Breaking Up - A Year Later

This was always going to be hard to write about. I went up and down in feelings for much longer than I anticipated. Much, much longer. They say half the time you are together with someone and that should be the amount of time you take to get over it. That might be true for some, but it wasn't true for me. It's not that I thought we needed to be back together, I figured we would have been even more painfully torn apart if I had stayed, but it's hard deciding to end things with a best friend.
I'm often embarrassed by how "long" it has taken me, how sometimes I still remember a little something and I have to take a deep breath. I'm suppose to be strong and independent... I moved across the country by myself for heaven's sake. Then there's also the fact that he moved on months ago, MONTHS. And how the discovery of that hit like a ten ton truck. It wasn't just the finding out, but the fact that it was posted like I never was, for everyone to see, heart eyes and all.

About three months ago I told the heartbreaking story of the last night to a good friend, and I cried again because it still felt pretty new. But there was something in that telling that was different than all the other tellings. Somehow that telling released me, and deep in the depths I guess I decided I was okay again. I noticed it with a song. Driving a few days later it came on the radio and instead of turning it off immediately I enjoyed it as I had more than a year before, completely separate from the meaning it had grown. I didn't remember or notice the ease until it was almost over. But when I did I marveled and wondered what had switched and most importantly I took that as a good sign.

The truth, a year later is as such: I loved him very much. I didn't love myself very much. During the first 6 months I went back and forth from questioning my decision to being very sure it had been right. It took longer than I expected to be even partially at peace. The truth is we aren't right for each other anymore, but I am glad we were then. I'm glad I got to experience all that I did with him for so many reasons.

I meant to post this a while back, and since thinking I had posted it I have found myself in another break up situation. This one hurt different, but I'll save that for another time.



xoxo