visions of the future, of small houses and company

Sometimes I sit here with this vision of myself, living in a small house, almost like a cabin, having a dog, and plants and the dishes I need to cook, nothing too grand but the view outside my patio. I feel at peace in this vision, single. Other times I quake in fear that my life will come to that. Would it be too late to have both? What if, in July of next year I moved farther East, or back West, to a place I could live on my own, with a dog. A small house, a humble kitchen, a job that pays all the bills and takes me on unassuming trips.

Been thinking quite a lot about how I show up in relationships, the ones I have and the ones I don't. Been reading, been listening, been watching, been yearing for things I see from silver screens and instead of pushing it back down or pretending to get rid of it, questioning it. Trying to trust myself on something things while also still getting to the root of it. Do I want this person in my life, do I not? Would my life be richer with her in it, do I really need to cut ties or scrap the shallow day to day shit and start over with that, leaving the important parts, the roots...

Thoughts At Night

I'm young and I'm scared and there's so much pressure and I don't think well under pressure like this. Why does this have to go so fast? If only I had known that 18 isn't a grown up, that legally sure but the pressure of a life decision was so heavy it stopped real and natural progress.

Reading this again, when coming here to type: I am terrified. I am terrified of this life, terrified of losing it, terrified of fucking it up, I've been given such incredibly circumstances. I've had such privilege. A functioning body, a functioning heart and lungs and all these things we think are birth right. Two parents, with love, with house's and extended family and safety nets and such genes and I won the female jackpot of being pretty but also smart and not so audacious in body that one would only think of reproduction, but also a hint at the wild, I have something to grab anyone's attention which is it always great but can definitely be used to my advantage. Weird thought, back to the beginning. I'm terrified... I am terrified of my mom not being there when I finally give birth to a child, I finally found a moment where I would need her and I know, oh good lord I know she would come through. I am terrified of my own mortality, of the possibility of all sorts of medical one offs, of having luck slapped off my face. I am terrified. I am young, and I am scared and I am worried. Have we always been so cold? Dear self, I am young, and I am scared, and there is so much pressure... how do we remember this surrender? How do we remember this gratitude, this awe, this everything after reading this memoir? How do I bring this feeling to life? How do I breathe just a little more and build a life? How do I acknowledge and be so fucking proud of what I have accomplished up to today? I have accomplished things, big things. Moved cross country, by myself, on a bit of a whim, knowing no one, no job, little bit of money, lot of faith somehow and determination. Made friends in days, convinced people without trying that I was worth knowing. Convinced others I was worth hiring. I am worth knowing, I was worth hiring, I am still worth hiring. I have gone countless places on my own, seen shows, met new people, tried so many recipes, shed so many tears, saw good or hoped for good in so many men. Learned dances, became a regular, stuck with counseling, faced and continue facing truths that don't sit comfortably, that beg more questions.

September

I need a clean out, the fresh start of a new month. A new season. Technically it starts at the end of September but I'll call it here, enjoy the remaining parts of the hopefully less harsh parts of summer and take a step back from, you know, I don't exactly know what I am taking a step back from, but something. The spending for sure.
September 1st will be a reset. August has felt a little loose around the edges, I want to bring it back together, get on a track for a while and get into a rhythm. That word is always so tricky to spell. Turns out keeping a life rhythm is also tricky.

I've been seeing a couple of awesome instagramers/bloggers coming into some work with themselves, clearing some blocks, making connections to why they do the things they don't like that they do, and it's so real and wonderful. I've been missing the real in a lot of the blogging world, I've been searching for people who are dropping a uniform that's become so prevalent. I've constantly on the hunt for real.

I'm writing more, not just here but at home, in journals. I'm getting more honest with myself, I'm looking at things that use to come harsh criticisms and then avoidance with a softer eye. I still feel sad or something like it, I don't think sad is quite the right word, tired, maybe. Trying to unravel some knots, some blocks, going back to places where I don't accept myself but wondering if there is a way to not accept something while also not punishing myself for it or beating it into submission. For example, not liking the shapes my body is currently forming but not making it about a lack of worth and not immediately working out hard doing things I hate and won't last. I'm trying to look from different angles, ask different questions, lean in and find tiny bits of love and forms of acceptance where I can.

September, I'm ready for you. Bring on a new rhythm.

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Eclipse

I think it would be an injustice, or a disservice to not write a little about the Eclipse today. Yes, it's one of those things that EVERYONE is talking about, and usually I'm not one to follow suit on those kinds of things, I wasn't big on GoT for a long time, I can't stand certain music that people are all about... I'm honestly not trying to be an asshole, I promise, I just tend to be naturally adverse to the things too many people rave about. (Still haven't read 50 Shades of Gray and probably never will.)

But the eclipse, this natural occurrence, this incredible thing... it was worth seeing. I was fortunate enough to have the day to work from home and go wherever I wanted. I was going to go up to Springfield, TN because they had a long time of totality but I was feeling dizzy that morning and took a nap and then woke up a little to late to possibly get up there. I freaked out inwardly a little, there had been so much talk of traffic and crowded everywhere, and I'm not big on crowds. But I went through the drive thru of Starbucks, got myself my drink and my croissant (hmmm kinda fitting the shape of the food and the place of purchase)... and drove around until I found a small-ish and not so busy park. I sat in my car for a while but then had to find a restroom (porta potty... luckily quite clean) and instead of going back to the car I found a small set of bleachers to lay down on.

I was there a good 45 minutes early, on the bleachers about 20 minutes before totality, so I sat and occasionally looked up at the disappearing sun through my nasa glasses. It became steadily darker, hard to tell when taking pictures through my phone, but it was slightly ominous, like when something wicked comes in a movie. The weather was absolutely perfect, I was worried that it would be too hot being Nashville summer and in the 90's, but the eclipse kept it completely comfortable and there was a bit of a breeze too. The clouds moved out of the way of the sun with more than enough time to see the transition. It went so slow until a minute before and then it felt like everything sped up. It was as if someone had pressed fast forward on a sun set. A news helicopter went by and then the last bits of light left the ring around the moon and totality hit.

The groups of families and friends around the park cheered and went through a variety of different exclamations. We took off our glasses, we looked around to see the false sunset in almost 360 degrees, we looked back at the moon and the sun and then as the tiniest bits of sun started peaking back there were yells of "glasses back on" by several moms across the park. It took a second for the experience to hit, the overwhelming, "I am alive for this. I. Am. Alive." I was hit by a wave of emotion, my eyes welled at the magnificence of the experience.

Shortly after people started leaving the park, maybe to get a headstart on traffic, but I stayed. I stayed and wrote a couple notes down, I wondered if anybody proposed, if anyone got married and had the wedding party all in glasses, I wondered what babies might be conceived today, what bridges mended, what bonds deepened. I laid there a little longer, seeing other people's experiences through Instagram, laughing at all the different reactions.

We've had such a crazy go of it this past month, well... since November, and before. Since... well, when hasn't it been crazy, depends on who we ask. But there's been a lot of emotional hardship, there has been a lot of frustration and incredulity and hurt and hate. Those of us with privilege have had such a break but our eyes are being constantly ripped opened to just how much work there is left to do, how much there is left to stand for. I wonder, if for a second, many forgot their differences and just sat there, watching our solar system do its incredible thing. For just a minute, along each point in the line of totality, we sat in awe with the masses.

Nashville: Thirty-Four Months

I started writing this five months out from my actual two year mark. What are my thoughts... convoluted, per usual. I've had some great experiences here, I don't know that I connect with this city. I talk to people that love it, that love it so incredibly much and I find myself so confused. What am I missing, what am I getting wrong here? So I go out and try the coffee shops and try the restaurants and go to the places that people make look so cool on Instagram and still I feel a little lost. What in the heck are these people talking about?

I was once sitting with a very good friend of mine having brunch one day when I looked over to this table of girls having brunch and I said, I wish I could be brunching like those girls. In my mind it felt so different, it looked like they were doing something so different than what I was doing but my friend looked at me and was like, Corey, we are doing exactly what they are doing... you are brunching like them. And while now I totally see what she means, then it felt different. Like somehow their experience was deeper and better than mine, that I would never be able to achieve this sunny life that other people seemed to be having.

Nevermind that I was sitting there, eating food with my wonderful friend at a time that would be considered brunch. I don't know what I felt was missing from that moment, maybe I felt like I didn't look the part of the brunching 20-something. Maybe I felt like our conversations weren't as light and carefree as the girls (women?) at the other table

Always looking for what I want to see instead of seeing what is in front of me. I look at these gorgeous pictures other people take and think, oh man, that's where I need to be. Then I can see these beautiful things and I will be happy. I did this often during my adventures with Dan, I would suggest another hike, another trail, and each time I would go through it and leave feeling disappointed.

Is Nashville suppose to convince me? Am I suppose to convince myself. There was a good month where I was driving around thinking, maybe I really could stay here for the long term. That didn't last. I don't have a solid idea of where else I want to go, I might want to stay, but at this point I have absolutely no idea either way. I have spent over a year not really exploring Nashville because I can't eat many things, I don't drink coffee, and I hate traffic. The things people seem to say need to be explored here are the food, the coffee and the parts of town that seem to be in perpetual gridlock.

I've spent a year going to Murfreesboro, to one specific bar almost every weekend, for a good 6 months at least twice a weekend. I wasn't drinking, I was dancing... and fishing in a pond that had no real fish for me. No, scratch that, I was the fish. Catch and release, catch and release.

I want somewhere to connect and set down roots but it's rare that I allow myself to frequent the same place over and over again. I don't have a neighborhood coffee shop because I 1) don't drink enough coffee and 2) don't go to the same place every time. I forget that the feelings that I am chasing in these Instagram photos are the feelings of belonging and comfort. I think that some place will just have that immediately, but often it takes time and repetition. It takes commitment. I found myself driving home from a show last night waiting for a person to merge over into my lane but they were waffling back and forth and I heard myself yelling "just like everyone else in Nashville, you can't seem to commit!" It's funny the overarching statements you make about other people and what they say about your perspective as well as yourself. This morning as I thought about that moment I turned it back around and thought, but darling, aren't you waffling just the same? Doesn't it take one to know one so well?

Mid Year, Here We Are

Like everybody else and their mother I'm having a hard time believing we are already mid year. What made it even harder to believe was looking through pictures from last Fall and feeling like it was yesterday. Nashville, it's always a wild ride, I swear.

I looked back a couple of posts, because I've become quite negligent with this blog, to see if I had posted a 2017 goals anything, and I don't think I did. So I guess we'll just start here with a little look over what's happened so far and then go into what I will be working on until 12/31/17.

So far this year I have -

+ Saved up for and gone to CA for my brother's wedding
+ Saved up for and completed an apartment move
+ Attempted a Low FODMAP Diet and threw in the towel quite fast
+ Read some really awesome books
+ Stressed out about and redefined some really tough goals I had from the beginning of the year
+ Pulled out of a spiral from said goals and redefinition
+ Deleted, redownloaded, and deleted again the Bumble app several times, as well as tinder, and also tried Zoosk for a month
+ moved the blog over here
+ made a new instagram handle and then, more recently, shut the old one down. Pictures are still there, not following anyone, not doing anything with it.
+ Finished the Swiss Cross blanket, it's gorgeous (and incredibly heavy)
+ Went on a roadtrip for my birthday to Knoxville and surrounding areas
+ worked out 4 times a week for three months
+ was sick 3 times in 4 months
+ transferred remainder of cc debt to no interest card! getting closer and closer to no cc debt!
+ treated myself to a meeting with a mentor about my resume
+ Had the crisis many woman seem to have (or media says we have) about turning 30 when I turned 31. I may still be pulling out of it.

At the beginning of the year I decided my word was Proud. My goal is to end 2017 really proud of myself for the work I have done. With that in mind, here's what I will spend the next six months working on:

+ Press handstands
meaning, work on core, and rehab shoulders in PT, and work on back strength
+ Be on schedule to completely pay off CC debt by 6/30/18
this means planning for possible big expenses and saving for them while also paying off card
+ further develop my skills in conjunction with my career
+ deepen friendships and family relationships
+ see a dermatologist -yay being of super pale skin
+ try a breathwork class

If I happen to come into extra money/resources I also wouldn't mind also:
+ starting retirement fund
+ having a base amount in my travel savings
+ opening savings account specifically for emergency savings only that is hard to access
+ start a puppy fund for eventual puppy friend
+ Lasik fund - want to get these eyes to see without contacts
+ start seeing naturopath about stomach and stick to plan

There they are, and here we go.

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May and June In Review

The two things I’m most proud of from May & June are:
1. Going to CA for 9 days, being in a wedding, and then coming home and moving (with movers) without putting anything on credit to pay off later. I had some help with this definitely, but even then, June has been crazy expensive and because I've been working on my money management for months and months and maybe even years at this point, I had enough saved up.
2. Completed my swiss cross blanket. It was a labor I kept avoiding but I eventually buckled down and I finished it at the end of May!
The two things I’m most grateful for from May & June are:
1. Being a part of the most amazing wedding. My brother married his best friend, my now sister-in-law, who is such an incredible person, and the whole weekend was so great.
2. All the privileges that I've had and grown up with that have made my life relatively comfortable. This is not a gloat, it's a real recognition. Humbling recognition. Just the beginning I think.

The lesson I learned and am carrying forward with me from May &/or June is: There was a line in some show I watched a couple episodes of and to paraphrase the character said that Adult children are always waiting for an apology from their parents and their parents are always waiting for a thank you. Both are left disappointed.

My #1 commitment to myself for July is: to take care of my health. Doctors appointments, leaning in to my counseling appointments, writing, vitamins and probiotics... etc

Because I am brave, here are two new/scary things I will do in July:
1. dating
2. facing my health/the money implications that may come from having to commit to evening things out

The one book I definitely want to read in July is: House of Plants

Something I want to experiment with in July is: Rest. Sounds funny, but experiment with sleeping earlier, reading, unsubscribing from hulu so I can read more, deep breathing, meditation, etc.

Just for fun, I will: Start re-watching Friday Night Lights

As an act of intentional kindness, I will: remind myself constantly that people need our love, not our judgements.

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