Montana

How do I even start my story about Montana? With a sigh? With a tear? Maybe a little of both and a hint of a smile. Montana. It started May 1st, I met a man (off of Tinder) who was here visiting, recording an album. I didn't think much of it before we met, and the plan to meet wasn't set in stone. It was my favorite, non committal type of plan, if we're both in the same place at the same time, then we'll meet. No expectations, no pressure.

We ended up at the same place, at the same time. I had met a few of my out of town friends in the busiest most touristy part of town but they weren't able to stay long and so I had some options of people to meet up with next. I sent a message and went to one of my favorite bars right off of Broadway. It shares it's name with a movie, there's no cover for females and if you're brave (or just really liquored up) you have a platform to dance on. It was but a quarter of an hour at most before I got the text of arrival, I turn around and there he was, looking better than the pictures I had swiped right on. It was a moment, one of those where things just click, where there's no one else in the room, where there's a straight path from you to them. That moment turned into a full night of picking songs at that favorite place, of trying to beat the crowd and find somewhere to partner dance, of feeling like a queen walking around with her real deal cowboy date. He bought me a rose from a guy in the street, and I didn't stop him. We walked the pedestrian bridge and laughed about all sorts of things. There was a moment a second too late where I wondered if he had just been about to kiss me, and then so many second after trying to recreate that space so it might happen.

There was an adventure out to the Parthenon at 2:30am because it wasn't time to go home yet, home meant him leaving in the morning and I wasn't ready. We walked around, we hid from possible cop cars, and another of those moments, but still mostly friendly banter. Then back to the parking lot where his car was, trading opinions on country music, and then him saying it was time to dance, right there, music playing from the car. Laughing because dancing on an unkept parking lot surface is so much different than wood floors. Talking and talking about nothing and everything because it wasn't time to go but we weren't ready to make the move forward. And then finally calling it, him walking me to my car, me getting in and just looking at him, and then getting back out. A goodnight kiss that was everything it needed to be and nothing more.

An amazing first date.

Go through then, a montage of daily text messages and then moving up to phone calls. Questions, questions, questions about past, present and future. The work of getting to know someone. The frustrations and limitations of work schedules and distances. He living in Texas, a place I had left my ex because of distance almost a year before. An attempt from him to come back here and then the invitation for me visit on his trip back home. A state I had never been in, but had been thinking about going to... Montana.

Two weeks later I was on a plane, ticket paid for, feeling once again quite like a queen in cowgirl boots. Antsy for hours at a time and then I arrived, in that small airport of Missoula. I walked out of the airport to a sky that I'm sure I'll never forget. Quiet, calm, spotted with clouds, mountains in the distance with frames of trees. He picked me up in a diesel truck and off we went. We drove for over an hour, windows down, my hand out taking it all in. The sky, the mountains, the trees, the wide open spaces, the small towns with small shops and then more sky, mountains, trees and wide open spaces. So much space to breathe.

The four days passed slow and fast, a blur of pups running up to the truck as we came up the dirt road, the room that was ours, horseback rides up a mountain, off trails, curious cows and a horse that needed shoes. Riding in a rusted truck seatbelts off, the shooting of guns in an open field and nights on his friends' porch. There was a night where he played and sang some of his songs while the puppy kept me warm, curled up on my lap, I could have stayed there for a very, very long time. There were chickens and pigs and talks of hay and curiosities about farm life answered. And that view, the big sky, mountains framed with trees, it held me attention completely.

It ended too soon, I would given a lot to stay just a few more days. I left with tears rolling down my face, kicking and screaming on the inside. I took a chance, I pushed my boundaries and regardless of the tears that may be in my eyes right now, I am very glad I did. It was everything I wanted it to be while it was. Montana and the man left some big shoes to fill.

xoxo

Breaking Up - A Year Later

This was always going to be hard to write about. I went up and down in feelings for much longer than I anticipated. Much, much longer. They say half the time you are together with someone and that should be the amount of time you take to get over it. That might be true for some, but it wasn't true for me. It's not that I thought we needed to be back together, I figured we would have been even more painfully torn apart if I had stayed, but it's hard deciding to end things with a best friend.
I'm often embarrassed by how "long" it has taken me, how sometimes I still remember a little something and I have to take a deep breath. I'm suppose to be strong and independent... I moved across the country by myself for heaven's sake. Then there's also the fact that he moved on months ago, MONTHS. And how the discovery of that hit like a ten ton truck. It wasn't just the finding out, but the fact that it was posted like I never was, for everyone to see, heart eyes and all.

About three months ago I told the heartbreaking story of the last night to a good friend, and I cried again because it still felt pretty new. But there was something in that telling that was different than all the other tellings. Somehow that telling released me, and deep in the depths I guess I decided I was okay again. I noticed it with a song. Driving a few days later it came on the radio and instead of turning it off immediately I enjoyed it as I had more than a year before, completely separate from the meaning it had grown. I didn't remember or notice the ease until it was almost over. But when I did I marveled and wondered what had switched and most importantly I took that as a good sign.

The truth, a year later is as such: I loved him very much. I didn't love myself very much. During the first 6 months I went back and forth from questioning my decision to being very sure it had been right. It took longer than I expected to be even partially at peace. The truth is we aren't right for each other anymore, but I am glad we were then. I'm glad I got to experience all that I did with him for so many reasons.

I meant to post this a while back, and since thinking I had posted it I have found myself in another break up situation. This one hurt different, but I'll save that for another time.



xoxo

Lately

Lately...

I've been working, I got myself a second job after being with only a 3/4 time job (better than part time don't you think) for about a month and a half so things are looking a little more stable financially. Well, that is, they were, until we got noticed at my apartment that it the rent is raising and we need to agree to another year... neither I nor my roommate are interested in that so it's to the internets I went a searching. After not too much hard work and a lot of good thoughts into the universe I found an adorable place. I'll be moving farther south to an apartment with a great view as seen above (let's hope people don't buy and build in the next 6 months) and a new friend. While it wasn't an ideal time money wise, it is definitely a push I needed. I'm really excited.

I've been going back and forth on using Tinder. I'm not one who believes heavily in internet dating for myself, I'm a bit of a strange bird when it comes to dating in general, so Tinder is a bit of a game, but it's an addicting and while also annoying I just can't seem to quit it fully. I did stop for a while because I found myself uninterested in actually meeting the guys I was matched with, but then I got bored or lonely or frustrated with the lack of single men I come across weekly and went back on it. I ALMOST met up with someone but they showed their true colors right before and so it just wasn't meant to be. It was comical though, someday I'll probably tell you the story. Last weekend though I met up with a few different guys from it, they didn't start as dates which is perfect for me, way less pressure. But one turned into an awesome night that I will never forget that included a rose, dancing in parking lots and a 3am trip to the Parthenon. That was a win.

I have been watching a lot of tv and movies via netflix and checking them out from the library. I went and saw The Longest Ride in theaters with a friend of mine and about died. There's a rodeo coming in May, guess who's goin. This girl.

At work I've been figuring out how to feel like I've done enough for each day, how to structure my work with the assignments that I get handed. I am fine tuning existing procedures and adding some things here and there. I'm working most on being present and finding solutions for my frustrations rather than think it's time to do something else. I have a pretty amazing situation going on here, and I want to make it even better.

I've started reading this amazing book called Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, Ph.D. and ladies, this is a game changer. I don't think I've written much on here about my human sexuality studies over the years, but this book... this book should be required reading for women. It's not the bs you read in Cosmo/Glamour/Women's Health about all the tricks and tips to better satisfy xyz, this is a self improvement you-are-completely-normal-even-if-none-of-your-friends-have-that-same-experience kind of book. It's about how desire isn't a switch you just turn on. This is monumental. Well, it could be monumental if many woman and even some men read it. I'll be posting more about it I'm sure. I'm in love with this book.

It's been a mix. I was feeling really low for a couple weeks and then snapped out of it and had a really awesome following few days. I know that technically being happy is a choice, but sometimes we make that choice, or we try our best to make that choice and either we aren't ready or we haven't been convinced yet. And then something snaps into place, it just clicks over and everything is fine and wonderful again. I think it helped that the sun came out and it got warm. The warm parts of Spring are my favorite.

How have you been?

xoxo

Nashville Six Months In

I don't know where to start with this, I promised myself that this would be a positive space but I also promised myself that this would be an honest space. I want you to know from the beginning of this post that a great many good things have happened in my move here, I also want you to know that Nashville is nothing like I dreamed it would be. To those of you who are looking to move here for the country music scene I would say look elsewhere. (Or maybe look in different place than I have?) I feel silly in admitting that I was looking for a country mecca with a city close by, but it's true. I was looking for big trucks, country in many bars and boots... all the boots.

It's hard to write this, because there are many good things about Nashville. It's a city that just keeps growing (bad for traffic, good for jobs and diversity), it's creative and collaborative, there are many, many opportunities for music here. I think it still is the country music capital even though many try to deny or drop the "country" from the title. People still travel here far and wide to kick off their country careers and yet...

What is definitely prevalent here is a fashion and foodie scene. I'm seeing things that were trending in Portland, Oregon three years ago making it big here now. (Man buns anyone) I loved Portland for what it was when I was there, but I also left for a reason. Besides gourmet/artisan/creative donuts and pizza I really am not a foodie (and we don't yet have creative donuts here). I like Chipotle, sometimes Panera, and other basic things. I don't want to eat at restaurants that serve foofy things at high prices. Give me normal green beans or chicken or beef or potatoes, please go easy on the cheese mixed in to everything, please go easy on the things I can't pronounce. I am adventurous when it comes to taking road trips and looking for good places to take pictures but when it comes to food, no thanks. I'll save myself the stomach ache. The good news is that I have finally given myself permission to not care about all the restaurants here, they have come off my list of places to go try.

Nashville city proper is a great place for many young people. I see the charm, I see why people boast about how great it is here, I totally get it. There are cute shops and so much choice with food and local beer and different coffee shops, but like I said, all that makes me feel sort of like I'm living in Portland again, with more humidity.

I recently was talking to a client while on a job and she told me that it could take a couple years to really settle in, that she had moved out here from California and it took a good chunk of time to adjust. I took this as good news. I had been hard on myself up until that point wondering why I hadn't found my place and why I was still feeling lonely. Time... it just takes time.

I admit that I am lonely and miss the comfort of home. While I do have friends out here they aren't really ones I can meet up with every Monday night at the local bar or talk about anything and everything with...yet. I had at least a couple friends in San Diego that have known me for years and who don't think I'm all that wild or foul mouthed... here things at least pretend to be a little more proper and I'm still figuring out where I fit in to that. Up until Sunday I didn't think I had anyone to go try and find rodeos or country bars with... I figured I would have to go it alone and sometimes that kind of task is too daunting. I will drive a lot of places by myself, I will vacation by myself, but go to a bar alone, I have to already be out and with friends and then leave them, and even then, the bar has to have a good place to dance... preferably a bar top. I have odd standards at times, I know.

The good:
I have a group of creative friends to adventure with, I recently found that one of the group also came here for country so her and I are going country exploring... we are determined. I have a Target pretty close to my house, it hasn't been very hard for me to find work, I have a schedule that falls pretty in line with what I thought I wanted, I have an opportunity to do exactly what I thought I wanted to do at one of my jobs (the jury is still out on if I will continue to want to do it, but it is a huge learning opportunity and it's a heavily supported position, so I have definitely won there) and I get to drive by horses and cows and see how another state operates. I can take longer showers because we are definitely not in a drought here, my room is humongous and the library is very close so I have a plethora of book choices at all times, there is fried chicken here and not just KFC, there is hot chicken here which I dare to try every once in a while and the side roads are gorgeous for a sunny afternoon drive.

All in all, six months in is a little rough around the edges. I'm hopeful though. Moving to Nashville has been and continues to be a huge learning experience. I have been learning about myself, I have been learning how to better take care of myself, I have been learning more about what I do and don't want, I have been meeting interesting people and I still have at least six months to fall in love with this place. Six months of warmer weather and completely new experiences. There are still so many things to do, and places to see. Crossing fingers and toes that I find a little more of what I'm looking for.

xoxo

Permission Granted

For many year I have stifled myself. I know I am not alone in this. The worst part, I (we) don't realize we are doing it. It's a curse of perfectionism, of living up to this movie screen montage of what life is "suppose" to look like. Well, I'm tired, and I want to feel joy instead of make sure it looks like I'm feeling joy. I'm giving myself permission to let go of perfectionism, and it looks just a little like this:

I hereby proclaim permission granted for the following:

To do what I feel I need to do in order to create a beautiful and fulfilling life. If that means saving one quarter and racking up a little bit of debt (on worthwhile, long term things) the next or vice versa then so be it. If it means leaving a decent man to chase an idea of something, fine.

To be exactly who I am... Apologize when it comes out a little too rough, but also know that grace is real and it happens to the best of us.

Leave a relationship that just isn't working. Work, friend, love, business deals, hair length (it can totally be a relationship), fashion trend...

Wear what I want to wear.

Leave a job if it feels really stifling (as long as I've done my part to communicate my needs and try to make it work).

Take a nap when my body is feeling tired, when the sun is shining in just right and my bed looks like a wonderland.

Speak up.

Eff up. It's going to happen. Push past my dear.

Love the crap out of shows like Pretty Little Liars and Hart of Dixie. Justify it by telling myself "at least it's not Desperate Housewives of ________________." Who cares.

Get excited, about anything. Chipmunks, they are exciting and cute and wonderful and we don't see them in Southern California, get excited about them. Get excited about caftans because Gala Darling looked like she had an awesome vacation in them and they look so airy and wonderful for the warmer months. Get excited about glitter or all black or Carmex chapstick in a tube instead of in a pot. I don't care. Permission granted, get excited.

Like trendy shit. Don't like trendy shit. Hate it and eventually be that b who comes around and likes it months and months later because she couldn't stand that everyone was talking about it at first. Be "wrong", change my mind, change it back. Love it, hate it... respect others ability to do the same.

Stop liking things I loved before if it just isn't feeling good anymore. Times change. It's okay.

Believe that the life I want is absolutely and totally possible. The pay I want is achievable and more than reasonable. The experiences I want to have are not unheard of. The places I want to go are easy to reach. The people that I want to meet exist. So on and so forth...

Believe that life is an ultimately positive experience.

Waste hours perusing beautiful blog posts and pinterest boards. If my work is done and I'm inspired (not envious) then have at it.

+++

Access Denied:
Self loathing, nit picking, unrealistic expectations. None of that is fun and even worse, none of that gets anything done. Nothing and everything in life is super serious. Keep going, you don't suck even when you do sucky things... do your best at what you want to do your best at.

xoxo

Grocery Cart

This morning I opened bloglovin before journaling gratitude. Normally that is a misstep, normally (or what I want to be normally) I drink water right after I wake (that really don't happen yet, but it's my new intention) and I either get dressed for the gym (mon, wed, fri) or I get some breakfast and sit down with my journal. I'm having a bit of a time figuring out the details exactly, balancing the variables and the expectations. I'm quick to jump in and demand the world of myself, but it doesn't stick. So I'm working on reasonable, small steps paired with routines to get me where I want to go.

That being said, this morning I did grab my breakfast, but not my water... hold on a sec, I need to drink some of that... and I opened bloglovin to quickly click "mark as read" on a post selling beautiful things (I am not in a place to think about wanting more) and then I was able to feast my mind upon Design For Mankind's post titled The Apple Slice. In, the Apple Slice DfM wrote (quite beautifully) about how sometimes we go to the grocery store hungry, or we show up to twitter, instagram, Facebook and Bloglovin when we are mentally fatigued, frustrated or filling unfulfilled. And similar to when we are at groceries stores with hungry bellies, we fill up our cart (or our mind) with slices of others lives that we want to have.

And your sunlit corner loft, the one by the fiddle leaf fig tree and the sheer curtains, book on lap, bustling city below? That looks pretty nice right now. I want that instead. I want to trade the truth I’ve arrived at ... for a single slice of your life that looks appealing when my eyes are glazed over and my heart is tired.
We know we’re not supposed to grocery shop when hungry. We know the result – a cart full of empty choices that make us salivate but will not nourish. And yet, we do this every day, right here. We blink at the screen, our thumbs scrolling down, down, down. Another sunset. Another macaroon. Another fiddle leaf fig tree.
We are starving, our hunger insatiable. And we mindlessly, accidentally, subconsciously fill our grocery carts – these beautiful minds – with empty choices that make us salivate but will not nourish.

It would be hard for me to say it better than she already did. So I thanked her. I thanked her because she put words to something I didn't fully realize I had been doing. She put words to what happens when we (I) look at these snapshots of other peoples' lives wondering how ours (mine) just doesn't match up or even seem to compete. Sometimes I look at my own feeds, mostly this space and instagram and wonder if others are scrolling through, wishing for my shared slice.

The truth is, and I'm sure many of us now know, everyone has their own problems, they have their own demons they are fighting, and if I were being more fair, there are so many instagram feeds I don't follow of peoples' lives I obviously don't want to trade. I set my grocery store up with only the finest of sweets and treats, and then go shopping hungry.

I'm not writing this to say that I'm going to delete instagram or take a hiatus for x number of days, weeks, months. I'm writing this to say that I want to start showing up to my instagram feed a little more full, and with more intention. As I scroll through feel gratitude for the pretty pictures, the snapshots and know that their context, while beautiful, is not nearly as easy as it seems. Know that the house behind the camera in the shot of a perfectly designed room could be in disarray, or it could not. Either would be fine. Because no matter how much I want and wish for those other slices of good, the not so awful and often times wonderful reality is that I'm here, in my own life.

Here's to showing up a little more full on the good things, or at the very least, a little more intentional. If I find myself on instagram feeling hungry and unfulfilled I want to remember to take a step back, to realize it's just a small slice, and to appreciate it for entertainment value. Then go back to filling up my own cart.

xoxo

The Slogging

While there are so many different reasons I have neglected this space is the past, lately it looks a little like this: my life doesn't feel that pretty and I don't want future/current employers/lovers/friends to know that I don't have it all figured out.

It was easier to post when I first got here and Nashville was new, things were exciting, the week to week routines hadn't set in. Nashville was playing it's best Prince Charming and I was along for the horse drawn carriage ride. I found two jobs that would hopefully pay the bills, keep me social and even have me doing a little of what I possibly wanted to be doing.

Here's the deal, horse drawn carriage rides are not smooth. In the beginning you don't notice because Prince Charming is right.there. and there are gorgeous horses in front of you and "look out the window!" (this is a fancy carriage) But soon your body starts to give little hints, and after a little while longer you wonder how long you're going to last on this ride. Prince Charming/Nashville is still right there, and we're still moving along (paying bills, meeting some people) but the bumps of rocks and pot holes in the road are taking a bit of a toll and now it's time to find a new ride.

What I mean by all that is: I'm constantly job hunting, job exploring, job perusing. I'm examining what roles and skills I've used before (secretarial, entry level customer service, administrative and personal assisting) and searching for bits and pieces of other skills that I have used that are just waiting to be realized and expanded upon. I'm wondering about how to get jobs that aren't what I've done before.

While I love the blogs I follow now, I would really love to read some in-the-middle, slogging it out, hard (but not bad) times before good stories. The ones that aren't pessimistic and woe is me, but are saying, hey, is anyone else feeling crushed and elated and confused and useless but sometimes powerful by the career contemplation? This is what I'm doing, this is how it's feeling... is anyone else out there also wading through this too?

Here's my truth future employers/lovers/friends. I'm slogging through some muddy, muddy mental waters and job descriptions. I'm facing some snakes (they one's saying "I can't possibly do _____"), my feet are trying to slip out from under me and my nose sometimes wrinkles at the smell (metaphorical... I take showers). The sun is shining, I'm not depressed, but sometimes my muscles become fatigued and I get shaky. Other times I find a bit of extra energy and I make a squelchy path forward. I'm wading through the "I don't want to apply for what I use to apply for, so what the heck now?" mud bogs.

It's slow. I don't know how I got to from the bumpy carriage to traipsing through the mud. Maybe I had to leave the carriage and wade through the mud to get to the car and the smoother road. I'm not really sure at this point. That's definitely what I'm hoping. Maybe it's even what I'm planning on.

All I know is that I'm slogging through, and it's tough and I'm not a victim, I'm quite strong, and brave. But this isn't just for a job, this is some serious slogging to find a good path, for now, to grow on. It's why future lovers and friends are also addressed. It's not just what office I want to spend the majority of my week in, this isn't a choice between two titles, it's a process, it's a gathering, questioning, trying hard to find tiny but wonderful answers in the midst of so. much.mud. It's messy... and I'm not sure I'll ever be fully clean.

So that's where I am. In the mud pit, hoping all this mess is going to do great things for my complexion.

Now where did the carriage go?

xoxo