
- Girls /// Not feeling it anymore, brings me to a sad and anxious place I don't want to be
- Pretty Little Liars /// sucked me back in like a hoover
Tried new things:
- I ate lobster
- Went to the chiropractor (more on that later)
Dan and I adventured to:
- Kate Sessions Park
- Old Town to see Heritage and Presidio Park
- Lake Calavera and went for a hike to the top
- 1000 Steps in Laguna Beach and it kicked my butt, and my calves
- Cleveland National Forest and walked a small train
- Cabrillo Monument
- Enzo's BBQ. We eat there pretty regularly... we order it to go and then have a little picnic on my bed.
I introduced new habits:
- flossing /// I know I shooouuld do this, but getting around to it just doesn't happen all the time
- writing 750 words a day /// I was really good about this for a while, like almost 100 days in a row and then I forgot one day and I was sad and didn't come back to it. So now I'm back to it.
- going to bed by 10:30pm /// I'm working on going to bed earlier so it will be easier to wake up earlier eventually. One step at a time.
- drink 6 glasses of water a day /// I've quit Diet Coke, again, and 6 glasses is a goal that I have to work for but doesn't feel as impossible as 8 glasses. Like with the earlier to bed, earlier to rise, one step at a time.
Despite not paying too much attention to my word this month I did seem to do a bunch of things. I found myself rushing from one to the next though, so in February I am looking to slow down a bit and savor more. I want to spend less time seeing if places or things meet up to my expectations and more time seeing what is. February, in my quest for the feeling of abundance, will be about seeing what is and enjoying it to the very last drop.

xoxo

Hello 2014

Hello again blog world. Hello again readers. It's 20 days in to 2014 and it's just gone by so fast. I've done so much, I've felt so much already and this year, oh this year is shaping up to be a good one. I spend the end of last year with my boyfriend and family, doing holiday things and then counting down to the stroke of midnight.I spent January 1st in bed, not hung over, but relaxing, reading, and planning.
By now, the me of years gone by would have had a list of resolutions and a game plan that would fall apart somewhere into month two. Last year changed my mindset a lot, I learned to slow down (a little) and to appreciate. I learned that no matter what you plan, life's going to just make other plans.
I also learned that life making other plans is okay, in fact, most of the time it ends up better.
I started last year jumping into something full of miscommunication and unmentioned needs. I ended the year with a fantastic man that is no doubt the calm to my storm. He's also my partner in adventure crime. He turned out to be everything that I wanted, everything that I was afraid to even think to want. So, like I said, sometimes life gets it better.
With that in mind, I allowed the obsessive compulsive side of me write lists of resolutions, but I haven't held myself to them. Things like, floss daily, 52 in 52 projects and wake up at 6:00am weren't necessary. They weren't do or fail. I just let them sit, let them ruminate and just let myself be.
Last year I managed to cross more things off my life to-do list than I even realized, and I did it all after the hardest time in my life. Through health issues, a broken heart, the loss of a friend, the loss of my grandpa, my first accident that I was responsible for and a look down the end of depression, somehow, I turned myself around like I never have before. And despite my brains ruts in negativity I've managed to build myself a decent foundation of mental strength and confidence that I'm not sure I've ever had. I've also started making new paths in that brain, paths of positivity.
Needless to say, it was a hard year, but it was not without great reward.
This year while writing possible resolutions and thinking of things I want to do I had a word come to me. It was with little effort, it just popped into my head one day and I thought, that's it, that's what this year is about. I'll share that word later.
The point is, this year is about making plans, and letting life mold it as she will. It's about being gentle with myself, kind even. It's about further building upon that foundation that 2013 gave me.
I am so excited to see what's in store.

 xoxo

A Look at 2013

via

This past year surprised me. Completely. From the beginning right up to the end. It started out rough, like really rough. Like losing my good friend to depression and my grandpa to old age within 24 hours of each other, like being in my first car crash that I was responsible for, like cutting my finger open at work on Mother's Day and needing 10 or more stitches. Like thinking you've found someone that you might start a relationship with and learn that they aren't the one. Like going from loving food to eating only bananas and toast, with an occasional side of chicken or apple sauce for a month.

But then it shifted, or I shifted. I starting really believing that things happen to people. Things happen to people. Good things, bad things, doesn't matter if the person is good or bad, things happen. People hold in their grief and decide this life isn't for them, other people grow old and their body just can't do it anymore. I believed in the beginning of the year that the stars might just have aligned, and that this was going to work, that the universe owed me this one, finally. I was proved wrong again. I was mad, so mad, not only that, but I was disappointed, in myself and it took me most of the year to pull out of that fully. But one step at a time I did. I started trusting the Universe, not just saying I did. I started understanding that you have to go through things in life because that's what life is. I started really believing that you learn from the harder times, that you grow from them.
I grew, and the pessimistic side likes to say I only grew a little... but I'm starting to let my positive side have the last word and she says I've learned, and therefore grown, a lot.

This year I went on two trips, one up to San Francisco and back down the California coast, and then another, to Nashville, a place I have wanted to go to for probably four years now. I went to a conference, I fell in love with Franklin, right outside of Nashville and best of all I felt like I'd found a new place that I wanted to explore.
I went from three jobs, to two jobs, to one. Just one. It's full time, with benefits, and it pays my bills. It's made me see just how much I need to figure out how to lead my own unconventional life. But it's stable for now, and that's what I asked for.
I fell into a relationship with a great guy. This time I didn't think the Universe owed me but I did finally believe that I was worthy of it. I had stopped my usual courting techniques, I had learned what I really wanted someone to like, and within weeks we found each other. I'm not saying that's how it always works, but this time it did.
I prepared over 52 recipes and found myself somewhat addicted to cooking. I did not expect that to happen, but it did, and I'm very glad.

Most importantly, I started enjoying the process.

////

What else did I do in 2013...

watched /// Friday Night Lights & Girls

read and loved /// You Are a Badass, Packing Light, The Little Prince (while sitting in a children's chair at Barnes & Noble), Love Does, The Graveyard Book, The Science of Getting Rich, Lean In, Daring Greatly, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years, The Gifts of Imperfection, Dash and Lily's Book of Dares

listened to /// the story so far, Paramore, Zedd, and fell in love with Country

+Bungee Jumped!!! 
+ celebrated my sister's 21st birthday
+ adopted some succulents... didn't kill all of them
+ swam with sharks (well, I think I did... the visibility wasn't so great that day)
+ did two photoshoots for a friend
+ hiked three trails in Torrey Pines

All in all, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but it was a good year. I'm incredibly blessed.

xoxo