Word of the Year

I've gone back and forth over the past few years with choosing a word. I would think and think and force and force and decide on one just to forget about it or come to hate it. I picked words I thought I should pick, ones that would push me to be better or more. I think that's the exact opposite of what I was needing. Last year I didn't really choose a word, I think if I were to choose one now for then I would say "through." As in, keep pushing through, don't make another big change, don't move because it isn't what you thought it would be, keep going. If you're going through hell, keep going.

It wasn't the most fun of years, and if I had known that was my word at the beginning I might have felt sad about it, but now it's the end and yay, I went through!

This year I wanted a word again, I wanted to find one that inspired and held me but didn't push me rudely. A want and even more so, and intention instead of a should. I thought and though (like years past) and I let a couple sit that felt good, and as the clock struck 9pm on New Years's Eve I thought I had it. There were two words, Reach and Nourish, and they were good. They felt good, but they didn't feel good without the other. I know that with these practices you can make the rules as you go and there was nothing wrong with having two, but it still didn't feel quite right.

I sat down to watch a movie and brainstorm for the new year, I sent a couple texts and felt a little discouraged about something else, and it was in that discouragement, while walking from my room to the laundry (yes I had a wild New Year's Eve) that my word popped in.

Listen.

The discouragement I had been feeling, it was towards an exercise I had tried to do multiple times and couldn't complete. The exercise: a visualization of meeting my inner mentor. I couldn't meet her, I would get to her house and when I would look in her direction it was like a white fog. She didn't tell me her name, she didn't give me a gift, and what was this beam of light shit? I want to meet my inner mentor, I want to connect better to my intuition, I want to move forward connecting better to myself. I was trying to get at that with Nourish. Nourish my body, nourish my mind, take care so that my inner mentor could be seen.

But Listen... man, Listen was even better. That one popped in as the best ideas do. It felt like intuition and not force. It felt right. I put my laundry in the wash and I went back to my movie and felt better. Listen. It's time to listen.

I don't know exactly how I'm going to live that out this year, I don't know what practices I am going to put into place, but I know that when things feel right and when they feel wrong I am going to listen. I'm going to listen to what is really being said by my mentor and my critic, not just the exact words that are played over and over, but why they are being played over and over. I am going to listen and see who's doing the talking, trusting the calm voice over the anxious one.

In 2016 I am going to Listen and in doing so, I believe I will be able to reach and nourish.

Here's to a good year.

///

Lately

I feel like I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off lately and I'm not excited about it. These next few weeks are going to be about making space and time for calm as well as deciding what's coming up next. Changes are on their way, I'm not liking something, so I'm changing it.

Lately I've been...

Listening to /// The newest Mumford and Sons. Nothing much new besides that.

Watching ///
Parenthood - It's the best. I am so addicted and I feel like it's incredibly therapeutic. Life doesn't ever get "easier," it is never without challenges. But that's okay, and for it to feel hard sometimes and to face challenges is absolutely normal, I am not lacking in any adult gene.
Nashville - oh the drama! It's nothing like the city I am a part of, but I am sure me and the singers trying to make it big run in different circles. I did see Deacon out and about a couple weeks ago though. That was awesome.

Reading ///
Big Magic - I have been forcing myself to take a break from self-improvement books but I did allow myself to read this and that was wonderful because it's not like a self-improvement book. I don't feel the need to make a bunch of new plans and then punish myself for not carrying them all out. Big Magic is wonderfully inspiring in the calmest of ways.
See Me - I have been finding myself missing the beginning of this story the past few days. This is a little bit of a who done it which I don't feel like is typical style of Sparks, but it still kept me up reading for hours.
The Irresistible Blueberry Bakeshop & Cafe - Fun easy read, wonderful and funny storyline. Chick lit definitely.

Cooking///
Cashew Chicken
Baked Apple Cider Donuts
Chicken Avocado Lime Soup
Pra Ram
Blueberry Muffins
Noodle, egg and spinach soup
M'Jaddarah
Peanut Butter Banana Bites

Thinking about /// How strange people can be to guard themselves. How beautiful life can feel. Also how hard it can feel for almost no reason.

Loving /// Fall weather, changing leaves, you know, the basic stuff.

Looking forward to /// More Fall weather, stick with us please!!!

xoxo

Fixed

Burn out. Burned out. Going through chunks of the day forcing myself to focus, wondering what in the hell I am doing. I feel like I keep pushing with all my body weight but I only get an inch further after hours and hours of exertion. My body isn't fighting what I need it to fight for several months now. Reason: Stress.

When I start to get burned out I try to find answers and solutions, I try to find where I am putting too much in and getting very little out, I try to find where I could work smarter, not harder. I look outside, at jobs (because I often have more than one), relationships, monetary obligations. I find things to blame and then investigate, is that the truth? Or is that just easier to be frustrated with than whatever the truth is.
I was feeling incredibly burned out this past week month, like don't-get-me-out-of-bed-but-wait-I-can't-sleep-anyway kind of burned out. I've tapped my resources, I'm coming up just a little over empty. I thought I knew what it was, I poked and prodded at the situation in my mind, I felt justified and fed up. It couldn't possibly be something in me, look at all that I was doing, making doctors appointments that I had long put off, getting my medications in line, starting probiotics, seeking people in similar situations, finding different options than the dreaded tinder, making plans, reading books, gaining knowledge...it had to be this one thing, right? It just had to be.

And then I was forced to face what I felt so justified against, my scapegoat, the thing I thought was leeching my energy.

I may have been at least partially wrong.

I spent the weekend after asking myself questions, trying to figure out what's really going on and what I want to be asking for. I had more information, but still not many answers. I made sure to take some more time out, got a shift covered so I could go to a dance class I have been wondering about. I agreed to a date, I allowed myself to look for some clothes to add to my limited wardrobe. I added a little bit of fun.
The dance class was amazing, I went into the date with little expectation (necessary when dealing with dating apps) and was wonderfully surprised, made cinnamon rolls for some fellow workers, and still, after those good things, I found myself burned out again yesterday.
I was having a long conversation with a friend covering many topics I don't like investigating, a conversation that, to me, highlighted all my broken parts, all the areas I don't feel sufficient. He was trying to be helpful and offer suggestions and all I could say is, "I've already thought of that" and "I've done/tried that too." I was irritable and sad, burned out on myself and how much there seemed to be left to fix. I felt like I've been working on changing the way I think for years now, that I've been trying to train my brain and wrestle it into submission since I first started battling angst at around 14.
The wrestling, the submission, that's the burn out. The thinking I need to be fixed and there's just so much to do...

It needs to stop.

I left my face-in-hand burn out posture and got in my car to go from one job to the next and I thought about the words I was using to describe myself. I had to be "fixed" in order to be happy. How awful is it to feel constantly broken, in need of tweeks and tape.

I've been able to pretend from time to time that I don't think that I need to be fixed anymore, that I am enough, as is, demon/baggage/perfectionism gone. I've kept this up for months at a time, usually when I move somewhere new. Byeeee excess baggage, you can stay in whatever city I left. But that's just another wrestle. The "you are lazy" plays alongside the "you aren't fulfilling your potential" tape softly in the background, so soft that I don't even realize it's there until I find myself staring at a computer screen, forcing myself to work while holding back tears I don't understand.

I'm tired. I want to work with myself, not against myself. I don't know how people let themselves off the hook. I've tried, I've read affirmations, I've said affirmations out loud, I've talked to people who think I'm pretty decent wonderful, I've thought I was pretty decent awesome for hours at a time. But it still in the back ground it softly plays, "time to do some more fixing if you want xyz".

Despite the burn out I soldier on. My work gets done, I laugh and cry and keep going through the motions. I look for new things to try. Reasons, explanations, and probably quick fixes.

I've sat on this post for a while, I don't want people who are just getting to know me, or who don't know me at all to think that this is all there is. On the other hand I do want to write my truth, I don't like pretending that everything is sunshine and roses when it's really a little gray and tumultuous, and also, I hope that it's helpful for other people in 20's wondering if they are alone in their burn out.
I don't get to hid behind/escape with alcohol and bar crawls, fancy food and laying out in the sun, my body basically forbids it. I've decided that this is prevention for a mid life crisis, that when I really figure out my voice, my needs and wants, and get through the cyclical burnout, that I'll have made a really incredible foundation for the rest of my life. No red corvette needed.

I need to decide what works for me, and stick to that. Is that a start? Can we call it something other than a fix?

xoxo

Golden Coast Road Trip

(pictures lost in blog transitions)

This trip was a whirlwind to say the least. Getting off the plane to light, humidity free sea air, three days home in San Diego saying hi to family, getting meals, spending a night at my favorite country bar, tearing up on the beach at night, and then getting into my rental car to drive up the coast. Stopping in Santa Monica for Pier Burger and some pictures, staying with a friend half way between San Diego and San Francisco, in wine country. Then heading out early to make a pit stop at Montaña de Oro, getting back on the road making slow time to San Francisco. The colorful houses, the Sutro Baths at Land's End... gorgeous places I hadn't explored in visits passed.

Then one of my closest/longest friend's wedding. A beautiful event, catching up with people I haven't seen in years, a little bit of dancing and some donuts. The last day getting up really, really early to see the Golden Gate Bridge from below, walk around Fisherman's Wharf before it really started opening up and then going back to the Sutro Baths one last time to make friends with the crabs and walk across the ruins.

Stopping off for some last minute chatting with the new bride and groom and then getting back on a plane to Nashville.

This time was for adventure and celebration, next time will be for catching up.

xoxo

The Good In Tennessee

The last time I posted about Nashville it was informative but probably not all that positive, and then last week I talked about finding the beauty in where I am as if it's where I'm staying forever... so here's to that.

The good in Tennessee.

- People are pretty nice here, a lot of them aren't locals but I think a lot of us that have come from non-southern locations are doing our best to keep southern hospitality. It probably doesn't look quite the same, but we're trying.

- BBQ. Delicious. Hot Chicken. Oh so good. So, before I go on and on, the food. The food is good (and heavy) here.

- You can get to farms and small towns in a short drive. I can find views of horses and farms in just about any direction 30+ minutes tops.

- There is water! San Diego is still in a drought even though they had some rain, but here I don't have to worry about the length of my shower, I don't have to worry about watering a lawn (I don't have a lawn but if I did...), I can wash my dishes and a load of laundry and even shower if I want at the same time without worry about getting charged (I might be worrying about the temperature of the water at that point though.)

- I drove behind a tractor pulling a HUGE load of hay! I was five minutes from my house!

- The servers at Waffle House. I just experienced that experience. Special is the word I have for the stories I heard in a 45 minute span. It was also 2am. Prime Waffle House time I think.

- Being that we are mostly a group of people from other places we get that it's hard to go somewhere new and not know too many people. I would say it's definitely easier to make friends here and get people to do things than it was when I moved to Portland.

- Summer nights, even when there's no plans. Sitting on my balcony just listening to the sounds, wrapped in the humid air. I didn't think that would be a huge positive on my list, but here I am, a little in love.

- Luke Bryan lives here... and I've seen him. I've even said hi, and handed him a menu. Once I even put a plate of food down at his table... (did you think of Mean Girls? I did.) Which was listed before, but I'm listing it again.

- The gas here is significantly cheaper than San Diego. Or it was when I moved here and I just kept believing that's true.

- Downtown Franklin during the holidays is absolutely charming and wonderful

- The old houses! Oh my goodness I could fall in love with these huge houses, mansions if you will. Colonnades, wrap around porches and long driveways! They are beautiful all year round, and in the snow, they were absolutely breathtaking.

- Back roads to just about anywhere I want to go. Yes, it will take me longer, but the views are so very worth it.

- Interlibrary Loan - if the 20 libraries in Nashville city don't have it, they can request it from other cities and states!

I think that this is just the beginning, here's to more posts like this.

To be continued...

xoxo

An Argument for Staying Put

I've been on the run for years now. Always wanting to go somewhere other than where I was am. Getting lost in other people's pictures of adventures around the world, or even just around the states. I moved to Portland three times because the forests seemed greener... I moved back to San Diego three times because the palm trees seemed cheerier.

Then I moved to Nashville, and about two months in I realized things were nothing like I expected or wanted them to be. Since then my mind has been up to it's old tricks, looking for the next place to roam. The next place that will ultimately disappoint, not because of anything it lacks, but because I don't know how to stay. I've been avoiding commitment with Nashville, I've been looking at all the other places there are to go. I'm wondering how fair that is to myself. Nashville and Tennessee don't care, they have people flocking here daily, but me, for peace of mind, for happiness, is this constant "pick up and go" fair?

I am limited lately, which may be a blessing in disguise or a lesson I am finally going to sit down and learn. So here I stay. While I stay here I could continue to dream of all the other places I could go... back home, Colorado, Montana, the Carolinas... but I would just be continuing to make myself a touch miserable.

There needs to be a balance. I am definitely allowed to want to see the states. I can dream all I want of cross country road trips, hiking in Arizona and Utah (in the cooler but not cold months, let's be real here), watching the sun rise again at Horseshoe Bend, those are allowed to be goals. But they can't be the only goals. It's time to start making an effort with Nashville again, finding the little bits of things I want, making connections, making this place home. I don't have to be here forever, but maybe I should start acting like I will be. Start making the best of it like there are no other options. Start giving this space a little more respect.

I chose to be here. I drove from San Diego with just about all I own crammed in my car to check this out. It's not Tennessee's job to impress me, she's not the one who loses out. I wanted to be here. It's my job to stay put for a while, it's my job to make the most of it. It's my job to find what I am looking for, right where I am.

It's no where else. It's all inside.

So here's to staying put, and somehow embarking on far more treacherous and challenging journeys, right at home, in my mind.

xoxo

About Nashville

Nine months in, this is what I have learned about Nashville thus far...

Each street has at least three names, one of which might be a number. Confusing? Yes.

Nashville is very much about music, and while it has a lot of country spots, it's not as country as I thought it would be.

There are very few line dancing bars, the ones we do have are as follows:
Wild Horse: very family friendly, they bank on tourism
Whiskey Dix: outside of city center about 35-40 minutes, college bar for the most part, two rooms, country and hip hop, free cover for ladies before 10pm AND free long necks until 11
Silverados: Underneath a bridge about 20 minutes from city center, not in the best neighborhood BUT they play older country until about 10:30 and then they mix some hip hop/pop in, $8 cover and free long necks until 11

Broadway will either dazzle or repel you. Give it some time, a portion of your money (they thrive with tourism) take a drink or two, and you won't be able to help but love it at least a little.

McKay's is where you want to be for used books and music.

Finding people originally from Nashville in the city proper is like finding a unicorn, so many transplants here.

There are traffic lights that do the normal, red yellow green thing but then at certain times of the day they just flash yellow. This is not the same as flashing red. I'm sorry to the person behind me.

Yellow to red lights here mean "just a couple more please", not slow down and stop now.

The HOV/Carpool lane can be used by all except for the hours between 4-6. That one really blew my mind.

Nashville and Portland, Oregon share a lot, and I mean a lot of similarities in the styles and hang out spots of younger generations. There's a significant show of man buns/long hair, beards, somewhat tight pants, skinny bodies, frayed shirts, microbreweries, coffee shops, thick framed glasses, fedoras and somewhat fancy shoes. Not going to lie, I was looking more for cowboy boots, flannel, baseball caps and two steppin venues. I'm not completely out of luck, just less options than previously anticipated.

Speaking of two steppin... there isn't much of that happening even at the country bars listed above! They have other partner dances that they seem to prefer more.

It gets cold. I mean, if you're from a snowing state, then... no, it doesn't get cold. But if your from the West Coast... it gets cold. It also gets hot. It's summer and I'm sometimes melting.

Sometimes it does snow, and that one inch might even stick, but it'll melt by afternoon. Enjoy it, make muddy snowmen, take pictures, breathe it in, and then let it go. Appreciate that you don't have to shovel anything.

***Then live through icepocolypse 2015 where Nashville was shut down for 2 days and only got up and running completely after about 6 when one to two inches of ice and snow came down and the temperatures didn't reach above 35.

It's humid, constantly. I don't think this is a bad thing, I wish it helped the static that is often present in my hair during winter, but alas it does not.

Being just about 29, single, never married and with no children is not as normal here as it is in San Diego. Being 29, married with children is totally normal and expected here. Never seen so many young parents in my life. Welcome to the South. I want to note that I am not judging negatively on this, at all. I just happen to feel behind sometimes when out on the weekend.

There is one Trader Joe's. It's in the worst traffic area of Nashville (in my humble opinion) otherwise known as Green Hills. Don't go around 1:30-2 when school is getting out if you're going south after, you'll end up eating your snacks before you get home.

There are no Starbucks in East Nash.

Potholes can be filled and back again within what seems like a week. After the snow is a rousing game of dodge the pothole on any given road!

Luke Bryan does go out to eat with his family as does Alan Jackson... both go to a restaurant I worked at when I first moved here. Definitely one of the highlights of working there. I. talked. to. Luke. Bryan. I thought I wasn't a fan girl. I was wrong.

If you go to Broadway and find someone cute, chances are they are not from here. Stick with Demonbreun or Midtown for a few more locals.

Nashville is growing like crazy, traffic is starting to take after San Diego rush hour, mostly because there are fewer lanes here and so. many. people.

I'd be lying if I said I was in love with Nashville. I'm not. I like it well enough, but am I convinced that this is my forever place? No. Maybe I just haven't found my part yet, I'm not sure. But I'm going to keep trying and exploring.

xoxo