Before the Jump

I can feel it. I'm sitting on the edge of something new. I know it's time to move forward, but I'm still finding the path. I've been working hard these past couple of years. Working hard to make improvements to the little things, the little things that make up the big things. I've been staying put so as not to run away.

I promised myself that the next time I went somewhere new, I would be running toward something instead of away.

I've been reading a lot of books, and one of them had me facing some interesting questions. Questions like: What is your Prince Charming? What are you looking to be saved by? The exercise is to see what you've been waiting for this whole time, what you just really hope will come and save you, the thing or person or idea that will make your life peaches and cream, sinfully delicious with no retribution. That Prince Charming, it's been outed so it can be acknowledged. Not judged, just seen. Then once you've taken a long look at this supposed Prince, start teaching yourself the truth: you are your own Prince Charming. It's going to have to be you.

My Prince Charming? Probably the open road. Or epiphanies. I am a fool  in love (or maybe lust) for the idea of epiphanies. Something that sticks, something that clicks in an instant and it stays more powerful than the habits and the thoughts that you have been cultivating and practicing for years and years.

Epiphanies aren't going to save me. And now that I think about it, who says I need saving?
I don't need to be saved. Yes, I'm often frustrated, yes I could grow more in certain aspects of my life, yes I could be making more money, seeing more places, posting more to the blog, etc. But does that mean I need saving? Absolutely not, I'm not so bad off.

I have a roof over my head, clothes to keep warm, a fan to cool off, a computer to type, explore and learn, cameras to capture beauty. I have family, and friends. I have my significant other that loves me for exactly what I am, right now. Without even trying, he's teaching me to love that too. Me as I am. Right here. Right now.

So where am I going? What am I on the edge of? I'm not sure yet. I know it's something great though. Something bigger than I've done before, maybe by a lot, maybe by a little. Time will tell. It's going to have some rough spots, all great things do.

But I don't and won't need to be saved.

And I'll be running at it, instead of away.

xoxo

Currently

Thinking about:So many things, all the time. So many things. Like resumes and salary requirements and saving and paying off debt and travel and airline miles and missing my dear boyfriend terribly, and booty bounce classes and how the heck I'm going to have enough material to fill another hour. And my sore muscles from my splits workshop class and oversplits and blogging and what books to read next.
This is nothing new, I have a lot more than this going on inside my head most days.

Feeling:Right this moment I am feeling open and positive. We had a good lunch meeting for work recently which made me feel a bit better about my position and what I bring to the table.

I'm feeling intense anticipation for my trip to Austin, TX. Not only will I be reunited with the man, I will also be exploring the heck out of a new city!!! Get this, they have a skeeball league in Austin. It already has a little piece of my heart.

Proud of my sister who graduated on Saturday from NAU. It's so crazy that we're already here that I've been out of college for 5 years now. FIVE! But back to her, she is on her path to success, there's absolutely no other option for her, it's how she's wired. I definitely look up to her for that.

Watching:

The last season of Friday Night Lights. I binged watched Season 3 of girls the weekend before this last one. I will be watching The Katy Perry movie eventually.

Love and sometimes watch The Secret Life of Walter Mitty.

Missing Pretty Little Liars terribly.

Staying up to date (for the most part) with Nashville and Game of Thrones.

I haven't watched this many tv shows/movies since possibly before high school. But generally it's in the binge watch fashion.

Realizing: 
So many good things about myself and my future and the stories I've been telling myself about myself and my past. Sounds a little redundant doesn't it. Been putting the self improvement books and articles to work, been keeping a list of things I value about myself in hopes to use the new confidence and appreciation to go out there and take on this world. I've laid low for far too long. It's time to really see what I can do.

Looking for:
Adventure. Small and large. A trip to Santa Barbara to visit a friend maybe, or one to Los Angeles for a flea market. My adventure to Austin, TX at the end of the month!!! And whatever else this year holds.

Reading:

45 Pep Talks by Kara Haupt

#Girlboss - Sophia Amoruso
I Shouldn't Be Telling You This - Kate White

Eating/Cooking:
My new favorite dish is a combination of brown rice, sweet potato chunks, avocado, black beans or chick peas and spicy peanut sauce. I've made it for my dinner/next day's lunch three weeks in a row now. Basically the only cooking I've done in a long time.

Working on:

My resume. No matter what is in the future, a good resume is a great tool to have. After reading so many things on career blogs and in the two books mentioned above I feel it's time to step up my game. Not just for my future, but also to have something to come back to when I'm feeling a little rough. Something that reminds me of where I've been and where I would like to go.

 

xoxo

My Mission Statement - A Rough Draft

I've been flirting with mission statements lately. I've researched how to write them and what to write in them. I've looked at others and take bits and pieces. I've cried and shut down, I've written for pages and pages. I worked through a Mission Statement generator and didn't like the outcome, it seemed to square, too boxed in, chewed up and spit out.

I wrote notes about what a mission statement should have and the page with those notes found a home under a little cabinet I have by my bed. Not on purpose, but that's how things go sometimes.
I wrote myself a list of things I could do to get through the days until Dan and I adventure again. Yay for an Austin, Texas visit, and one of them was MISSION STATEMENT, written just like that. Caps, caps, caps.

I have been working my way through different worksheets that go along with Money: A Love Story and I think it's no coincidence the things I've been able to work through and the clarity I'm starting to find. In the past couple of days I've made realization after realization (and also had realization hang overs) and when I found that sheet of paper, hidden under the little cabinet, I sat down and decided it was time for another draft.

Instead of formulas, numbers and goals I have feelings. I wrote what made my heart feel free. I don't think it's done yet, I want to make it read pretty, but done is better than perfect, and a rough draft is better than none.

So here it is. I will read it daily, maybe even write it in the morning, and I'll see if anything changes, expands or simplifies. One day maybe I'll have a finished one, but until then I want to live by this. One day at a time.

It is my mission to:

Go on adventures large and small. Celebrate as often as possible. Love with an open heart. Take risks that make me feel alive. Phase out what makes me feel small. Sleep well, sweat often and eat food that makes me feel good whether it’s salad, steak or a donut. Dance. Build lasting relationships, waste no time on frivolous ones. Practice gratitude daily. Savor. Laugh freely. Get sand in my shoes and crumbs in my car. Whisper many “I love you’s” and act on many more. Be a mirror of other people’s potential, not what I perceive to be their faults. Explore that which excites me no matter how silly and no matter how bad I might be at it. Embrace the beginner’s mentality. Be authentic and unapologetic about who I am, what I love, and where I am going. No comparisons needed, I am enough. Not a problem to fix, not defective. Luminous.

 xoxo

Quarterly Review

What went really well?

Romantic: My relationship with Dan grew leaps and bounds in the past three months. We were always good, but we're getting even better with time. I have been humbled more than once, learning that my communication skills aren't always as good as I would like to think. But that is a positive, because I can work on it. And I have more control than I think, of my perspective that is.

Fitness and health: I've started experimenting with different yoga classes, Dan and I have been hiking on and off, I signed up for a gym membership and have been going at least once a week, I've been cooking more for my lunches, I restarted my habit of breakfast... started and have stuck with a flossing habit which has been a little thing on my mind for years now.

Hobbies: I've made progress on my black, white and gold blanket. I bought a bigger instax (again) and started taking instant pictures again. I was feeling cramped with the mini and my bank felt broken by impossible film/polaroid. So the instax wide has worked out. I have been staying on my pictures, keeping them organized in my iphoto, being vigilant about deleting unnecessary ones.

Misc: I started giving private booty bounce lessons to a friend that I met through the pole studio I've been going to off and on for a few years now. Because of this, I now have a booty bounce 4 week workshop that I'm going to be teaching at the studio! I'm so excited to bring the power of jiggle and loving what is to my friends and some new girls. It's not Miley twerking nonsense, it's booty bounce and it's a whole lot of fun. Really, really excited for that.
My birthday! I've been wanting to plan a getaway for my birthday for YEARS and it worked out! Stoked.

What was challenging?
Figuring out what to work on and realizing that good things have happened this past three months. I often feel like I am stagnant, that nothing new is happening, that I'm not doing enough, I'm lazy, boring, unmotivated etc, etc, thank you insecurites. But that's no true. In fact, just about none of it is true. Maybe the not doing enough is true, but if I had a direction mapped out I'm pretty sure that wouldn't be the case anymore. The fact of the matter is, I'm not lazy, I wake up pretty early compared to what I use to (SUCCESS, goal met) and I start doing things, they might end up being a lot of chores that don't have long term affects, BUT, I am doing things. So, the habit won't have to be switched from doing nothing to doing something, I will just have to switch out some errands and replace them with some tasks that really get me where I want to be going. Challenge? Figuring out where exactly I want to be going, because I want to be going to a lot of places and doing a lot of things.
My other challenge, putting 40+ hours of time into something that doesn't do anything for my life goals. I know I don't have them exactly pinned down yet, but they are feelings, and this isn't at any point feeling like I'm spending the time in a productive way. Work takes up at least a quarter of our week... I want that quarter to be meaningful. Definitely the goal I need to be focusing on. Hard.

What were the biggest lessons I learned?
The biggest lessons I am just starting to learn. The first is to really enjoy it, and write it down. I get so caught up in what I am not doing that I don't celebrate what I do. It's time to celebrate, big and small. Maybe then I'll be even more inclined to accomplish the next steps, or even bigger goals. Or, the best part, enjoy this life.
The second lesson is to focus. I am just starting on this. I know that I need to focus, because it's hard to keep track of the baby steps I'm making in all different directions. My head feels like it's spinning quite frequently when I get excited about things. I think the hardest part of focusing on things to me is what to focus on. What's the correct thing, what's the habit that will positively affect everything else? Do I stop doing everything else until I get that habit? Does it depend on the size of the habit? Does everything else have to go? Do I focus on the blog, my blanket, finding a job, etc etc etc. But if I focus on the blog will I even have things to post about if I don't get out or make that blanket. I think a lot, it could be said I think too much. Maybe I'll find a way to make that work for me in the future.

What are my favorite memories?
- Valentine's Day
- Booty Bounce competition at Dollhouse (I miss being a go-go)
- Birthday in Palm Springs, going to Calico Mining Town and Pioneer Town with Dan, sitting by the pool, driving through the mountains, walking through the grounds of The Ace, trying to walk the grounds of other hotels but getting deterred by the valets
- Birthday in general, dinner with each family, work lunch, going to the shooting range with my dad, soaking it all in. good vibes.
- Giving private dance instructions, for booty bounce no less. Over the moon about that.
- Santa Monica Pier with Dan. Best date ever and it wasn't even meant to be a date. I was wearing my favorite outfit, we laughed in the photobooth, played a tiny bit of skee ball and I got a churro. Magic. That night was magic.

Was I honoring my values/ ways of being? How? What might have been lacking?
When I talk to my friends that are going through a hard time or are trying to figure out what direction they want to take next or if the one they are currently on is the right one I talk a lot about trusting the universe and working hard. I haven't been connecting to that trust lately. That could be part of the reason that I haven't felt the joy as deep, it could be why I focus on what I'm not doing instead of what I am... I'm not sure, I just know that I need to connect back into that faith, that trust as much as possible, and to also work hard. To believe that these dreams of mine are fully possible and to take any and all steps to get there. To dream a little bigger, to take up more room, to be strong. I want to connect back into that, the feeling of faith and strength. The gym and exercise is helping me with strength and the connection... well, I've started writing gratitude down in a journal with my goals and daily delights. I want to remember in a positive way.
I was a bit tense when I started my quarterly review but I was happily surprised with what I found in it. It also helped me so much with what I want from this next quarter. But more on that next post.

xoxo

Quarterly review questions from Stratejoy How to Conduct a Personal Quarterly Review

March In Review

March, oh March. You were beautiful and magically as I love my birthday month to be. So many feelings, mostly really good, some "what in the heck am I going to do." Okay, fine, a lot of the latter as well. Great memories though, and some space for growth.

I read:
- 168 Hours: You Have More Time Than You Think by Laura Vanderkam (2nd reading)
- The Rosie Project by Graeme Simsion
- Escape from Cubicle Nation by Pamela Slim (welll... I finally finished the last chapter)
- A couple chapters from I Will Teach You To Be Rich by Ramit Sethi
- The Power of Habit by Charles Duhigg
- Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist
- Show Your Work by Austin Kleon

My favorites of those listed above:
- 168 Hours
- The Power of Habit
- Show Your Work

I watched:
- Pretty Little Liars /// ughhh Season Finale how you get me every time!
- Friday Night Lights /// I watched maybe one Episode
- DIVERGENT /// I liked it a lot. I can see how the hardcore book fans would have some problems but I still loved this movie. Love. Four, good lord.
- The Grand Hotel Budapest /// Wes Anderson never disappoints. I didn't know it was one of his walking in but as soon as it started I knew, and it felt like home.

Tried new things:
- Aerial yoga
- Yoga 101 at Black Sheep in Oceanside
- Had almond butter for the first time

Dan and I adventured to:
- Palm Springs!
- Calico Ghost Town
- Pioneer Town
- Elfin Forrest
- Bayside and Four Year Strong show at House of Blues

I treated myself to:
- Palm Springs birthday trip
- some other things I'm sure

March was a pretty magical month. I'm hoping working on making April even better.

xoxo

Changing My Perspective

Friday morning I decided to conduct a quarterly review. More on the actual review later, but for now I want to talk about perception. Because before I put pen to paper, when I was thinking first about goals for next quarter, I thought I hadn't accomplished much during the first. I figured second quarter I could make up for what I lacked in the first and I'd figure it out from there.

Imagine my surprise when the first question was: What went well? And I had things flying from the pen to the page. I thought I would list maybe 3 or 4, but I kept remembering more. Oh yeah, I completed my goal of going to Palm Springs for my birthday AND I had my wonderful guy by my side, I not only signed up for the gym, but I started going on hikes with my guy and being so much more active than I have been in a really long time. Old Corey would NEVER have suggested a hike as something she wanted to do with her weekend. Unless it was at Torrey Pines but that didn't happen often in the past.

As I was writing these things down, and more and more just kept coming to mind, I wondered why I was feeling so far behind. Why I have been feeling so unsuccessful lately. I had been feeling like I was failing in exercising because I didn't go to the gym three times  (I ended up doing just that AND taking a yoga class AND a pole dance class this week... so, no failing here) and because I haven't woken up early enough to go to the gym before work and because I hadn't gone through all the machines yet. There were just so many reasons why I wasn't doing enough and I needed to do more. And that's not just with exercise.

I recently took on the habit of flossing. My metaphorical dentist is finally breathing a sigh of relief. And I started my flossing habit at night, and then I realized that at night I get kind of tired and want as little in my routine as possible before bed, so I switched to morning. And I've been really good, but still I wonder if I shouldn't be flossing two times a day or if night would be better so things don't just stay between my teeth for 8 hours...

When I got to the end of my list of things that had gone well in the first quarter I took a second to really think about what I wanted out of the second. I thought I wanted my second quarter to be a list of things to complete, boxes to check off. But I realized that if I continued making my goals this way, I would continue focusing on what wasn't being done and how I was failing.

I realized in doing this quarterly review that I need a perspective shift, I need a new angle. I need to enjoy. Enjoy life, enjoy the times not checking something off of my list, enjoy breathing and being and having fun. I go through periods of my life where I forget to have fun. Where it all becomes about checking things off my list and somehow feeling successful.

But if that's all I focus on, if I don't take time to enjoy my wins, big and small, if I don't take time to enjoy, and laugh and not take things so frickin seriously, then I'll just have a list of checked off tasks and I'll be sitting on the brink of the next quarter wondering why I don't feel like anything has changed.

I'm not 100% sure on the solution, but I know it's going to have to be grounded in gratitude. There's going to need to be more time for fun. And my language about my projects is going to have to change. Instead of having to go to the gym, I get to go to the gym. I get to work out and feel stronger which is a big goal of mine. I GET to. Not I HAVE to.

I get to work on my blanket that I've been crocheting. I don't have to. No one is paying me to make that thing, it's purely for my entertainment. But I rarely feel entertained when I think about it.
It's time for a mind shift, back to gratitude, back to celebration of wins big and small. It's time to enjoy it, whatever it may be. Take it in and enjoy it.

xoxo

The Hobbit Hole

A few weekends ago, (over a month ago, it's taken me this long to write this all out) Dan and I went to see part II of The Hobbit. I wasn't all that interested in going but he does so many things that I want to do I realized he really wasn't asking for much. Plus I realized there would be popcorn and milk duds so my resistance waned.
About a quarter into the movie I started thinking about Tolkein's thoughts while writing this book. I started wondering who in their right mind thinks of the creatures he does. But then I let myself think a little deeper and suddenly The Hobbit became a metaphor for life as many of us know it now. Many of us are at the beginning, we have just be beckoned on a journey. Our curiosity is peaked, but we are resistant. Something deep down inside is screaming, but we have so many walls built the sound is faint, and still we are very resistant.
We have our routine, our mental Hobbit hole. That faint little voice is getting louder though, we still only hear a whisper but deep down she's causing quite a scene. People can see this in you, even if you don't see it in yourself. It's Gandolf's mark on the Hobbit door... your mark to bear.
You let it sit, you try to ignore the whispers and the people that see it in you, and you can be pretty successful, you've been practicing for years. But someone else or something else barges in, and then six or seven more somethings barge in, and that little voice is screaming at the top of her lungs and it's not forgotten anymore.
Whatever it is that barges in starts making a big ol' mess of that mental (and physical) Hobbit hole. It isn't necessarily rude, they may say please or thank you, or they may try to clean a bit after themselves, but they (thoughts, a person, a group of people) make a big ruckus and are loud and you can't hear your old thoughts. You try, very hard, but for the moment the other sounds are too loud.
Then the actual proposition comes, not just the hint of it, the actual proposition. No one is dancing around the idea anymore. It's on the table. And there is much resistance still in your head. So much resistance. So you sleep on it maybe, and something, who knows what, tugs at you. You wake up, and it almost seems too late, so you take off running... you're going on this journey, you're ready for this adventure.
Here's the deal, I believe, to have a truly fulfilling life, we need to go on this adventure.
It might not be the journey Bilbo Baggins goes on, and I really hope not considering the creatures he runs in to... but your journey will be long, and sometimes it will seem fun, other times it will seem like a nightmare. We might not actually meet up with an actual Orc, but you better believe some of the things you might come up against (your own demons perhaps) will be just as gruesome, just as foul.
But still you must keep going.
You will have people with you along the way. Don't take them for granted. It won't always seem like you can trust them and it won't always seem to them like you can be trusted, but when it comes down to it, you need each other in really tight situations, and really big messes. You both will be on this journey for your own reasons, you both will face your own demons. When the spots get really tight and when it everything seems lost despite the demons, you'll help each other out.
Sometimes your demons won't appear as Orc, but instead they will appear as something shiny and beautiful. Something that seems to have a great deal of power, and can help you to be better than you have ever been. You'll notice, however, that this something will also bring out a dark side, be careful with those shiny things. Use them only as you must.
I could go on and on for another handful of paragraphs here but the take away is:
Go on the adventure. Help others and in turn let them help you. Beat the orcs, come face to face with the dragons, and use the shiny objects sparingly. If used too often they might reflect an image of yourself you just don't like.
Go forth. Be brave.

xoxo