Thoughts At Night

I'm young and I'm scared and there's so much pressure and I don't think well under pressure like this. Why does this have to go so fast? If only I had known that 18 isn't a grown up, that legally sure but the pressure of a life decision was so heavy it stopped real and natural progress.

Reading this again, when coming here to type: I am terrified. I am terrified of this life, terrified of losing it, terrified of fucking it up, I've been given such incredibly circumstances. I've had such privilege. A functioning body, a functioning heart and lungs and all these things we think are birth right. Two parents, with love, with house's and extended family and safety nets and such genes and I won the female jackpot of being pretty but also smart and not so audacious in body that one would only think of reproduction, but also a hint at the wild, I have something to grab anyone's attention which is it always great but can definitely be used to my advantage. Weird thought, back to the beginning. I'm terrified... I am terrified of my mom not being there when I finally give birth to a child, I finally found a moment where I would need her and I know, oh good lord I know she would come through. I am terrified of my own mortality, of the possibility of all sorts of medical one offs, of having luck slapped off my face. I am terrified. I am young, and I am scared and I am worried. Have we always been so cold? Dear self, I am young, and I am scared, and there is so much pressure... how do we remember this surrender? How do we remember this gratitude, this awe, this everything after reading this memoir? How do I bring this feeling to life? How do I breathe just a little more and build a life? How do I acknowledge and be so fucking proud of what I have accomplished up to today? I have accomplished things, big things. Moved cross country, by myself, on a bit of a whim, knowing no one, no job, little bit of money, lot of faith somehow and determination. Made friends in days, convinced people without trying that I was worth knowing. Convinced others I was worth hiring. I am worth knowing, I was worth hiring, I am still worth hiring. I have gone countless places on my own, seen shows, met new people, tried so many recipes, shed so many tears, saw good or hoped for good in so many men. Learned dances, became a regular, stuck with counseling, faced and continue facing truths that don't sit comfortably, that beg more questions.