Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birthday. Show all posts

Monday, March 11, 2013

First Thoughts From Twenty Seven



Like most birthdays I don't feel any older or younger when the clock switches the days over. I also don't feel older when the exact time I was born rolls around. I just feel like me. If I'm in the right mindset, and usually I am on/around my birthday, that is a good thing. It means I am full of hopes and dreams and wishes and wants and possible plans for another year.

This year was different. After months of taking things on as negative events and then one last cherry on top (seriously universe, that can be the cherry on top... let's give the heavy stuff sundae a rest for a bit pretty please!) I was definitely not in the normal birthday state of mind. I didn't want to celebrate, though deep down I did, all I really felt like I was able to do was cry, or lay in bed. I didn't lay in bed, I went to two jobs and then dinner with dad's half of my family, and then we got to talking, me and him, because sometimes I really need that... even when I don't want it.

I woke up the day of feeling low, feeling overwhelmed with my life and the lack of control I felt like I had over my brain and everything else. I had spent the last few days considering the world to be a big, scary, risky place that I just didn't have the luck to navigate fully. I was quiet and honestly getting all the different happy birthdays on my phone and on the social networks made me feel sadder. How awful is that? I mean that in a sense of, what was I thinking?! I am such a big advocate of birthdays that feeling off just made me feel even more off. And goals? Ha. Nowhere to be found. I just wanted to weather the storm my brain was brewing hard and fast and then try to crawl out days later to lick my wounds.

Luckily, dad was having no part of that. He wants me to be happy, and we both remember a time when I was very happy, and we're both trying to figure out a way to get me back there. Consistently. He has the bonus of outside perspective and an even more linear mind than I do. He has also been a lot of places, seen a lot of things, had to deal with a lot of different crap, and managed to come out on top... his words have weight.

So we sat and he talked and I cried as I tried to explain my tears and a few things became clear (some to both of us and some to me):

1) I felt like I wasn't in control of my own mind... I've been feeling like this a lot lately, like my thoughts and other things happen to me and I have to then process it. My dad wasn't having too much of that. He acknowledged that yes, our thoughts can sometimes seem to come out of nowhere, but it's up to us to process those thoughts and do everything we can to rewire the negative into positive.

2) I was considering the world to be a scary place. I have let this thought run rampant in my mind for a very long time. Sometimes it holds more weight than others but it's always back there, hanging out. By the end of the conversation, as I was walking to my car to take myself home, I realized the world is not a scary place... it's just a place. Scary and bad things can happen, but that's not the world, that's just life. And because of that I stumbled upon a new personal truth... scary and bad things can and will happen in life, it's a small price we pay for the opportunities we get. It is my job to make positive things happen as well. It is my job to balance it out. I can't protect myself from everything, we can't live in perfect bubbles, we just have to make some (many) of the neutral times great so the bad holds less weight.

3) I perceive my worth as low while my friends, family and many coworkers and bosses (present and past) perceive it to be high.

4) Somewhere in thinking about 3 I fell upon 4 which is another truth/thing to incorporate in my life... instead of always asking why someone likes me or why I got hired or why they keep me around or why they think I deserve a certain amount of money or why they think I'm pretty/funny/cute/smart/etc... I should learn instead to say Thank You. Instead of asking "why" when friends/family/people think you deserve something, say "Thank You." And then feel gratitude and maybe even a sense of accomplishment.


Basically, after all was said and done, the metaphorical cake was eaten, I was given the birthday gift of thought and realization... oh yes, and a little side of power. Power to think differently and know that I do have more control than I was letting myself believe.

Just as a final word, had I been in the right mindset my birthday would have been just as wonderful as any and all before. I have very generous, loving, wonderful friends and family who care about me very much. Their affections are not going unnoticed and I appreciate it very much.

xoxo

Sunday, March 25, 2012

twenty-six things about me for my twenty-sixth year of life



I figured since I am not going to do a 26 before 27 that I would instead do a list of things about me. Not quite usual things I guess you could say. I mean, to me it's all the norm, but that's because I live with me 24/7. What a drag I can be sometimes. ;)

1. I am not a big fan of cheese. My aversion has lessened over the years but I am still incredibly picky. I love cream cheese and mac and cheese (but that's fake cheese). I do not like just about any other type of cheese. I won't eat cheese on pizza, I take it off, I won't eat grilled cheese sandwiches and only recently could I start eating quesadillas ONLY IF I had beans, guac and sour cream to dip it in.

2. I changed high schools my junior year. I was bored (I guess) with the one I went to Freshman and Sophomore year so I just changed. I didn't really know anybody at the new school but it was closer to my house. Senior year I transferred back to the first high school so I could be off campus most of the day. My original high school had an open campus and more artsy classes... it fit me better overall but I don't regret trying the other, more normal school.

3. I've lived in Portland three times. Once for a month the summer of '06, then for two years and most recently for 10 months. I still miss it but I know there are other places for me to explore.

4. Before pinterest (and even still) I kept file folders full of pictures from magazines for collages. While I love, love, love pinterest I really like having a physical copy of the picture to look at.

5. I have a hard time reading long articles on the computer. I would print out the online reading assignments in college so I could write on them and reference them later. That's probably why I'm not all that stoked on the idea of a Kindle. I mean, for packing and traveling it seems great, and when I finish a book while I am out and about, having a book on my iphone is helpful, but I can't get over the feel and the smell of real books. It's part of the experience for me.

6. I LOVE pens. I don't let myself walk down aisles with pens or office supplies because I will probably find something I think I need. My pen preferences change on a whim and I really don't know why. Sometimes I prefer ballpoint, other times I feel I can't write without a needle point.

7. I need a blanket to fall asleep at night. I will sleep fitfully during a nap if I don't have a blanket or something covering my arms and chest. The heavier the better, though in the summer, that isn't always possible, and I think that's the real reason I don't sleep well in the heat. Not because it's hot, but because I can't be adequately covered. And if they are a couple of thin, light blankets... nah, those only work for naps. Give me weight!

8. I have a dent in my left thigh. I'm still not 100% sure how it came to be. But the muscle in the dent is completely broken down. The heel of my palm can fit in it perfectly. It could have been hitting the beam in gymnastics but I don't remember a time like that and I remember most of my painful occurances. Like the time I had the wind knocked out of me because instead of using the spring board I ran full speed into the vault... or the time I did a handstand on the beam and fell onto my shin... but I don't remember my left thigh... it's a mystery.

9. Speaking of injuries... I split the back of my head open (not the bone thank goodness) during my sister's first birthday party. I was doing a flip into the pool, something I had been really good at before then, and misjudged jumping up versus jumping out and WHAM head connected to rough concrete. I didn't cry until someone yelled that I was bleeding. Then I lost it. I freaked out even further when they told me I needed stitches. I cried all the way to the hospital (because I was scared, not because it hurt...even though it did) and then when they put the stitches in I think I was fine.

10. Going with the injury subject, I've never broken a bone. (I'm knocking on wood real hard right now.) I was never really the physically adventurous type. But most of the physical activities I participated in had the potential for many injuries.

11. I was never big into team sports, but I did find myself on a cheer squad my 8th grade year. (a fact which surprises many) Before you think pop warner know it was more like Bring It On in the competitive sense. Before that I had taken gymnastics classes for a couple of years if not more and before that was karate. I guess karate is pretty safe until you start fighting and I definitely never found myself at that level. But cheer, oh man, that sport can be incredibly dangerous, I finally proved myself as a flyer half way through the year but my group was careful with me and I never had any bad falls... Thank goodness.

12. I listen to just about any kind of music EXCEPT reggae. I dislike reggae so very much. Seriously it makes me angry when I hear it. Probably some conditioning from high school but I get very antsy and annoyed when I hear it and can't get away. Interesting aversion to have when you live close to the beach in Southern California...

13. I didn't have my first, all to myself, alcoholic drink until I was 22. It was a mimosa. Delicious. I still drink MAYBE once a month and can have the same amount of fun with or without it. There are few alcoholic drinks I like. I go through phases and for the last several months margaritas are the only thing that sound or taste good to me. Before that it was vodka with fruit juices... before that strictly champagne.

14. I learned how to crochet in Junior High. I've since made several blankets, a few for myself and a good amount for friends' babies and such.

15. I befriended my librarian in J.H. and still send her letters/emails every couple of months. She was a very awesome person to have in my life during what are probably the worst school years in a kid's life. (Personal opinion obviously, was junior high the hard time for you?) We shared our love of books and I worked in the library most than was usually allowed. I think she even let me borrow books over the summer. Don't worry, I brought them back.

16. I was obsessed with Sweet Valley High books. I loved Elizabeth and Jessica. My parents thought they were racy (they hadn't read them) and they definitely were not. I remember waiting for the newest part of the series to come out (when they changed to a black cover and the earthquake happened and everything) and then I would read them in one sitting. My mom didn't want to buy them because I would go through them so fast. Unfortunately the library at school and the library in town didn't have them either. So I kept buying them.

17. The idea of the feeling of a chalkboard (not even nails across a chalk board) makes me feel all creepy crawly. That and walls that have cheap cheap, chalky paint on them. Same feeling, I hate it, makes me shiver and then my skin crawls and it's not fun. Oh, and wet wood... mind out of gutter please... like those spoons that use to come with applesauce that you could take to school. Those wooden flat spoons (what's the point really?) were horrible and torture, I just ended up drinking the applesauce out of the small cup it came in. Classy since birth people...

18. I have small hands. Especially because my feet are larger or at least normal size. On the whole, from palm to tips of fingers, my hands are small... best part, the circumferences of my fingers are normal if not a bit large. I'm talking ring size 7/8 on a mini hand.

19. I once spent a month in Argentina, one day I'll write about it here and share pictures.

20. I find myself get a tad uncomfortable seeing right above the backs of guys knees. I don't think this is an always kind of thing, but it's definitely a thing I have. The less tan they are/ the lighter the back of the knee is than the calf, the more uncomfortable I feel. I think it's something about how I'm so use to guys wearing long shorts or pants and when I see that area of a guy I almost feel like it's a private area. Haha. Where's my habit, seriously... No, but really, like I was saying, the less tan it is or the greater the difference is in color between say the calf and the area above the back of the knee... the more I think it hasn't seen the sun and therefore think it's been hidden and private. Silly.

21. I use to be a pro at Myspace stalking. Nowadays the youngin's call it lurking and they are talking about Facebook (which, by the way, is much harder to stalk/lurk). No, really though, I was scary good. And then I realized that knowing that info about people wasn't helping my life any, so I gave it up. Cold turkey...
well, for the most part.

22. I have only had two actual, titled boyfriends. The first was in my sophomore year of high school and we lasted a whopping 2.5 weeks (give or take a day or two). Luckily this was before the days of Myspace and so I wasn't as heartbroken as I could have been to know he had been meaning to date this other girl. Don't worry, they didn't get together until senior year.
The second ended up being a really interesting story, but not a good one. I fell hard for the idea of a relationship, a big girl relationship... a not in high school relationship and so I felt some pretty deep emotions. I'm not saying love, that wasn't one of them.
Things ended not so great (read: with me calling him the p word... ending isn't ick... more like alternative name for a cat) and he admitted months later after attempting to add me on good ol' FB (cuz really, we were such good friends) that he had been doing some hard drugs while we were together.
You live and you learn.

23. Speaking of hard drugs, I haven't done any. I haven't even done the drugs that people swear aren't drugs because they're natural. No nose candy, no mary jane... nothin. I can't say that I've never had a contact high... I can't tell the difference between what could be a possible contact high and my normal silliness... but then there was the fourth of a beer I drank... (I'm not even being sarcastic, depending on how much water/food I've had that day I can get tipsy off of a fourth of a drink... I did it tonight.) I admit to befriending stoners in the past. But I have chosen to abstain due to a lack of interest.

24. I had quite possibly the BEST wisdom teeth extraction that one could have. The first session they took out the top two and I went to work that night. They didn't put me under, no extra strength pain meds, only normal levels of ibuprofen after.
Second session the bottom two were cut out (again I was awake for the whole thing) and I took the next day off work just in case but went to work the day after that again with only ibuprofen.
My cheeks didn't swell, I didn't fill my prescription for vicodin AND I was awake both sessions.
Seriously, I'm still amazed at how lucky I came out of that one.

25. The first job that I can remember wanting was to be a dolphin trainer at Sea World. I still wouldn't hate that job at all. Well, maybe a bit. I hear the trainers don't get paid all that well (even with risk of death when dealing with Shamu... ps while death is sad, I'm giving the whale the benefit of the doubt) and SW isn't the best company to work for. But that's all rumor so who really knows. I would die (not really, then I wouldn't be able to enjoy it) for the chance to help a scientist test dolphin intelligence or their use of echolocation. Some dreams never die.

26. People assume I am a LOT younger than I am... we're talking at least 6 years here most of the time. One on hand that's great, it means at any age I will look about half a decade younger than I am. Awesome, that's what we Americans want and love right? That's what people starve themselves for, or spend exorbitant amount of money on cold creams for?
Here's my secret, sometimes (a lot of the time) I want to look my age, or maybe just a year or two below it, not the 6 that people have been guessing lately.
Ever since I was little I've wanted to be taken seriously... thinking about it right now I think that's kind of funny considering I crack jokes all the time. But still, when push comes to shove I want to be taken seriously. (And I also want to be right, but that's a separate issue.)
Here I am at 26 grateful that I have great skin and look young but at the same time wishing people would take me seriously sometimes probably because I don't take myself seriously just about ever.

So there you have it... twenty six things you might not have known about me.

xoxo

Wednesday, March 7, 2012


HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Twenty-six, it's you and me baby, let's have some great adventures!

xoxo

Sunday, March 4, 2012

This Week


What a doozy this week has been. As you know I generally don't recap here but so much went on and I found myself with a longer than normal 52 photos post so I decided to break them up. Separate! 

This week I landed myself a second job, started training on that new job, took on extra hours at my tutoring job, read a few books (I think 3), took a really mini vacation to Palm Springs , judged an Odyssey of the Mind competition, had my birthday dinner with Dad's side parentals, had my first full day at the new job, went to family dinner (at dad's house) and worked out three times. (You don't have to be proud or amazed, I'm proud of myself.)
Phew. While this might be a week of the ordinary to you readers, to me it was a shift from snail pace to jack rabbit. I know I'll get back in the swing of things here real soon, but I would be lying if I said my body doesn't hurt a tad (well, basically just the knees and feet.) I haven't worked an 8 hour standing shift in I don't even know how long. But getting to know new people is generally good in my book and I spent all day trying to learn new things in all different areas. 

Palm Springs, let's talk about that bunch of awesomeness. There is something about Palm Springs, it has such a special place in my heart. I don't know if it just reminds me of really fun, happy times in my life or what, but I really enjoy going there. I didn't stay long this time but I breathed in my favorite parts none the less. What are those? The horizon of mountains and really tall palm trees and the morning air. 
I was there to be a judge for the Odyssey of the Mind regional tournament and I had so much fun. I went up Friday afternoon, unfortunately a tad later than I wanted to. I wanted to see the sunset IN Palm Springs but I ran a bit behind with traffic and what no so I experienced the sunset as I drove through windy roads. I arrived at a Motel 6 and I'm going to be real honest, I'm not going to stay at one of those again. It wasn't horrible but there is a Travelodge right next door (and an Ace Hotel on the other side) that is quite a bit better for not much more money. 



So, I arrived at the hotel, then went to the Ace for some photobooth pictures, then went to Ralph's for my dinner and then went back to the hotel to read. Mostly peaceful night. Went to bed far too late, around 12 if not a tad later) and slept incredibly fitfully until 5:45 am. A wonderful patron at the luxurious Motel 6 decided to honk at his lagging companion not once, but a few times at 6 am. How sweet. I put on my face and brushed my hair, packed up all of my belongings and headed to a cute little coffee shop I had seen the night before. It was cute AND the coffee was good so I was stoked. The it was time to go off to the school. I was way more awake than I expected to be and my upbeat attitude lasted all the way until the end. The kids were all creative with their skits and the balsa wood structures were quite impressive.  
I would tell you more about it but there are still a couple more competitions and so I'll refrain. I did befriend all of the other judges in my team but I especially became friends (for the day as no one has the other's number and we all live semi far from each other) with two lovely ladies. We ate lunch together, talked vegetarianism, books and all other stuff that I just love to talk about. Seriously fantastic day. 



delicious mocha and the high school

hastily stacked chairs and riddles for in between presentations (a random kid wrote the 7's one and he left before giving us the answer... still don't know it)

And it wasn't even over yet. 




After I left the school I headed back toward home. I went a different way than I had come out there so I could stop, once again, by the dinosaurs. That's all I call them, just dinosaurs. I remember when I was young going to see those things and I love seeing them now. So I stopped there for some Holga shots and then proceeded toward home to meet up with the Dad's side parental unit for my birthday dinner. Yes, I know it was a tad early, considering my birthday is Wednesday, but it works and I was excited for it.

We went to sushi at Loveboat in San Marcos... and they had them sing me their birthday song. If you've never been I'll explain, it's just JUST the waiters singing to you, at Loveboat they turn off the normal lights, hit the blinking strobe-ish lights, put on silly hats, extra large glasses and mohawk wigs and all sing happy birthday to you... oh yes, and they give you a birthday cake hat. It's not something for anybody prone to seizures, but it's great and totally blush worthy for anyone else. 


the hat... and me wearing the hat with Dad and Cindy. My dad and I have the same nose and eyes... well, and chins and smile curves... yeah, dominant genes there. 

And then we went back home and I started playing with my birthday present...


That's right folks, I am the proud, oh so proud owner of a Canon Rebel. It's so beautiful and I'm just starting to learn the very basics of new things I can do on it compared to my point and shoot and oh me oh my it's a gem.

I am a very lucky girl. 

So get ready for me learning my way around this beaut!

AHHHHHHHH So stoked!!!

xoxo