Permission Granted

For many year I have stifled myself. I know I am not alone in this. The worst part, I (we) don't realize we are doing it. It's a curse of perfectionism, of living up to this movie screen montage of what life is "suppose" to look like. Well, I'm tired, and I want to feel joy instead of make sure it looks like I'm feeling joy. I'm giving myself permission to let go of perfectionism, and it looks just a little like this:

I hereby proclaim permission granted for the following:

To do what I feel I need to do in order to create a beautiful and fulfilling life. If that means saving one quarter and racking up a little bit of debt (on worthwhile, long term things) the next or vice versa then so be it. If it means leaving a decent man to chase an idea of something, fine.

To be exactly who I am... Apologize when it comes out a little too rough, but also know that grace is real and it happens to the best of us.

Leave a relationship that just isn't working. Work, friend, love, business deals, hair length (it can totally be a relationship), fashion trend...

Wear what I want to wear.

Leave a job if it feels really stifling (as long as I've done my part to communicate my needs and try to make it work).

Take a nap when my body is feeling tired, when the sun is shining in just right and my bed looks like a wonderland.

Speak up.

Eff up. It's going to happen. Push past my dear.

Love the crap out of shows like Pretty Little Liars and Hart of Dixie. Justify it by telling myself "at least it's not Desperate Housewives of ________________." Who cares.

Get excited, about anything. Chipmunks, they are exciting and cute and wonderful and we don't see them in Southern California, get excited about them. Get excited about caftans because Gala Darling looked like she had an awesome vacation in them and they look so airy and wonderful for the warmer months. Get excited about glitter or all black or Carmex chapstick in a tube instead of in a pot. I don't care. Permission granted, get excited.

Like trendy shit. Don't like trendy shit. Hate it and eventually be that b who comes around and likes it months and months later because she couldn't stand that everyone was talking about it at first. Be "wrong", change my mind, change it back. Love it, hate it... respect others ability to do the same.

Stop liking things I loved before if it just isn't feeling good anymore. Times change. It's okay.

Believe that the life I want is absolutely and totally possible. The pay I want is achievable and more than reasonable. The experiences I want to have are not unheard of. The places I want to go are easy to reach. The people that I want to meet exist. So on and so forth...

Believe that life is an ultimately positive experience.

Waste hours perusing beautiful blog posts and pinterest boards. If my work is done and I'm inspired (not envious) then have at it.

+++

Access Denied:
Self loathing, nit picking, unrealistic expectations. None of that is fun and even worse, none of that gets anything done. Nothing and everything in life is super serious. Keep going, you don't suck even when you do sucky things... do your best at what you want to do your best at.

xoxo

Grocery Cart

This morning I opened bloglovin before journaling gratitude. Normally that is a misstep, normally (or what I want to be normally) I drink water right after I wake (that really don't happen yet, but it's my new intention) and I either get dressed for the gym (mon, wed, fri) or I get some breakfast and sit down with my journal. I'm having a bit of a time figuring out the details exactly, balancing the variables and the expectations. I'm quick to jump in and demand the world of myself, but it doesn't stick. So I'm working on reasonable, small steps paired with routines to get me where I want to go.

That being said, this morning I did grab my breakfast, but not my water... hold on a sec, I need to drink some of that... and I opened bloglovin to quickly click "mark as read" on a post selling beautiful things (I am not in a place to think about wanting more) and then I was able to feast my mind upon Design For Mankind's post titled The Apple Slice. In, the Apple Slice DfM wrote (quite beautifully) about how sometimes we go to the grocery store hungry, or we show up to twitter, instagram, Facebook and Bloglovin when we are mentally fatigued, frustrated or filling unfulfilled. And similar to when we are at groceries stores with hungry bellies, we fill up our cart (or our mind) with slices of others lives that we want to have.

And your sunlit corner loft, the one by the fiddle leaf fig tree and the sheer curtains, book on lap, bustling city below? That looks pretty nice right now. I want that instead. I want to trade the truth I’ve arrived at ... for a single slice of your life that looks appealing when my eyes are glazed over and my heart is tired.
We know we’re not supposed to grocery shop when hungry. We know the result – a cart full of empty choices that make us salivate but will not nourish. And yet, we do this every day, right here. We blink at the screen, our thumbs scrolling down, down, down. Another sunset. Another macaroon. Another fiddle leaf fig tree.
We are starving, our hunger insatiable. And we mindlessly, accidentally, subconsciously fill our grocery carts – these beautiful minds – with empty choices that make us salivate but will not nourish.

It would be hard for me to say it better than she already did. So I thanked her. I thanked her because she put words to something I didn't fully realize I had been doing. She put words to what happens when we (I) look at these snapshots of other peoples' lives wondering how ours (mine) just doesn't match up or even seem to compete. Sometimes I look at my own feeds, mostly this space and instagram and wonder if others are scrolling through, wishing for my shared slice.

The truth is, and I'm sure many of us now know, everyone has their own problems, they have their own demons they are fighting, and if I were being more fair, there are so many instagram feeds I don't follow of peoples' lives I obviously don't want to trade. I set my grocery store up with only the finest of sweets and treats, and then go shopping hungry.

I'm not writing this to say that I'm going to delete instagram or take a hiatus for x number of days, weeks, months. I'm writing this to say that I want to start showing up to my instagram feed a little more full, and with more intention. As I scroll through feel gratitude for the pretty pictures, the snapshots and know that their context, while beautiful, is not nearly as easy as it seems. Know that the house behind the camera in the shot of a perfectly designed room could be in disarray, or it could not. Either would be fine. Because no matter how much I want and wish for those other slices of good, the not so awful and often times wonderful reality is that I'm here, in my own life.

Here's to showing up a little more full on the good things, or at the very least, a little more intentional. If I find myself on instagram feeling hungry and unfulfilled I want to remember to take a step back, to realize it's just a small slice, and to appreciate it for entertainment value. Then go back to filling up my own cart.

xoxo

The Slogging

While there are so many different reasons I have neglected this space is the past, lately it looks a little like this: my life doesn't feel that pretty and I don't want future/current employers/lovers/friends to know that I don't have it all figured out.

It was easier to post when I first got here and Nashville was new, things were exciting, the week to week routines hadn't set in. Nashville was playing it's best Prince Charming and I was along for the horse drawn carriage ride. I found two jobs that would hopefully pay the bills, keep me social and even have me doing a little of what I possibly wanted to be doing.

Here's the deal, horse drawn carriage rides are not smooth. In the beginning you don't notice because Prince Charming is right.there. and there are gorgeous horses in front of you and "look out the window!" (this is a fancy carriage) But soon your body starts to give little hints, and after a little while longer you wonder how long you're going to last on this ride. Prince Charming/Nashville is still right there, and we're still moving along (paying bills, meeting some people) but the bumps of rocks and pot holes in the road are taking a bit of a toll and now it's time to find a new ride.

What I mean by all that is: I'm constantly job hunting, job exploring, job perusing. I'm examining what roles and skills I've used before (secretarial, entry level customer service, administrative and personal assisting) and searching for bits and pieces of other skills that I have used that are just waiting to be realized and expanded upon. I'm wondering about how to get jobs that aren't what I've done before.

While I love the blogs I follow now, I would really love to read some in-the-middle, slogging it out, hard (but not bad) times before good stories. The ones that aren't pessimistic and woe is me, but are saying, hey, is anyone else feeling crushed and elated and confused and useless but sometimes powerful by the career contemplation? This is what I'm doing, this is how it's feeling... is anyone else out there also wading through this too?

Here's my truth future employers/lovers/friends. I'm slogging through some muddy, muddy mental waters and job descriptions. I'm facing some snakes (they one's saying "I can't possibly do _____"), my feet are trying to slip out from under me and my nose sometimes wrinkles at the smell (metaphorical... I take showers). The sun is shining, I'm not depressed, but sometimes my muscles become fatigued and I get shaky. Other times I find a bit of extra energy and I make a squelchy path forward. I'm wading through the "I don't want to apply for what I use to apply for, so what the heck now?" mud bogs.

It's slow. I don't know how I got to from the bumpy carriage to traipsing through the mud. Maybe I had to leave the carriage and wade through the mud to get to the car and the smoother road. I'm not really sure at this point. That's definitely what I'm hoping. Maybe it's even what I'm planning on.

All I know is that I'm slogging through, and it's tough and I'm not a victim, I'm quite strong, and brave. But this isn't just for a job, this is some serious slogging to find a good path, for now, to grow on. It's why future lovers and friends are also addressed. It's not just what office I want to spend the majority of my week in, this isn't a choice between two titles, it's a process, it's a gathering, questioning, trying hard to find tiny but wonderful answers in the midst of so. much.mud. It's messy... and I'm not sure I'll ever be fully clean.

So that's where I am. In the mud pit, hoping all this mess is going to do great things for my complexion.

Now where did the carriage go?

xoxo

Snow (Ice) Days are For...

- realizing it's more of an ice day than a snow day
- wishing I had taken the weather warnings seriously gone grocery shopping
- wondering where the heck my oatmeal is
- rushing outside with four cameras to get some pictures of the backyard ice and snow
- mopping the entryway
- then deciding that the grout really needs some cleaning
- reminiscing about the age when I didn't even pay attention to grout cleanliness
- Does this mean I'm a grown up?
- baking some cookies with the dough from a couple days ago
- Googling how long you can keep cookie dough in the fridge
- (A little less than a week)
- cleaning the baseboards in the stairwell and around my room with a piece of magic eraser
- cleaning the edges of the carpet in room and on stairs with a gloved finger (try it, disgusting, vacuum can't reach there)
- wondering what age the OCD started setting in
- vacuuming stairs
- Going through Tinder options about two handfuls of times with no good swipe rights
- Catching up on Nashville and New Girl
-admiring cleaned grout in entry way but have bathroom grout nagging back of mind
- freaking out about cabin fever... one day in
- going to bed figuring tomorrow is going to be more of the same
- waking up and reading TN is in a state of emergency (the last one of those I was in was city wide, not state, and was for fire!)
- feeling very cagey
- walking to the grocery store across the street and stopping in Starbucks to see other people alive and working
- Watching If I Stay and crying a bit more than expected
- freaking out about the next three months to year of my life

Snow (Ice) Days are also for wearing snuggly layers and breathing in the crisp air while appreciating that our power is still working and our dwelling is nice and warm. It's for looking in wonder at the tree branches encased in a centimeter of ice and hearing them crackle when the wind blows. It's about remembering that I am not in control of everything.

xoxo

Worthiness and Time Alone

So there's the study that people have been passing around FB lately, where participants were put in a room and told to think about anything they wanted. Then they were asked after the short amount of time how they felt about the experience. Many said that they were bored or found it unpleasant. The next round was a little different, the participants were told to sit and think about anything they wanted, but they also had the choice/ ability to give themselves a shock. Many of the participants, that previously had reported they would pay not to get shocked, chose to shock themselves instead of just sit and think.

When I first read the articles about this study I shook my head and thought it sad and interesting. I spend a lot of time alone with my thoughts and while most are not pleasant, I didn't think I would be so uncomfortable with them as to take an electric shock.

But then I thought about it a little more, and I really looked into those times I was alone with my thoughts, no music on, no distractions, and I realized that while I might not think to take a shock, I am always looking for an escape from my own, inactive and unproductive company.

My primary method of escape? To do lists. When things get quiet and I find myself with some down time, when the thoughts start to churning my immediate reaction is to just find something else to cross off the list. And while I might have initially felt superior to those who took the shock because I thought I was just fine being with my own thoughts I realized real quick that I might be worse.


After reading the articles and studies again it seemed more that the participants that took the shock were just bored. Stimulation was stimulation and the shock provided that. It wasn't that the shock felt better than the thoughts swirling in their head, it was that they wanted something physical to do.

I, on the other hand, though not taking the shock so to speak, turn to my to do list because my thoughts are that unpleasant. Because when things get real quiet, when the music is off and there's no place to race to next, the demons/lizard brain/judger comes out to play.

So, instead of that, it's "what's on the list, what can I do, what can I learn, how can I improve myself?"Because then I'm okay, then, at the very least doing something, anything towards a goal. Something that makes me worthy.

Worthy of what you might ask?

There have been many answers over the years. Worthy of this person's interest, worthy of my parents' pride, worthy of my friends affection... But while it would be easier to pin it on someone else, I think what it really comes down to is being worthy of my own positive feelings.

At least if I make some delicious cookies that other people like then I can feed them. At least if I get a chore done I'm close to self sufficient and independent. At least if I make a website I'm trying to be a contender in the current job market. At least if I curl my hair and do my make up I'm pretty.

At least.

If I made crappy cookies, if I didn't get things done and needed help, if I just threw my hair up and went out in sweatpants, if I relied on my old kind of resume... then what would I be worthy of? Certainly not a good, exciting job, or an interested gaze, or friends' affection. That's what comes out in the quiet times.

I'm unworthy because I don't have a sparkling resume, I'm not worthy because I have an air mattress, because I didn't get the ultimate dream job (I don't even know what that looks like) days after landing in Nashville, because I don't have a Valentine on Valentine's Day and my ex does. Wow. That one just came off the fingertips.

Most of my life I've been telling myself I'm not enough, that I need to be more. I need to be cleaner, smarter, prettier, more in shape, healthier, more put together, more creative, more consistent, more... shit... just typing this out is exhausting. I've been in an impossible labyrinth where I choose one path and I scold myself for not taking the other while expecting myself to get through the one I did choose like a pro. Are there labyrinth pros?

No wonder I use to feel like I was pulling myself into tiny pieces keeping them just slightly apart so that the shape of me was still present but was by no means together or whole. There's no winning, it's a constant war.

I wish I was writing this because I found the solution to save the day. I didn't. It's Valentine's Day and I've spent the day hiding in my room. I did go to the gym, (see judger, I'm worthy, I promise) so that can be counted as a win, right?

How does one get around this? Am I now suppose to sit still and just listen to my brain for days on end until it just doesn't phase me anymore? Am I suppose to go out and do more things? I'm not good at not knowing what the next step is, it makes me feel dumb, lazy and yup, you guessed it, unworthy.

I don't know how to feel worthy of things/affection/being alive when I'm sitting still. I barely feel worthy when I'm running around like a crazy person.

The judger is screaming as I'm writing this, telling me I better not post for a myriad of different reasons. I think I'm going to post it anyway. It's hard pretending like everything is perfect.

xoxo

Nashville Four Months In

Can you believe I've been here four whole months? Four months. The days are slipping by and faster than I know it, I will have been here six months. I promised myself at least a year, at least a year in this new space, no matter what the feelings are through month three or seven or even nine. I'm good with that decision still. I'm fine with it and I'm also scared that it's going so fast, and that I'm not doing enough.

I'll admit Nashville not what I expected it to be. When I first moved here I expected lots of country music everywhere, cowboy boots, baseball caps and big trucks with single guys my age driving around. Thinking about it now, I am a bit embarrassed to admit I expected Nashville to be something out of a Luke Bryan or Jason Aldean party song.

Even more important, or maybe the real issue: my life, (which happens to be) in Nashville, is not what I expected it to be. I had some pretty grand schemes and life overhauls in mind when I dreamed of this place. Blank slates are so enticing and Nashville promised the blankest.

Sometimes I forget that it's my job to sweep myself off my feet. I get tired or frustrated or I take a look at the ex's instagram page and see a tiny snapshot of his life and make these grand assumptions of how he's doing so much better than me, so much better without me.

But that's no fault of Nashville. And for the most part I've done a really good job of not holding anything against this new home of mine. Nashville has done it's part to be the best it can be of itself.

Nashville wasn't the only variable when I moved. I didn't just move to Nashville as others generally do. I didn't have a job, friends or lover here. I started from scratch. I moved to Nashville with a need to do some serious digging into who I am and what I want for my future. I moved to Nashville after my first long relationship ended with a heart still processing. I moved to Nashville with very few plans and oh so many hopes.

What I am trying to say is: Nashville is a place, and it has some great things I have yet to explore. And I am in this really messy part of my life, messy because there's just so much I'm thinking about, so many variables and aspects of my life to grow, and I am having a hard time defining and focusing, or believing I can define and focus. But I'm here, and I'm doing it. I'm pushing through the pressure between the temples, I'm asking the questions over and over and when I have no answers, nothing I feel proud of, I'm still here. I am here in Nashville and I'm working two opposite schedules and not getting to see much, but I am making an effort. I'm here, and it's four months in, and I'm hoping at 8 months my story will look a little different. I'm working to make my view, 8 months in, a little different.

But right now, I'm here, as is, and I have no regrets. My life feels nothing close to fairy tale perfect, and I find myself frustrated more than joyful, but I truly believe that I made the right choice moving here.

Nothing is ever as I expect. I must be my own Prince Charming. Nashville will be the venue in which I sweep myself off my feet.

xoxo

My Right Now

Read this post at We Seek Joy and decided to tackle the question myself.

What is your Right Now?

My right now is for deep breaths and taking a step back to realize just how much has been accomplished. It's for cutting back and frugality, for seeing where things go in the next two weeks, for searching and testing but maybe not committing.

Right now is for pictures of symmetrical doorways, for reading all the books I checked out of the library. It is for continuing growth that has been on the slow track for so, so long.

Right now is for awe and gratitude while driving down side streets, it's for a couple tears matched with the knowledge that the right choice was made. It's about figuring out how to love and appreciate the memories, to not feel like a traitor, to honor what that time was, while being in the present and seeing all that is possible now.

Right now is about digging a little deeper into what I really want. I have a foundation, I have a town that I could potentially call home for many, many years... so now what? Not in a bad way, in a glorious, "the world (and this state) is my oyster" kind of way.

Right now is for picking and choosing, it's for acknowledging the little treats to myself so that they don't just become habit and drain the bank without real reward, for less sugar but at the same time testing out sweet tea.

Right now is for researching coats, puffy vests and blankets for the winter, for selling my older computer finally and for learning how to be fancy while cleaning tables. It's about writing down addresses that I see while driving and looking up their costs later.

Some parts dreaming, other parts planning, getting into the creating.

Right now... oh right now.

xoxo