Books of 2018

A list of the books I read completely* in 2018.

Books I liked most in bold
Those for bookclub in italic
Both... in well, both

Motherest - Kristen Iskandrian
Outlander - Diana Gabaldon
All the Light We Cannot See - Anthony Doerr
Exit West - Mohsin Hamid
We're Going to Need More Wine - Gabrielle Union
The Hate U Give - Angie Thomas
The Impossible Fortress - Jason Rekulak
Salt to the Sea - Ruta Sepetys
You Are a Badass at Making Money - Jen Sincero
Dragonfly in Amber - Diana Gabaldon
Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself - Joe Dispenza
The Thirteenth Tale - Diane Setterfield
Practical Magic - Alice Hoffman
Heal Your Body - Louise L. Hay
Body of Work - Pamela Slim
All Our Yesterdays - Cristin Terrill
Van Life - Foster Huntington
Voyager - Diana Gabaldon
Advice Not Given: A Guide to Getting Over Yourself - Mark Epstein
How to Live a Good Life - Jonathan Fields
Strange the Dreamer - Laini Taylor
Indestructible - Allison Fallon
Wish You Were Here - Renee Carlino
Girls Burn Brighter - Shobha Rao
The Year Of Less - Cait Flanders
Come Matter Here - Hannah Brencher
Heart Talk - Cleo Wade
In Conclusion, Don't Worry About It - Lauren Graham
Chasing Chaos - Jessica Alexander
Every Last Word - Tamara Ireland Stone
Girl, Wash Your Face - Rachel Hollis
Emergency Contact - Mary H.K. Choi
The Dirty Book Club - Lisi Harrison
Love, Life and the List - Kasie West
F*ck Him: Nice Girls Always Finish Single - Brian Keephimattracted (I'll go ahead and roll my own eyes at this)
The Bucket List - Georgia Clark
You're Not Lost - Maxie McCoy
Legendary - Stephanie Garber
Present Over Perfect - Shauna Niequist (second read)
The Immortalists - Chloe Benjamin
I'm Fine... And Other Lies - Whitney Cummings
The Paper Magician - Charlie Holberg
The Shadow of the Wind - Carlos Ruiz Zafón (second read)
Erotic Stories for Punjabi Widows - Balli Kaur Jaswal
The Septembers of Shiraz - Dalia Sofer
The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho
The Radius of Us - Marie Marquardt
Skipping Christmas - John Grisham
How to Be Single - Liz Tuccillo
Fierce Fairytales: Poems and Stories to Stir Your Soul - Nikita Gill
This Love Story Will Self Destruct - Leslie Cohen
Becoming - Michelle Obama


*There were many I started and decided not to finish

On Sunday

Overall the week was incredible. Great things are on the horizon, and great things are here now.

Highs:
+ Next steps from coaching session
+ Dancing on a Thursday
+ Talking to and dancing with J, who knows, but talking is better than not.
+ Allison Fallon's Indestructible event as a whole
+ Seeing Christine and so many others again, the vibe, the yoga (even when I was mentally very resistant), having yoga pants in my car (ended up being absolutely necessary), Jill and Kate's performance... so many things about the event were over the moon wonderful
+ Looking at a room in a house in E. Nash, the ladies were awesome, the puppies were awesome... staying hopeful for my upcoming move
+ Going to coffee with Ally and her family the next morning at the post. Such wonderful people. So many goals, so much learning.
+ Brunch with Cacey. I don't laugh that much with anyone else, such a gem in my life.

Lows:
- Tired/emotional blah on Friday because of not enough sleep Thursday (worth it overall)
- Not knowing where I am moving yet
- Stomach still being off and on weird

Gratitude:
+ Honestly a lot of gratitude for myself lately, for showing up, for spending time doing things that are uncomfortable but have such a great reward, for sticking with talk therapy, for making an effort to move forward, for continuing to learn how to show up for myself.
+ The sun on Friday, wish it could have stayed, but it was glorious and I know it's coming back soon
+ For my friends, for laughter, for brunch on Sunday, for having the means to go to the doc, for finding a great coach.

Articles I Enjoyed:
Japanese Women Are Shoplifting to Find Community and Meaning In JailHow very strange and sad that this is how people are finding community.

Why Dance Is Just As Important As MathHeck yes. Love this. Teach kids young and maybe less people will need to be sloshed to dance.

On Repeat:
Jordan Davis - the whole dang album. Such poppy, summer, somewhat country goodness.



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March

March was so, so, SO full of great and wonderful things. Oh my goodness. My birthday spent with friends, family here that weekend, trying new yoga classes through the month, leaning into friends on Saturdays and Sundays exploring East Nashville and then capping it off with a visit from a wonderful and close friend. March was crazy beautiful. It was hard and frustrating, it was fun and full of laughter and realizations... all the realizations.

Started working with a career coach, very excited about that, can't wait to see what we come up with that what changes happen moving forward. My whole dang life could look completely different in 90 days. I'm walking the edge of scared but mostly excited.

Songs/Albums on repeat:
Kacey Musgraves - Golden Hour: Makes me want to get in the car and drive West.
Runaway June - Wild West: All the feels with this song
Jason Aldean - Gettin' Warmed Up

Articles I loved:

What It's Like to Quit Social Media As a Teenager- So much respect for teens that are quitting social media. I didn't grow up with it and I'm still having a hard time letting go of Instagram. I'm hoping that there will be more of a move toward this, or at the very least, less involvement than those just graduating college now. I would love to see an evening out.

I Tried to Use Personality Quizzes to Save My Relationship"I wrote letters I’d never send — more than 8,000 words analyzing what went wrong. Could I have been unknowingly cruel? Had my avoidance planted too many seeds of doubt, tapered my enthusiasm? Maybe I was suspicious of our love from the start, had always believed that I would not be good enough for him. Or maybe it was the way we couldn’t handle a conflict."
I don't know that there's anything I could relate to more when it comes to the end of a relationship.

What People Who are Lucky In Love Have In Common-At weddings, I sometimes think that the best gift I could give the bride and groom is a note that reads: “You’ll have some bad days!”
-To be lucky in love, you need to replace the squirm-​­inducing fear of settling with the exciting idea of investing. Put time and effort and trust and love into a person, and you get huge dividends.
Noted.

Green Funerals: Need to Know
I have said more than once I want to be cremated, I don't want to take up space in the earth with a box, but after reading this, I think maybe being part of a tree, or being buried in biodegradable cloth might just be the way to go. Is that morbid to think about? I just want to do the least damage possible and return to the Earth.

Gratitude Comes From Noticing Your Life, Not Thinking About It"...simply making the case to ourselves that we have reasons to feel grateful doesn’t necessarily make us feel grateful.

Gratitude, when we do genuinely feel it, arises from experiences we are currently having, not from evaluating our lives in our heads. When you feel lonely, for example, simply remembering that you have friends is a dull, nominal comfort compared to how wonderful it feels when one of those friends calls you out of the blue. Reflecting on the good fortune of having a fixed address is nice, but stepping inside your front door after a cold and rainy walk home is sublime.

The experience, not the idea, is what matters. So if you want to feel grateful, forget the thinking exercises. Look for your good fortune not in some abstract assessment of your life situation, but in your experience right in this moment. What can you see, feel, hear, or sense, right here in the present, that’s helpful, pleasant, or beautiful?"
Thank you to this article so much. Writing gratitude at the end of the day felt so forced. This makes more sense. I've started noticing in moments, what there is to be grateful for.



The Future of Paint? Bacteria?!

Yumna Al-Arashi Captures the Last Generation of Muslim Women With Facial Tattoos"Although many women adorn their faces for cosmetic reasons, most believe that the intricate drawings connect them with the spiritual world and protect their households from evil forces. In either case, Yumna says, the tattoos are a manifestation of female strength: 'These metaphysical connections translate as very powerful in these communities. Women are authoritative figures. They are the family’s decision-makers, they understand the land and animals’ needs best, they know how to use herbs to heal and they can cook. These are all essential survival skills.' The tattoos are symbols of matriarchal power in communities where women sustain the livelihood of their families. Men, Yumna says, are merely there to assist."
Glad that this is being captured, sad that a matriarchal society is losing ground.

An intro to the most joy inspiring human, Ruthie Lindsey. Been Love, Love, Loving everything I've read about her. If you want some gratitude/joy inspiration watch her Insta stories. So ready for her podcast to come out!

Dear Kids, You Don't Ever Have to Pretend"Sometimes your grumpiness will be met by my grumpiness, or I’ll react wrongly to your excitement. I will not always get it right, but that doesn’t mean you’re getting it wrong. I’m just figuring it all out too and I promise to apologize when I realize I’ve messed up."
A really beautiful letter to kids (everyone) about being honest about who you are. To yourself, and then also to others.

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On Sunday

This week has been taken up by rest. Lost of body enforced rest. Monday I took Chels back to the airport and when home with a sore throat. I went to work the next day but by the end of it felt quite off. That night started a 5 day stomach circus that was equally strange and annoying. I'm trying to think of what else has happened this weekend, but for the most part it has been the attempt at recovery.

Highs:
+ Rest, so much rest
+ Starting Strange the Dreamer (loving it)
+ Rewatching New Girl from the beginning
+ not feeling guilty for sleeping because I physically couldn't do much else

Lows:
- stomach bug
- not hearing back from person I was thinking of renting a room from
- going for legal advice about the car fin issue and being told winning in small claims would be a long shot

Gratitude:
+ While this sickness was anything but fun I am quite grateful I had PTO

Article(s) Enjoyed:
+ How I Learned to Love Myself

For me, the first step to learning to love myself was learning to notice myself. It was a slow process of peeling my identity away from the others I had glued it to. Over time, I learned:

– I am not my relationships.
– I am not what people think of me.
– I am not my failures.
– I am not my successes.

I am myself. Regardless.

I've been thinking about this a lot, SO MUCH, myself lately. That I am not only the perspective of other people. I am. I exist. It's not good or bad, it just is sometimes. Different people are going to have different experiences of me, some great, some definitely not great, but neither of those are the truth of me. I just am.

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Three Years

As of October 3nd I have lived in Nashville for three whole years. Crazy. Three years ago I got into my car, with red rimmed eyes, scared as fuck, and headed East. The journey had started, the excitement started setting in the second day, there was no going back, and it was me and the road.

The roadtrip was and wasn't what I thought it would be. The memories of Horseshoe Bend still blow my mind, the entire trip is worth that one morning alone. Driving by different state signs, looking into gas station shops for cheap blankets, meeting a blogging friend in person, seeing Blue Hole in New Mexico. And even if the places visited weren't enough, the fact that I went solo across the states and didn't even think much about it. The eyes red rimmed from crying weren't about the journey, but how far the destination was from home.

But I've written about that part several times before, and while it might be good to revisit in depth again someday, today is about Nashville and the time I've spent here. I definitely look more fondly on the 5 days it took to get here than I do on the three years. There's been a lot of hard work to be done here. Not in jobs, but in my mind. I promised myself that this was the last get up and go, that after this it was time to stick it out and face it. I had begun to recognize the need for financial stability so my lacking bank account kept me accountable and in one spot.

Here I pause, not sure how to continue. I've had such a block when talking about or writing about Nashville. I've wanted it to be pretty, I think I am still comparing reality with the idea I had in my mind when I moved here. This grand change that would all lead to me living the American Dream. I would move here, get in with a job I loved, make friends and line dance all the time, meet a man that grew up around farms, a slow and steady type. I'd at some point fall in love, with the man, with the career, with the city. I didn't think about skeletons in the closet, or people being married out here at 22, or that I still didn't know what I wanted to do or how to get to that dream career. I didn't think about my demons I had yet to work through, the self acceptance I did not have. I didn't think about how this city was growing at an alarming rate and that traffic wasn't all that much better than the place I left. Didn't think about how I was moving from one place where buildings were popping up all over to another.

I didn't think about how it would be to start over in a city where I didn't know one single person. That the times I had up and moved before I had always known a couple people, or had school or a job to gather friends with. Truthfully, I didn't think about picking up and leaving Nashville not just because of low funds but because the idea of starting over again, just like I had here, seemed terrifying. I was tired.

It was good that I didn't think about any of that, because it got me here. If I had known all those details I probably would have stayed put, miserable. That's not to say I couldn't have turned it around at home, but I wasn't on the path to.



I am not disappointed that I came here three years ago. I am even glad I have stayed. People have told me it's okay to give up on this place, it's okay to come home, but something inside me doggedly protested. I don't know what the future holds when this lease is up. I want to say I'll have an incredibly fitting job that I make good great money at that affords me a room and a bathroom in a house and a backyard so I can adopt a dog. The other part of me wonders if it's time to find those things a lot closer to home, because while still young and healthy, my parents won't be around forever and the reality of that, and the maximizing of the time I have left, feels important.
And still yet there a deeper part of me thinking that it's not time to settle down yet. That I may have bounced between Portland and home and then here but it wasn't ALL about running. There was truth to wanting to see and try new things. The realities of what I want to experience are opening up again, and they are scary, and I think that's why I talked myself out of them before, but they are strong and I want to chase them because I don't want to keep asking "is this all there is?"

Where does that leave me, three years and four months in? Dreaming, wondering, exploring ideas and getting the most I can out of Nashville, just in case it's time to go somewhere new soon.

I'm grateful, I wasn't when I started writing this, but I am now. Nashville was nothing like I dreamed it to be, and that was hard, but the lessons I'm learning and the work I am doing make it so very worth it.

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Favorite Books of 2017

I started this year wanting to read only 2 books a month... that did not work. My reason was that I wanted to be more intentional about the books I read. While the number didn't work for me, the practice of reading more intentionally sunk in and I was able to make choices based on what I really wanted to read vs what was available. Even then, I ended up reading over 60 books and these 9 were my favorites.

The Crossroads of Should and Must
In the Company of Women
The Confidence Code
Finding God in the Waves
The Shack
The Comet Seekers
We are Okay
Dress Codes for Small Towns
Starfish

I am going to continue being intentional with what I read, probably being even more selective this year than last. I love reading, and I think it's very important to keep reading, but I also want to spend more time in my life.

So there's that.

Hope all of your 2017 reading was successful and happy page turning for 2018!

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Add me to the list of things you drink to forget.

visions of the future, of small houses and company

Sometimes I sit here with this vision of myself, living in a small house, almost like a cabin, having a dog, and plants and the dishes I need to cook, nothing too grand but the view outside my patio. I feel at peace in this vision, single. Other times I quake in fear that my life will come to that. Would it be too late to have both? What if, in July of next year I moved farther East, or back West, to a place I could live on my own, with a dog. A small house, a humble kitchen, a job that pays all the bills and takes me on unassuming trips.

Been thinking quite a lot about how I show up in relationships, the ones I have and the ones I don't. Been reading, been listening, been watching, been yearing for things I see from silver screens and instead of pushing it back down or pretending to get rid of it, questioning it. Trying to trust myself on something things while also still getting to the root of it. Do I want this person in my life, do I not? Would my life be richer with her in it, do I really need to cut ties or scrap the shallow day to day shit and start over with that, leaving the important parts, the roots...

Thoughts At Night

I'm young and I'm scared and there's so much pressure and I don't think well under pressure like this. Why does this have to go so fast? If only I had known that 18 isn't a grown up, that legally sure but the pressure of a life decision was so heavy it stopped real and natural progress.

Reading this again, when coming here to type: I am terrified. I am terrified of this life, terrified of losing it, terrified of fucking it up, I've been given such incredibly circumstances. I've had such privilege. A functioning body, a functioning heart and lungs and all these things we think are birth right. Two parents, with love, with house's and extended family and safety nets and such genes and I won the female jackpot of being pretty but also smart and not so audacious in body that one would only think of reproduction, but also a hint at the wild, I have something to grab anyone's attention which is it always great but can definitely be used to my advantage. Weird thought, back to the beginning. I'm terrified... I am terrified of my mom not being there when I finally give birth to a child, I finally found a moment where I would need her and I know, oh good lord I know she would come through. I am terrified of my own mortality, of the possibility of all sorts of medical one offs, of having luck slapped off my face. I am terrified. I am young, and I am scared and I am worried. Have we always been so cold? Dear self, I am young, and I am scared, and there is so much pressure... how do we remember this surrender? How do we remember this gratitude, this awe, this everything after reading this memoir? How do I bring this feeling to life? How do I breathe just a little more and build a life? How do I acknowledge and be so fucking proud of what I have accomplished up to today? I have accomplished things, big things. Moved cross country, by myself, on a bit of a whim, knowing no one, no job, little bit of money, lot of faith somehow and determination. Made friends in days, convinced people without trying that I was worth knowing. Convinced others I was worth hiring. I am worth knowing, I was worth hiring, I am still worth hiring. I have gone countless places on my own, seen shows, met new people, tried so many recipes, shed so many tears, saw good or hoped for good in so many men. Learned dances, became a regular, stuck with counseling, faced and continue facing truths that don't sit comfortably, that beg more questions.

September

I need a clean out, the fresh start of a new month. A new season. Technically it starts at the end of September but I'll call it here, enjoy the remaining parts of the hopefully less harsh parts of summer and take a step back from, you know, I don't exactly know what I am taking a step back from, but something. The spending for sure.
September 1st will be a reset. August has felt a little loose around the edges, I want to bring it back together, get on a track for a while and get into a rhythm. That word is always so tricky to spell. Turns out keeping a life rhythm is also tricky.

I've been seeing a couple of awesome instagramers/bloggers coming into some work with themselves, clearing some blocks, making connections to why they do the things they don't like that they do, and it's so real and wonderful. I've been missing the real in a lot of the blogging world, I've been searching for people who are dropping a uniform that's become so prevalent. I've constantly on the hunt for real.

I'm writing more, not just here but at home, in journals. I'm getting more honest with myself, I'm looking at things that use to come harsh criticisms and then avoidance with a softer eye. I still feel sad or something like it, I don't think sad is quite the right word, tired, maybe. Trying to unravel some knots, some blocks, going back to places where I don't accept myself but wondering if there is a way to not accept something while also not punishing myself for it or beating it into submission. For example, not liking the shapes my body is currently forming but not making it about a lack of worth and not immediately working out hard doing things I hate and won't last. I'm trying to look from different angles, ask different questions, lean in and find tiny bits of love and forms of acceptance where I can.

September, I'm ready for you. Bring on a new rhythm.

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Eclipse

I think it would be an injustice, or a disservice to not write a little about the Eclipse today. Yes, it's one of those things that EVERYONE is talking about, and usually I'm not one to follow suit on those kinds of things, I wasn't big on GoT for a long time, I can't stand certain music that people are all about... I'm honestly not trying to be an asshole, I promise, I just tend to be naturally adverse to the things too many people rave about. (Still haven't read 50 Shades of Gray and probably never will.)

But the eclipse, this natural occurrence, this incredible thing... it was worth seeing. I was fortunate enough to have the day to work from home and go wherever I wanted. I was going to go up to Springfield, TN because they had a long time of totality but I was feeling dizzy that morning and took a nap and then woke up a little to late to possibly get up there. I freaked out inwardly a little, there had been so much talk of traffic and crowded everywhere, and I'm not big on crowds. But I went through the drive thru of Starbucks, got myself my drink and my croissant (hmmm kinda fitting the shape of the food and the place of purchase)... and drove around until I found a small-ish and not so busy park. I sat in my car for a while but then had to find a restroom (porta potty... luckily quite clean) and instead of going back to the car I found a small set of bleachers to lay down on.

I was there a good 45 minutes early, on the bleachers about 20 minutes before totality, so I sat and occasionally looked up at the disappearing sun through my nasa glasses. It became steadily darker, hard to tell when taking pictures through my phone, but it was slightly ominous, like when something wicked comes in a movie. The weather was absolutely perfect, I was worried that it would be too hot being Nashville summer and in the 90's, but the eclipse kept it completely comfortable and there was a bit of a breeze too. The clouds moved out of the way of the sun with more than enough time to see the transition. It went so slow until a minute before and then it felt like everything sped up. It was as if someone had pressed fast forward on a sun set. A news helicopter went by and then the last bits of light left the ring around the moon and totality hit.

The groups of families and friends around the park cheered and went through a variety of different exclamations. We took off our glasses, we looked around to see the false sunset in almost 360 degrees, we looked back at the moon and the sun and then as the tiniest bits of sun started peaking back there were yells of "glasses back on" by several moms across the park. It took a second for the experience to hit, the overwhelming, "I am alive for this. I. Am. Alive." I was hit by a wave of emotion, my eyes welled at the magnificence of the experience.

Shortly after people started leaving the park, maybe to get a headstart on traffic, but I stayed. I stayed and wrote a couple notes down, I wondered if anybody proposed, if anyone got married and had the wedding party all in glasses, I wondered what babies might be conceived today, what bridges mended, what bonds deepened. I laid there a little longer, seeing other people's experiences through Instagram, laughing at all the different reactions.

We've had such a crazy go of it this past month, well... since November, and before. Since... well, when hasn't it been crazy, depends on who we ask. But there's been a lot of emotional hardship, there has been a lot of frustration and incredulity and hurt and hate. Those of us with privilege have had such a break but our eyes are being constantly ripped opened to just how much work there is left to do, how much there is left to stand for. I wonder, if for a second, many forgot their differences and just sat there, watching our solar system do its incredible thing. For just a minute, along each point in the line of totality, we sat in awe with the masses.

Nashville: Thirty-Four Months

I started writing this five months out from my actual two year mark. What are my thoughts... convoluted, per usual. I've had some great experiences here, I don't know that I connect with this city. I talk to people that love it, that love it so incredibly much and I find myself so confused. What am I missing, what am I getting wrong here? So I go out and try the coffee shops and try the restaurants and go to the places that people make look so cool on Instagram and still I feel a little lost. What in the heck are these people talking about?

I was once sitting with a very good friend of mine having brunch one day when I looked over to this table of girls having brunch and I said, I wish I could be brunching like those girls. In my mind it felt so different, it looked like they were doing something so different than what I was doing but my friend looked at me and was like, Corey, we are doing exactly what they are doing... you are brunching like them. And while now I totally see what she means, then it felt different. Like somehow their experience was deeper and better than mine, that I would never be able to achieve this sunny life that other people seemed to be having.

Nevermind that I was sitting there, eating food with my wonderful friend at a time that would be considered brunch. I don't know what I felt was missing from that moment, maybe I felt like I didn't look the part of the brunching 20-something. Maybe I felt like our conversations weren't as light and carefree as the girls (women?) at the other table

Always looking for what I want to see instead of seeing what is in front of me. I look at these gorgeous pictures other people take and think, oh man, that's where I need to be. Then I can see these beautiful things and I will be happy. I did this often during my adventures with Dan, I would suggest another hike, another trail, and each time I would go through it and leave feeling disappointed.

Is Nashville suppose to convince me? Am I suppose to convince myself. There was a good month where I was driving around thinking, maybe I really could stay here for the long term. That didn't last. I don't have a solid idea of where else I want to go, I might want to stay, but at this point I have absolutely no idea either way. I have spent over a year not really exploring Nashville because I can't eat many things, I don't drink coffee, and I hate traffic. The things people seem to say need to be explored here are the food, the coffee and the parts of town that seem to be in perpetual gridlock.

I've spent a year going to Murfreesboro, to one specific bar almost every weekend, for a good 6 months at least twice a weekend. I wasn't drinking, I was dancing... and fishing in a pond that had no real fish for me. No, scratch that, I was the fish. Catch and release, catch and release.

I want somewhere to connect and set down roots but it's rare that I allow myself to frequent the same place over and over again. I don't have a neighborhood coffee shop because I 1) don't drink enough coffee and 2) don't go to the same place every time. I forget that the feelings that I am chasing in these Instagram photos are the feelings of belonging and comfort. I think that some place will just have that immediately, but often it takes time and repetition. It takes commitment. I found myself driving home from a show last night waiting for a person to merge over into my lane but they were waffling back and forth and I heard myself yelling "just like everyone else in Nashville, you can't seem to commit!" It's funny the overarching statements you make about other people and what they say about your perspective as well as yourself. This morning as I thought about that moment I turned it back around and thought, but darling, aren't you waffling just the same? Doesn't it take one to know one so well?

Mid Year, Here We Are

Like everybody else and their mother I'm having a hard time believing we are already mid year. What made it even harder to believe was looking through pictures from last Fall and feeling like it was yesterday. Nashville, it's always a wild ride, I swear.

I looked back a couple of posts, because I've become quite negligent with this blog, to see if I had posted a 2017 goals anything, and I don't think I did. So I guess we'll just start here with a little look over what's happened so far and then go into what I will be working on until 12/31/17.

So far this year I have -

+ Saved up for and gone to CA for my brother's wedding
+ Saved up for and completed an apartment move
+ Attempted a Low FODMAP Diet and threw in the towel quite fast
+ Read some really awesome books
+ Stressed out about and redefined some really tough goals I had from the beginning of the year
+ Pulled out of a spiral from said goals and redefinition
+ Deleted, redownloaded, and deleted again the Bumble app several times, as well as tinder, and also tried Zoosk for a month
+ moved the blog over here
+ made a new instagram handle and then, more recently, shut the old one down. Pictures are still there, not following anyone, not doing anything with it.
+ Finished the Swiss Cross blanket, it's gorgeous (and incredibly heavy)
+ Went on a roadtrip for my birthday to Knoxville and surrounding areas
+ worked out 4 times a week for three months
+ was sick 3 times in 4 months
+ transferred remainder of cc debt to no interest card! getting closer and closer to no cc debt!
+ treated myself to a meeting with a mentor about my resume
+ Had the crisis many woman seem to have (or media says we have) about turning 30 when I turned 31. I may still be pulling out of it.

At the beginning of the year I decided my word was Proud. My goal is to end 2017 really proud of myself for the work I have done. With that in mind, here's what I will spend the next six months working on:

+ Press handstands
meaning, work on core, and rehab shoulders in PT, and work on back strength
+ Be on schedule to completely pay off CC debt by 6/30/18
this means planning for possible big expenses and saving for them while also paying off card
+ further develop my skills in conjunction with my career
+ deepen friendships and family relationships
+ see a dermatologist -yay being of super pale skin
+ try a breathwork class

If I happen to come into extra money/resources I also wouldn't mind also:
+ starting retirement fund
+ having a base amount in my travel savings
+ opening savings account specifically for emergency savings only that is hard to access
+ start a puppy fund for eventual puppy friend
+ Lasik fund - want to get these eyes to see without contacts
+ start seeing naturopath about stomach and stick to plan

There they are, and here we go.

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May and June In Review

The two things I’m most proud of from May & June are:
1. Going to CA for 9 days, being in a wedding, and then coming home and moving (with movers) without putting anything on credit to pay off later. I had some help with this definitely, but even then, June has been crazy expensive and because I've been working on my money management for months and months and maybe even years at this point, I had enough saved up.
2. Completed my swiss cross blanket. It was a labor I kept avoiding but I eventually buckled down and I finished it at the end of May!
The two things I’m most grateful for from May & June are:
1. Being a part of the most amazing wedding. My brother married his best friend, my now sister-in-law, who is such an incredible person, and the whole weekend was so great.
2. All the privileges that I've had and grown up with that have made my life relatively comfortable. This is not a gloat, it's a real recognition. Humbling recognition. Just the beginning I think.

The lesson I learned and am carrying forward with me from May &/or June is: There was a line in some show I watched a couple episodes of and to paraphrase the character said that Adult children are always waiting for an apology from their parents and their parents are always waiting for a thank you. Both are left disappointed.

My #1 commitment to myself for July is: to take care of my health. Doctors appointments, leaning in to my counseling appointments, writing, vitamins and probiotics... etc

Because I am brave, here are two new/scary things I will do in July:
1. dating
2. facing my health/the money implications that may come from having to commit to evening things out

The one book I definitely want to read in July is: House of Plants

Something I want to experiment with in July is: Rest. Sounds funny, but experiment with sleeping earlier, reading, unsubscribing from hulu so I can read more, deep breathing, meditation, etc.

Just for fun, I will: Start re-watching Friday Night Lights

As an act of intentional kindness, I will: remind myself constantly that people need our love, not our judgements.

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April In Review

In April I...

• Compiled all career info including interests, notes from mentor sessions I've had before, parts of previously written cover letters I liked, almost every address I have had since I moved to Portland for college and so much more. Compiled, more organized, made easier to access. Stoked.
• Scheduled and had a career mentor call where I got helpful advice and suggestions on how to better sell myself and the kind of work that I do. Looking to make some shifts in the next few months and grow this part of my life. Pretty stoked.
• Made a new playlist for working out with old hip hop and pop songs as well as some current ones that still get me moving. It's really fun. I made it one afternoon after work but then erased the wrong version NOOOO and had to start all over again.
• Switched my credit card to one without an annual fee because I figure out the travel points I got back at the end of the year was basically equivalent to the fee itself
• Planned my money goals for the next couple of years. I've been looking at my money tracking and budget spreadsheets I made myself pretty much daily and I'm starting to realize I am not who I use to be with money and that's frickin awesome.
• Lined up most of the details for brother's wedding in June. Got my bridesmaids dress in the mail and it fits, found shoes, rented car for my time there... only a few things left to do.
• Tried dance classes at a new studio.
• Helped a friend at the stables she works at on a Sunday afternoon. Best Sunday afternoon ever.
• Had an obsession with iced mochas/iced coffee with chocolate
• Was sick the first half of the month, month and a half long issues. Then had a reaction to the antibiotics. I think I'm coming almost completely out of it. Nashville allergies are no joke.
• Rewatched the first half of the last season of PLL, can't believe we are almost done!
• started my I Believe or I want to believe practice.

The month didn't feel productive while it was happening but turned out pretty full. Funny how that all works out.

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March In Review

March was a hard month, and so I'm going to do a review and save April and next quarter's goals for another post.

At the beginning of March I turned 31 and while I usually get excited about birthdays, I crashed hard with this one. The crash was totally unexpected and hit like a tidal wave. The day of my actual birthday was spent alone, the next day a sickness hit that lasted a good couple of weeks and still has some residual lung issues. March was the month I had my first ever asthma attack, yay going back to the treadmill a little too soon, that was exciting. If I am being completely honest I feel like I am just now coming out of the overall mental and physical funk. (Thank goodness)

I decided this time that instead of being super hard on myself I would give myself whatever I wanted (within reason) and hold on. This meant using up my entire $50 starbucks gift card in a little over a week, buying little things that I had been putting off like a hat, a new chair for the patio, brown eyeliner and mascara, I ordered 3 different pairs of cowboy boots in different sized to try and find some that worked, none of them did, looked at rifles I might want to buy, looked at a whole bunch of fun shirts, added snapchat (something I was very vocal about hating for a while), went dancing two nights a week instead of one, decided I hated cooking and mostly bought precooked food and went out to eat, etc. As I'm typing this out I'm realizing how small some of these things are that I didn't allow myself to do or talked myself out of over and over again. No wonder I am tired.

The good from March:
- Booked plane ticket, and paid for parking for trip in June
- Order bridesmaid's dress for wedding
- Exercised 4x a week: Only missed one week because of the sickness, it was annoying
- Explored some new places- outside of Nashville: Knoxville, Pigeon Forge, Gatlinburg
- Bought so much new music: Cody Johnson, some Josh Turner and Aaron Watson to name a few
- Drank a lot of iced coffee/mochas: tried with coconut milk, and low fat milk and decaf espresso and decaf cold brewed coffee... still trying to find my best option with the least amount of sugar
- Took a good amount of side roads during lunch and on the weekends, needed to be away from things
- Took a nap in my car at the library by a park under a tree and it was all kinds of blissful and a hint of the Spring I am looking forward to
- Painted a couple times
- Blocked some necessary people on different sites so I can keep my mind in the present, they weren't bugging me, I just got bored and would "see how they were" and then get into a bad mood. No need.
- Wrote and re-wrote goals, obsessed about the most random things
- got Snapchat and started talking to one of my sisters daily on it

March wasn't all bad, but it was mentally strenuous, I'm looking forward to the warmer days and then my vacation home in June. The countdown is on!

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Turning 31 Road Trip

I turned 31 this week. There's a lot to be said about that but then again, nothing at all. When I first moved to Nashville I had dreams of driving all over and going to so many different states but two and half years later I have only been into the southernmost part of Kentucky and as far south as Atlanta. I decided to do something about that this year and so I booked a night at an AirBnB in Louisville, TN and planned some stops along the way.

The trip was quick, one day out, one day back but I did manage to see a lot. A pink elephant, Hidden Hollow amusement park (unfortunately it was closed), Minister's Treehouse (I did not trespass to get closer, maybe one day), and Cotton Eyed Joe's all took up my first day. On the way back I went through Pigeon Forge (the love pancakes and old time photos), Gatlinburg (was a street away from the fire damage I guess) and into Knoxville (still getting hit by the drought pretty hard) then back home.

I hope to get a few more of these in over the year. Maybe Louisville, KY and Charlotte, NC. Gotta do what I came here to do.

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February/March

February has been unseasonably warm. It's wonderful!

February Goals:
- donate to one new organization: signed up to donate time - I signed up to be a volunteer at a Mud Run in May and this weekend I will be helping weed at a farm for The The Trust for Tennessee. Pretty excited about these.
- one date - accomplished
- at least one call to each of the designated family members - accomplished
- plan my 31st birthday party and/or mini trip - done! I will be setting out to a horse farm by the Smoky Mountains this weekend!
- read books I am excited to read (try to keep it at 4) - accomplished
- exercise 4x a week - DID IT! This is two full months of vigorously moving at least 4x a week.
- spend less than I make - ACCOMPLISHED! Clearly I am pretty excited about this. I have been working on my budgeting system and tracking each month, figuring out what I want to get out of it and this month I even took out the value of two extra days of pay in a short month and saved it for my birthday and STILL I spent less than I made. Praise hands and what not.
- create something... seriously anything (paint a picture, work on the blanket, edit some old photos) - did not do well with this, I am going to add working on the blanket to March
- take a walk/hike in a new park and visit a new part of Nashville every weekend: I did this a couple times but not every weekend
- continue on with gratitude/daily pages - accomplished
- file taxes - accomplished

*The lessons I learned and will carry on from February is/are: I get pulled into drama, not just with other people but in my mind, which means I also create some myself. The lesson I want to carry forward is to invest less, to notice when I'm getting pulled in to others issues as well as when I'm getting pulled under my own, I want to take the importance away from being in the know, to walk away from things that can admittedly be very entertaining and to react slower.

March Goals
- Get all travel plans locked in for trip home in June (plane, parking, rental car, possible mini trip)
- Order bridesmaid's dress for wedding
- at least one call to five family members
- exercise 4x a week: This time focusing on 3 times in gym or hike and then one free exercise any way I want
- stay in food budget - don't let overspending on food take from other categories
- work on the swiss cross blanket
- explore somewhere new every week

*Something I want to experiment with in March is: meditation

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*These questions are part of Nicole from Real Talk Radio's monthly review. I highly recommend her podcast.

January/February

January didn't go as planned (it never really does).

January Goals:
- Start a Low FODMAP Diet - absolutely crashed and burned on this one. Managed to: continued with a probiotic, start taking a multivitamin, and try out a lot of different recipes though
- Work out 4 times a week - ACCOMPLISHED!!! Most of those times were in my apartment gym but a couple times they were out on trails and a few they were dancing in a bar (preferred method of cardio)
- Family phone calls - Not so great, definitely need to get better at this.
- Spend less than I make - this was a draw. Didn't put anything on credit or dip into savings but did have extra money from Christmas AND spent way too much on food trying to figure out the Low FODMAP stuff.

Unintentional January Goals:
- Do more social things away from line dancing bar: Did this well. I did go a couple of times but I also stayed away for a couple of weekends and caught up with other friends. Success.
- Find causes to volunteer for and donate to: Started donating to Boot Campaign and have some others in mind for the next few months.

...

I looked at my list and didn't really feel anything so I will be reworking my goals yet again. I'm looking for smaller changes over longer terms. I want to end 2017 feeling better than I ever have and while I would love it to be with huge things accomplished I may have to settle with gradual improvement. Here are some of the possibilities for this month:

February Goals:
- donate to one new organization: this month focusing on reproductive health/women's rights and environment/land conservation
- one date
- at least one call to each of main family members
- plan my 31st birthday party and/or mini trip
- read books I am excited to read (try to keep it at 4)
- exericise 4x a week
- spend less than I make
- create something... seriously anything (paint a picture, work on the blanket, edit some old photos)
- take a walk/hike in a new park and visit a new part of Nashville every weekend
- continue on with gratitude/daily pages
- file taxes - done!

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Books of January

I started the year with a goal for a low number of books in 2017. I wanted to limit, to par down, to get intentional and to, I guess, restrict. Then January came and as it went I read almost half of that number I was trying to limit myself to for the year. Clearly limiting is not my specialty. So I went back to the drawing board on this goal and decided there wasn't a number, but there was a feeling that I was looking for. So now, instead of a number my goals for reading are as follows.

In 2017 I want to:

...choose each book intentionally and invested in it rather than speed read
...spend the time I previously spent to escaping in cheap/fast/shallow reads working on creating, working out, and cooking
...read outside of my norm, authors and stories I wouldn't normally read

Before last year ended I felt like I was flying through books without really liking or remembering them. It was like the candy I was eating. Another sugar hit, another book checked off a list. I don't know that I was getting much out of it and I have a feeling I was also avoiding a lot of my life in the practice. I'm excited to see what this year of reading brings me.

Books of January

*Finding God in the Waves* (started in Dec.) - Loooooved.

Anansi Boys (started in Dec.) - Liked American Gods and Good Omens better.

Milk & Honey - heartache and hope

Gluten is My Bitch - Funny, informative, haven't gone gluten free yet but will use as a resource

Cabin Porn - Gorgeous pictures, makes me want to get the heck out of town

Balancing In Heels - Light read, I do like Kristin Cavallari better after reading this

Scrappy Little Nobody - I liked it, I laughed, but I'm not sure I needed to read it.

*Chasing Slow* - I kept this for the whole time the library allowed me to, I did not want to let it go, I want to buy myself a copy for my shelf. There was so much, soooo much in this that I wanted to read again and again.

Strong is the New Beautiful - some good exercise and eating info

Six of Crows - read this for a book club and was not disappointed, excited to read the sequel

Cookbooks:
I Quit Sugar Cookbook
The Low FODMAP Cookbook
The Complete Low FODMAP Diet

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