Lately I've Been...

I'm taking some time (probably again, maybe I have always been taking time) to figure out what I really want to go here. What I will be motivated to share and update. Until I have a better idea of a schedule or even what I want this space to look like, I will be posting sporadically. But that's not really anything new.

Lately I've been:
working on... a new blanket, super excited about this one because it's black, white and gold!

learning how... to be in a relationship. I tried to think of a better way to say it, but that's what it is. I'm learning how to shift and communicate and do anything but pout. I'm learning how to bring down some barriers that I didn't even know were there. Being in a relationship is turning into a humbling thing. I'm not perfect, and I'm not always easy to be with. That doesn't mean I'm not worth it (which is what I use to think) it just means I have to remember that it's a two way bumpy road.

also learning how... to enjoy the process. I'm learning this with cooking and with the aforementioned relationship, and just about everything. Not everything needs to be done fast, nothing needs to be rushed through. Enjoy it, the process isn't so bad when you learn to enjoy it. Everything gets a little better when you develop a respect and even an affinity for the process.

baking... donuts like a woman on a sugar driven mission. Pumpkin spice, blueberry lemon, buttermilk with cinnamon and sugar topping, cinnamon roll... and who even knows what's next!

acclimating to... my new job. I now have a 9-5, monday through friday job and it has been overwhelming because it is in a field I have not been in, ever, but the people I work with are pretty awesome and the boss is generous and caring... so I think I'm in a pretty good spot. AND I was able to put my availability at the job I was so tired of, on hold. I might need some extra cash on a weekend or two in the future, but for now, I can work my 9-5 and spend the weekend exploring and stuff with the man.

brainstorming... possible ideas for side jobs, one of which may just be teaching booty bounce classes. Another idea... holiday card photo shoots.

reading... Mr. Penumbra's 24-Hour Bookstore and re-reading Catching Fire. So excited for the premiere!!! Mr. Penubra's is really, really good, stoked I picked it up. I've been taking a break from self improvement books lately, I wanted to give myself some time to acclimate to the new job, which can be overwhelming. But I will be back in the thick of those sooner than later I am sure.

enjoying... going to bed before 12, generally before 11:15 (!!!) and waking up semi early. I'm even thinking about asking to come in 30 minutes earlier each day so I can leave earlier. Old Corey would NEVER have thought about that.

realizing... in bits and pieces that I have made progress this year. Sometimes it felt like I was taking giant steps back, but somehow it's been working out. This is definitely been a year of (sometimes painful) learning.

Well, I'm falling asleep sitting up so I must sign off for now.

xoxo

Nashville Wish List

via

It is almost here! Just one more full day (a little less than 24 hours) and I will be on a plane to a city I've wanted to visit for so many years! So many! I'm quite excited. I've compiled a list of places I want to see. I'm not sure I'll get to all of them, but hopefully I'll get to most!

Downtown 

(or what I consider Downtown)

The Bang Candy Company

The Ryman Auditorium

Shelby Street Pedestrian Bridge

Nashville Public Library

Robert's Western World

Belmont

Bongo Java (for Blogger Breakfast)

Local Honey

Belmont University

Imogene + Willie

Bookman/Bookwoman

East Nashville

Marche Artisan Foods (brunch)

Wonders on Woodland

Sky Blue Cafe

The Pharmacy

Jeni's Splendid Ice Creams

Old Made Good

Others:
Cheekwood Gardens
Station Inn

Bobbi's Dairy Dip

I have taken so many places off this list. There is just too much to fit into five days, two of which were totally accounted for and two others that were part travel days. I have this feeling one trip will not be enough. Going to squeeze everything I can out of the time I have though!

xoxo

Many Places Found on Design Sponge's Nashville City Guide

Checklist for Fall

As of yesterday it is officially Fall! I can go ahead and feel okay getting myself a pumpkin spice latte now or making pumpkin bread or anything pumpkin for the next couple of months! Besides ingesting all things pumpkin I'm planning on making some other Fall memories, maybe starting some traditions. Who knows! All I need is the weather to comply with the calendar. I'm really excited though, this year I will see a real Fall when I visit Nashville in October! Very excited for that.

This Fall I endeavor (look how I brought that back) to:
- visit a pumpkin patch and go through a corn maze
- go to a haunted house
- make caramel apples
- celebrate Dia de los Muertos
- run in colored leaves
- drink tea frequently (once it's actually cool enough to do so)
- wear scarves
- go on a hayride
- visit Julian
- picnic at a park
- go to a Farmer's Market
- pet a black cat or two
- invest in one two good flannel shirt(s), pair of cowboy boots and pair of long wool boot socks
- make some pumpkin dish (pretty much a given)

xoxo

image links: steaming cup, caramel apples, layered look, leaves, pumpkins, house

Summer's End

*

The summer weather isn't quite done here in San Diego, but my mind is definitely gearing up for fall. School supplies have been on display at Target for weeks and pumpkin collections are showing up at the grocery store. I've seen tweets and status updates about Pumpkin Spice everything and I am definitely ready.

Before saying hello to fall though, it's time to say a little goodbye to summer.

My main goal for the summer this year was to enjoy it. That meant going places I wanted to go, spending time with friends, feeling the sun and to making memories so that when Fall came I wasn't left wondering where the heck another season went.

I had some ideas of things I wanted to do, some specifically summer oriented, others that have been on various to-do lists for some time. The summer list looked a little like this:

go to a Farmer's Market

have a girls night of drinks, laughs, possibly crafts and snacks

go to a country bar and line dance

Sea World

Del Mar Fair

road trip

find organization to donate to monthly

beach day

swim with sharks

drive in movie

picnic

bonfire

I added things like:

bungee jumping

celebrating my sister's 21st birthday

eating lots of hamburgers 

Opening Day at the Del Mar Race Track

swimming 

While I didn't complete everything, I did most of the items that required the summer for completion. I'll probably put picnic, drive in movie and Farmer's Market on my Fall list. I mean, why not? 

I'm so glad I made a list for summer though, and then followed through on making sure I did things. 

Swimming with the sharks and bungee jumping pushed my fear boundaries, celebrating my sister's 21st made me happy and also made me feel a little old, sitting by two bonfires brought a comforting smell to the season and the road trip at the beginning gave me time to practice gratitude. 

I'm really liking the more intentional way of seasons. I don't need a monthly list, but one that spans three or so. I'm hoping this Fall to create more memories and feel little pieces of time more completely.

What was on your summer list?

xoxo

*Image in top right corner is by Brian Witkin, the rest are taken by me

Nashville Here I Come

In a little less than a month, I, Corey, will be on a plane headed to Nashville, Tennessee!!! My excitement cannnot be contained. At all. Nor can my anxiety. I am so excited for this trip, so excited for what's in store, what I will learn, if I will love it... so excited... and scared. I'm basically unemployed currently, looking for jobs and wondering what the heck I am going to do to make enough money to pay bills and go on this trip. Yes, I have a place to stay paid for, I have my plane tickets and a conference ticket. But woooo buddy, I'm not ready for this monetarily. Not one big. And now I'm nervous as heck. So nervous.

But, hey, I have wanted to go to Nashville for YEARS now. Years I tell you! And the time is coming and soon I will be there and I will be seeing everything it has to offer.

I spent some time a few weeks ago looking up places I just had to see. A couple of my favorite posts I've found thus far concerning the city are these Nashville in Autumn & Nashville: City Guide.

Not long after I looked at these Elsie and Emma of A Beautiful Mess announced they were going to be in Nashville and called for recommendations. Needless to say, I have a list of place I could see, will try to see and will definitely have a bunch to see if I ever go again, or even possibly move there.

Why am I going? Well, there's this conference, it's called the Storyline Conference and it's based off the book A Million Miles in a Thousand Years (which I write a little bit about here) and it's about making your life the story you want it to be, a good story, with meaning. I'm really excited for it.

I'll be staying with a couple on the east side of Nashville, in a little place I found via AirBnB. This trip is going to be an adventure of so many kinds. It will be my first time getting on a plane to take a trip to a place all by myself. It will be my first time in Tennessee, and it will be my first time staying with people instead of in a hotel.

So there it is, exciting and a little bit scary and how the heck am I going to do this all mixed into one!

If you have any Nashville suggestions that are budget friendly I would love to add them to my list!

xoxo

Around Here

Today I am job hunting, but with a margarita by my side... confidence and happiness boost. Here's a little list or two of what else has been going on around these parts. 

There's been a lot of... 

country music listening // reading, reading, reading // Friday Night Lights watching // time with sister spending // margarita drinking (love them) // thinking, planning and contemplating // excitement // gratitude // singing in the car // salad eating // long tank top wearing // smiles // mind stretching //

There's also been some... 

squatting and other behind lifting activities // food planning // journaling // dancing // picture taking // friend dates // new blanket crocheting // resume writing (and stressing which bring it back up to... margaritas) //

There's been a lot of living in this life of mine. 

xoxo

Crunching Numbers

these ladies have the right idea

So here it is, I'm coming out with it, or maybe I've already come out with it before and now I'm coming out with it again... 

I'm in debt. 

No big surprise there huh, I'm a twenty something female living in San Diego. It wouldn't be a surprise if I was living elsewhere, I guess... but there are a lot of Joneses to keep up with in good ol' SD... or maybe now with blogs and Pinterest there's a lot of Joneses to keep up with everywhere. I never thought I was one to keep up with the Joneses but maybe in some way I am and I don't even realize it. 

Whatever, enough with the Joneses. 

All I know is, I have more debt that I have money to my name, and I don't like that feeling. I haven't liked that feeling and it's been this way for some time now. And I've started thinking about things, I've made plans, I've made budgets and goal budgets and read financial planning books like Smart Women Finish Rich, Money Drunk Money Sober, some book by Suze Orman and a few others. I've read, I've planned, I've cried and I've felt giddy about the possibilities of being out of debt. 

But guess what, I'm still in it.

The problem is, I would stick to my plan for a little bit, or even a long bit. There was a good 6 months that I didn't touch my credit card at all (which I hadn't done since I got it in 2005 or so). And then I caved again, and I don't remember what for... oh yes I do, doctor's bills, and the $1600 ($1000 if you take out interest) that I paid off in the past year went right back on... I fell into a hole of discouragement to say the least. 

I'm not going to lie to you dear readers, I'm still discouraged, and still in debt, possibly more so than before I stopped using my silly credit card. But I will not give up. I've started a new book, and I have a new plan underway.

It's called the Spend Less Than You Make plan, or the Watch What Your Spending plan or even the If You Get a Pang of Guilt When You Take Out Your Card Don't Buy It plan. 

I've updated my Mint account, I've read about spending fasts, I've faced my balances, I've looked at what I have spent my money on in the past two months... I've seen the different between what I spend and what I make... It's not a sight I like looking at. But I'm looking, no more blinders, again. 

I'll be going through the new book, I Will Teach You To Be Rich, I will answer questions, I will do what is suggested, I will make a plan and stick to it as fastidiously as possible. And if my plan gets derailed by medical or car issues, I'll pick myself up, dust myself off and get back on it. 

Today, in the spirit of starting a new book and getting things organized I have:

- requested a lower APR from my credit card company, twice... I was given 0% for 6 months on new purchases but I'm looking for it to be lowered overall... so I'm going to find other options, maybe even go into my bank and talk to someone directly

- set up my online account for a card I signed up for but haven't used. My plan is to put my monthly payment for Netflix on this card and have it automatically paid so that I don't have to worry about it and it helps my credit score. Nothing else goes on that card. Nothing. 

- called Verizon again to see why I am getting charged up the wazoo for data usage that I'm not doing. At the very least this will mean my payments go back to somewhat normal... at the best I want money credited toward my next payment for the incorrect charges. 

- looked over the last two months of spending, changed uncategorized entries, fixed other entries and now I have a decent amount of information to start my budget.

- cashed in my rewards points to get a gift card that I will be using at a specific place and time

Before the day is over I plan on getting a rough budget drafted. By the end of the week I will have set up my automatic payment on the newer card and I will have gone into my bank to get more information on a lower APR. I've been with the bank for years, my dad has been with the bank for decades, not to mention my credit score is pretty dang good... I feel like there's room for lower interest rates. 

What about you, lovely friends, what's going on in your money world? Any tips on changing the mindset so it's a good challenge and not starvation from fun?

xoxo

images one and two

Something to Remember

something to remember

sister's 21st // delicious desserts with Lisa // margaritas on the fam's back patio // Sea World for the bro's 16th birthday // nights in my room // photo walk on the Oceanside Pier // braids are the new black, and a new shirt // bowling // new succulents

also

spending more time with family // appreciating the soft blankets in bed // rereading books three times // the fair // country bars // dancing // del mar races // milk duds and popcorn // remembering favorite dishes to cook // new phone cases // hanging out with a friend after a long time of not seeing each other

life is good 

xoxo

Golden Coast: Los Angeles Beaches and the Irvine Spectrum

A week after my return from my Golden Coast trip I decided I needed a little hint of a vacation again. I got back in my car and drove north to visit a couple beaches I had left out on my way back. I started at El Matador State beach, took some pictures, sat on a staircase to nowhere and watched people try to navigate the waves. After getting my shoes thoroughly wet and then my feet thoroughly sandy I traveled on down to Zuma beach. There was one particular building I wanted to capture, maybe not even the whole building, just the sign. When I had seen it the first time the week before I hadn't stopped to take a picture, but this time I did, and even though there were people milling around, I still got exactly what I wanted, maybe even more. I mean, an umbrella, the food sign AND birds perched in a row? So good.
After a few snaps at Zuma I headed a little farther south to Santa Monica Pier. I love this place, well, I like it a lot. Mostly because there is a ferris wheel. Here's the deal though, you can't ride it alone, and the seating arrangement with the staff wasn't conducive to many pictures that I wanted. But I guess I just have a reason to go back in the future, with a friend... or maybe more than a friend? (Wiggling eyebrows implied) Despite my semi awkward joy ride on the ferris wheel, I did get in a dinner session at Pier Burger, definitely one of my most favorite hamburger places ever.

After I left the beaches I drove south and found myself at the Irvine Spectrum, a place I can't help but stop at just about every time I find myself headed to the Los Angeles area. There's just this pull. It also has a ferris wheel, so maybe that's it. I spent a good hour or two browsing books at Barnes and Noble, eventually settling on Escape from Cubicle Nation, Vagabonding and Beyond Snapshots. I also picked up a new journal, ready and glorious for when I get through my current one.

It was a great one day mini vacation. I came back home inspired with my bag full of knowledge and my camera full of pictures. Not a bad way to spend a day off.

xoxo

Currently

Reading: You Are a Badass (for the third time), The Mortal Instruments and Beyond Snapshots. I highly recommend the first. I am reading it for the third time to make everything in it stick. It's helping me adjust my mindset which is something that takes repetition, reminders and patience, so reading it over again is helpful.
The Second is definitely a summer read kind of thing. I work in a movie theater, I see the trailers, this one looked better than Beautiful Creatures and I really needed something to relax with. I love reading my other books that are all about learning new things, but sometimes my mind needs a break, and that's where YA lit with a love story comes in. Gotta have a love story.
Beyond Snapshots is definitely helping me with my photography, there are tips and tricks that I hadn't thought of before now and I'm definitely into it. If you are just starting to want to push your camera further than point and shoot or even if you have already taken your first dive into manual, this book has great information. 
Listening to: Country. Florida Georgia Line and Tim McGraw. Always some Taylor Swift and a little bit of everything else on the side. But country is my thing right now. specifically party country. Well, that's what I call it.

Thinking about: So. many. things. So what else is new. I'm thinking about my life, where I want it to go, how I'm going to get it there. How I'm going to believe I can. How I can stop defaulting to victim mode, how I can rewire and make positivity my default... making money, bringing more money in, what I really want my life to look like in the next couple of days, weeks, months and years. 

Watching: Friday Night Lights. Love this show. Going to start looking into Nashville soon probably. Can't get enough of the South lately. 

Loving: Salads lately. I bring them to work. I actually look forward to them. 
Reading, as always. Some of the new shirts I have purchased this summer. I'm loving the times I allow myself to think positive and dream big. I love the dares I've taken lately... loving friends and family and making an effort and being more intentional. I love songs that make me want to dance and getting hugs from a friend I missed. I love my bed and that's where I need to go now.

Working on: Photography, being intentional and grateful. Dreaming big, dreaming at all. Seeing the possibility. Making my flickr account presentable. My life manifesto. Keeping my succulents alive. Being the best person I can be. 

Excited for: My trip to Nashville in October. There have been so many dreams coming out of this crazy thing I decided I had to do. It's not so crazy really, I just finally bit the bullet and signed up. I'm looking forward to it so much. So much possibility. 

xoxo

currently posts inspired by Danielle over at Sometimes Sweet

From the County Fair

 

There's something about fairs and carnivals that make me really happy. I think circus themed things fit into this as well though I don't like going to the circus nearly as much. Maybe the animal cruelty thing gets me with those. But circus themed things as well as fairs and carnivals made me a little giddy. I love the colors, the sounds, the candy, the horrible food, the possibility of summer love.

What use to be called the Del Mar Fair (now the San Diego County Fair) is definitely a highlight of the year. It's a sign to my city that summer has come and it's time to celebrate. It's time to forget those bikini bodies for a day and sink your teeth into deep fried... well, deep fried just about anything. I believe I saw a krispy kreme sloppy joe advertised... yeah. It's a special place.

I don't ever find myself on many of the rides, but I still love to walk around the games, hear the calls from carnis, see young couples holding hands, older couples holding big stuffed animals that they probably spent a couple twenty dollar bills to win... I love the feeling, the carefree laughter and screaming of the people on rides.

This year the fair did not disappoint. In fact, it was better than I could have imagined. I went twice, once with a group from work and then with a good friend. Both times were awesome for their own reasons. The first time I stayed away from most of the food because I was planning on bungee jumping and didn't want anything to go wrong. I did go on the drop ride, got myself at least somewhat prepared for my jump, I watched my friends go on some others and then we hit the beer garden. I didn't drink until after my jump, and then I had a $8 bud light. Yes, it was that expensive, for a bud light. Gotta love the fair.
The first go round was longer, a more thorough time. We went on rides, they ate all the different foods between the lot of them, we drank, danced to horrid cover bands, tried to win prizes, and, oh yes, got kicked off the ferris wheel.

If you didn't know this about me yet, I'll tell you now...

I. Love. Ferris. Wheels.

And we got kicked off. Because my friends are goons. Surprisingly I'm not upset about it though, it's a good enough story to be worth all the tickets I gave away so they could come on with me (and then get me kicked off). That's what friendship is for right?

The second go round was a later adventure, my focus was definitely more food oriented, or at least dessert. We did a quick tour, saw Joan Jett for a second and then went back for more food. It was the day before the 4th so it was a little busier than I like, but I was still at the fair, and so, I was happy.

Oh yes, and during my second trip there were the animals, the cows, bunnies, goats and... there was an alligator... I'm pretty sure he's not alive and that they charge two dollars per person for a fake thing. Either that or I feel sorry for the beast. His cage gave him little room to do much else but play dead in the water. There was a cooler at the end of the short walkway in his exhibit and we wondered what could possibly be in there. At first we wanted to think it was his food, but I think it was probably just the ticketmaster's food and beer. I'm not sure that alligator actually eats anything anymore.

All in all, I did the fair well. I'll probably end up going to another one in Orange County before the summer is over, possibly alone so I can walk slowly and take more pictures. But this was was good for experience and memories.

It's been a good summer so far.

xoxo

The Golden Coast: My Favorites

I can't believe it's already been two weeks since I came back from my trip. Time flies, but I say that a lot. I took so long to post these because of different issues, like wanting to start doing a watermark, and not knowing what format I wanted to put them in, if I wanted to make them smaller in a collage or if I wanted them to be bigger.

Bigger won. Imperfect watermarks also won. So here they are. The absolute beauties from my trip. I think there are more, these are just my absolute favorites. Especially the gas station one. I got off the freeway to take a picture of that, it was so perfect, abandoned, broken down and beautiful. A couple of these are from a point and shoot, some of them are from my phone and the rest are from the lady Rebel.

Honestly, as I look through them they are all favorites. I love the gas station one because I actually took the time to get off the freeway at a place I wanted to see. The stacked rocks I like because that one took time to figure out what I was trying to convey with my camera, I love my feet in the pebble sand because it feels like paradise, my kind of paradise. The blue door with a white wall is a picture I expect to envy when I see it on other people's blogs or instagrams, but it's mine. I took it, I did it right. Well, me and the phone.

And the picture of the polaroids on a hotel bedspread... I am shaking my head and raising my hand to the ceiling thinking of trying to write what that one feels like to me. It's perfect, it's the film I love, shots that came out great, finally, after years of sadness with the Impossible Project, it's the adventure that comes with being in a hotel room, it's my heart. Basically. Too much? Nah, just enough.

I'm once again being intentional about getting out and taking more pictures. But this time I've got a couple books I'm reading, I'm thinking about the shots more, maybe even taking less. But I'm growing, and I'm learning and I'm stoked with the outcome.

That trip was necessary. There are many more to come.

xoxo

A Piece of My Trip

Delete, rewrite, delete, rewrite. Create collage, delete. Create another collage, delete. I think I'm just going to leave it at this for now. 

Shell Beach, (or possibly Pirate's Cove in Avila Beach) with an Olypus Stylus, Kodak Ultramax 400 film.

xoxo

travel is necessary

I know it's been said before, I know I've learned this lesson before, I know it's part of physics, but I found out again it's really true that doing is conducive to more doing, that action breeds more action and that an object in motion stays in motion (unless another force is put upon it).

What I'm trying to say is, after my little trip up and down the Golden Coast I promised myself that I wouldn't stay as stationary as before. I would go to beaches in LA, or museums or anything. I will go downtown more and see friends there, even if it seems like gas is expensive and I can't afford it.
Because I can.

In fact, I can't afford NOT to go.

When I get out, when I explore new places, when I get moving, I feel better. I feel so grateful, I see beautiful and/or interesting things everywhere and the problems that seemed so grand shrink significantly.

It seems, travel, even in short distances, is absolutely necessary for my survival.

And a little sand between the toes doesn't hurt.

xoxo

A Different Kind of Currently

Today I spent most of the morning and the beginning of the afternoon lazing around in bed. I will not lie, I did a lot of the same yesterday. I have work at night so the day is spent trying to figure out what to do and inevitably being tempted back to a nap or a book under the fan in my room.

Today I shifted some money around in the bank accounts, I wrote down next week's schedule, made some decisions on plans for days or afternoons off, I checked in with one of my sister's, finished a book and ate some triscuits with nutella.
I also perused some blogs, and I made the effort to figure out a little camera I've had sitting around for a long time but just for looks.

I have had flashes of inspiration to write lately, but not a steady flow. So today, after reading one specific post, when the inspiration struck again I decided putting make up on could wait. I wanted to share what's being going on around here.

In the last week I came back from an awesome and somewhat challenging trip, I've longed to revisit the beaches I saw, I made plans to go back up to Malibu and see some beaches I skipped on my way back down. I also have gone back to work, made some decent money which quieted some worries. I have had a few anxiety ridden moments in the night, slept with a light on, slept with a light off and always had the fan on. It's quite warm here. My room is the coolest in the house early in the day but by afternoon it's warmed up and movement is laborious.

This week I have found myself in the throes of conversation with two internet jerks. I have talked myself down from fury at a person I use to consider a friend, I've debated, talked through, gotten over and then sank back into feeling that don't serve me.

This week, and really, all weeks, I have gone from hope to desperation when thinking about my future and what I should do. I have written lists, looked at those lists, looked for more things to add to them, marveled at all that I have yet to see or experience and then wondered almost desperately, how I'm ever going to feel or see many of these things.

And that's where I am at now. Not knowing how to get out of this, not knowing where to move next. What do I do to get a better job, what do I do to get out of this mind torture? What do I do, who do I ask, where do I go?

I want my future to have posts similar to this one, Elise, a new mama and her overflow of feelings so real. I want a job like that of the lovely ladies of A Beautiful Mess. I know that no one's life is perfect, that these pretty pictures posted are just parts of the whole, but I also know they are loving their lives. Loving them and living them fully. How do I do that? Sometimes, when people tell me I'm smart, I feel so dumb, I think they are wrong, because I have been having trouble all these years getting my brain to figure out what should be a simple thing.

How do I live bigger? How do I find a place to make money in a way that in overall enjoyable? How do I add more joy to every day?

Yesterday I swam for the first time in years, last week I went on a trip, the week before I bungee jumped. I hope these things are a good start. I hope I can find more moments of faith in this brain, I hope I can grow the time I do believe, the times that I have faith in myself, the times that I believe I deserve the things I want. That's the hardest part, believe that I deserve any of it. Sometime I just have to sit and tell myself "I am enough" over and over again until everything loses meaning. Then the anxiety goes away for a second.

xoxo

Driving the Golden Coast

I mentioned before that I was embarking on a short journey, that I was doing something that scared me. And I did. If you follow my instagram or twitter feed you may have seen some pictures from my trip already, you may have heard about how my best laid plans cracked and needed some repairs, you may have also heard/read/seen that my car battery went to poop the first day in. Darn that grapevine!

You may have also seen that I kept going, that while LA traffic had me ready to turn around and go home and spend the weekend in bed, I didn't. I'm not saying that's a feat on my part, I'm just saying these were thoughts and things that happened.

I kept reminding myself, when something would feel off or when it felt like all was lost, that there was something to gain, and my natural reaction is to give in and go home, using the excuse that it's "a sign" that I shouldn't be doing whatever I am doing, was just my brain being scared. A book I've been reading lately has made me starting to think otherwise when I feel like I'm getting a sign to stop. It's got me thinking, maybe, when things get a little crazy and plans get muddled, it's not because it shouldn't be happening, but because I have to push through and figure out it's worth it despite it all. The extra night in a hotel and a new battery in the car, and 4 hours wasted in a city I never planned on being in waiting for said battery, were okay, they were just small prices to pay for seeing my friends and taking two days to get back down the coast.

The trip was worth it despite the anxiety and frustration of the first day and a half. I had to get through the rough spots, I had to get past my brain's natural defenses to the new. I had to keep pushing and what I was rewarded with after I kept pushing was all that mattered.

In the next few days I'll post the pictures I took of the places I went. I had quite an adventure and am so glad I went.

Now that I'm back to reality the stressors of real life are back but I'm going to try and incorporate more adventures into my months. Because when I was driving down the 101 stopping whenever and where ever I wanted, I felt free, and alive. I believed through and through that every day is a gift. I want to feel those emotions as much as possible.

xoxo

Let the Adventure Begin

Today I embark on a little adventure. Today I do a little more of what scares me. Today I start out to see a little more of this gorgeous state I live in. 

I'm taking a road trip, a long awaited road trip up the coast, I'll stop at some beaches, I'll visit a couple towns I've never seen before. I'll end up in a city/town an hour out from San Francisco to see someone I haven't seen in almost a year, someone I know mostly through lettered conversations. 

Tomorrow we'll go to Warped Tour close to SF. We'll walk around in the hot sun, listen to good music, and see people with "free hugs" written all over their body in paint.

Sunday who knows, maybe some time in the city, maybe seeing a friend from the Barnes and Noble days, maybe some adventuring to film stores and Amoeba records. 

And Monday? That's the first day back down the coast, that's the first part of the real coastal view. A night stay in San Luis Obispo or Pismo Beach may be in order. 

Tuesday will be the slow roll down the second half, back towards home. 

Wednesday it will be back to the norm. 

But before then pictures will be taken, the lady rebel will be set in RAW with a new memory card, and when I come back I'll have to learn in order to get the most of my images. Film will be in one camera, polaroid packs will be purchased. The phone will probably end up catching a lot, Vines might be produced, thoughts will be tweeted, but a computer will not come along. 

Today I do something that scares me a little. Today I take a drive. 

xoxo

image credit

Something to Remember: Do Something That Scares You

Yesterday found me at the fair with a group of friends from work. While I love the fair and have many pictures, this post isn't going to be about that. It's about one specific thing that I did at the fair, something I have been meaning to do for years. A cross off the bucket list if you will.

Yesterday I bungee jumped, and I'm am so much happier than I ever could have imagined, that I did.

I didn't think it would be anything more than a roller coaster ride, that it would be scary, but something I could totally handle. And for the most part I did. But it didn't go like I imagined.

There were a couple times throughout the day when I was given opportunities to chicken out, times where I could have done things that would have made jumping a bad idea, like eating fair food. I didn't do these things, I was tempted, but I didn't. Eyes on the prize.

I want to say that I wasn't scared, that I wasn't ready to chicken out, but I was. Totally. I was aggravated because I wanted to get it done and over with early in the day but things kept happening and people kept wanting to go all over the place (such is the case when you have 8+ people in your group) and I hadn't eaten for a while so I was DEFINITELY in a grumpy mood when I finally walked up to the table to sign my life away on those papers.

I signed up, a guy put a wristband on, then I got on a scale and a number was written on my hand. At this point my grumpiness dissolved... Thoughts of what the heck was I doing?! and Well, money is paid, can't back out now, replaced it.

One of the lovely ladies from the group and I walked back to our chairs, I took this picture of someone else going up in the little cage, I started getting hyper, but scared hyper, we were told to put our phones away and tuck everything in our bags, take off our shoes and put the harness on like a pair of shorts. We then got the ankle straps and were moved along in the line.
Pretty soon we were standing on numbers marked in tape on the boarding rugs... then we were watching other people do their jump.
I was dancing to the music playing because my nervous energy needed to go somewhere, my companion in lunacy was laughing and saying she couldn't breathe.

Then it was time for us to go up in the cage. I was the last to jump. This means I got to ride in that cart up and down twice, I got to see the height TWICE before it was my turn to step outside the little door.

My partner in crime went, it took her a second, she's done it 3 times and still, she had to take a second. But she went, screaming and laughing.

I stayed calm, I may have even flirted with the guy taking us up... okay, so I did. He was cute and I needed a distraction. He seemed more than slightly bored when we first went up, but sometimes I can warm people up, and I think I made it a little less monotonous for him, maybe even for a second.
Back we go down to the ground.

Time for me to get my bungee connected, time for me to say hi to the person taking the video, time for us to head back to the top. I feel the nerves again while typing this, I am back there.

We get to the desired height, I step outside of the little door and I freak. Not outwardly, I don't know how to freak out outwardly unless really mad, but inwardly the survival part of my brain turned on so fast. I held on tight to the handles and as he said one two three my brain said no way. I told him we had to count again... he said look ahead, look at the flag at the top of the other building, so I did, and on three (maybe a silent 4) I let go, and fell, arms wide.

The first second was my eyes closed, the second was me screaming. It's what I've always done when I feel stomach drops like those on roller coasters. It releases something. I also laugh. I might have gotten that part from my dad.

After the bounces up and down, after grabbing on to the rope by my feet, after being caught by the strong man on the ground and sat down in a chair, I looked dazed. They even said so. I was. There was no explaining the different feelings going through not only my mind and my body. Exhilaration definitely, gratitude for coming out alive, absolutely... wonder, no doubt. I was still shaking a little as I went to put my shoes back on. I was still dazed, still not sure what I was feeling.

Eventually I managed to get my shoes back on and join my friends.

Now that I've done it I totally understand my friend's nerves. It's not something you get use to. I don't know how you could ever get use to looking down a hundred feet or more, and let yourself fall, without having the lizard brain have something to say. Was it worth it? More than I ever thought.

I learned, again, maybe more so than ever before, why it's so important to do things that scare you. I felt so many things, so many things I wanted to feel. I watched myself, I saw my reactions, I saw myself trying to talk my way out of it, I saw my body's last ditch attempt to get me back on the ground the reasonable way (a spurt of nausea)... and after all of this I felt glee, uncontrolled giddiness, excitement and shock even. Lizard brain probably had a part in the daze afterward, the "oh my gosh, we survived that" was there.

Terrifying. Exhilirating. Worth it.

That's what it is to do something that scares you. That's what it is to me anyway. Terrifying, grumpiness inducing, excuse producing anxiety. But excitement too. Up until the very last second my brain was trying to talk me out of it, but where would that have gotten me? On the ground, feeling the same, if not disappointed. Yes, the whiplash could have hurt (but it didn't), something could have happened (but it didn't), I could have asked to be taken back down (but I didn't) and I'm left with one frickin awesome memory.

I want to remember this when facing anything that scares me. I want to remember when I'm on the outside of the gate, and the count begins, I want to remember that fear might try to hold me back, but that's when it's time to push forward. Do something that scares me. And it doesn't have to be jumping from heights with a large rubber band holding me, it doesn't have to be skydiving or moving to a different country, it can be small too, it can be talking to that stranger, or taking the picture that will have people staring for a second because I'm in their way, or applying for a new job. It can be big or small, but if it scares me, there's something to explore.

I'm not sure if I can find something to scare myself with every day, but I'm going to make it a priority to do something that scares me far more frequently. The benefits are just undeniable.

Every time I think of that point, standing on the outside, eyes pointed at the flag at the top of a far building, night sky dark but highlighted with fair lights, I feel alive. I can't wait to create more memories like that.

xoxo

Currently

I made this earlier this week after rearranging my room (and finding the perfect set up!). I wanted a poster with an inspirational message above my bookcase. I put this together real quick on picmonkey and I know it's not going to be the one that goes up but I was stoked on the simplicity anyway. Background picture is from my trip through the redwoods. 

mood: Open, excited. The day didn't start out that way but I got out of the house and things started to get better.

eating: candy... delicious

drinking: water. good for, well, good for everything

watching: Ted Talks, posts from Soul Pancake, Vine videos and Friday Night Lights the series. I'm in love (but not in a creepy way) with Matt Saracen... and him and Julie Taylor are adorable. I know I'm really late to this... but good lord. Also, it makes me want to move to the south.

Who are some of your favorite people on Vine? Have you taken a gander at Soul Pancake? What are your favorite Ted Talks?

reading: This wikipedia post about common misconceptions... I was so wrong!

You Are a Badass. It's really surprising me just how much I like it. Definitely expect a book report post about it!

loving: My friends. I have been having some good times lately. I want to incorporate more productive work into my life, more nights like tonight, but I'm so stoked to have some people that I can do nothing with and just laugh.

learning: How to be more gentle, how activity breeds activity, and how to be a beginner.

thinking: about my future, about what I want to do, about who I want to be. I get into these thoughts a lot on my days off and I get quite depressed and feel quite stuck. There are answers out there, I just have to break these mental walls down. 

xoxo

I Can't Take Another Day For Granted

yes it's 22.5 minutes, but I promise it's worth it

I sat last night and watched this video and was moved to tears. That shouldn't be surprising really, I'm moved to tears about a lot of things.
I was moved to tears but I was also filled with gratitude. Filled with gratitude for my life, for the air I breathe, for the body I have. I was filled with wonder, this young man was talking about acceptance of upcoming death, he was talking about dreams and aspirations, he was so positive.
My heart couldn't decide if it was breaking or filling up.

I want to live my days full of wonder and gratitude. I want to try things, I want to reach people, I want to appreciate what I have been given. I want to remember that this, all of this, the good and the bad is a gift.

This family, I can't even imagine, they are so strong, and they will have to be so strong.

This video, it made me realize again what I already knew, I want to do something big, I want to get out and meet people and have conversations about life and love and what makes them keep pushing on. I want to see what other people think is beautiful.

This video led me to the Soul Pancake youtube channel. If you haven't heard of it definitely check it out. They have different kinds of series, My Last Days, Metaphysical Milkshake, The Flipside and more. My Last Days make me cry, but they also inspire me, Metaphysical Milkshake makes me think... basically Soul Pancake is my new jam.
Also, just a little tidbit, Rainn Wilson does Metaphysical Milkshake and is one of the contributors/backers to Soul Pancake... they have a book too. I bought it today. I'll let know you know how it is!

What youtube channels or websites inspire you?

xoxo