Lately

Learning: How to edit photos in Lightroom. Really excited about this. Finally, finally starting to figure out how to get my photos a little boost!

Reading: Just finished Year of No Sugar which definitely blew my mind and started worrying me. I am a sugar-a-holic and even on days I think I don't eat that much turns out I do. Because it's in everything. Time to start making my own bread I think. No sugar needed in homemade bread. I have a couple other books checked out from the library but I'm not sure what is next. Going to scale back heavily on anything self improvement oriented as I am no longer using it for good, just as more ammunition against myself as examples of what else I could be doing better. Fiction and memoirs please.

Watching: Pretty Little Liars, every Tuesday. I'm sure I've said it before, at least on FB... I am addicted to this show, but I wonder, every single episode, why these girls keep going into dark houses and forests by themselves when people are getting killed. Seriously ladies. AND, just go tell the police. My friend did remind me the police are not fully trustworthy, but still. So many more issues than necessary. I started following Troian Bellisario on instagram because on her free time she trains in silks. Rad, rad, rad. At the same studio she also trains in self defense and it makes me want to go to the studio and train too. Thinking about starting Orphan Black or Masters of Sex. Watched the Pilot of Masters and loved it. But couldn't find the second episode for free.
Saw: Wish I Was Here. Loved it. Not surprised.

Listening/Dancing/Singing in the car to:I want u - Alison Wonderland
Adrenalize - In This Moment
Dust - Eli Young Band
Crazy Town - Jason Aldean (foreshadowing here)
Young In America - Danielle Bradberry
Partition - Beyonce
Bend Ova - Lil Jon

Stressing about: My life a month from now. Big changes underway (see foreshadow for clue). Very, nervous. I want to push the nervousness to the side and be excited. Working on that.

Excited for: Portland this weekend!!! Going to go see the Oregon coast FINALLY. Lived there about 3 years total and never went to see the coast. Unacceptable! Also excited for seeing best friends, getting a cupcake from Saint Cupcake, getting tattooed from my friend Lisa who just got her license!!!!, getting a donut from Voodoo, going to Sinferno, and being back among the trees.

xoxo

Life Lately - A Breakup

Life's been a crazy, crazy mix of emotions lately. Like heartbreak city and excitement over the future while wondering about each feeling and processing and planning and worrying. Always a little worry.
Leaving Austin was the hardest thing to do. I left there ending a relationship that has been the focus of my life for the past 9+ months. I didn't know if I wanted to post anything about it here but this is a documentation of my life and my thoughts and the things I find online so it seems a little inappropriate not to.
The first week was hard then easy, the second week was confusing and started easy but ended hard and sad. I feel like a few more weeks here on out will be filled with the same. I'm the kind of person that moves on to the next thing super fast. I don't mean the next person, that's never fast, I mean, the next thing, the next thing that's going to make me feel giddy or hopeful or in some way happy. Thinking about the end of a relationship was not something that was leaving me with hope and I did't mean to but I sought distractions. Books, new computer, planning what's next. I'm doing my best to grieve too. I know grieving is very very important. Grieve what is lost. We're still talking but obviously it's hard. I don't want to be in Austin, even if I would love to visit again in the far future. I want to be in Nashville. My head was screaming "What about Nashville" the whole time I was in Austin.
That didn't leave room for giving Austin a fair chance. It didn't leave room for an actual vacation, I came home far more worn out than I had been on the flight there. But questions were answered. Questions that I didn't want to ask, questions that he didn't want to ask, questions that we all try to avoid until our body or mind or tear ducts just won't let us ignore them anymore.
Something is calling me to Nashville. I couldn't even begin to tell you what exactly it is. I can't guarantee I'll find what I am searching for when I get there. But I HAVE to go. I was at a crossroad of Should and Have and my body, my mind picked Have. I should have stayed there, I should have made it work somehow, I should have found a way to fall head over heals for Austin. Maybe. Who knows. But that's what it felt like. I felt like my heart was being ripped as my plane took off back to California. I cried even though there were people in the seats next to me. I tried to keep it as quiet as I could but my nose gets stuffed up and I start sniffling pretty fast into the waterworks. I am trying not to tear up about it now.
I know now better than ever what people mean when they say dreams take sacrifice. That you're going to have to give up a lot of good and great to get blow your mind, out of this world, right. I know what they mean when they say we have to do things we don't want to do. Like say goodbye. Not to the person forever but to that time you had, those months, those eternities of smiles and hand kisses and adventures and waking up and not knowing what to do on weekends. I never knew before because I didn't let myself get close to that kind of emotional investment. I regret none of it. I cherish all of it.
The future is going to have some pretty big shoes to fill. 
Until then I'm here, heavy and light.

xoxo

Before the Jump

I can feel it. I'm sitting on the edge of something new. I know it's time to move forward, but I'm still finding the path. I've been working hard these past couple of years. Working hard to make improvements to the little things, the little things that make up the big things. I've been staying put so as not to run away.

I promised myself that the next time I went somewhere new, I would be running toward something instead of away.

I've been reading a lot of books, and one of them had me facing some interesting questions. Questions like: What is your Prince Charming? What are you looking to be saved by? The exercise is to see what you've been waiting for this whole time, what you just really hope will come and save you, the thing or person or idea that will make your life peaches and cream, sinfully delicious with no retribution. That Prince Charming, it's been outed so it can be acknowledged. Not judged, just seen. Then once you've taken a long look at this supposed Prince, start teaching yourself the truth: you are your own Prince Charming. It's going to have to be you.

My Prince Charming? Probably the open road. Or epiphanies. I am a fool  in love (or maybe lust) for the idea of epiphanies. Something that sticks, something that clicks in an instant and it stays more powerful than the habits and the thoughts that you have been cultivating and practicing for years and years.

Epiphanies aren't going to save me. And now that I think about it, who says I need saving?
I don't need to be saved. Yes, I'm often frustrated, yes I could grow more in certain aspects of my life, yes I could be making more money, seeing more places, posting more to the blog, etc. But does that mean I need saving? Absolutely not, I'm not so bad off.

I have a roof over my head, clothes to keep warm, a fan to cool off, a computer to type, explore and learn, cameras to capture beauty. I have family, and friends. I have my significant other that loves me for exactly what I am, right now. Without even trying, he's teaching me to love that too. Me as I am. Right here. Right now.

So where am I going? What am I on the edge of? I'm not sure yet. I know it's something great though. Something bigger than I've done before, maybe by a lot, maybe by a little. Time will tell. It's going to have some rough spots, all great things do.

But I don't and won't need to be saved.

And I'll be running at it, instead of away.

xoxo

Currently

Thinking about:So many things, all the time. So many things. Like resumes and salary requirements and saving and paying off debt and travel and airline miles and missing my dear boyfriend terribly, and booty bounce classes and how the heck I'm going to have enough material to fill another hour. And my sore muscles from my splits workshop class and oversplits and blogging and what books to read next.
This is nothing new, I have a lot more than this going on inside my head most days.

Feeling:Right this moment I am feeling open and positive. We had a good lunch meeting for work recently which made me feel a bit better about my position and what I bring to the table.

I'm feeling intense anticipation for my trip to Austin, TX. Not only will I be reunited with the man, I will also be exploring the heck out of a new city!!! Get this, they have a skeeball league in Austin. It already has a little piece of my heart.

Proud of my sister who graduated on Saturday from NAU. It's so crazy that we're already here that I've been out of college for 5 years now. FIVE! But back to her, she is on her path to success, there's absolutely no other option for her, it's how she's wired. I definitely look up to her for that.

Watching:

The last season of Friday Night Lights. I binged watched Season 3 of girls the weekend before this last one. I will be watching The Katy Perry movie eventually.

Love and sometimes watch The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

Missing Pretty Little Liars terribly.

Staying up to date (for the most part) with Nashville and Game of Thrones.

I haven't watched this many tv shows/movies since possibly before high school. But generally it's in the binge watch fashion.

Realizing: 
So many good things about myself and my future and the stories I've been telling myself about myself and my past. Sounds a little redundant doesn't it. Been putting the self improvement books and articles to work, been keeping a list of things I value about myself in hopes to use the new confidence and appreciation to go out there and take on this world. I've laid low for far too long. It's time to really see what I can do.

Looking for:
Adventure. Small and large. A trip to Santa Barbara to visit a friend maybe, or one to Los Angeles for a flea market. My adventure to Austin, TX at the end of the month!!! And whatever else this year holds.

Reading:

45 Pep Talks by Kara Haupt

#Girlboss - Sophia Amoruso
I Shouldn't Be Telling You This - Kate White

Eating/Cooking:
My new favorite dish is a combination of brown rice, sweet potato chunks, avocado, black beans or chick peas and spicy peanut sauce. I've made it for my dinner/next day's lunch three weeks in a row now. Basically the only cooking I've done in a long time.

Working on:

My resume. No matter what is in the future, a good resume is a great tool to have. After reading so many things on career blogs and in the two books mentioned above I feel it's time to step up my game. Not just for my future, but also to have something to come back to when I'm feeling a little rough. Something that reminds me of where I've been and where I would like to go.

 

xoxo

My Mission Statement - A Rough Draft

I've been flirting with mission statements lately. I've researched how to write them and what to write in them. I've looked at others and take bits and pieces. I've cried and shut down, I've written for pages and pages. I worked through a Mission Statement generator and didn't like the outcome, it seemed to square, too boxed in, chewed up and spit out.

I wrote notes about what a mission statement should have and the page with those notes found a home under a little cabinet I have by my bed. Not on purpose, but that's how things go sometimes.
I wrote myself a list of things I could do to get through the days until Dan and I adventure again. Yay for an Austin, Texas visit, and one of them was MISSION STATEMENT, written just like that. Caps, caps, caps.

I have been working my way through different worksheets that go along with Money: A Love Story and I think it's no coincidence the things I've been able to work through and the clarity I'm starting to find. In the past couple of days I've made realization after realization (and also had realization hang overs) and when I found that sheet of paper, hidden under the little cabinet, I sat down and decided it was time for another draft.

Instead of formulas, numbers and goals I have feelings. I wrote what made my heart feel free. I don't think it's done yet, I want to make it read pretty, but done is better than perfect, and a rough draft is better than none.

So here it is. I will read it daily, maybe even write it in the morning, and I'll see if anything changes, expands or simplifies. One day maybe I'll have a finished one, but until then I want to live by this. One day at a time.

It is my mission to:

Go on adventures large and small. Celebrate as often as possible. Love with an open heart. Take risks that make me feel alive. Phase out what makes me feel small. Sleep well, sweat often and eat food that makes me feel good whether it’s salad, steak or a donut. Dance. Build lasting relationships, waste no time on frivolous ones. Practice gratitude daily. Savor. Laugh freely. Get sand in my shoes and crumbs in my car. Whisper many “I love you’s” and act on many more. Be a mirror of other people’s potential, not what I perceive to be their faults. Explore that which excites me no matter how silly and no matter how bad I might be at it. Embrace the beginner’s mentality. Be authentic and unapologetic about who I am, what I love, and where I am going. No comparisons needed, I am enough. Not a problem to fix, not defective. Luminous.

 xoxo

Quarterly Review

What went really well?

Romantic: My relationship with Dan grew leaps and bounds in the past three months. We were always good, but we're getting even better with time. I have been humbled more than once, learning that my communication skills aren't always as good as I would like to think. But that is a positive, because I can work on it. And I have more control than I think, of my perspective that is.

Fitness and health: I've started experimenting with different yoga classes, Dan and I have been hiking on and off, I signed up for a gym membership and have been going at least once a week, I've been cooking more for my lunches, I restarted my habit of breakfast... started and have stuck with a flossing habit which has been a little thing on my mind for years now.

Hobbies: I've made progress on my black, white and gold blanket. I bought a bigger instax (again) and started taking instant pictures again. I was feeling cramped with the mini and my bank felt broken by impossible film/polaroid. So the instax wide has worked out. I have been staying on my pictures, keeping them organized in my iphoto, being vigilant about deleting unnecessary ones.

Misc: I started giving private booty bounce lessons to a friend that I met through the pole studio I've been going to off and on for a few years now. Because of this, I now have a booty bounce 4 week workshop that I'm going to be teaching at the studio! I'm so excited to bring the power of jiggle and loving what is to my friends and some new girls. It's not Miley twerking nonsense, it's booty bounce and it's a whole lot of fun. Really, really excited for that.
My birthday! I've been wanting to plan a getaway for my birthday for YEARS and it worked out! Stoked.

What was challenging?
Figuring out what to work on and realizing that good things have happened this past three months. I often feel like I am stagnant, that nothing new is happening, that I'm not doing enough, I'm lazy, boring, unmotivated etc, etc, thank you insecurites. But that's no true. In fact, just about none of it is true. Maybe the not doing enough is true, but if I had a direction mapped out I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be the case anymore. The fact of the matter is, I'm not lazy, I wake up pretty early compared to what I use to (SUCCESS, goal met) and I start doing things, they might end up being a lot of chores that don't have long term affects, BUT, I am doing things. So, the habit won't have to be switched from doing nothing to doing something, I will just have to switch out some errands and replace them with some tasks that really get me where I want to be going. Challenge? Figuring out where exactly I want to be going, because I want to be going to a lot of places and doing a lot of things.
My other challenge, putting 40+ hours of time into something that doesn't do anything for my life goals. I know I don't have them exactly pinned down yet, but they are feelings, and this isn't at any point feeling like I'm spending the time in a productive way. Work takes up at least a quarter of our week... I want that quarter to be meaningful. Definitely the goal I need to be focusing on. Hard.

What were the biggest lessons I learned?
The biggest lessons I am just starting to learn. The first is to really enjoy it, and write it down. I get so caught up in what I am not doing that I don't celebrate what I do. It's time to celebrate, big and small. Maybe then I'll be even more inclined to accomplish the next steps, or even bigger goals. Or, the best part, enjoy this life.
The second lesson is to focus. I am just starting on this. I know that I need to focus, because it's hard to keep track of the baby steps I'm making in all different directions. My head feels like it's spinning quite frequently when I get excited about things. I think the hardest part of focusing on things to me is what to focus on. What's the correct thing, what's the habit that will positively affect everything else? Do I stop doing everything else until I get that habit? Does it depend on the size of the habit? Does everything else have to go? Do I focus on the blog, my blanket, finding a job, etc etc etc. But if I focus on the blog will I even have things to post about if I don't get out or make that blanket. I think a lot, it could be said I think too much. Maybe I'll find a way to make that work for me in the future.

What are my favorite memories?
- Valentine's Day
- Booty Bounce competition at Dollhouse (I miss being a go-go)
- Birthday in Palm Springs, going to Calico Mining Town and Pioneer Town with Dan, sitting by the pool, driving through the mountains, walking through the grounds of The Ace, trying to walk the grounds of other hotels but getting deterred by the valets
- Birthday in general, dinner with each family, work lunch, going to the shooting range with my dad, soaking it all in. good vibes.
- Giving private dance instructions, for booty bounce no less. Over the moon about that.
- Santa Monica Pier with Dan. Best date ever and it wasn't even meant to be a date. I was wearing my favorite outfit, we laughed in the photobooth, played a tiny bit of skee ball and I got a churro. Magic. That night was magic.

Was I honoring my values/ ways of being? How? What might have been lacking?
When I talk to my friends that are going through a hard time or are trying to figure out what direction they want to take next or if the one they are currently on is the right one I talk a lot about trusting the universe and working hard. I haven't been connecting to that trust lately. That could be part of the reason that I haven't felt the joy as deep, it could be why I focus on what I'm not doing instead of what I am... I'm not sure, I just know that I need to connect back into that faith, that trust as much as possible, and to also work hard. To believe that these dreams of mine are fully possible and to take any and all steps to get there. To dream a little bigger, to take up more room, to be strong. I want to connect back into that, the feeling of faith and strength. The gym and exercise is helping me with strength and the connection... well, I've started writing gratitude down in a journal with my goals and daily delights. I want to remember in a positive way.
I was a bit tense when I started my quarterly review but I was happily surprised with what I found in it. It also helped me so much with what I want from this next quarter. But more on that next post.

xoxo

Quarterly review questions from Stratejoy How to Conduct a Personal Quarterly Review

March In Review

March, oh March. You were beautiful and magically as I love my birthday month to be. So many feelings, mostly really good, some "what in the heck am I going to do." Okay, fine, a lot of the latter as well. Great memories though, and some space for growth.

I read:
- 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam (2nd reading)
- The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion
- Escape from Cubicle Nation by Pamela Slim (welll... I finally finished the last chapter)
- A couple chapters from I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi
- The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
- Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist
- Show Your Work by Austin Kleon

My favorites of those listed above:
- 168 Hours
- The Power of Habit
- Show Your Work

I watched:
- Pretty Little Liars /// ughhh Season Finale how you get me every time!
- Friday Night Lights /// I watched maybe one Episode
- DIVERGENT /// I liked it a lot. I can see how the hardcore book fans would have some problems but I still loved this movie. Love. Four, good lord.
- The Grand Hotel Budapest /// Wes Anderson never disappoints. I didn't know it was one of his walking in but as soon as it started I knew, and it felt like home.

Tried new things:
- Aerial yoga
- Yoga 101 at Black Sheep in Oceanside
- Had almond butter for the first time

Dan and I adventured to:
- Palm Springs!
- Calico Ghost Town
- Pioneer Town
- Elfin Forrest
- Bayside and Four Year Strong show at House of Blues

I treated myself to:
- Palm Springs birthday trip
- some other things I'm sure

March was a pretty magical month. I'm hoping working on making April even better.

xoxo