Nashville Wish List

via

It is almost here! Just one more full day (a little less than 24 hours) and I will be on a plane to a city I've wanted to visit for so many years! So many! I'm quite excited. I've compiled a list of places I want to see. I'm not sure I'll get to all of them, but hopefully I'll get to most!

Downtown 

(or what I consider Downtown)

The Bang Candy Company

The Ryman Auditorium

Shelby Street Pedestrian Bridge

Nashville Public Library

Robert's Western World

Belmont

Bongo Java (for Blogger Breakfast)

Local Honey

Belmont University

Imogene + Willie

Bookman/Bookwoman

East Nashville

Marche Artisan Foods (brunch)

Wonders on Woodland

Sky Blue Cafe

The Pharmacy

Jeni's Splendid Ice Creams

Old Made Good

Others:
Cheekwood Gardens
Station Inn

Bobbi's Dairy Dip

I have taken so many places off this list. There is just too much to fit into five days, two of which were totally accounted for and two others that were part travel days. I have this feeling one trip will not be enough. Going to squeeze everything I can out of the time I have though!

xoxo

Many Places Found on Design Sponge's Nashville City Guide

Checklist for Fall

As of yesterday it is officially Fall! I can go ahead and feel okay getting myself a pumpkin spice latte now or making pumpkin bread or anything pumpkin for the next couple of months! Besides ingesting all things pumpkin I'm planning on making some other Fall memories, maybe starting some traditions. Who knows! All I need is the weather to comply with the calendar. I'm really excited though, this year I will see a real Fall when I visit Nashville in October! Very excited for that.

This Fall I endeavor (look how I brought that back) to:
- visit a pumpkin patch and go through a corn maze
- go to a haunted house
- make caramel apples
- celebrate Dia de los Muertos
- run in colored leaves
- drink tea frequently (once it's actually cool enough to do so)
- wear scarves
- go on a hayride
- visit Julian
- picnic at a park
- go to a Farmer's Market
- pet a black cat or two
- invest in one two good flannel shirt(s), pair of cowboy boots and pair of long wool boot socks
- make some pumpkin dish (pretty much a given)

xoxo

image links: steaming cup, caramel apples, layered look, leaves, pumpkins, house

Summer's End

*

The summer weather isn't quite done here in San Diego, but my mind is definitely gearing up for fall. School supplies have been on display at Target for weeks and pumpkin collections are showing up at the grocery store. I've seen tweets and status updates about Pumpkin Spice everything and I am definitely ready.

Before saying hello to fall though, it's time to say a little goodbye to summer.

My main goal for the summer this year was to enjoy it. That meant going places I wanted to go, spending time with friends, feeling the sun and to making memories so that when Fall came I wasn't left wondering where the heck another season went.

I had some ideas of things I wanted to do, some specifically summer oriented, others that have been on various to-do lists for some time. The summer list looked a little like this:

go to a Farmer's Market

have a girls night of drinks, laughs, possibly crafts and snacks

go to a country bar and line dance

Sea World

Del Mar Fair

road trip

find organization to donate to monthly

beach day

swim with sharks

drive in movie

picnic

bonfire

I added things like:

bungee jumping

celebrating my sister's 21st birthday

eating lots of hamburgers 

Opening Day at the Del Mar Race Track

swimming 

While I didn't complete everything, I did most of the items that required the summer for completion. I'll probably put picnic, drive in movie and Farmer's Market on my Fall list. I mean, why not? 

I'm so glad I made a list for summer though, and then followed through on making sure I did things. 

Swimming with the sharks and bungee jumping pushed my fear boundaries, celebrating my sister's 21st made me happy and also made me feel a little old, sitting by two bonfires brought a comforting smell to the season and the road trip at the beginning gave me time to practice gratitude. 

I'm really liking the more intentional way of seasons. I don't need a monthly list, but one that spans three or so. I'm hoping this Fall to create more memories and feel little pieces of time more completely.

What was on your summer list?

xoxo

*Image in top right corner is by Brian Witkin, the rest are taken by me

Nashville Here I Come

In a little less than a month, I, Corey, will be on a plane headed to Nashville, Tennessee!!! My excitement cannnot be contained. At all. Nor can my anxiety. I am so excited for this trip, so excited for what's in store, what I will learn, if I will love it... so excited... and scared. I'm basically unemployed currently, looking for jobs and wondering what the heck I am going to do to make enough money to pay bills and go on this trip. Yes, I have a place to stay paid for, I have my plane tickets and a conference ticket. But woooo buddy, I'm not ready for this monetarily. Not one big. And now I'm nervous as heck. So nervous.

But, hey, I have wanted to go to Nashville for YEARS now. Years I tell you! And the time is coming and soon I will be there and I will be seeing everything it has to offer.

I spent some time a few weeks ago looking up places I just had to see. A couple of my favorite posts I've found thus far concerning the city are these Nashville in Autumn & Nashville: City Guide.

Not long after I looked at these Elsie and Emma of A Beautiful Mess announced they were going to be in Nashville and called for recommendations. Needless to say, I have a list of place I could see, will try to see and will definitely have a bunch to see if I ever go again, or even possibly move there.

Why am I going? Well, there's this conference, it's called the Storyline Conference and it's based off the book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (which I write a little bit about here) and it's about making your life the story you want it to be, a good story, with meaning. I'm really excited for it.

I'll be staying with a couple on the east side of Nashville, in a little place I found via AirBnB. This trip is going to be an adventure of so many kinds. It will be my first time getting on a plane to take a trip to a place all by myself. It will be my first time in Tennessee, and it will be my first time staying with people instead of in a hotel.

So there it is, exciting and a little bit scary and how the heck am I going to do this all mixed into one!

If you have any Nashville suggestions that are budget friendly I would love to add them to my list!

xoxo

From the County Fair

 

There's something about fairs and carnivals that make me really happy. I think circus themed things fit into this as well though I don't like going to the circus nearly as much. Maybe the animal cruelty thing gets me with those. But circus themed things as well as fairs and carnivals made me a little giddy. I love the colors, the sounds, the candy, the horrible food, the possibility of summer love.

What use to be called the Del Mar Fair (now the San Diego County Fair) is definitely a highlight of the year. It's a sign to my city that summer has come and it's time to celebrate. It's time to forget those bikini bodies for a day and sink your teeth into deep fried... well, deep fried just about anything. I believe I saw a krispy kreme sloppy joe advertised... yeah. It's a special place.

I don't ever find myself on many of the rides, but I still love to walk around the games, hear the calls from carnis, see young couples holding hands, older couples holding big stuffed animals that they probably spent a couple twenty dollar bills to win... I love the feeling, the carefree laughter and screaming of the people on rides.

This year the fair did not disappoint. In fact, it was better than I could have imagined. I went twice, once with a group from work and then with a good friend. Both times were awesome for their own reasons. The first time I stayed away from most of the food because I was planning on bungee jumping and didn't want anything to go wrong. I did go on the drop ride, got myself at least somewhat prepared for my jump, I watched my friends go on some others and then we hit the beer garden. I didn't drink until after my jump, and then I had a $8 bud light. Yes, it was that expensive, for a bud light. Gotta love the fair.
The first go round was longer, a more thorough time. We went on rides, they ate all the different foods between the lot of them, we drank, danced to horrid cover bands, tried to win prizes, and, oh yes, got kicked off the ferris wheel.

If you didn't know this about me yet, I'll tell you now...

I. Love. Ferris. Wheels.

And we got kicked off. Because my friends are goons. Surprisingly I'm not upset about it though, it's a good enough story to be worth all the tickets I gave away so they could come on with me (and then get me kicked off). That's what friendship is for right?

The second go round was a later adventure, my focus was definitely more food oriented, or at least dessert. We did a quick tour, saw Joan Jett for a second and then went back for more food. It was the day before the 4th so it was a little busier than I like, but I was still at the fair, and so, I was happy.

Oh yes, and during my second trip there were the animals, the cows, bunnies, goats and... there was an alligator... I'm pretty sure he's not alive and that they charge two dollars per person for a fake thing. Either that or I feel sorry for the beast. His cage gave him little room to do much else but play dead in the water. There was a cooler at the end of the short walkway in his exhibit and we wondered what could possibly be in there. At first we wanted to think it was his food, but I think it was probably just the ticketmaster's food and beer. I'm not sure that alligator actually eats anything anymore.

All in all, I did the fair well. I'll probably end up going to another one in Orange County before the summer is over, possibly alone so I can walk slowly and take more pictures. But this was was good for experience and memories.

It's been a good summer so far.

xoxo

Something to Remember: Do Something That Scares You

Yesterday found me at the fair with a group of friends from work. While I love the fair and have many pictures, this post isn't going to be about that. It's about one specific thing that I did at the fair, something I have been meaning to do for years. A cross off the bucket list if you will.

Yesterday I bungee jumped, and I'm am so much happier than I ever could have imagined, that I did.

I didn't think it would be anything more than a roller coaster ride, that it would be scary, but something I could totally handle. And for the most part I did. But it didn't go like I imagined.

There were a couple times throughout the day when I was given opportunities to chicken out, times where I could have done things that would have made jumping a bad idea, like eating fair food. I didn't do these things, I was tempted, but I didn't. Eyes on the prize.

I want to say that I wasn't scared, that I wasn't ready to chicken out, but I was. Totally. I was aggravated because I wanted to get it done and over with early in the day but things kept happening and people kept wanting to go all over the place (such is the case when you have 8+ people in your group) and I hadn't eaten for a while so I was DEFINITELY in a grumpy mood when I finally walked up to the table to sign my life away on those papers.

I signed up, a guy put a wristband on, then I got on a scale and a number was written on my hand. At this point my grumpiness dissolved... Thoughts of what the heck was I doing?! and Well, money is paid, can't back out now, replaced it.

One of the lovely ladies from the group and I walked back to our chairs, I took this picture of someone else going up in the little cage, I started getting hyper, but scared hyper, we were told to put our phones away and tuck everything in our bags, take off our shoes and put the harness on like a pair of shorts. We then got the ankle straps and were moved along in the line.
Pretty soon we were standing on numbers marked in tape on the boarding rugs... then we were watching other people do their jump.
I was dancing to the music playing because my nervous energy needed to go somewhere, my companion in lunacy was laughing and saying she couldn't breathe.

Then it was time for us to go up in the cage. I was the last to jump. This means I got to ride in that cart up and down twice, I got to see the height TWICE before it was my turn to step outside the little door.

My partner in crime went, it took her a second, she's done it 3 times and still, she had to take a second. But she went, screaming and laughing.

I stayed calm, I may have even flirted with the guy taking us up... okay, so I did. He was cute and I needed a distraction. He seemed more than slightly bored when we first went up, but sometimes I can warm people up, and I think I made it a little less monotonous for him, maybe even for a second.
Back we go down to the ground.

Time for me to get my bungee connected, time for me to say hi to the person taking the video, time for us to head back to the top. I feel the nerves again while typing this, I am back there.

We get to the desired height, I step outside of the little door and I freak. Not outwardly, I don't know how to freak out outwardly unless really mad, but inwardly the survival part of my brain turned on so fast. I held on tight to the handles and as he said one two three my brain said no way. I told him we had to count again... he said look ahead, look at the flag at the top of the other building, so I did, and on three (maybe a silent 4) I let go, and fell, arms wide.

The first second was my eyes closed, the second was me screaming. It's what I've always done when I feel stomach drops like those on roller coasters. It releases something. I also laugh. I might have gotten that part from my dad.

After the bounces up and down, after grabbing on to the rope by my feet, after being caught by the strong man on the ground and sat down in a chair, I looked dazed. They even said so. I was. There was no explaining the different feelings going through not only my mind and my body. Exhilaration definitely, gratitude for coming out alive, absolutely... wonder, no doubt. I was still shaking a little as I went to put my shoes back on. I was still dazed, still not sure what I was feeling.

Eventually I managed to get my shoes back on and join my friends.

Now that I've done it I totally understand my friend's nerves. It's not something you get use to. I don't know how you could ever get use to looking down a hundred feet or more, and let yourself fall, without having the lizard brain have something to say. Was it worth it? More than I ever thought.

I learned, again, maybe more so than ever before, why it's so important to do things that scare you. I felt so many things, so many things I wanted to feel. I watched myself, I saw my reactions, I saw myself trying to talk my way out of it, I saw my body's last ditch attempt to get me back on the ground the reasonable way (a spurt of nausea)... and after all of this I felt glee, uncontrolled giddiness, excitement and shock even. Lizard brain probably had a part in the daze afterward, the "oh my gosh, we survived that" was there.

Terrifying. Exhilirating. Worth it.

That's what it is to do something that scares you. That's what it is to me anyway. Terrifying, grumpiness inducing, excuse producing anxiety. But excitement too. Up until the very last second my brain was trying to talk me out of it, but where would that have gotten me? On the ground, feeling the same, if not disappointed. Yes, the whiplash could have hurt (but it didn't), something could have happened (but it didn't), I could have asked to be taken back down (but I didn't) and I'm left with one frickin awesome memory.

I want to remember this when facing anything that scares me. I want to remember when I'm on the outside of the gate, and the count begins, I want to remember that fear might try to hold me back, but that's when it's time to push forward. Do something that scares me. And it doesn't have to be jumping from heights with a large rubber band holding me, it doesn't have to be skydiving or moving to a different country, it can be small too, it can be talking to that stranger, or taking the picture that will have people staring for a second because I'm in their way, or applying for a new job. It can be big or small, but if it scares me, there's something to explore.

I'm not sure if I can find something to scare myself with every day, but I'm going to make it a priority to do something that scares me far more frequently. The benefits are just undeniable.

Every time I think of that point, standing on the outside, eyes pointed at the flag at the top of a far building, night sky dark but highlighted with fair lights, I feel alive. I can't wait to create more memories like that.

xoxo

the story

found here

I read a book* recently (I'm surprised more of my conversations don't start with that line) about a man who realized his life wasn't that good of a story. It wasn't a bad one, per say, it just wasn't good. It wasn't doing him any favors and nobody would want to watch the thing if it were a movie...
So he did something about it. Less for the movie aspect, and more for the having a life worth living side.
That synopsis doesn't sound nearly as deep as it feels in my head, but we'll get there, stick with me.

So, as I was reading this story I found myself relating to certain parts (as we do when we find what we think is a good story) and almost wanting to cry. This could be because I seem to have a surplus of tears lately, or it could be because what was being said held some weight, some deep and significant relevance to my life.

I picked up the book any time I could, I spent hours in beach parking lots reading by the light of the setting sun... well, maybe two hours, three tops... but you get the point. It was a good scene to read a book with weight and meaning.

I am in this story, and I've created it, I'm suppose to be creating it... or maybe something else is. Something that I refer to as Mother Nature or the Universe or the system and what he refers to as God... is writing this story, and it's not without conflict, and for some reason I expect it to be. For some reason I feel like a lot of us expect this created, blessed life to be without hardship, maybe not those who hit hard and wised up a bit... but some of us hit hard and ran. I'll raise my hand and admit it... hard hit several times and I thought things were suppose to be relatively easy so I ran, thinking the next place might be easier, or the last place, or back to the second place... or back to home again. Nothing was easier. I was still there, plots still have to thicken and the resolve of the main character has to have strength.

I'm in a moment of high conflict in my story right now. And I want to run. But I know I don't have anywhere that I can go for long. And I know that the only way to come out of this better than before is to go through. I'm wincing just thinking about it, but my struggles are really not so bad. When I sit back and think, and compare to other plights, I realize I'm living a pretty basic life.

So maybe I'm not wanting hard or big enough, maybe I'm not working hard or big enough. Maybe I've exhausted the inner work projects and need to find some outer work projects to bring new life to my story. Because right now it's sad, and not pretty. My story is looking on the shabby side and there's no chic involved. My life hurts almost daily, it feels unstable... I often want to take a break from myself. Being sedated sounds like a great option if I wasn't so adverse to drugs, prescribed or not.

But that's not how this goes, that's not how this gets better. If I keep avoiding or running the problem section, the conflict might go away for a bit, but it's not gone, it's just waiting. It's another test and this time it really needs me to get through. Correction, I really need me to get through.

___

It's been a week since I started writing this post and some things have changed. I went to a meeting for Depression and Bipolar which was very insightful, I found a new place to live that is a lot more stable than where I was before, time passed and the hurt of being "given space" to figure out my life lost a bit of it's edge, I went to the shooting range and found a quiet mind for an hour, I went on two interviews and I spent some much needed time with friends. 

To say that I'm out of the woods is a stretch. This month is going to be tough, but I think it's going to be a different kind of tough. I'm hoping it's a tough that means rebuilding instead of falling apart. Sometimes things are still going to seem a little broken, sometimes I'm going to feel sad, but I think I'm on the up for now. There's so much work to be done still, but some of it I will really enjoy, and other parts... well, I'll soldier on through them. 

It's time to be a little more active, time to make some things happen, time to add exciting bits to the storyline. That's when the story starts getting good, when an effort is made. And I'm sitting here, some days just doing everything I can to show up, others doing that and more. 

I don't want to look back years from now and wonder what happened, why I stayed so small. I want my life to be big, and maybe that's what 2013 knew. Maybe what felt like destruction was making room for growth. I can only hope, and continue to live my story. 

xoxo

* A Million Miles in a Thousand Years - Donald Miller

April's Endeavors

I've been quiet, I've been licking my wounds. I've been putting things on the back burner, like cooking 52 in 52 and going on photo adventures with my meet up group. I've tried to jump back in and been brought back down. But it's April, and it's a new quarter, and there are some things I've learned from the last quarter that I'm going to use moving forward.

We've officially hit Spring, and Spring is definitely a time to warm up, to see the sun shine more (metaphorically because it shines here in San Diego on the regular) to see things blossoming. It's a time where rain still comes and nothing has taken full shape yet and I think that's quite appropriate for my life.

Today, on April Fools, the first day of the new quarter, I am moving into a new place. In this month I will write about the reasons for the move, but until then let's just say that where I was at was not stable.
The first day of the new quarter I am not only moving but I am going to an interview. These are the first examples I am making to myself and for myself to show up to life.

I paid less attention to my word of the year for the past two months, I wondered if it was the right word. Sometimes survive felt like the right word, not anything above and beyond that. Looking back though, I stuck to it, just in a different way than I thought I was going to. Isn't that how it goes though, you think it's going to be one thing and then life leads you a slightly different way.
Maybe I had to get through what I've gone through to be able to reach the goals I set for this word back in January.

Through the last three months, and more specifically the last three weeks there are some things that I decided that I'm carrying through April.

This month I endeavor to:

- show up... to plans that I've made, to outings with friends, to interviews and other things

- not invest in my emotions. This may seem counter intuitive but I've learned some big things about myself in the past month, some things that have shed a lot of light and some new understanding on the past 10 years, and right now, I know that my best bet is to not invest in my emotions, to let them happen and pass. Happy, sad, excited, hopeful and everything else, let them be. When things get a little more stable here, when my moods aren't changing daily or even hourly, I'll start investing again, but for now it's about letting them come and go.

- land myself a full time job!

April, please be a little more gentle than the months before.

xoxo

This is January

I sighed deeply before starting this post. I almost skipped January and was going to wait for February to start making set goals but I realized, despite how crazy everything has felt (and been), that January is just getting started. 

So I sucked it up and made some goals... and I put them on a pretty picture.

This month I'm mostly going to spend my time appreciating and working through, staying positive and putting one foot in front of the other. New projects will be started, books will be read, friends will be made, but my focus, my absolute focus, will be to take time to process it all, the good and the bad.

xoxo

a few photo adventure ideas

As I've mentioned a couple of times this year, one of my goals is to grow in my photography. And what better way to do that then to try new things and have a little fun. With that in mind I looked through tumblr and pinterest for examples of things I might like to do.

Not all of them will fit in the year, but many of them could.

Here's to a little visual inspiration for the days when I feel like I've run out of ideas.




Get on a train and take pictures of the world going by

take a picture of something beautiful, break it apart and put it back together

go to a ghost town

hike and take pictures of the hollywood sign... from far away and right behind it

play with bokeh

use an underwater camera

get really creative, and use the timer

'nuf said

Develop to the sprocket holes

 one place, different seasons

take a road trip and use film the whole way

xoxo

sources: one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, 9- 11 unknown

Resolutions and Their Corresponding Goals: 2013

This year my word is endeavor, and I have several resolutions that go along with this word. Resolutions are great, but they are pretty broad. I know that at the end of the year I'm going to want to have something to show for what I planned twelve months before. In the past I've written resolutions and they've sounded pretty and I had every intention of working with them throughout the year... but as I said before resolutions are broad and when something is broad and undefined it is hard for me to stick with it. I need something I can measure, actions that I can take.


... create something bigger and more beautiful than I could dream would be possible with this space.
See what I mean about resolutions being general? What does that even mean? Well, it means more posts, more great content, a blog that I love looking at... posts that I hope to find in my bloglovin reader. It means being present and keeping a calendar of posts and planning ahead. It means enjoying what I'm putting out into the world. It means being even more honest.
- two posts per week NOT INCLUDING the 52 in 52 updates. 
- working through the Blog (Design) Lovin class and applying what I learn to this space
- go on more adventures and do more new things so I have things to share

...grow leaps and bounds in my photography by completing projects, scheduling meet ups and taking classes or asking friends for help.
I read once a story about a guy giving advice to a starting photographer. He told the novice that in order to be good, he had to take thousands of pictures and that he had to spend time taking pictures each day. The story was more powerful, and the number was far more intense than thousands, but the idea behind it stuck with me (and if we're being honest, intimidated me). I think there's something important here. While I'm not signing up for a 365 day challenge, I am going to:
- take at least two photography classes and or workshops
- take at least 365 decent pictures (not one per day, 365 total)
- shoot and develop 6 rolls of film
- go on 12 photo adventures (at least 6 with my meetup group... if you are in S.D. and want to join us, sign up!)
- do 6 photo projects (ie: adventures in self timer, make a light box, write with light, etc)

... dream bigger and reach higher than I ever have allowed myself to do before in all aspects of my life. 
This is in reference to work, play and travel:
Acquire a job, two at most, that fulfill(s) and challenge(s) me. It must also pay the bills and have some left over for savings and traveling. It must also be something I am proud to put on my resume. 
Try things that I use to say I couldn't do. Try them, and then try harder, and then learn more and don't get discouraged at beginner level skills. Keep trying.
Go to places I have wanted to go to for years. Go back to places I miss or felt I didn't get to explore enough.
- update and redesign my resume... none of this boring stuff, it is going to look good, going to have the best information, and is going to be aesthetically pleasing and different than the traditional. (This does not mean it will be on pink paper, nor will it have a scent...)
- apply for out of state jobs in cities I've wanted to live in
- apply for jobs out of my obvious skill set that I know I could handle and grow in
- save up and visit New York... my friend Chelsea is in the process of moving there and I didn't give it my all the first time I went a few years back... so here's to saving up and doing it right the second time around. 

... learn to love cooking through a year long project.
- 52 dishes in 52 weeks... 

... build new connections and strengthen old ones with friends and family.
This one is going to be difficult to define in specific goals but I know what I mean. For instance, I'd fallen out of touch with a good friend of mine for several months (completely my fault, not hers) and just recently started talking to her again. I'm sure our lives don't have the same room for each other that they use to but the friendship is worth keeping alive, so I plan on spending an hour a month (at the least) with her. This can mean talking on the phone or actually hanging out in person. 
Another example would be the aforementioned friend moving to New York. We have had at least an 8 hour drive between us for the past several years but this is going to be way more than that. We recently worked out some kinks that come with every decade long relationship of any kind and I want to continue to be intentional about our friendship. That means emails, lots of emails... and some phone dates... and saving up money and visiting NY. 
I won't list out all my friends or instances but this gives me an idea of what to strive for with not just friends but family. 

And if I'm lucky, and if the universe is willing, I endeavor to create a new relationship unlike any I have had before. One filled with starry eyes, mutual affection, appreciation and lots of laughter... oh yes, and adventures.
I very much believe that a lot of this is up to the universe and timing... but, I also believe in constant self improvement and growth as well as making space for something great. So what I can do to best open myself up to the opportunity is:
- continue to clean up the cobwebs and garbage left behind from previous situations that just did not pan out. Acceptance is a big part of this, acceptance that things didn't work out and appreciation for the lessons learned (even if some of them seemed to be dirty rotten jerks at the time).
- continue to improve and challenge myself... continue to learn about anything and everything I have an interest in. I don't know if I could actually ever be boring (just ask my friend Rachael...she'll testify to the outrageousness that can be my life), I don't ever want to seem stuck... that's more for myself than anyone else.
- continue to love and respect myself for who I am and accept who I am not. If I don't why would anyone else? 
- go new places, try new things, accept invitations from people I barely know... get out there. I'm not going to bump into someone in my bedroom unless I've already met them out in the world and invited them there. 

xoxo

My Word for 2013

I spent about a month thinking about my word. I didn't start with this one but right before it was too late it came to me and it stuck. I had an idea of what I wanted it to feel like but sometimes my feelings are too complex (let me get my monocle, I'm just sooo complex) to put into one word. I tried a couple on for size over the last few weeks, I thought about explore, then perambulate. I thought about audacity, and "just do it" (sorry Nike) and engage... Finally, at the end, after a couple emails and text message discussions with friends, I landed on endeavor.
And even today, when thinking about the introduction and reading over other people's word choices (Briana, Elise, Susannah) , I wasn't 100% sure it fit. But I went back through my feelings, consulted the dictionary (well, the online dictionary) again and decided yes, this is right.
I have a hard time committing to something for a year, especially when I want so much from that one thing and I need it to encompass just about everything. But I think endeavor gets it, I think, this year, endeavor gets me.
I wanted a word with power, one that didn't sit on the sidelines and let things happen to it. Some years those words are okay, I feel like that was much of last year... letting things happen and then learning how to appropriately process them.
But this year is about doing, and while doing is an alright word it wasn't strong enough, or even very specific. You do something when you brush your teeth or take a shower... you are doing something when you breath, when you think and when you read.
Endeavor has more substance... it means I'm focused in what I am going to be doing, and I have a goal to meet, and I'm setting out to meet those goals with great effort.

This year I endeavor to...

... create something bigger and more beautiful than I could dream would be possible with this space.

... grow leaps and bounds in my photography by completing projects, scheduling meet ups and taking classes or asking friends for help.

... dream bigger and reach higher than I ever have allowed myself to do before in all aspects of my life. 

... learn to love cooking through a year long project.

... build new connections and strengthen old ones with friends and family...

And if I'm lucky, and if the universe is willing, I endeavor to create a new relationship unlike any I have had before. One filled with starry eyes, mutual affection and appreciation and lots of laughter.

xoxo

Unraveling 2013: Settling Up With the Past

This year was a tough one at times, and a fun one at others. This year I accomplished some goals that I didn't think I could, cut some things out of my life that needed to go, and gained some perspective that I will rely on for the rest of my life. 

When I try to think of what happened this year, not too many big things come to mind. I didn't land a new career job making bajillions (or even just thousands), I didn't find myself in a sordid love affair (though I did have some small frustrations with males), I didn't travel to a new corner of the world or speak in a different language... 

But things did happen. When I dig, and look back, and see where I was at the beginning of the year, and then look back and see where I was six months ago, I do realize that things have changed for the better, and I've made some progress in areas of my life that never saw this kind of progress before.

I'm doing all these little things that seemed so impossible at the beginning of the year and here I am. And now that I'm here there are new things to stress about, but there is also a lot of understanding, a lot of acceptance, a lot more picking and choosing, curating if you will... because that's what keeps me running smoothly.

I feel like at this time last year I was a mass of different colored yarn that had been thrown around, knotted and messy. Now I feel like many of the knots have come undone and the process has been tedious at times and challenging but fun at others. I feel like now the yarn is in it's own bundles, maybe with a few knots to undo but ready to be weaved together.

I'm looking forward to using what I've learned in 2012. I'm ready to start with this new foundation of knowledge about myself and other people, some new perspective that I've gained. I'm ready to think bigger and try harder and learn over and over again that being a beginner is just fine. That progress can be a slow process and not everything comes to us immediately. 2012 has been the greatest example of that. 

For 2013 I decided to go through a little workbook to organize my thoughts on what I wanted. I found this one here and started getting a lot out of it from the first page.

It starts with a look back, so that's what I'm going to do here. Tomorrow I will look forward!

-word of 2012: Strive...
I didn't stick with it because I didn't feel I had a base to strive from.

- embraced: my emotions, my place in life, who I am, what I'm good at and what I need to work on
- let go of: medication for anxiety, a tendency to make a dude perfect in my mind because I want one around
-discovered: a new sense of confidence in many different aspects of my personality and what I have to offer
-grateful for: so many things, getting out of the latest time of sadness... having money to feed myself AND get a place to live. My health, my ability to buy things I want even if I shouldn't. My jobs.

Achievements:
- worked through Spirit Junkie, The Fire Starter Sessions and 168 Hours
- took myself off of anxiety/depression medication and haven't looked back
- saved and moved out
- haven't used credit card in 10 months
- landed four jobs... three of which I kept
- started a quilt and learned how to use my sewing machine
- switched the blog over to www.butwewillstay.come and did a little design work on it
- completed 52 photos in 52 weeks
- was accepted to NAU to get a teaching degree in English

Challenges:
- motivation to keep exercising
- motivation to buy food at the grocery store and eat at home
- stepping away from the phrase "I can't"
- being single... still...

What do I want to say goodbye to:
I want to say goodbye to not trusting my gut, to thinking I can't do something, to thinking I'm not pretty, funny, sexy, interesting, smart, crafty or any-other-desirable-trait enough. I want to say goodbye to "I can't" and use either "I'm having trouble with" or "I won't." I want to say goodbye to wasting time doing absolutely nothing when I want to be doing something. I am saying goodbye to people that aren't worth it, those that don't inspire me or care about me in the way that I need them to. I am saying goodbye to copious amounts of drama and worrying about things I can't change. I am working on saying goodbye to taking things personally.

With all that being said and done it's time to bring in the new year!!! 

xoxo

The Goals of 2012 Revisited

I made some goals in January that seemed really important and necessary then. Some of them were fully accomplished and others were remembered from time to time. My goals for next year will have a different layout and a different focus... but that's for the next post. For now I'll reflect on what did and didn't work.

1. cook or bake 12 dishes

It started out as 24 dishes and that seemed like too many. This year was not the year of cooking... it was just a side thought. This year a main project will be cooking. I'm looking forward, and somewhat skeptical about it.

2. 52 in 52 photos

Completed and enjoyed. Next year I will not strive to post a picture (or 5) a week but photography is still going to be a big, HUGE focus. Photography and cooking. Photography of food... 

3. develop healthy exercise routine, eventually get to 5 days a week

I started the year out strong and did some good things for sure but I do not by any means work out 5 times a week, not even three now that we are at the end of the year. 

Next year will have a health element to it, but I will be slower with it again... figure out what really works and what doesn't. 

4. learn how to love running... and eventually run a 9 minute mile Just learn how to love working out.

There are days this year that I loved working out... days that I looked forward to my dance class or even just going to use the gym at my dad's house. Those were the good days. But the good days aren't what goals are made for. So the harder days will be something to push through in the next year.

5. read at least 26 books either already bought or from the library

I wanted to heavily cut back on the amount of money I spend on books. While I didn't completely stop buying new books, I was more selective and bought very few that I wanted to immediately give to the library when I was done with them. Most of the full price books bought ended up on my small bookshelf. AND I became way more friendly with the library. Oh yes, and I ended up reading 80+ books... Ultimately I think I did well on this one.

6. pay off at least 3/4 of credit card and car debt (about $8,500)

Not even close. BUT I stopped using my credit card completely and have been paying more than the minimum since my birthday. I'm satisfied with my progress in that department. Definitely pushing for more progress next year, but the groundwork has been laid. 

7. go to or register for a blogger meet-up/seminar/summit

I went to a Creative Connections event this year and met Lisa and Debbie. While it wasn't Alt or anything out of town with a hotel stay involved, it did benefit me greatly. I count this as a win.

8. create 2 pieces of word art

This became unimportant as the year went on. 

9. launch www.butwewillstay.com 

I DID IT, I DID IT, I DID IT! It took so much less work than I thought. This year is about redesigning the blog and doing more things with it. 

10. make a quilt

I started, and I'm almost done with the top layer. I didn't plan this out well timing wise. I have been sick for the past month and haven't felt motivated to go on to the next steps. But I will finish it, and I will post about it. I'm stoked I buckled down and started it.

11. crochet an infinity scarf or a cowl

DID IT! I made two cowls. One of which I ended up giving in the white elephant gift exchange because I messed up the pattern (that I thought of myself) and so it didn't quite work right. 

12. finish a blanket that is as big as a queen size flat sheet

13. move into an apartment or house

DONE AND DONE! Moved into a house that my friend was already living in on the first of October. I love my little room, I call it my den, this was a huge win.

14. pay for someone behind me in a drive thru line 4 times

I did this once, it felt pretty good. I didn't do it more than that either because I would forget or there would be two people in the car behind me the handful of times I was in the starbucks drive through and while being generous is nice, I couldn't justify paying for more than one drink at a time. I'll think of more things to do in the new year. 

15. go on at least 12 adventures

(Palm Springs, Warped Tour, Dia de los Muertos, Creative Connections, Renegade Craft Fair, pumpkin patch, Girl's Night Out, )

16. be enrolled in a program for my teaching credential

I decided pretty early on in the year that this goal was not something I was ready to move forward on anymore. I was accepted to the school of my choice, which was a nice pat on the back even if I didn't end up going. I do wonder what it would have been like if I had been back in school, but it is what it is and I'm glad I don't have the added debt to worry about. 

17. say yes to 4 things you would normally say no to

I honestly don't know if I did this one or not. I don't think I did anything so far out of my norm that it would count enough. Next year is about accepting more invitations even if they are to things out of the way. 

18. make 4 vlogs

19. adopt a kitten

Not feasible or fair to a kitten right now. I would have to keep her in my room and no where else so that she wouldn't be eaten and I don't like the idea of a kitten just staying in a room like mine. Maybe in a year or so when things change a bit. There is a cat in my future, I just can't have her yet. 

20. get a credit card with 1:1 airline miles Get rid of credit card

I did neither. I was going to get a credit card with better benefits but then I thought it would probably entice me to use the credit card again. Something I just can't do. If I could get airline miles for the money I spend on a debit card I would do that... but I haven't looked in to the options. 

I will be looking and applying for a credit card with a WAY lower interest rate this year so that the money I put towards it won't just be paying off interest. 

21. shoot and develop 12 rolls of 120 film

I think I managed to get 6 done. I lagged towards the end of the year. Film is expensive. But with photography being a big focus in the next year expect some more film pictures. 

22. at the end of the year be proud to look back at how far you've come

I've succeeded here. I've made some great steps and learned some great things. I'm just looking even more forward to the lessons learned and things accomplished next year!

23. get a fun and challenging job!!!

One of my jobs is both fun and challenging at times. So I kind of got this right. Moving forward I'm going to be looking at my options for employment. I like the one job a lot but the other two are just for the money. I want more satisfaction out of a job... and more money and stability in the new year. 

xoxo