Three Years

As of October 3nd I have lived in Nashville for three whole years. Crazy. Three years ago I got into my car, with red rimmed eyes, scared as fuck, and headed East. The journey had started, the excitement started setting in the second day, there was no going back, and it was me and the road.

The roadtrip was and wasn't what I thought it would be. The memories of Horseshoe Bend still blow my mind, the entire trip is worth that one morning alone. Driving by different state signs, looking into gas station shops for cheap blankets, meeting a blogging friend in person, seeing Blue Hole in New Mexico. And even if the places visited weren't enough, the fact that I went solo across the states and didn't even think much about it. The eyes red rimmed from crying weren't about the journey, but how far the destination was from home.

But I've written about that part several times before, and while it might be good to revisit in depth again someday, today is about Nashville and the time I've spent here. I definitely look more fondly on the 5 days it took to get here than I do on the three years. There's been a lot of hard work to be done here. Not in jobs, but in my mind. I promised myself that this was the last get up and go, that after this it was time to stick it out and face it. I had begun to recognize the need for financial stability so my lacking bank account kept me accountable and in one spot.

Here I pause, not sure how to continue. I've had such a block when talking about or writing about Nashville. I've wanted it to be pretty, I think I am still comparing reality with the idea I had in my mind when I moved here. This grand change that would all lead to me living the American Dream. I would move here, get in with a job I loved, make friends and line dance all the time, meet a man that grew up around farms, a slow and steady type. I'd at some point fall in love, with the man, with the career, with the city. I didn't think about skeletons in the closet, or people being married out here at 22, or that I still didn't know what I wanted to do or how to get to that dream career. I didn't think about my demons I had yet to work through, the self acceptance I did not have. I didn't think about how this city was growing at an alarming rate and that traffic wasn't all that much better than the place I left. Didn't think about how I was moving from one place where buildings were popping up all over to another.

I didn't think about how it would be to start over in a city where I didn't know one single person. That the times I had up and moved before I had always known a couple people, or had school or a job to gather friends with. Truthfully, I didn't think about picking up and leaving Nashville not just because of low funds but because the idea of starting over again, just like I had here, seemed terrifying. I was tired.

It was good that I didn't think about any of that, because it got me here. If I had known all those details I probably would have stayed put, miserable. That's not to say I couldn't have turned it around at home, but I wasn't on the path to.



I am not disappointed that I came here three years ago. I am even glad I have stayed. People have told me it's okay to give up on this place, it's okay to come home, but something inside me doggedly protested. I don't know what the future holds when this lease is up. I want to say I'll have an incredibly fitting job that I make good great money at that affords me a room and a bathroom in a house and a backyard so I can adopt a dog. The other part of me wonders if it's time to find those things a lot closer to home, because while still young and healthy, my parents won't be around forever and the reality of that, and the maximizing of the time I have left, feels important.
And still yet there a deeper part of me thinking that it's not time to settle down yet. That I may have bounced between Portland and home and then here but it wasn't ALL about running. There was truth to wanting to see and try new things. The realities of what I want to experience are opening up again, and they are scary, and I think that's why I talked myself out of them before, but they are strong and I want to chase them because I don't want to keep asking "is this all there is?"

Where does that leave me, three years and four months in? Dreaming, wondering, exploring ideas and getting the most I can out of Nashville, just in case it's time to go somewhere new soon.

I'm grateful, I wasn't when I started writing this, but I am now. Nashville was nothing like I dreamed it to be, and that was hard, but the lessons I'm learning and the work I am doing make it so very worth it.

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Favorite Books of 2017

I started this year wanting to read only 2 books a month... that did not work. My reason was that I wanted to be more intentional about the books I read. While the number didn't work for me, the practice of reading more intentionally sunk in and I was able to make choices based on what I really wanted to read vs what was available. Even then, I ended up reading over 60 books and these 9 were my favorites.

The Crossroads of Should and Must
In the Company of Women
The Confidence Code
Finding God in the Waves
The Shack
The Comet Seekers
We are Okay
Dress Codes for Small Towns
Starfish

I am going to continue being intentional with what I read, probably being even more selective this year than last. I love reading, and I think it's very important to keep reading, but I also want to spend more time in my life.

So there's that.

Hope all of your 2017 reading was successful and happy page turning for 2018!

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Add me to the list of things you drink to forget.

visions of the future, of small houses and company

Sometimes I sit here with this vision of myself, living in a small house, almost like a cabin, having a dog, and plants and the dishes I need to cook, nothing too grand but the view outside my patio. I feel at peace in this vision, single. Other times I quake in fear that my life will come to that. Would it be too late to have both? What if, in July of next year I moved farther East, or back West, to a place I could live on my own, with a dog. A small house, a humble kitchen, a job that pays all the bills and takes me on unassuming trips.

Been thinking quite a lot about how I show up in relationships, the ones I have and the ones I don't. Been reading, been listening, been watching, been yearing for things I see from silver screens and instead of pushing it back down or pretending to get rid of it, questioning it. Trying to trust myself on something things while also still getting to the root of it. Do I want this person in my life, do I not? Would my life be richer with her in it, do I really need to cut ties or scrap the shallow day to day shit and start over with that, leaving the important parts, the roots...

Thoughts At Night

I'm young and I'm scared and there's so much pressure and I don't think well under pressure like this. Why does this have to go so fast? If only I had known that 18 isn't a grown up, that legally sure but the pressure of a life decision was so heavy it stopped real and natural progress.

Reading this again, when coming here to type: I am terrified. I am terrified of this life, terrified of losing it, terrified of fucking it up, I've been given such incredibly circumstances. I've had such privilege. A functioning body, a functioning heart and lungs and all these things we think are birth right. Two parents, with love, with house's and extended family and safety nets and such genes and I won the female jackpot of being pretty but also smart and not so audacious in body that one would only think of reproduction, but also a hint at the wild, I have something to grab anyone's attention which is it always great but can definitely be used to my advantage. Weird thought, back to the beginning. I'm terrified... I am terrified of my mom not being there when I finally give birth to a child, I finally found a moment where I would need her and I know, oh good lord I know she would come through. I am terrified of my own mortality, of the possibility of all sorts of medical one offs, of having luck slapped off my face. I am terrified. I am young, and I am scared and I am worried. Have we always been so cold? Dear self, I am young, and I am scared, and there is so much pressure... how do we remember this surrender? How do we remember this gratitude, this awe, this everything after reading this memoir? How do I bring this feeling to life? How do I breathe just a little more and build a life? How do I acknowledge and be so fucking proud of what I have accomplished up to today? I have accomplished things, big things. Moved cross country, by myself, on a bit of a whim, knowing no one, no job, little bit of money, lot of faith somehow and determination. Made friends in days, convinced people without trying that I was worth knowing. Convinced others I was worth hiring. I am worth knowing, I was worth hiring, I am still worth hiring. I have gone countless places on my own, seen shows, met new people, tried so many recipes, shed so many tears, saw good or hoped for good in so many men. Learned dances, became a regular, stuck with counseling, faced and continue facing truths that don't sit comfortably, that beg more questions.

September

I need a clean out, the fresh start of a new month. A new season. Technically it starts at the end of September but I'll call it here, enjoy the remaining parts of the hopefully less harsh parts of summer and take a step back from, you know, I don't exactly know what I am taking a step back from, but something. The spending for sure.
September 1st will be a reset. August has felt a little loose around the edges, I want to bring it back together, get on a track for a while and get into a rhythm. That word is always so tricky to spell. Turns out keeping a life rhythm is also tricky.

I've been seeing a couple of awesome instagramers/bloggers coming into some work with themselves, clearing some blocks, making connections to why they do the things they don't like that they do, and it's so real and wonderful. I've been missing the real in a lot of the blogging world, I've been searching for people who are dropping a uniform that's become so prevalent. I've constantly on the hunt for real.

I'm writing more, not just here but at home, in journals. I'm getting more honest with myself, I'm looking at things that use to come harsh criticisms and then avoidance with a softer eye. I still feel sad or something like it, I don't think sad is quite the right word, tired, maybe. Trying to unravel some knots, some blocks, going back to places where I don't accept myself but wondering if there is a way to not accept something while also not punishing myself for it or beating it into submission. For example, not liking the shapes my body is currently forming but not making it about a lack of worth and not immediately working out hard doing things I hate and won't last. I'm trying to look from different angles, ask different questions, lean in and find tiny bits of love and forms of acceptance where I can.

September, I'm ready for you. Bring on a new rhythm.

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Eclipse

I think it would be an injustice, or a disservice to not write a little about the Eclipse today. Yes, it's one of those things that EVERYONE is talking about, and usually I'm not one to follow suit on those kinds of things, I wasn't big on GoT for a long time, I can't stand certain music that people are all about... I'm honestly not trying to be an asshole, I promise, I just tend to be naturally adverse to the things too many people rave about. (Still haven't read 50 Shades of Gray and probably never will.)

But the eclipse, this natural occurrence, this incredible thing... it was worth seeing. I was fortunate enough to have the day to work from home and go wherever I wanted. I was going to go up to Springfield, TN because they had a long time of totality but I was feeling dizzy that morning and took a nap and then woke up a little to late to possibly get up there. I freaked out inwardly a little, there had been so much talk of traffic and crowded everywhere, and I'm not big on crowds. But I went through the drive thru of Starbucks, got myself my drink and my croissant (hmmm kinda fitting the shape of the food and the place of purchase)... and drove around until I found a small-ish and not so busy park. I sat in my car for a while but then had to find a restroom (porta potty... luckily quite clean) and instead of going back to the car I found a small set of bleachers to lay down on.

I was there a good 45 minutes early, on the bleachers about 20 minutes before totality, so I sat and occasionally looked up at the disappearing sun through my nasa glasses. It became steadily darker, hard to tell when taking pictures through my phone, but it was slightly ominous, like when something wicked comes in a movie. The weather was absolutely perfect, I was worried that it would be too hot being Nashville summer and in the 90's, but the eclipse kept it completely comfortable and there was a bit of a breeze too. The clouds moved out of the way of the sun with more than enough time to see the transition. It went so slow until a minute before and then it felt like everything sped up. It was as if someone had pressed fast forward on a sun set. A news helicopter went by and then the last bits of light left the ring around the moon and totality hit.

The groups of families and friends around the park cheered and went through a variety of different exclamations. We took off our glasses, we looked around to see the false sunset in almost 360 degrees, we looked back at the moon and the sun and then as the tiniest bits of sun started peaking back there were yells of "glasses back on" by several moms across the park. It took a second for the experience to hit, the overwhelming, "I am alive for this. I. Am. Alive." I was hit by a wave of emotion, my eyes welled at the magnificence of the experience.

Shortly after people started leaving the park, maybe to get a headstart on traffic, but I stayed. I stayed and wrote a couple notes down, I wondered if anybody proposed, if anyone got married and had the wedding party all in glasses, I wondered what babies might be conceived today, what bridges mended, what bonds deepened. I laid there a little longer, seeing other people's experiences through Instagram, laughing at all the different reactions.

We've had such a crazy go of it this past month, well... since November, and before. Since... well, when hasn't it been crazy, depends on who we ask. But there's been a lot of emotional hardship, there has been a lot of frustration and incredulity and hurt and hate. Those of us with privilege have had such a break but our eyes are being constantly ripped opened to just how much work there is left to do, how much there is left to stand for. I wonder, if for a second, many forgot their differences and just sat there, watching our solar system do its incredible thing. For just a minute, along each point in the line of totality, we sat in awe with the masses.